Have any of you been here in my shoes?

I just noticed tonight that I never uploaded a before and after pic. I am by no means an "after" yet as I still need to lose about 25-30 more pounds, but I am definitely a changed person. The issue is that as I was trying to find a before pic, (which is very few since I used to hide from a camera), I became too ashamed to put any of them on here. I didn't want to "own up to" so to speak, what I used to look like. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed looking at those pictures. I wanted to delete them all, pretend I never existed like that. I wished I could wipe everyone's memory of me and what I used to look like back then. I had so many questions running through my mind: How did I let myself get to that point? Why didn't anyone tell me how awful I looked? How was my husband not totally turned off by my appearance?

I shouldn't feel this way! I know I'm still a good person, even at my highest weight. I am not dumb enough to forget where I came from and that I was still me back then. I also know my husband loves me unconditionally, thick or thin. I am just so ashamed of how out of control and lazy I let myself become. I am trying to fix it. I made a change, I worked hard, I sacrificed, and I did what I had to do to save my life. I guess my question is: how did you make peace with yourself? How do you look at yourself way back when without activating your gag reflex? Does anyone else even feel the way I do when dipping into the past or am I alone and a little psycho tonight?

I'm gonna own up to my past and put those pics on here, maybe to help remind me how far I've come and where i never want to be again!

First off, I think you look fantastic in both pictures. You also need to remember that your history helped shape the person you are now, so wishing it was different isn't useful. Also, there are a number of people on this site that have their goals at your starting weigh, so really, in the grand scheme of things, it's a non-starter.

Good job on your weight loss.

Thank you for the compliment. I would not want to change anything that got me to where I am today, because I am healthy and happy now. I am just trying to find a little peace with my past, to not mentally beat myself up so much. I am not quite sure what non-starter means though. To me, my starting weight is a big deal. I am not going to feel better about myself because others on this site may have a goal at my starting weight, or a rougher road to travel. That doesn't help my personal situation. But I do understand the concept. I used to get really mad when people would complain about having trouble getting the last 20 pounds off when I was wishing I could get remotely close to that point. Now I totally understand and am in the same boat. What I am asking those that are at or close to goal is will I ever lose the shame? Do you get to the point where your attitude is, "yea, that was me, no big deal." I want that attitude but right now, it is not happening.

I remember when I was 16, weighed 122 at 5'1", my thighs rubbed together, I had "square hips", and broad shoulders...and I didn't have a flat stomach... That's all I saw. I didn't like my body image. I never felt good about how I looked. I have a photo of me from back then on my fridge and I am sad to think of how "that girl" (me) viewed herself. She didn't value what she had. She didn't realize what she had. She was programmed by superficial people and had a lot of negative mental messages that she believed. She compared herself to people around her who had enitrely different body shapes and builds. It was so unfair... And sad. Because she was beautiful and GREAT with her own unique body shape at that weight. "imperfections" and all... if you want to call them that.

Now that I've been 110 lbs over that weight where my thighs REALLY rubbed together and I had quite a few more rolls in places I didn't know I could have rolls... I have an appreciation for what I had. I'd like to go back and smack that girl into reality and tell her if she doesn't quit the fast food and start exercising more, that THIS is what's going to happen to her.

I remember how hard, at 140, 150 lbs that it was just to lose 2, 3, 10 lbs. I think the less you have to lose, the harder it is to lose. Seriously. I find the heavier I am, the "easier" it comes off when I make good choices consistently. At lower weights, I think for some, to lose 10-15 lbs is like having to lose 50 or more lbs.

I use those weights as examples, not just of vanity, but I was in the Army. As a soldier, if I didn't fall into the Army's bracket for what I should weigh for my height (120lbs) then they would do a fat percentage tape test on me to determine my fat percentage. I weighed around 140 and that was borderline for being what they considered to be "overweight". So I was always straddling that line.

Depending on what world you're in, weight is a big deal and not just about vanity. Sorry about the rant...I think I'm having my thoughts bleed over from other topics I've replied to.

I want to encourage you to view the weight you got up to as choosing to take the long journey around a tough mountain. You've come full circle and are back on track. You've learned valuable lessons, you cherish yourself more, value yourself more, like yourself more... who cares that you slipped and gained weight... who hasn't in our society! Perfection is bogus and a delusion of society and media. It's bunk and photoshopped (or anorexic). Look at the past as experience and a lesson learned. If you hadn't gone down the road to being overweight, you couldn't have truly learned what you have from the experience and you wouldn't be in such a better place as you are now. Truly enjoying your life, who you are and what you have to offer. Focus on THAT. Don't be ashamed. Embrace who you are and have been at all stages in your life. The fact is, no matter what you weigh, and you said it yourself, you are smart and beautiful and have something to offer this world... Everyone has a contribution to make and a purpose in this life as long as they are breathing. Your weight didn't change that...up or down...what changed is how YOU view you and that's important. Embrace that! There is no such thing as a mistake, it's called experience.

Oh Littlefoot! You paint with words!! That is great stuff and I can relate! I remember looking at my high school pictures and thinking, I looked good, I can't believe I thought I was so fat! Saying to myself, oh, if I could only be there again, I would be happy and not complain. But the bitter truth is, we always find something to complain about. As soon as I lose this last bit of weight, I am pretty sure I will need a tummy tuck, I will have wrinkles by my eyes and need a face lift, my boobs will be too saggy and need more surgery. We always seem to find things about ourselves that need "fixin." Oh to have the luxury of full acceptance with ones self. Is that even possible?? And I agree that the less you have to lose, the harder it is.

I think complete acceptance comes when you choose to view your unique looks, shape, size, gifts, talents, skills as being worthy and more than sufficient. We have to stop comparing. Kick society and superficialism to the curb and say I am who I am and it is GOOD ENOUGH. If you "fix" something about you, do it for you. KNOW that you are doing it for you and not to look cute by the pool. In fact, try to get yourself to go to the pool and embrace who you are, as you are, with all of your unique imprints... A stomach pooch? A little sagging skin? Saggy boobs? Hey have you ever looked at a boob lift doctor's website of befores and afters? Do you realize MOST women have saggy boobs naturally? Seriously. That is the norm! (I think a MAN developed the push up bra or was that the corset?) Perky is NOT the norm!!! As for wrinkles, laugh lines...you know what, you earn those. I tell people I have wrinkles because I've been smiling for too much of my life. I earned them. The thing is that when you fix something external...you're really not fixing the internal. That is what really needs fixing. I say this for me as well. You can do what you choose to do, of course, but consider that 20 years from now, the wrinkles will be back, the boobs likely won't be as perky. I think I heard somewhere that your skin grows your whole life, that is part of why we get wrinkles and why some old men have such large ears. You've got to find a way inside to love you and then the outside will matter so much less. It takes time and programming, but you can do it. Just think about what are choosing to believe, what are the subtle messages that you are telling yourself? Truly. You can do this! Self acceptance is the most valuable gift you can give yourself. You don't wait for others to accept you, you accept you first. Then everything else will fall into place. Don't let the enemy (inner-me) beat you down! Keep your head up!

Even though I've only lost about half of what I need to, I already am having the same feelings. I was making a scrapbook last week for my honey and aside from not having too many "event" photos for the last two years, the ones I was in were terrible. I saw my photos from my birthday last year and couldn't believe I was so BIG. Even though I am ashamed of how big I got, I put those photos in there as a reminder of who I was then. I also didn't want to discount that the events themselves were wonderful, but I was ultimately embarrassed looking at myself. Like you, I wondered how the heck my honey could love me at that weight and how nobody said anything to me. Also, I can't believe that I thought I looked good in those pictures???!

A couple weeks before my surgery, my mom had me sort through some things she still had at her house. I ended up coming across a bin of clothing from when I was probably 15/16 and could not believe I was wearing 12's and 14's. I look back now and wonder why I hated my body so much. I now have a real appreciation for my size and the work it takes to get back going in the right direction.

BTW, I'm not saying I've worked through the body image thing. I'm not saying I don't think I have any "flaws", or that I like my before pictures. BUT, I know that whether 230 or 120 I had a body image problem and it is more of an internal thing. If it were external, I wouldn't have had issues at 120. But as NWgirl put it, it is nice to think that after having "been there done that" this next time around, I hope to embrace where I'm at. I do NOT expect to have the same body around 120-140 that I did at age 20, but I expect to LIKE my body a WHOLE lot more.

I have the problem with avoiding the camera as well. I have been at/or close to goal for a very long time now and I still can not bring myself to the point of posting before and after pics. I'm looking forward ..... no looking back! I just am so ashamed of how huge I got, the before pics would seem like dwelling on the past. I would rather not look at them and I sure don't want others to look at them. Maybe one day I'll feel like I can post them. Believe me, after over 100lb loss there is a huge difference, but I'm just not at that place to post it.

I have no regrets about anything. A long time ago when I was around 13 or 14 years old I told myself I had "worth". I have always lived by that and have never degraded myself because I never felt I was less of anything or anyone. Why are you beating yourself up over something you had no control over? The brain of an obese person is similiar to an alcoholic and a drug user. Thank heaven we have the band to help us. You know when unkind or even bad things or decisions happen I think well, that is what help me be the person I am today. I am happy who I am banded or not.

Sorry, I meant not a big deal

You have worked, and fixed the problem.