Ok so I am getting divorced. I am leaving my husband of 2 years (we have been together 6) and I need some advice. I love my husband but I dont want to be married to him anymore; I probably shouldn't have married him in the first place but I was very depressed and so wanted to feel loved. I am trying my hardest to help him through this - because he really has no friends or family he can talk to - but I dont know what to say, how to make it easier for him. I would love for him to be able to see that we love eachother but more as brother and sister not like lovers, and that we can still be friends and care for eachother even though we are not together. Should I just back off and let him deal with it (which is hard 'cause we are still in the same house for the next month and he keeps asking me to stay :cry ), should I simply stick to my guns and keep quietly refusing to stay, or should I pour my heart out to him and tell him everything - hurtful or not - about what I want and why I dont want him? So far I have done a bit of all of these - but I think I am just confusing him. I would love it if we could have a 'divorce' ceremony and even a honeymoon - 'a farewall, I love you and wish you all that is good in the world' - kinda thing, like a wake. But I think thats probably expecting way too much from him. How can I help him through? I am not just doing this out of love (I wish I was) there are certainly elements of wanting to ease my own guilt, so perhaps the kindest thing I could do is nothing.

Oh, and if I hear that "goodbye my lover" song again I think I will cry myself to death!!

exhaust all options before venturing down a path that may seem right "in the moment" but may turn out to be more painful than originally imagined. For many, what seems right in the moment turns out to be right forever, and I understand that.

I totally agree with that.

Marriage--and life is so interesting. The older I get the more sides of issues it I see. There are so many decisions to be made in life and we usually try so hard to make the "right" one. Even in hindsight it's often hard to tell what's right because hindsight changes all the time. I love living in an age of indoor plumbing, travel and such a variety of EVERYTHING all around us. That being said, sometimes I wish there WEREN'T so many choices. And that goes from cold medicine to men.

BUt before I get off track here... as far as marriage, I'm really struck by the one my parents have. They've been together for 55 years now and there was about a decade in the middle of that I thought they'd break up. My dad was just a real ass to my mom for some years in midlife when (I think) he wanted to be with someone younger and sexier (his older bro had just remarried that). TIme passed (the brother's young wife left him) &, once again, my dad seemed to realize how good he had it with my mom and started appreciating her. Now they are old together and read each other's thoughts. I think it's too late & I'm too set in my ways to have a LIFE PARTNER like that, but I can sure see the beauty of it.

Sorry, I'm rambling... but my point (kinda) was that 10 years of living with someone being crummy is a loooooong time when you're in those years, but in the scheme of things... not so much.

Anyway, life changes and whatever decisions you make...

I love living in an age of indoor plumbing, travel and such a variety of EVERYTHING all around us. That being said, sometimes I wish there WEREN'T so many choices. And that goes from cold medicine to men.

Ain't that the truth!!! Um . . . junk food choices??? It sure was a lot better for weight maintenance when people had to grow or kill what they ate LOL!

BUt before I get off track here... as far as marriage, I'm really struck by the one my parents have. They've been together for 55 years now and there was about a decade in the middle of that I thought they'd break up. My dad was just a real ass to my mom for some years in midlife when (I think) he wanted to be with someone younger and sexier (his older bro had just remarried that). TIme passed (the brother's young wife left him) &, once again, my dad seemed to realize how good he had it with my mom and started appreciating her. Now they are old together and read each other's thoughts. I think it's too late & I'm too set in my ways to have a LIFE PARTNER like that, but I can sure see the beauty of it.

Sorry, I'm rambling... but my point (kinda) was that 10 years of living with someone being crummy is a loooooong time when you're in those years, but in the scheme of things... not so much.

That is a BEAUTIFUL story, Kare. You don't often hear things like that.

The bottom line is that people need to be willing to change and see the error of their ways. My dh and I counseled a couple once who were getting a divorce. It was so heartbreaking because she had gotten beyond the point of willing to try because she had been crushed so many times, and yet the sheer fact that she was at the stage where she had moved out and was filing for divorce put him in a position of wanting to now, finally, change. She was too emotionally damaged to even try again. And of course, their 10yo daughter was caught in the middle :think

Sometimes when we stick with something even though it's tough (um . . . does everything have a parallel with weight loss??? ) the rewards are greater than we imagined they could be.

Laura I could have written your post. And it seems the more weight I lose( not that ive lost much) the more he wants to get closer to me. Right now I am just not feeling it.

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I too Laura could of written your post to the T, I have been married 14yrs got married after my son was born..etc..etc..etc..

AMazing how several of us are going through the same thing..

I think losing weight makes us feel very vulnerable, on so many levels. For me I know that part of my eating problems stem from being sexually abused as a child - so when I am not eating, not as big, not as protected, I dont really want anyone near me. Even emotional closeness makes me feel raw.

Loopy - I swear we must be twins separated at birth. I feel "protected" and feel like people won't expect so much of me if I'm overweight. It's an isolation or a barrier that keeps people at a distance.

It's a tough thing you are going through and there will be many, many self doubting times but I really think in the end the choices we make are for the best. Or maybe it's making the best out of the choices you make and learning, growing and preparing for what comes next.

Take care and spend some time doing what you like to do!

Laura

Just remember that even though you are the one asking for the divorce you will greive the loss of the relationship. GIve yourself time to greive and don't let that grieving give you second thoughts. I was in a very physically abusive relationship with my ex husband and when I finally kicked him out I was grieving and almost let him come back. Remember that you are still experiencing a loss, give yourself time to heal, he will heal too. Wishing you best of luck in your decision. Take time, heal and maybe even pamper yourself, it really will help you rediscover "you" ~Mandy

thanks girls - things have indeed been rough, and yes I am in mourning already and it has started the doubts creeping in, but I have not let them get a foothold and I wont. I'm gonna make it!!! (can I borrow your quote for a while Mandy?)

the quote is yours for as long as you like. It really reminded me that there is an end to all of this when my daughter was really struggling with being so ill. Things are already starting to look brighter. I am sure they will get brighter for you as well. ~Mandy

Dear L, so sorry about the breakup. I am in agreement with Elisa regarding "sticking it out and getting help." However, I don't know the details and trust that you are making the best decision for yourself. Since, I think, you don't have children..that makes a difference in my book.

I married at age 19 and have been married for 21 years. It's been a roller coaster, but mostly good. Alot more work in marriage than I'd ever thought!!!!

Anyway, if you must still live together, just keep busy and out of the house as much as possible. Work, go to gym, visit girlfriends and family, etc. Just sleep there. Since it's for a short time, that would be doable. Be firm and don't sleep with the hubby as he will get mixed messages (this happens frequently with couples). Good luck. Shawn