mousecat88

We just had to take a 150 or something question test for our psych clearance. I told the psychologist about my issues with my appearance but they didn't consider body dysmorphia an issue... they were SUPER just focused on if I was a drug/alcohol addict or an emotional eater. Probably 50% of the questions were about drinking habits. I just took that test and that was it. I sorta think everyone figured when I got down to my former weight my body dysmorphia would just disappear because I would have a) experienced being actually fat and b) realize that at 140 I wasn't fat... thus solving the problem. Wrongo. My psychiatrist signed my clearance form no questions asked. I treat with her mostly for my Tourette's, however. We just recently started discussing the body dysmorphia, but I have seen a LOT of therapists in my past for it but have always been a therapy flunky. My current doc has always known about my body image issues, but until recently my biggest concern has been my motor tics so that is what we typically focus on since it outwardly affects my life (socially). But now the body image stuff is playing a more dangerous role, which is why we are focusing on that more now, too.

The sick part of me would be happy until I was 90lbs and on a feeding tube and dead by age 40 just so I "finally looked skinny". Every day is a struggle against those thoughts to even eat the 700 calories I do get. So that in itself is a big achievement for me. The script flipped from food addiction to food aversion and now since I have a "reason" I "can't" eat more... the sick part of my head is like "oh, you CAN'T eat more because you had bypass. AWESOME! don't bother! lose more more more!" (And, yes, I do see a psychiatrist for all of this). If I could get over always seeing myself as fat, which I did when I was thin virtually my entire life, maintenance would be a much simpler path.

Yeah, of course I know what I NEED to do. I just have an eating disorder and severe BD so it isn't quite as simple. It's like telling someone with depression to stop being sad. I am incredibly self-aware of the choices I make and how destructive they are. But these issues don't just resolve themselves overnight. I've had BD for over 20 years now and it hasn't remotely improved. So any ounce gained freaks me out. So part of me wants to stop losing, because that's the right thing. But part of me doesn't and is happy continuously losing until ?????

This is the one I got: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01N1UX8RW/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I told everyone! Makes life so much easier and you don't have to deal with any questions as to why you are losing weight or eating little or need to go to the hospital for complications, etc. Plus, I ended up inspiring some people to have the surgery. Like, there is no natural way I would have lost 158lbs in less than a year. It would have been stupid obvious anyways. Like "Oh yeah, Brenda. My low-carb diet and exercise helped me lose 150lbs in 10 months." In no reality ever.

Seems like a minor administrative issue. My recent MRI just got denied because "I didn't have a prior authorization", even though I had the authorization confirmation from the insurance and was standing there when the doctor called for the auth. They fix that stuff right away.

I still have some chewables left and I am really really tired of the taste. I have been able to take the nonchewables for a long time now, but I bought so many chewable ones I am still working through them. Soon...soon... They don't taste awful, but it gets stuck in my molars and is bleh.

I talked to my surgeon about the tape yesterday. He said you should be able to use a single piece of tape for 3 weeks straight. Take it off when you shower, and then stick it back on. No need to "rinse off".

Day 5: What item in my home and I most grateful for? Well, since the law treats animals as property, I will say my cats. EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE FURRY PEOPLES. Material item.... superficially, my TV because I am lazy and it keeps me entertained. On a deeper level, I cherish having my baby blanket stored in my closet. I also have ashes from my first kitty in a locket, and imprinted paw prints from a pet rat I loved.

Either way, I am eating about half that anyways. This is very challenging.

My surgery is in 2 weeks. I am paying a little over 20K for a tummy tuck and an arm lift. I paid a little less than 1K 2 months ago for skin removal around my bra band. The anesthesia fee was about 1500$. The SurgiCenter fee was about 3500$. The remainder was the surgeon's fee.

I wasn't taking carb blockers - the only supplements I take that aren't traditional vitamins are pre-workouts which do (allegedly) have a fat burning component. But I haven't been taking those since I haven't been to the gym in 2 months now.

The Tanita Body Composition Analyzer from the bariatric surgeon's office.

some snaps i just took of "my condition". Lol. Can't waaaaaittt.

I had horrible skin elasticity since... basically childhood. Stretch marks since age 9 just from growing (not getting heavy). I exercised hardcore up until recently, but still have a lot of excess skin simply due to the rapid rate of loss. I don't know how unavoidable it was or to what extent I helped by exercising but it is still bad enough to warrant surgery. My plastic surgeon said it IS making the tummy tuck portion easier on me since I have a strong core... they won't need to suture the muscles as tightly.

Random comment about eating out on dates: Since I am loud and proud about my WLS, a date not knowing isn't an issue BUT there's plenty of things you will be able to eat and it won't seem strange! Some days I can eat a full 6oz steak and a side. Or a good portion of a salad. You won't need highly obvious micro portions forever. I think it's all workable as far as eating out. You can order off the "healthy" side of the menus and it's usually lighter fare with smaller portions anyway.

Also cleared to go back to the gym in January post-plastics so that'll add to the massive calorie deficit. Buhhhh.

I am never going to be able to maintain my weight with the little I eat argghhh Today I've only had one yogurt, 3 wings, a packet of protein chips, and a packet of dried seaweed. My plastic surgeon saw me today and said I looked awesome and not *gaunt* like some bypass patients end up.... but I'm on that path. Making turkey brats w/ coleslaw for dinner. Yesterday I ate straight JUNK knowing I would get sick but it was a lot of calories and I felt desperate in the moment to "stop losing". I did get sick, not shockingly. I'm about to have my plastics so I have GOT to get the cals and protein up for recovery. Big unf. I tried eating some beef veggie soup my stepdad made that *gasp* had TINY cubes of potato in it and it made me sweaty and nauseous. Edit: Just reading the few above comments. I DO know my BMR and it's 1350 (give or take). Which is comical since I eat about 600-700 cals tops (and obviously a lot less today).

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Start by: 1. Posting your personal goal WLS goal: Finish plastics and tone up! Life goal: Make money, buy cats. 2. Add your surgery type, status (pre/post op, losing/maintenance) RNY, still losing but need to be in maintenance! 3. Weight and BMI (not necessary but encouraged) In ticker! 4. Tell us what you are grateful according to the day This is tough... I can't think of just one memory I am grateful for. I guess waking up from all of my many surgeries I've had is a good one. LOL. Also the days I chose to breakup with dysfunctional boyfriends of yesteryear. Those were all good memories. lmao..

I think for my WLS tattoo, I want one of the crude cub-Simba drawing Rafiki does in his tree in the Lion King. Because it a reminder to remember who I am and where I came from to where I am now. "remember.... simba... whooo... you...areee." *misty fog* *mufasa's face in clouds* basically not let this bangin' body get to my head.

heh i was thinking of just having the same thing re-done. OR maybe a giant cartoon cat head on a tiny dragon body?

Oh yeah he did say there may be numbness between my belly button and the incision line. I had lipo... everywhere.. in 2009 and still have numbness under my arms. Very bizarre.

The top half of my hip dragon tat is getting chopped off during my upcoming tummy tuck. Photoshop what I should get tattooed in its place! Or simple suggestions welcome. Nothing is too ridiculous. (Yes the whole thing is super faded. It is 13 years old and was hidden by a fat roll for 10 years, LOL)

He said within 4 weeks I should be back at yoga. lol. But NO weights for 8 weeks. He said after week 1 I need to start stretching. And I should be off pain meds within 5 days. AMA!