4me4them

So it has been 2 months since my surgery. I took an extended break from this blog and the site because I was getting crazy. I was crazy obsessed with every ounce that didn't come off when I thought it should, with every bite that went into my mouth (or didn't). For me, I couldn't read about the great weight loss that others were experiencing because it caused the same bad feelings I used to get when looking at fashion websites....and I knew for me that wasn't a good sign. Today is the first day in a very long time that I've logged back into the site. Here is what I think I've learned in the 2 months since my surgery: 1. It's more complicated than I thought it would be. I did really well on the two week pre-diet and I thought post op would be like that...I would religiously follow a strict plan and success would happen! For some reason that was much harder to do starting about 20 days post-op. Perhaps it was because I had been on liquids, squishy things for MONTHS at that point, perhaps it was Christmas and all the holiday habits...but I found myself eating things I knew I shouldn't....albeit very small quantities. So when I went back to the nutritionist at about 6 weeks post-op, she was supportive but also blunt. Eating bread, rice, pasta are not good post op because they swell in the stomach....hearing that made me really take notice....did I go through all this to sabotage it 6 weeks out with some bread? NO I DID NOT! 2. I have to be more patient with myself. I've settled into about 700-800 calories a day...which for me is allowing around 2 pounds loss per week...and I've become accepting of that. For some reason I thought it would be 6 or 7 pounds a week...but not for me. I have stopped weighing every day and weigh just once a week again. I've dropped so many clothes sizes that I recently had to give away some pants I wore for 3 weeks....3 weeks! I mention that because it is another way when the scale doesn't move to know that I'm doing right things. 3. If you share your journey with folks, they will ask you questions afterwards as well....especially "so how much have you lost" which is really annoying when you haven't lost anything in a couple of weeks. It can also be awkward when you go out to eat with them...like I sometimes have to do for work events. The first one I went to was at a freakin Pizza Parlor. I ordered the meat sub, minus the bread...and ate 1/4 of it...lol. The folks at the table kept asking me if I wanted a wing...which I didn't...and saying things like "I should really be eating like you". I think I made them feel guilty...which made me feel guilty. 4 I still like chocolate. There I said it. I have given up bread, rice and pasta....but I still crave chocolate and so when I enjoy a piece, I really enjoy it, log the calories and move on. I've also found some good diabetic dessert recipes that I'm working with. 5. I still like cooking....a lot! I cook different things (cauliflower "rice" anyone?) and I grill a lot. I'm also eating more fish. I'm glad this part of my life didn't go away... 6. I haven't figured out a consistent exercise plan yet. Most days I get 30 minutes of walking, but that is usually at work and is to and from meetings...while I'm glad to be able to do that, I know that I have to get some more intense cardio going to improve my heart health and stamina. So, one question I get a lot is ....was it worth it...and I would say absolutely YES! While not as fast or easy as I thought it would be, I have never in my adult life lost 57 pounds before...and I know in my core that those are 57 pounds I will not regain...so yes it was worth it! Till next time...Beth

So....this is a long story but I'm going to put the point right up front. Be prepared to be your own advocate after your surgery! I had my sleeve surgery on 03 December. 04 was a bit rough but that night I was finally making peace with my sleeve when at about 0130 in the morning I slipped into atrial fibrillation...which means the heart is not beating correctly. The atria, which squeeze the blood away from the heart were fluttering and my heart rate was fluctuating between 120-200...normal is a range, but generally under 90. I was quickly moved out of my room on a floor that has had extra training in bariatric surgery care and moved to the cardiac unit. I wasn't in pain or uncomfortable at all...in fact my surgery healing has been amazing! However, the cardiac nurses required a lot of education about what I could and could not have/eat/drink. The hospital is not prepared to feed a new bariatric patient. The only "protein drink" they had was Ensure which was over 350 calories for only 11 g protein. Then they started bringing the pills. I don't know about you, but it has been drilled into me NO PILLS! So I refused to take them until the surgeon gave his ok which he eventually did. THEN, the put me on nothing by mouth, meaning no water, no nothing until they did a procedure where they tried to shock the heart back into a normal rhythm. This whole time I'm only allowed to go to the bathroom otherwise I had to be in bed...so much for walk, walk, walk. Conversion attempts failed and they discharged my on the 6th still in Afib but with what we thought was a controlled heart rate. Best.Shower.Ever was how I would describe getting home! Unfortunately because the heart medications were run through the same IV, I developed cellulitis and by Sunday evening my forearm was hot, swollen and the redness was moving up my arm....so back to the ER we went....here in my hometown which is 75 miles away from the hospital I had my surgery. The local ER folks FLIPPED OUT because my heart rate was 190 when I showed up....and by midnight I had been transported back to the hospital in Tucson. Now I was a bariatric patient with cardiac complications on a general medicine floor...kind of like the Island of Misfit Toys from Rudolph the Red Nosed reindeer. The staff here were competent, but definitely not the A-team I experienced on the cardiac floor. So back to the same old thing, only in bed and to the bathroom....spend all day Monday waiting for a cardiac consult that never came. Didn't see a dr after 0700...very frustrating. At one point they brought me 2 horse pills to take and when I said I couldn't the nurse asked "Why not?" It took everything I had not to unload on her..."Um...let see because my stomach is the size of a sharpie....let's start there". Then she came back a couple of hours later with 7 pills at once...she was not my favorite as she never did get my situation. Tuesday morning the surgical fellow came by and I kind of unburdened myself to him...I was frustrated that no one was talking/consulting with me. I had been in Afib for over 4 days now, still had a heart rate that spiked every time I walked the 6 steps to the bathroom and was worried they were going to discharge me still in Afib again. I told him my "island of misfit toys" analogy and he agreed. He also got my surgeon involved (Dr. Galvani is head of surgery at UofA) and by 0900 I had 3 doctor visits! When I told the internal medicine doctor that I was still spking up as high as 205, she had no idea....not a real confidence builder in the staff of the floor. She agreed though that they wouldn't send me home with an unstable heart rate...which is all I wanted to hear. At about 1130 Tuesday morning as fast as it started, my heart converted on its own back to normal sinus rhythm. YAY! A few quick laps around to ward to make sure it wasn't joking around and I was being processed to leave the hospital!!!!! So upshot is I'm on a ton of new medications, including a blood thinner and will remain on them for at least 3 months. They think it was all caused by the fluids/electrolytes/stress of surgery but want to make sure. I'm home, eating my plain yogurt and I couldn't be happier! I'll post later about what my husband brought to the hospital to help me stay close to being on my plan. Cheers! Beth

So this is my last post before surgery. Tonight we are going to a hotel in the city where the hospital is. Tomorrow at 0900 my surgery will happen. I've been more nervous today, I think it is as much anticipation and the unknown as anything. I have a great support system, did not cheat once on the preop diet and am ready to face what comes the next few months. I thought about leaving a bunch of "If you are reading this bad things happened...." notes for my kids and husband but decided against it. I didn't want to spend time focusing on the sad/bad/negative. I'm comfortable that they know I love them and that they understand my wishes should things go wrong. Enough said. I'll post again in a few days! Beth

So you can probably tell from the title that my mind is all over the place today! Less than 48 hours to go and I'm getting more nervous by the hour...lol. I'm glad it didn't start till this late in the game. Had the final appointment with the surgeon today. Very short. His resident asked if I had any questions which I did: 1. How do you manage pain? IV injections and then liquid pain meds...no pump 2. How long do you anticipate the surgery will be? About 2 hrs 3. Will I have a drain? No. If I wake up with a drain that is not a good thing. 4. Does fixing the hiatal hernia found during the EGD change the recovery time? No. While we were waiting to go in I found myself looking at everyones butt and wondering....will mine look like that, or I hope pants fit me like that when I'm done...anyway I am not a perv. I do not normally go around fixated on peoples butts. Then hubs and I started talking about what he wanted for dinner....the hospital is about 1.6 hours from home and I didn't want to cook. So we are talking and keep saying...do you want mashed potatoes? He actually doesn't eat mashed potatoes but I couldn't get them off my mind. We picked up his food and it smelled AMAZING! But I stayed strong and put some curry powder on my cottage cheese for a treat.

So I put my 50 year old self in time out last night. I really deserved it. I totally went berserk over a string of Christmas lights that wouldn't light. Of course I was tired, feeling head hungry, frustrated that my day to day plan before surgery was getting disrupted, anxious to get the tree done, melancholy about surgery Wednesday....and probably a bunch more. The line Ron Weasley utters when Hermione tells them about what Cho is feeling comes to mind...."No one can feel all that or they would explode" just came to mind. He's right! OLD Beth would have said screw the diet, and would have eaten everything in site. EMERGING Beth told the family (husband and adult brother) I'm going to the bedroom. I was in time out about 1.5 hours, then I took a hot shower and rejoined the husband to watch football and eat my yogurt. I slept almost 10 hours and this morning I'm much clearer of mind and I didn't bust my plan! YAY. Now to go fix those dang lights. Beth

So this morning marks the start of the 5th day of my liquid pre-op diet. Here's what I'm taking in every day: 3 protein shakes 1 8oz plain/vanilla yogurt 1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese 4 oz apple juice 11 0z low sodium v8 juice Broth/sugar free jello/popsicles within reason So it isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I posted on the forum about my meltdown day one...went grocery shopping and was totally unprepared for the rush of sadness...got through it without going off plan and haven't felt that way again...but it was INTENSE! Silly, but intense. I find that I'm waking up earlier (usually because I'm hungry), staying up later and my house is getting really clean! In fact my husband said I'm freaking him out a bit because I'm not a natural housekeeper. We used to invite people over so we would be forced to really clean up...lol I'm still cooking and that makes me happy. I made my own homemade chicken broth and beef broth because the canned stuff is nasty. I'm still cooking for the guys (husband and adult brother that lives with us) and for the most part that is a relaxing thing for me. I put my broth in a pretty Starbucks coffee thingy to keep it warm and drink that while I'm cooking, then I have my shake when we all sit down. I wont say it has been easy...but I am determined to make the most of this surgery and so I'm following the instructions exactly. I've weighed every morning since I started and am down 9 pounds in 5 days. I'm really going to try to stop weighing because I'm worried that A. when it slows down I'll be bummed and B. I don't want the scale that involved the first couple of months after. See I'm a scale obsessive. Whew, it feels better saying that. I think I've written about this before but I let the scale dictate way too much! Either I'm successful so I allow a "treat" or I'm not and I figure nothing that I do matters and damn the torpedoes (order a pizza!) so not weighing for the next few weeks will be better. In fact as I'm typing this I think I'm going to move the scale out of the bathroom altogether. In fact I'm going to go do that right now, because my memory seems to be a little suspect the past few days. But more about that next time. Beth

Just what I needed to hear after a difficult day yesterday...thanks!

So I survived vacation with only gaining 2 pounds, which came off in 2 days! Yay me. We (hubby helped a lot) did very good the first week at my moms. Shakes for breakfast and lunch, reasonable dinner. Even went to my favorite Italian restaurant and ordered meatballs, no appetizer and only had 1 bite of their signature almond cake. The beach was not as good. I'm not sure why...might have been because I had not told my in-laws about the surgery. Anyway it's over and I don't currently have another one scheduled so I should be well down my road before I have to figure that out. Had the endoscopy and it wasn't too bad. Arrived at 0700 (I was the first of the day). Was in the prep area by 0715...it was the first time in a long time that my husband couldn't come back with me. The nurse cracked me up...she asked if I wanted the larger gown and I thought Duh of course I do. Then she said....I think you could use the regular one...I mean your big but your not BIG....LOL I am too BIG that's why I'm here So I meet the anesthesiologist who is a nurse practitioner...I joked and said "I guess you are going to put me a little under" and he said "Actually we are going to put you a lot under" I guess that is sleepy time humor. Then Dr. Galvani comes in absent his usual entourage of students (I'm using a university hospital). He jokes that he will be slower because they usually do the paper work. IV is started, and by 745 I'm on my way into the procedure room. They put the mask over my nose, turn me on my left side, put a bite block in my mouth and I start to fight to stay awake. A bite block is a round tube like thing that they strapped onto my face (I guess they did, all I remember is being told to bite it but not hard). It protects the scope and keeps the mouth open during the procedure. The last thing I hear is Dr. Galvani talking to the others in the room about a different design for the room with stuff hanging from the ceiling...I think. I woke up back in the original staging area around 840. Had some gunk in my throat as I was waking up that they suctioned out. I swear that nurse had me out of bed and in the bathroom to get dressed within 10 minutes and I wobbled to the car at about 850 with a print out of pictures of my insides...kinda cool for a science nerd like me but hubby passed on the offer to look. We had always planned to go get breakfast so we took the long way to the café because I was feeling kinda woozy. Breakfast was uneventful except when I put pepper in my tea....but hey, that could happen any day right? Had only two lasting side effects...one was a slightly busted lower lip...apparently I caught my lip between my tooth and the bite block (it cleared up in 2 days) and I had a tenderness right under my left ear...which also went away. We putzed around in Tucson till my last NUT apt and my pre-surgery class...both of which went well. Back to work the next day, Friday and as I was driving home I got the call that the insurance had been approved! So I start my pre-op diet on 19 November and am scheduled for surgery on 03 December...This has been a long one so I'll talk about the irrational stupid self talk my brain is now putting me through later.

So it's been awhile! Did you miss me? I have been so busy lately...The two day a week liquid diet had some interesting challenges. The first couple of weeks I found myself way overeating on the other 5 days. So at week three I started doing the liquid thing for bfast and lunch on the 3rd day and eating dinner. I've also played with liquid for bfast and dinner and eating lunch. The reason for the experimentation is that hubby and I are going to visit our parents for the next two weeks and I've been wondering how to NOT GAIN WEIGHT! Lots of old habits around food and our families. I plan to shake for two meals and then eat sensible portions of whatever I want for the third meal (I haven't had surgery yet). I'm also taking my walking shoes! I hope that my working eating this way for the past week will help me do it on vacation...I'll let you know how it goes. On a side note, for the lades out there...I threw away ALL of my remaining granny panties today! I replaced them with fun colors, ruffles...you get the picture...no boring white cotton! On the WooHoo front, I also was able to buy a pair of pajama's at Wal Mart...doesn't seem like much but they are really cute (pink with sheep and they say "sheep dreams'). The point is, if I hadn't started this journey back in July, I would not have been able to get them....they wouldn't have fit at all! Hope everyone is having a good week. I probably wont post for a couple of weeks...but I'll let you now how the eating plan for the vacation went! Beth

PS...I used my insulated coffee mug with ice to keep the shake cold while I drank it...can't chug those things and they are nasty when they warm up...

So I had my final NUT appointment on Monday. She has put me on a two consecutive days a week liquid diet...like the one that I will have to do prior to surgery. The other 5 days I am eating my surgeon's "Stage 4" diet, which is basically back to whatever foods you can tolerate. I did my two days yesterday and today. Here is my doctor's/NUTs schedule 0600 (I go to work early) Protein Shake. no more than 130 calories, no more than 13 Carbs and at least 20g protein 0900 4oz apple or cranberry juice, 6 oz plain or vanilla greek yogurt (no more than 100 calories) 1200 Protein Shake 1500 (3 in the afternoon) 11.25 oz low sodium V8 (or 4 oz V8Fusion) and 1/2 C cottage cheese 1800 (6 in the evening) Protein Shake 2000 (8 in the evening) juice and yogurt if needed. Up to 2 cups low sodium broth, 5 sugar free popsicles and unlimited non calorie/decaffeinated drinks. So day one was not to bad. I cruised actually. Planned to do day one on the day I do yoga at night so I was out of the house when my hubby and brother (who lives with us) ate. I did make one mistake....I tried to add a little sugar free jello powder to the vanilla shake and it was totally disgusting...got clumpy and was way overly sweet. Couldn't even get it down...lol Lesson learned...don't try to go all Chopped on the protein shake! Today has been a bit more of a challenge...but still not as bad as I thought it would be. I ate a popsicle while fixing dinner so my mouth had something to do. As I'm typing I'm drinking my first Unjury Shake...strawberry and not too bad...not overly sweet. I have my tennis shoes on so if it gets to be too much when the guys get home and have dinner I can go for a walk. I'm going on vacation 14 October for two weeks...I may continue the shakes for bfast and lunch...then when I get back I have about a month before I start the pre-op 14 day diet...may try to up my 2 days to 3 just to get ready.

So I'm a believer in the night time routine I learned about at Miraval Spa. I've been using it for the past week and my sleep is deeper, and I can get back to sleep quicker. Some pre-stuff before the routine: 1. Make your room as dark as possible. We moved our phone chargers, turned the clock so that it was not facing the bed, and stopped leaving a light on in the main living area...we now use a night light out there. 2. Create a cozy place to do your routine. If your spouse is on board, the living room is just fine. I have an old recliner in another room that I'm using when hubby doesn't want to get zen with me About an hour before you want to fall asleep: 1. Put on pjs (even if you don't sleep in pjs, put on clothes that you can begin to associate with sleep. This becomes a signal that you are going to sleep. 2. Wash face, brush teeth, take meds... 3. Find some relaxing music that you can listen to...or use fan to create white noise. I found a couple of cheap massage music things on I-tunes. 4. Light should be very low...I had to wrap a lamp with a scarf to get it low enough even with a 40W lightbulb 5. Take a few really deep breaths. Breath out should be longer than breath in. Think about pulling your belly button back to your spine on your exhales. 6. Sit quietly and notice what you are thinking about. 7. Use a journal to record what you are thinking about, any action steps you want to take the next day...the point is to get it out of your head and onto paper. You can also write about your day, include things you are grateful for...really anything. 8. If you like to read before bed....use the remainder of your time to read....not in bed. (this was hard for me at first, but the results speak for themselves!) 9. When you are ready for bed, move to the bedroom, using as little light as possible. If you can't fall asleep within 30 minutes get up and repeat....or if you wake up and can't fall back to sleep repeat. Let me know what you think and/or if you have any success with this! Beth

Many thanks! I've rebounded! Yay! It's really hard to break out of when it is happening though...your good wishes definitely helped!

So my husband of almost 29 years booked us a long weekend at Miraval Health and Wellness Resort this weekend...a place I have wanted to go to since moving to AZ over 20 years ago. Why didn't we go before you might be asking...2 main reasons...1. It is kind of expensive and 2. I always thought I'd go when I was skinny (not healthy mind you but skinny). He is supportive of my weight loss surgery and he booked it as a 50th birthday celebration, and as a way to learn some tools that might help through this life changing journey I'm on to have successful weight loss with surgery. This is the first of a few posts to share what I learned. The first class we did was called Better Sleep. I know my sleep struggles are neither unique nor are they as severe as some, but when I have a bad stretch it really screws up a lot of things. I was reminded that sleep is the ONLY time the body is in repair mode. It is doing all the maintenance stuff it needs to do to keep me going. Even one night of too little sleep messes up the body's ability to repair itself. The RN who taught the class (you can access her Better Sleep Blog at the Miraval site here: http://www.miravalresorts.com/blog/post.cfm/6-myths-facts-on-adequate-sleep ) gave us what a "perfect day" designed to promote sleep would look like. Yep I said DAY. Many of the things we do all day long, including first thing in the morning can interfere with a good nights sleep So here goes: 1. Get up within 1/2 hour of the same time every day...even weekends. The body likes to know what is going on. Having wildly differing wake up times keeps it guessing too much so it tends to make you feel sleepy because it is worried that you wont give it enough. 2. Get some AM Sunshine. The color of light in early morning sunshine shuts off the body's natural melatonin production which is good because melatonin is a hormone that regulates the body's clock. 3. Get some AM Exercise. This is not to short those of you who like to exercise in the afternoon, but most people get an energy boost from exercise so it makes sense to time it early in the day....even better if you can combine numbers 2 and 3. 4. Confine caffeine to the morning. Double steep your tea to reduce the amount of caffeine you get from it (steep for 1 minute, throw that away and then steep to desired strength). 5. Carve out some time daily to drop your "hyper-aroused state" which is totally NOT a sexual thing . When we try to multi task, the body can interpret that as a danger...which engages the fight or flight response...which triggers cortisol...which is the stress hormone...which in an overabundance can do bad things . Some ways to do this: Set aside one hour in the AM and one hour in the PM when you will NOT MULTITASK. You will focus on one thing at a time for that period. Use a calming "breath walk". Breath in through your nose for four steps, then release the breath for six steps and repeat... can be used when you are walking down the hall to another office, walking to your car... 6. Stay hydrated....I didn't write down why and now I can't remember....but I underlined it so it must be important 7. Stop eating 2-3 hours before bed time. Food energizes body functions which is not what you want when trying to wind down. I had a hard time with this next part....Bed is for sleeping and sex only! I LOVE to read in bed before turning out the light....have done it since I learned how to read. When I asked her about it after the lecture, she said to try the other things first...but to realize that reading may be too stimulating and if the other things don't work I may have to change that habit. Tomorrow I'll post about creating a night time ritual....something I'm trying for the first time tonight...so I'll let you know how it goes! Beth

So this entry is an "OK news" bad news one. I wasn't able to pull it together last week. The stress kicked my butt and the result was a 3 pound gain on the scales. Now I'm under the gun because the only thing my NUT said on 07 August was....don't gain! Ugh. So I have two weeks to get down 4 pounds so that I can go in at least one pound lighter on 08 Sept. It was a very humbling experience. I thought I had this. I thought I had turned a corner on my relationship with food...but yeah....not so much. Looking back I can even see that I was a bit cocky... So what did I learn? 1. For me white flour is my gateway drug. I can not consume bread, pasta or other things made from wheat flour and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Maybe I never will and I will have to get over it. 2. I still have the "all or nothing" mentality. Yes it was a very stressful week, but my job at times is stressful and I need to develop stress coping skills that do not involved food. I need to figure out how to rebound sooner...one unhealthy day can not become one unhealthy week! 3. The biggest thing I learned is that I do need this surgery. I had 5 healthy weeks, hit my NUTs calorie, carb and protein goals, logged all my food, exercised, felt great...the whole nine yards....and I started to think maybe I COULD do it without surgery....but yeah....not so much. So my goal for today is no flour! My goal for tomorrow is to start using myfitensspal again and start exercising again. I'll let you know how it goes! Beth