HaddocksEyes

Wow - you look great! Congratulations!

Congratulations! Your post is oozing with happiness!! YAY!!!

I am so glad for you that you found a happy place. And you are right about comparing smoking to being abused, either verbally or physically. Abuse is far and away a more severe problem to face. I'm so happy that you don't have to deal with it anymore. He's really a great guy and I need to remember that this is a stressful time for everyone involved and more TLC and understanding than usual should be given and extended to everyone in the family. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really appreciate it.

We did finally talk and what it came down to was exactly what you said - he was very hurt by the way I have been acting and was very concerned that it would get worse as time went on and as I lost weight I would become increasingly difficult to live with. I have been making him feel really bad and for that I apologized profusely. I had no idea how I was making him feel because I was so preoccupied with what I was feeling. Not a bad thing but when you don't consider others too, not so good. Thank you for taking the time to post a response - you were right!

Thank you so much for sharing. You may be young, but you are wise. I really appreciate the suggestions and I did look up the link you sent - I am going to order her book. Thank you again!

Thank you so much for the reply - everything you said is so true.

I'm not sure I want to live out there anymore. I'm tired of the constant work to keep it up and the money it costs to keep it up at just a minimum level.

After I read your post I thought a bit about what you said. Yes, there is a lot more going on here than I can really share in good conscience because they are too private and sharing them would be a betrayal to him, even in a forum that is relatively anonymous. There's no drug use, cheating, he doesn't drink or beat me or anything like that. I just had the revelation that having this surgery is opening up a whole can of worms for me. It's bringing to the surface things I have suppressed over the past 20 years, things I didn't want to deal with or think about that I pushed to the subconscious level. And I think that is what is happening to him too. And it's not very pretty.

It's very nice to have a male ex-smoker's opinion. Thank you very much for chiming in. I am so sorry that she continues to smoke - I hope she quits sometime in the future. Best of luck to you too in every challenge you face.

You are totally right - I have to either accept it or move on. I can't force him to do what he really doesn't want to do. And if he had treated me like this before I was ready to make the decision to take control of my weight, yeah, it would not have gone well. I would have been angry at him for trying to tell me what to do and sad that maybe he doesn't find me attractive anymore.

I have been feeling like I can't stand his habit anymore to the point that I can't live with him anymore if he doesn't quit. I just have to live apart from him so I don't have to be around what he is doing to himself. Not necessarily a divorce, but just be separated. I know I can't be any fun to be with, so to me, moving out solves that part of the issue, but then causes others in its wake. In the very beginning, I told him I couldn't marry him unless he stopped smoking so he made the decision that he wanted to be married more than he wanted to smoke, so he quit. He has promised me over and over again within the past 6 months that he will quit...maybe I bullied him into doing that and he feels resentful.

I have not been talking to my husband for five days now and he refuses to talk to me too. It started over his smoking, which I just cannot stand anymore. He smoked before and while we were dating but quit before we were married but then started again about 3 years into the marriage. I let it go because I loved him and because we had a small child. I had nowhere to go and couldn't support myself and I don't believe in divorce. Over the past 17 years things got better and I obtained two degrees and we had another child. Now, my children are both teenagers and one is getting ready to head to college. I work full time now and make a pretty decent salary. I've felt over the past couple of years that something needed to change and I became increasingly unhappy with myself, both personally and professionally. Health-wise, I've been testing as a borderline diabetic for years now. I've been in denial about that part, thinking the test was just a fluke and so on. When my knee went out last year, so much so I needed surgery, I knew that I had to do something. The doctor told me if I do not lose weight, I am looking at knee replacement surgery sooner rather than later and that the other knee will eventually suffer the same fate. I had been looking into weight loss surgery prior to the knee surgery, but never thought it was really for me. There's the denial again. I realize that the surgery will change everything. I've expressed to him that I know things will change, but they have to because I can't go on like this anymore. I've told him that he has to change too because how we live our life together has caused both of us to be unhealthy. I've really been harping on the smoking because I don't want to see him die from cancer, stroke or have lung disease. He's about 70 pounds overweight too, so that adds to the issue. I've banned him from smoking anywhere where I can see him and I told him I don't want to smell it or know about it. I did this because it was the only way I could think of to deal with the fact that he continues to smoke and probably will never quit. He got mad at me because he feels like he should be able to do what he wants on his own property. We live on acreage so there are places he can go where I can't see him. The other night he got into bed and smelled like smoke. It made me so mad because how dare he come into our bed right after he finished smoking. It hurt me so much that he would do that too - it was a big slap in the face to me. I said some things to him that weren't nice. I called him a d**k, and I almost never swear or call names because it's very hurtful to the other person, but I was so mad and hurt it just came out. He tried to apologize to me via email the next day, but when I wrote back that he needed help from a psychologist or psychiatrist trained to help people with addictions in conjunction with a smoking cessation program (with a support group!) and he hasn't been talking to me since and I haven't been talking to him unless I have to. I'm not talking to him because what is there to say that I have not already said so many times? It just seems like a huge waste of time to me to try and hash this out because it is clear to me he doesn't want to quit and believe me, I know I can't make him quit. The times we have talked he looks at me like he can't stand me - this angry glare with contempt mixed in. Yes, I get it that I have an addiction too. The irony of that is not lost on me. But what I can't stop thinking about is that I am trying to get rid of my addiction..I am actively doing something to quit. I keep thinking that he will never quit and I will have to watch him die while I get healthier. It's so scary. He's tried the pharmaceutical route and none of the pills they normally prescribe are helping him. He's tried the patch and the gum and even e-cigarettes to try and wean off the regular one and those things haven't worked either. I wish there was a surgery for him too that would be the tool he can finally use to quit. He's not a person to air things and be up front about stuff in a relationship, but I am. You know what I am thinking and I am honest. He's more the passive-aggressive type. But when he really wants something, he will put his foot down and when he does, I know he is serious and I give in. He's really mad right now. I've never seen him act like this before. I don't know what is going on. I don't know if this is stemming from the fact that I am having surgery and he is scared about it. I don't know if he just is finally done with me and I just now forced him to realize it. I can say these things here that I could never tell anyone in the "real world" because I tend not to share things with people - I'm the one always trying to lift others up with positive comments and support. I feel so down and terrible - I have bad thoughts running through my head right now and they all say that what is happening is exactly what I deserve. That I should have never said anything and that I have no right to tell him to quit because it has to be his decision. Everything I was so sure about is in doubt. I am wondering if he will want a divorce and if I will have to move out of the house. I just don't know up from down. He was supposed to take me to the surgery and then take me home again. Now I am not so sure. I am just wondering how many of you have gone through something similar and what happened? How did you resolve the issues between you and your significant other? Why did something similar happen to you and was there anything you could have done differently to make it better or to stop it from happening? Not having the surgery is not an option, I do know that. Thank you in advance.

All I can say is wow - you look really good. I can tell you have spent some quality time in the gym. Congratulations!

Awesome weight loss!. Off topic - you have gorgeous hair.

My doctor and nutritionist said the hair will grow back. Hope they are right! I may be in the same boat with you-all. Bright side - maybe this will be the time to get a wig and try being blonde! LOL!

An attorney friend of mine uses this site and she always looks great!! I love the outfits she wears and they always look brand new. This is such a good suggestion - I didn't even think of it until i saw your post and went "oh, yeah..that's right!" I was planning to do the thrift store thing, but it is hard to find nice stuff when you NEED to find them. Always when you just pop in to see what they have is when you get lucky. Oh, she said you can also purchase an item if you really like it at a reduced price.

That's great to hear. Hope you continue to heal and improve.

So I got a date - August 18. If I can get my hemoglobin levels where they need to be, this will be the day. I'm close, but not close enough. If not, we will have to postpone. And that is fine by me because I want to be as healthy as I can be going in. Not feeling much of anything right now. I can guarantee you that as I get closer, that will change. I will start to get scared, I am sure. Just thought I would share. Thanks!

Your profile pic is hilarious!!! Thank you for the kind words and even though I don't know you, I am so happy for you that he is in remission. For everyone that asked, I do not have any symptoms at all - no issues whatsoever other than occasional heartburn-I've pretty much got a "cast iron" digestive system. Colon cancer (or any cancer for that matter) is almost non-existant on both sides of the family. Still, I know I can get cancer anyway - might be the first one, who knows? However, I think overall this has been a good thing because my freak out over this has pointed to a deeper issue that I must resolve because I will eventually need to submit to the test as a regular part of my physical check up sooner rather than later.

Update: I have the nicest and coolest doctor in the world - gosh I feel so lucky right now that he "gets" me. We will be moving forward. And I know that I need a little more help in the head shrink department to deal with the issue I have so that I can be healthy in the years to come. For those of you struggling with similar circumstances, you're not alone.

I saw your post elsewhere. I am SO glad for you that it worked!

So sad now to know I have to go find a doctor that will stick their finger in my butt. Sorry @@BitterSweet*, I was really hoping it was the other way around. LOL!!

The doctor is deciding whether or not to go forward without it. Thank you so much for asking!

We're not allowed to use a straw right after surgery but heck, I can't remember whether or not we can use one after the stomach is completely healed. Not sure about gum either but I would think that would be prohibited as well because that too can put extra gas in your stomach. Thanks for asking - now I am curious. I will ask the nurse or nutritionist next time I see them.

Wow, 39 polyps - I take it that none of them were cancerous? You have a good point that you found this out early and that you will have regular screenings for them. I think the age they start ordering colonoscopies as part of a checkup is mid to late 50's? Had you of waited, who knows what would have happened. I hope the surgery ends up being free for you. Good luck!