No game

There may be days you don't necessarily want to "fit in" around here, trust me but you do. So please talk when you have a feeling:) It's weird huh? Being fat yes, but the being small part too and the need to protect and cover.

Hi guys... I've been talking to Cheri this morning.. She wanted me to say hi to all of you for her and she wants you to know she misses you all and will be back soon (I hope because I personally have missed her)

Lol my husband would say just drink a glass of water! If anything he learned not to say that anymore... I think me talking so openly to him has enlightened him a lot. Especially when he is dealing with obese patients.. He has more empathy with them now and a genuine interest in helping. Sometimes even telling them about me.. 0_o

Hi, We don't cross paths much.. I'm glad you posted here. I feel like we all have gotten to know each other a bit more from it. I wanted to highlight this.. It really resonated with me.. A strange thing huh? That we are going to the old behaviors now and they just aren't working the way they used too.. Lol but I'm a stubborn puss and keep trying

Ok no surprise here because we all know how much I like to talk... My husband now knows pretty much everything. He didn't before, like when I told him i wanted The surgery the first thing he said was "but Laura you never eat" I started out not even thinking about telling him everything. But out of necessity I let him see my weight (he was probably in more denial about that than I was) he didn't want me to have this surgery, so I took him to the surgeons appt. with me and lay it all bare in front if him. Weight and everything... Sometimes when I tell him my dirtiest black moments of wanting to binge or sneak eat. Like this past two weeks I let him know about my nocturnal beast that tells me to stay up late and eat.. He looks at me in fascination, like I am a strange being from another planet. It is so far off of his thinking, his experience with food. Does it help me that he knows?? Lol, I'll have to get back to you in a year or two.. Because this cannot be measured in the initial weight loss alone..

Crowsnestmama, I have so much to say but can't find the words just yet... But two things I must say now. Thank you for sharing its nice for all of us to know we are not alone.. Also, I think you are a great mom because you are thinking and aware and I can tell by the way you talked about them even in that short time. There is love, deep caring love. They don't need perfection, they need us and our love.

Roo can I tell you something? Ok wigs... We all can remember times of seeing someone wear one and noticed because it didn't "look" quite right?? In life and in pictures.. This is the honest truth. I have a hard time believing that you have a hair piece on! Really it looks that natural. Trust me, I've got a big unfiltered mouth. I would tell you if it looked "off" I meant it when I said you looked beautiful

I went into this "holiday season" with "I want more that just to get by" or "maintain" lol!!! I'll be lucky to hold on for dear life and make it out the other end with only minor scrapes and bruises

I don't know what it would be like to have a "perfect" body... Even with the loss I still have my (In)security blanket of flesh. And I just told you how prettiness feels to me. I want it, I don't want it, I want to not need it, I can imagine plastics while really cool, can be an emotional journey too. I mean most of us are like aw man I lost this weight but dang I wish my thighs didn't drag down towards the floor.... As hard as it is to deal with my smaller self, what would it be like to deal with my more physically "perfect" or "normal" self? You are a great friend and a strong person Jane, I know active you are, and to be down by force even if it were something you wanted must be hard for you.. I bet when you can get up on that horse again. It will come together for you.

Sometimes I wish we all could meet... I would hold you.. With tears and love in my eyes.

OK Laura, I'm going to take you on a little ride. If you don't want to go on a little ride, then skip this post. Otherwise..... When your cleaning those toilets, picture all those dark thoughts pouring down the drain and being replaced with crystal clear healing nectar of the gods. Your brain is now floating in a warm, lovely healing bath that reaches the deepest recesses of your mind, past and present. It flows down past your eyes, nose, ears and mouth, then through your spinal cord, and on through your whole body, polishing and cleaning every inch of your body, leaving you glowing and healthy, strong and flexable. All perceived impurities and imperfections are washed away. You can feel the warm radiance of your perfect being. And starting with your son and lovely husband, you can see that they naturally are glowing and healthy, just like you. You can see it in everyone around you, every lovely being. Some know it, some do not, some forgot, and some remember, but they all have it. You have always been this way, you just forgot for a little while. You are a perfect being Laura, you have Buddha nature built in. If you water it, it will grow. I know you can see it in your lovely son, now go give him a hug, and realize you are that too. Love and hugs from your internet friend, who obviously spent some time with a few hypnotists in her life, as well as a few Buddhists and did not forget their style... <3After the wake of destruction I left behind this morning. Reading your calmness and love coming through is a gift I wasn't sure I deserved at first... But thank you. Thank you all so much, it means so much today. Today was a fast day for me, honestly I felt like I couldn't do it today.. But somehow I have not binged and I'm glad. I feel worn out emotionally but I feel I light of relief glowing around me too,,,

Great news!!! The best news! I'm so happy that they found it and were able to provide you with some relief.

You know ugly, pretty, it's such a weird concept. I want to be pretty, I don't want to be pretty.. I am pretty, I'm not pretty. It was all my father cared about right? Fat= ugly Skinny= pretty It meant everything to my mother too.. It always made me sad. Her self worth was her looks, it's what she had to offer the world. I make fun of her 5 husbands and five boob jobs now, but as a kid it saddened me. For many reasons depending on the day. Sometimes because I felt that she should know she had more to offer, other times because she hated other women that she perceived prettier than her.. By the way I at some point became a woman too.. And a lot of times I was sad because I could not be pretty like her. I felt she was a "real" woman that she knew the real woman pretty secrets I did not know.. I think this is the hard part about me losing the weight.. Part of me likes being invisible. I don't like entering the potentially attractive world. Last time I lost weight I was picked up on! I was giddy happy I couldn't believe it!! (Oh I'm married so it doesn't matter) He was so handsome! I went home and binged? I hate my fat self but I'm scared of my small self. Is that why I've always regained? Oh lord I'm rambling sorry gals! Lol where's my therapist

The pain.. I binge to the same extreme. Pain never stopped me. I've had moments wondering why did I think the sleeve would help? Because it makes me feel pain if I eat to much?? When you want to self destruct? it just gets you there a bit faster. I'm hoping that being aware of these dirty truths and open about them for the first time really, will help. So move over on that square one, I'll be standing right there with you.

RJ, I usually detach myself very easily from my past. I like to say it doesn't affect me anymore. But shit I hate this time if year! Any skeletons you may have rattling around in your closet ring you up for Christmas cheer... Lol, life, a perfect storm somedays.. I know we are taught these things. My memory is faulty and I've forgotten most of my childhood lessons.. But obviously I remember a few lines here and there...

This is part of my confusion with feelings today. My fat, I know it well I know most of the reasons I got here.. I have been open book most of the time here (sometimes laying too bare and fragile) This thread, it's timing and it's participants have had a great great affect on me today. I cannot say that it was all positive. I am raw, tired, worn.... This is just my emotions today. Time of year? I am not immune to the holiday blues.. Who knows really, But I relate to this passage above. As it seems to be an ongoing theme to which I am faced with daily. I'm not sure why it has to be a debate everyday.. Or maybe just not today. It made my feel like will the real ugly fat person please stand.

Jane it's so hard today... Thank you for what you said here and the other thread.. I was doing so good and now it seems to be falling apart? I wish I could get out of the black and white and live in the gray for a while..

Tough day... I know I can be all about me sometimes.. I am sorry, but I feel out of control I have self hate and want to ruin my progress with binging... Ok I'm going to clean some toilets and cheer my self up o_0

My uncomfortable Truth... I am an ugly person. I feel like I do my best somedays to hide it. Today I didn't.. I want to be good. I am a sham. I talk about being vulnerable? But the minute I open up? I feel that I'm ready to strike. I have been fighting binges the last three weeks. I win, lose.. Family! People! Me! It's too much somedays.. Now I sit here offended BUT also the offender.. Thinking to myself right now, EAT! BINGE! You have good reason! Look at that corner you are in, the one you painted yourself! You are fat, you, ugly, you are bad....

My hair for many years was my "best" feature it is also my security blanket. When it fell out after surgery, and fall out it did, Everywhere... I was a mess. I would see my reflection in the car window and want to run back in the house, there were bald spots that couldn't be avoided. I get the "hair vanity" thing is what I think saying.. But really I wrote here to tell you, I think you picture looks beautiful, you are beautiful.

Two days ago I thought I'd outsmart my nocturnal little demon.. I went to bed at 8:30 HAHA! You hungry sneak eating bastard take that!! Slept like a baby until 1:30am it woke me up saying "you can't sleep" "you can go downstairs and just drink tea" "I promise tea, that's all I want" Ha! "You lying sack of poop!" I said to it!! So I bored myself to tears (and sleep) trying to remember the name of that film starring Demi Moore the one where she was a ghost, you know the one with the pottery wheel scene... It worked! sweet sleep! Until 4:30 it said "eat food at this magical hour does not count for yesterday or today's total!" It's a sneaky nocturnal bastard...

<br> And I think a girl likes him!!!! <br> I've spotted her twice now at his side once two weeks ago she made a bee line to sit with him and chatted his eat off. <br> Then today at honor roll who's by his side chatting his ear off Sorry bout the off topic but it's monumental!

Deep cleansing breath.... In....... And out.... My first real breath today. I love you guys

My compulsive behaviors are nocturnal! I think I told you this. I will purposely stay up late to do these things (compulsively eat)

Lol,I'm glad my son doesn't have that kind because he would of learned some choice words from me very early on