TwinsMama

Thanks so much for your comment Adorable...I've made up my mind to sleeve. Now to be sure my head stays in the right place. The constant up and down is wrecking my body so this is like my last ditch effort.

So I've been thinking a lot about the aspects of the sleeve that scare me. I'm pretty good at letting my imagination run wild so I've come up with the following: Loose skin - yes, I'll admit I want to look darn good after going through such a drastic weightloss process. I see that as a sort of reward for all the hard work. What if I look worse with loose skin than I look now with the weight? I love my curves and being tall I've been told I carry them well, but I know they are conspiring against me long term. So I have to lose weight to stay healthy but man would I like to have a nice firm look post-weight loss. Big head - okay this is sort of comical but yes, I don't want my already big "apple-ish" head to look like a bobble head. This is one of those things that logically seems stupid but in my mind seems like a real concern. Questions - what happens when someone I haven't seen in years sees me and asks how I lost the weight? Will I tell them about my surgery, tell them I changed my diet and started exercising, heck change the subject? I wonder about that but guess this is one of those in the moment decisions based on who I'm talking to. Shopping - will I go overboard now that I can afford cheaper clothes? I am already the shop until I drop type...what happens when it takes me longer to drop? Will I go overboard and thus broke? I'm sure my hubby won't let that happen, but still I wonder if I'll be one of those people who trade an addiction to food in for an addiction to shopping. Socializing - I have a few friends who have struggled with their weight and thus we tend to have "active" social events. However, more of my friends live to eat and our events ALWAYS involve food. How will I handle these events as I'm working hard to lose the weight? Will I have to not attend or always show up early/late (way before/after the meal)? Pain/complications/death - let me be frank...I am a pure punk don't handle pain well. My c-section took forever to heal and even 3 years after I still had pain when attempting to work out. Thus, I stopped really working out on a regular basis. What if this surgery feels like that? Or worse, what if I have the same limited mobility for months after this surgery that I had after my c-section and can't work out like my doctor wants? Or even worse, what if I do this and it takes me from my husband and children? This especially concerns me because I don't have any health problems other than the extra weight. Going bald - (see big head above) I have very fine hair. The thought of my scalp showing is well "not hot" in my Tamar Braxton voice. I am of the mindset that hair grows back, but I would also like to keep my hair if possible. I go through great pains to make my hair look full and thick now, so with even less...well, that would be a real challenge. What if all this doesn't work/last - I'm sure everyone has thought this at some point. I worry that I may be the only person in history for which this doesn't accomplish my goal. I have about 200 lbs to lose and I worry that I just won't make it to goal. I understand the goal is to be healthier but right now I have no health problems other than the extra weight. What if my goal of getting to onederland just doesn't happen?I realize when I look at my list that I have read in the forums at least one topic on each (maybe not the big head fear) of these and it feels good not to be alone. In reading one post a Sleeve Veteran said (paraphrasing here) that it is normal to wonder and fear the unknown about this surgery. That makes me feel better about taking this seriously and also lets me know I am committed enough to not let the not-so-glamorous parts of this surgery deter me. It feels good to get these fears out in the open and to laugh at how silly some of these sound.

By reading my blog's title you no doubt know that I am a Type A personality. I've been this way for pretty much my entire life. The biggest hurdle for me in deciding to have WLS (for over 2 years now) is that I am the type of person who can usually do anything I set my mind to. I have always believed and found if one person could do something and I tried hard enough I could do it too. The problem is that there are truly some things for which I could use a little help. For me it is losing weight, keeping the weight off. For years I didn't want to believe that I needed help. Every Jan. 1st I thought, okay this year, I'll buckle down and just lose the weight. How hard could it be, people on TV, in magazines, etc. do this every day. I'll be one of them. I won't take the easy way out (WLS). So year after year, I not only didn't lose, I gained...and gained well. Did I mention I'm also a high achiever? If there were pounds to be gained, I gained them. It seemed like no matter what I did, the weight not only packed on, but packed on in abundance. I'd lose a bit and then gain more than I lost. Finally, I thought okay this is it. Obviously I need help so I'll go meet with a nutritionist. I did and let me tell you, I have never felt so confused/lost/helpless in all my life. Sure those pyramid charts look great but man, who in the world can construct a meal hitting every food group, with the right portions, and live any kind of life? I'd literally have to spend all day planning meals...who has that kind of time??? But I'm determined, I will do this, I need to do this I figured. So she and I came up with a menu. Well let me tell you about that menu...I ate that menu every day for 3 weeks. Why? I didn't want to eat anything wrong. So at my next apt she had me weigh in. Great, surely I would have lost something. Lord please let me have lost something. I stepped on the scale and sure enough I gained. Yup, with all that weighing and eating and buying ONLY what she told me to, I still gained weight. Talk about a bummer. Again, if there are pounds to be gained they would find me. I looked at her at that moment and said, I need more help. That moment was major for me. I'm not used to needing asking for help. That took both humility and courage for me to say that out loud. My Nut then looked at me and said surgery might be the answer for me. Then she looked at me and asked, so how was it? By this time I'm sad, frustrated, and ready to shake this little woman. How was what I asked her (not in my most pleasant voice that's for sure). She said how was it to weigh your food and restrict your diet. I told her at first it was a challenge (although I'd done it before during other countless diets) but had I lost weight I'd think it was worth it. I wasn't hungry this time like during the other diets. She then went on to explain that my body was in starvation mode. I wasn't eating enough (a big girl not eating enough...really????) and by finally eating the right foods in the right quantities, in the long run with surgery I could meet or even surpass my weight loss goals. Clever! She helped me see that WLS was not in any way the easy way out and that help was available if I would just get over myself seek it. I needed that. I had mixed feelings about surgery because again (my mind began telling me) I could do this if only I just buckled down...or so I thought. It took a while but now I'm at peace with my decision. There is still some disappointment in myself that I could not somehow just do something that would make the weight fall off. But I'm dealing with that. I also had to realize that it is okay to ask for help. That asking for help is not being weak, but rather being wise. This is going to be a challenge but I'm approaching this process with a feeling of relaxation and a one-day-at-a-time attitude as opposed to an I-have-to-control-this attitude. I understand I have to be in control of what I eat and how I exercise my body, but I don't have to feel like I need to control every minute of this process. That helps a lot and makes this much different than any of the other times I've tried to lose weight.