Chimera

Sounds like everyone is doing well Started my new job and I love it so far - even if it is a bit daunting with all of the new systems to learn - everyone is super friendly and it is wonderful to get to talk about books all day. I am glad that I get to be on my feet for many hours at a stretch again - I think not working during the summer - even though I have been getting more movement in than ever still makes it rough to keep that scale from creeping up if your diet isn't perfect. I saw a thing on T.V. with Oprah's trainer guy - Bob Greene and he mentioned that it sucks but if you are a woman your diet needs to be almost prefect if you are not going to exercise, and if you do exercise you need to do it most days of the week - whereas men can get by with less working out and eating can be worse because of the muscle mass - bah! Looking at my calendar I am down a little over 3.5 lbs from the same day last month - I will definitely take that! I would love to drop back down into the 170's by the end of the month - that's about 3.3 lbs - it isn't much by man my body is stubborn at giving up the weight these days. Hope you guys have fun with all of the dancing - sounds wonderful! And Sheryl I would not want a Mormom BF either - I think I have a bit too much heathen in my past lol. It's interesting many of our family situations - thinking about Cathy's post - my mom was pretty much a single parent in the 60's - other than the decade she stayed married to the raging alcoholic who tortured us. My own mom is pretty cold and distant - we have never had that warm and fuzzy mom daughter relationship and I know we most likely never will. I think most of the time I have felt like I was a burden and an annoyance to her - there were those times when I was younger, and a huge pain in the ass that she let me know that she wished I had never been born - I know this has to be incredible frustration venting from one who doesn't know how to handle it any other way. But its not something that ever is erased.The longer I live the easier it is for me to see the connection between the innate sense of unease and panic I have always had (when nowhere and nothing is safe) and using food for comfort - bury me under a blanket of bread and gravy haha.

It sounds like so many of us struggle with anxiety - I wanted to share something I have found helpful in my own life. This is a fantastic documentary about how significantly a meditation practice can help us. It might not be everyone's cup of tea, but Insight meditation has helped me tremendously. I also take medication http://www.dhammabrothers.com/ The film is one Netflix btw. And two great books: http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-20th-Anniversary/dp/0861719069/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1412006340&sr=8-11&keywords=insight+meditation http://www.amazon.com/Insight-Meditation-Step-By-Step-Course-Meditate/dp/1564559068/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=06F1A24E5WPSEGBEK41W And website: http://www.dhamma.org/

Morning Gang! Just returned from So Cal yesterday - we had a great time. I think I might have mentioned last week that we were attending a close friends wedding, and sneaking off to Disneyland for a day without telling the kids we were going (these kids are adults lol). I made fairly decent food choices - and have been really watching the baked goods/rice/pasta/candy types of carbs recently and it feels like it has made a huuuuge difference in how I feel mentally, emotionally. physically. Feels like my sleeve has gotten a serious reset as there were meals that I could only eat about 3 bites and I was done. Yay for renewed restriction! Starting the new job this week so I am going to see what days will be good for fasting after my first experience with that - maybe Wednesday - just working on awareness and keeping my energy up - on Thursday at Disney it was 90 degrees - and I was exhausted most of the afternoon - I was hydrating like crazy, but I also have to take Klonopin to ride in the car because of PTSD (from a horrific accident I was involved in in the late 80's that put me in the hospital and out of work for a year) - I am thinking this might have had an impact on my energy - and I have been slacking on vitamins, coming off of my period, etc. Got a good nights sleep and feel good today. I have yet to weigh in today - feeling a bit nervous because when I ride on airplanes I puff up like a puffer fish lol. Think I will drink oceans today and weigh in tomorrow morning. Florinda - I have read many books on disordered eating, Geneen Roth is one of the big authors, but honestly I don't feel as if I have ever gotten much from her stuff (my therapists were big on her work) - I actually like the work of Judith S. Beck Ph.D. - she wrote The Beck Diet Solution, has workbooks etc - don't worry about the word diet - its more about cognitive retraining of your brain. I also like the literature from Overeaters Anonymous - because I am addicted to certain foods and tend to abuse them - just like a bad alcoholic, I can go on a bender and not know when to stop. I have gone to a few meetings, but have yet to find my tribe with that group so to speak. I like the message they have - one day at a time - which is what this is for me for sure. Here are some pics from our trip - I have been feeling huge, I guess the photos seem to say otherwise - I have pretty bad dysmorphia - was the only woman at the wedding not wearing a dress - wore white capri pants because after trying on my shapewear I thought I was going to pass out - it was like being full body squeezed by a boa constrictor - and I wanted to be comfortable. I will just get looser flowy things until I can have the skin issues addressed - its like wearing a backpack of pizza dough backwards on my front lol. I actually saw a pic from someone else of my backside at the wedding and it wasn't too bad - which is crazy to me! Check out the pic of the woman in front of us on the Space Mountain ride - mind you this was at 8:30 a.m. so it must have been a bit shocking to her lol. The gentleman I am with is my hubby who also had sleeve surgery two weeks before myself - we've lost a similar amount of weight.

Excellent Quote - I am writing that one on the inside of my eyelids. Good news - I got the job at the bookshop I have my orientation tomorrow afternoon and then I am off to San Diego and Anaheim (woo Disney on Thursday) for a wedding - dreading the foods, but I know I will get many miles in at least on Thursday. I racked the highest number of miles my Fitbit has ever logged the last time I was at Disneyland last October (even more than the Superbowl parade - where we parked about 1000 miles away lol.) Florinda, I am right there with you on the shame thing with gaining. I have really had a tough time of it, first gains since the surgery - so it sounds like I have excellent company because I think people who don't gain seem to be the anomaly. Feeling terrified myself of that darned scale, but I got on it 5 minutes ago anyway. 182.8 and 39.3 body fat according to the Aria scale - ugh. The way its been going that 163 feels like the anomaly for me! 42.8 lbs to goal. At least I am still under 200 - there is that Defrosted some homemade chicken and vegetable soup - very satisfying and filling - so that will be dinner. I may have a premier protein shake in a few hours, or might save my bacon for a latte when hubby gets home. Gonna work on hydration, hydration, hydration! Good luck gals and have a great day!

I am so sorry you have a lack of support - the boards are a great place to get that much needed support. I am still working my way to goal - gee if this was easy one would think I would have gotten there smooth sailing in the first 6 months to a year. Even with this marvelous tool - you are still the one who gets to do the work, thats all it is. A valuable tool to assist in this difficult process. I too thought WL surgery was risky, and thought it was a very bad idea until my sister in law had a bypass and experienced stunning success, with no complications. I had bad co-morbidities going in to surgery - which as one gets older only get worse if you are obese. Every single one has been resolved within 6 months, well osteo-arthritis is not reversible, but its like I have a new set of knees. When my husband and I went to the informational seminar and our surgeon (he got a sleeve too) outlined the statistics of how much long term success is achieved and maintained through diet and exercise when you have 100+ lbs to lose...something around 2% (and who hasn't experienced this themselves in their own lose/regain cycle - I know I have) and the stats of success with better health post WL surgery I was convinced. WL surgery was hands down the best thing many of my own family members have ever done for themselves. Bar None. Best of luck and don't listen to the fretting of people who don't have experience with a procedure and lifestyle such as ours. There is a lot of friendship and wisdom here if one cant find it within our family/friends/co-workers

I still take my daily Omeprazole for acid - I had terrible acid prior to surgery and still have it - if I miss a dose I can feel the burn starting. I think I have read that some folks even revise their sleeve into a bypass or a DS to make it go away? Not sure about that one. Thank you for all the nice words - I realized that I saw that scale number and kinda freaked out and stopped weighing (last WI was 9/4/14) and not tracking, and certainly not addressing my slump back into old bad habits. Kinda slapped myself this week and got strict, back to basics - hydrate, hydrate, hydrate and track everything is paramount and usually results in happier results. Its only been 3 days but I feel a lot better and think the skin looks better as well. Trying to cage my afternoon snack monster by just drinking water to get through it and it is working. Have had under 1000 cals the last 3 days and the bloat is starting to subside. I used to bury my head in the sand and disassociate and just binge (thus ending up at 318 lbs.) waking up and realizing I am not failing is huge for me. So another day on the path right? Sheryl I looove your comments regarding therapy on the thread in the vets forum. my rump has spent years on the doctors couch talking it all out, being part of an eating disorders group with another therapist - and it was harrowing because 2/3 of the young ladies in the group were angry, angry anorexic and bulimic gals - they say that binge eating disorder (which is me) is similar to those ED's - not sure how - but it could be rough in that group because they just hated the folks who were heavy. Anyway - I too felt that it did not do me much good to know why I am the way I am - I need the tools the freaking fix it! On another note - I think I might be getting a job offer today if all goes well. I had a fantastic interview with a lovely manager this week and I am excited for this one, its at a bookshop....I will still get to help people, can talk about books all day and it is close to home so I wont spend so much on gas and parking - not that my little saucy Mini drinks much in the way of gas Wish me luck!

Hi guys! Sorry I have been MIA - this has been a challenging summer, I think it took two months to heal from the shock of what went down at my former teaching institution - still feel like I am healing, but feel much better. I am used to being unemployed during the summer - but since fall is here I am have applied for unemployment - something ballsy for an adjunct instructor to do - seeing as my department broke the collective bargaining agreement to force teacher into taking early retirement I figured I would apply for it. It is demoralizing applying for jobs - something I don't think I have had to do since I moved to NYC in the early 90's. No one calls back - even for gigs that are a perfect fit - its easy to get pretty bummed out, but I figure that keeping a positive outlook is a very precious resource so I have been really trying... With that said - being just over 2 years out I have tested the limits with how much utter crap I can eat since May and the scale is up by 15 lbs...Sleeved hubby has been doing the same thing - both so stressed about money, so he is up too. One very good thing is that I have been walking 3-5 times a week with one of my best girlfriends - walked 4 miles yesterday and got 6.5 miles today. I have started to limit the coffee to just a cup from the french press - and am drinking plain water - no artificial sweeteners. I had a good fast day yesterday, as well as today - if anything I am finding myself going overboard - not wanting to eat anything. My goal is to get my rump back on track and slay the carb monster - this is day two and Hi my name is Kelly and I am most definitely an addict I haven't been to the board much - honestly I thought I had broken my sleeve - have felt little to no restriction so I felt like I shouldn't even bother to post. So working on getting back - no more cookies or pastry like things - the funny thing is - I didn't even like food like this when I was really big - but I sure seem to now. Florinda hope it goes well with your artist pal - you should pm his name I might know him - the Seattle art scene is not huge. Thanks for saying you missed me Kim I should go join the challenge.

Hi guys, Just wanted to pop in and say hello! That is a great post on the other forum Sheryl - some great wisdom there - did I see that right she hasn't even had her surgery yet as well as having a very low starting weight/BMI. I am sure she must be very punishing to herself if she feels the need to ask about the 'high' bmi goals. Hell back in the day I could probably lose the entire amount she needs to lose by doing Atkins induction for two weeks lol. We all have very different experiences - I love what you said about the shame those of us who have been super morbidly obese go through - people who have never lived in our society have little idea of what a burden it can be on a daily basis - one of the biggest changes for me since losing enough weight to be in more of a overweight/lvl 1 obese category is that I actually make eye contact with people in stores, or on the street now. It was often painful to do so before - the look we all know so well. It feels good to be both visible, and yet relief at becoming more invisible in a way Happy belated birthday Florinda, so many good friends have had birthdays this weekend. I am sorry about your dumb bf - he doesn't deserve you. The fall has got to get better! All these health woes and man troubles - its mainly money troubles round these parts - have an interview this week for a new teaching gig that will hopefully turn out to be something great - I will keep you guys posted.

I too am so sorry to hear of such heavy losses that so many here are experiencing. Taking good care of ourselves is so important, Denise has wise words. I learn so much about self care from all of you, especially during times like these - so many times it feels like it is a skill I never learned how to do - at least authentically, for me. Medicating with food and hiding seemed to ease huge pain. /comfort to us all. I am very afraid for when my mom leaves this world - I know it will turn me inside out forever. Thanks for the kind words Kim - I think I am finally starting to recover from the madness of this last years work teaching.

Wow Wanda - yo go with those low carbs! Florinda, the job sounds soul crushing, I do not know how I would fare in such a situation - I think I am really deep into my menopause - period is all wacky, cant sleep, I am suuuuuper sensitive - please Lord don't let me get hot flashes - my mom never did so maybe I will luck out. Hang in there - nothing is forever right? And you have great things in motion My husband was so furious at the man in that Huff Po article - we were out for coffee this afternoon and he mentioned he just wants to beat him into a pulp lol. He is very sweet - I am very self-conscious of my melting skin issues - and he tells me how beautiful I am to him every day (and stalks me like some horny teenager lol) I guess I lucked out with him - I must have done something really great along the way to snag such a gem of a hubby.

This was on Facebook yesterday - thought I would repost on my blog here with the link. http://www.bariatricpal.com/blog/8441/entry-33365-my-naked-truth-by-robin-korth/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robin-korth/sex-over-50_b_5563576.html Naked, I stood at the closet doors with the lights on and made myself ready. I took a deep breath and positioned the mirrors so I could see all of me. I consciously worked to remove my self-believed inner image. I opened my eyes and looked very carefully at my body. And my heart lurched at the truth: I am not a young woman anymore. I am a woman well-lived. My body tells of all the years she has carried my spirit through life. I am a 59-year-old woman in great health and in good physical shape. I stand five-feet, nine-inches tall and weigh 135 pounds. I wear a size six in both jeans and panties, and my breasts are nowhere near my navel. In fact, they still struggle to make it full-up in a B-cup bra. My thighs are no longer velvet and my buttocks have dimples. My upper arms wobble a bit and my skin shows the marks of the sun. There is a softness around my waist that is no longer perfectly taut, and the pout of my abdomen attests to a c-section that took its bikini flatness -- but gave me a son. Why this brutal scrutiny of myself? It was time to counter the damage of my culture, my own soft-held fear and to pour warm love on my own soul. It was time to claim every mark and not-perfect inch of my own body -- a body that had been called "too wrinkled" by a man who was fetched by my energy and my mind, but did not like the bare truth of me. His name was Dave and he was 55 years old. We met on a dating site. Dave was interesting, gentlemanly and bright. He held my hand and toured with me on long bicycle rides. He drove many miles to come to my door. He made meals for us both and ruffled my dog's happy head. I was enticed and longed for the full knowing of this man. And so, we planned a weekend together. That's when things got confusing, unspoken and just-not-quite there. We went to bed in a couple's way -- unclothed and touching -- all parts near. Kisses were shared and sleep came in hugs. I attempted more intimacy throughout the weekend and was deterred each time. On Monday evening over the phone, I asked this man who had shared my bed for three nights running why we had not made love. "Your body is too wrinkly," he said without a pause. "I have spoiled myself over the years with young women. I just can't get excited with you. I love your energy and your laughter. I like your head and your heart. But, I just can't deal with your body." I was stunned. The hurt would come later. I asked him slowly and carefully if he found my body hard to look at. He said yes. "So, this means seeing me naked was troublesome to you?" I asked. He told me he had just looked away. And when the lights were out, he pretended my body was younger -- that I was younger. My breath came deep and full as I processed this information. My face blazed as I felt embarrassed and shamed by memories of my easy nakedness with him in days just passed. We talked for some time more, my head reeling at the content of the conversation. He spoke of special stockings and clothing that would "hide" my years. He blithely told me he loved "little black dresses" and strappy shoes. He said my hair was not long and flowing as he preferred, but that was okay because it was "cool looking." I felt like a Barbie Doll on acid as I listened to this man. He was totally oblivious to the viciousness of his words. He had turned me into an object to be dressed and positioned to provide satisfaction for his ideas of what female sexual perfection should be. He explained that now that I knew what was required, we could have a great time in the bedroom. I told him no. I would not hide from my own body. I would not wear outfits to make my body more "tolerable." I would not undress in the dark or shower with the bathroom door closed. I would not diminish myself for him -- or for anyone. My body is beautiful and it goes along with my mind and my heart. When I told Dave that I never wanted to see or hear from him again, he was confused and complained that I was making a big deal out of nothing. He whined that I had taken a small part of our relationship and made it a major event. I didn't even want to try to explain the hurt and the horror that he had inflicted upon me. I actually felt sickly sorry for this man as I hung up the phone. It was after this call that I went to the bedroom and gently stripped off my clothes. As I looked in the mirror -- clear-eyed and brave -- I claimed every inch of my body with love, honor and deep care. This body is me. She has held my soul and carried my heart for all of my days. Each wrinkle and imperfection is a badge of my living and of my giving of life. With tears in my eyes, I hugged myself close. I said thank you to God for the gift of my body and my life. And I said thank you to a sad man named Dave for reminding me of how precious it all is. Robin Korth enjoys interactions with her readers. Feel free to contact her at info@robininyourface.com or on Facebook. To learn about her new book, "Soul on the Run," go to: www.SoulOnTheRun.com You can also download her "Robin In Your Face" free daily motivational app by going to www.robininyourface.com/whats-new/

I'll add my mopey-pants to the roster - went camping with the family and I swear my husbands sibling's are a passive aggressive lot - I will spare you guys the details but we will be on a cruise next year so I will have 2 years to steel myself against more familial crappy behavior. Scale is being stubborn for me too - though it it down a bit - it has seesawed back and forth so much in an 8 lb range that I don't even bother with the ticker at all. Need to do the same thing - watch the carbs, and really hydrate which I have been lax on. I turned down the offer of the 2 year interim faculty position - what administration has done by forcing half of our tenured faculty into retirement with threats has left such a bitter taste in my mouth that I doubt I will ever teach in college again - its a heavy workload for the pay as well. I am so disillusioned with the politics of higher education, staggering debt that the students have to bear, and the art world, that I am taking a time out from it all. Looking for jobby jobs with no connection to arts and academia. Just want a bit of peace and not feel like I am working for and with a bunch of crooks. Hope everyone is well - bit of a blah July here.

Sheryl, I think both styles look great but the boot cuts look too big for you in that pic.

"I am 18 days post op. I lost 16 pounds in the first week. Sine then I have not lost anything. The scale has not moved in 2 weeks. I am at a loss. The only thing I can think is my metabolism has shut down bc I'm not ingesting enough calories. I am getting my Protein requirements and Fluid requirements. Has anyone else experienced this? " Give it some time - you just had one heck of a procedure done - I gained 20+ lbs after my own surgery (I had complications and was in for a week with multiple blood transfusions). It is a myth that one's metabolism shuts down if you don't eat - the only time something like that phenomenon would occur is if you have no adipose tissue to burn, and the body truly goes into protective mode. Just follow your doctor's post op protocol and you will lose - small changes over time add up to huge numbers. I think my average loss was around 4-5 lbs a month in the first year. The nice thing is that the weight stays off if you follow protocol. 10 lbs a month is phenomenal. It takes at least 8 weeks to heal. In my experience - slow losses are due to lack of hydration, letting calories in the form of sugars creep back in to your diet (they are insidious and go down very easy after the first year), and drinking calories. One the the biggest reasons for the success of WL surgery is the metabolic changes that are set in motion - which also start with nutrition - i.e. removing processed carbs and sugar that generates insulin resistance.

Sheryl I would loooove to meet you - I was walking with my husband on Alki and we walked past Duke's just the other day and I thought to myself why are we not coming down here for happy hour I am very available for social events in the next weeks - except tomorrow night, Father's Day and next Saturday - lets go to Duke's! Next time I can come over to the Eastside I think those swimsuit options are super cute! I like the first one - the scuba in blue. I don't think I have worn a two piece bathing suit since I was a kid - there is a lot of madness going on below the neck and above the ankles for me haha! You will have to send us snapshots once you decide - cant wait to see how fabulous you will look! My hubby is terrible with the bad food and he knows better because he has his own sleeve! He is also 6 years younger (I robbed that cradle) and can run on the treadmill at a sprint for an hour the rat - I look at the number of calories he burns, sometimes over 1k and my measly 350 at an hour with my little legs pumping at a fast walk and occasional sprints and sigh. I am still building up to running, but with osteo-arthritis in my knees I am nervous to have a flare up - which is agony, and will literally knock me off my feet for weeks. I'll be 50 in October - I am beginning to ask myself if it is a necessary part of my life that I have to actually run. Well if zombies arrived - heck yeah i will run, run, run - but I think I may be influenced by The Biggest Loser - they all seem to have to get on a treadmill and run until they think they are going to die lol. I can walk really, really fast lol. Our support group meeting topic this month is post surgical behaviors with a psychologist - looking forward to that one. Even with fasting days I cant seem to get the scale to budge these days - I may have to drop the calories down a whole lot and up the hydration even more. The bariatric doc says I have definitely stabilized and am fine where I am - but I want that elusive goal weight darn it! I start to get hard on myself because I think if I had only last another 35-40 lbs prior to surgery then I would be at goal - as folks over 300 with a goal of 140 or lower who hit goal seem to be rarer, at least what I look at on the boards. I guess it forces you to work out those issues with food eh - at least I have not gained the weight back - its a miracle

Best of luck to you! I think I lost about 14 lbs in the two weeks prior to my sleeve surgery - my surgeon has his patients do Atkins induction to shrink the liver and I guess it worked like a charm, they said my liver was a tiny little thing on surgery day. Do your best with the hunger - drink oceans of liquid. Powerade zero, crystal lite, water with lemon - it is the secret - that and drastically eliminating carbs (which make you hungry). If you can cross over into ketogenic state you are no longer hungry and this is where you start changing your body chemistry to turn into a fat burning machine

Sheryl, I am sorry you are going through it - your awareness and insight is very healthy though, and sometimes we just don't feel exuberant even when things are generally okay. I don't think we are meant to. I panic when I start to feel myself sliding towards sadness or any significant "poor me" feelings that can really derail the good things in my life - those days I feel like I could be on an episode of Intervention (if the episode was about destructive behaviors with food, shutting oneself off from others, and deep depression). Thank goodness I am not a hoarder lol - at least I am more of a minimalist , I am grateful that my madness does not manifest itself in that manner. Have had about 500 calories today and had a good workout this morning with a feverish hour on the treadmill and upped my upper body weights - felt great especially considering the carb train had pulled in to the station this weekend with my in-laws visiting from California. I have a few events coming up over the next two weeks with folks I haven't seen in a long time - in two weeks a birthday party for an old friend with some folks attending I know I haven't seen in 20 years - many who have never seen me as anything but super morbidly obese, should be a good time. Its very exciting to hear that you are going to get plastics Sarah! You look fantastic in your photos - I can only imagine how much better you will be after your surgery. Sheryl looks amazing. Someday I hope to have PS as well - I need to get the weight down a bit more I think though - still have stubborn fat lurking in my flappy stomach pouch and on my thighs...I look at the folks on Extreme Weight Loss with Chris Powell and I look similar to the folks who get sent back to lose another 10-15% heh.

So beautiful Florinda thanks for sharing your wonderful pics. You look great together! Knuckling down on carbs - have done well today, not so great with fast days - have been trying to stop eating earlier and start eating later ala daily intermittent fasting...I need to get into a new groove since my schedule is now so different. The vanity sizing thing is kooky to me too - I wore 12/14's in the 80's and I weighed 130 lbs and thought I was as big as a house...meanwhile I am wearing a pair of size 8 jeans right now (5'3 and 165ish atm) - mind you that 1-2% of stretchy makes a big difference, back in the day there was no stretchy lol. I just keep a list of my measurements in my wallet so I can check size charts - sometimes it feels like a pain, but it feels more like an adventure - as opposed to just hoping there would be something decent in the biggest size Lane Bryant, Catherines, or Lands End would carry. So frumpy - I still am frumpy....gonna keep working on that one

Hi ladies! Lordy - just got back from a few days at the coast with friends who were up from San Diego and it is kooky how off track my hubby and I can get when we are out of our home element. Going to an unfamiliar grocery store seemed to completely discombobulate the both of us. We both nibbled our way through more calories than we should have - I certainly had more carbs and processed food than I am used to and whoa what it does on the scale - poof up 7 lbs in one day from puffy bloat, salt and not enough fluids. M2 I have had my Fitbit flex since last October and I love mine - still need to work on getting all of my daily steps in though. 10k a day every day is a goal. I have been recovering from the BS from end of semester stuff - I basically walked away from my teaching job two weeks ago ( I turned down the offer to compete for my old job after the new administration brought the hammer down and dismantled the art department at our college - the music dept is next.) Basically half of all of the core faculty contracts were bought out - meaning teachers were threatened to either take a severance package (which was 75% of their salary) or possibly have nothing - they basically worked the collective bargaining agreement to eliminate professors who made the most money - which at our college is not that much. My ethics told me not to keep subjecting myself to a new corporatized situation that cares nothing for anything but money. I had started taking my anti-anxiety medicine (usually reserved only for long car trips) just to go into work, and crying every day. Its scary but I no longer feel sick to my stomach every day. Anywho - enough of that. I have been reading a new book on clean eating after reading about a program of eating called Whole30 - which I had no heard of. Its basically 30 days of hard reset - no wheat, sugar, dairy, alcohol, artificial sweeteners, etc - and is focused not so much on WL but rather elimination of inflammation, breaking the carb addiction, etc...All pretty common stuff in the food literature that we read. The dairy part would be really rough for me - I like a bit of 2% milk, and my favorite sweet is light and fit Greek yogurt - hi dairy and artificial sweet lol. If you slip up you have to start the 30 days over again lol. I am frankly dreading the fall (my most difficult part of the year for food and activity) and want to whip things into shape this summer to be better prepared. I just need to knuckle down! I too like our little group the way it is - I trust you guys and that is a big deal to me - I don't trust very many people

Interesting observations Sheryl - thanks for sharing them. If I am ever at goal or drop below it (wow what a concept lol) I think I would be so incredulous that just getting there will take ages to sink in. Still working on it and will be forever. Speaking of sleeve sizes, my doc tends to use the larger bougie sizes - as the complications are much less in his experience. I know mine is a 40 - which is large compared to lots of folks on the boards. In reality if you have ever looked at the photos that compare the sizes next to one another - it doesn't seem like that much of a difference. My weight has settled right where my provider predicted it would - for me to get to goal I need to kick it in gear. My larger sleeve is not the culprit - creeping carbs, over the top work stress, lack of hydration and exercise are I meet with my provider tomorrow for my two year follow up - looked at my bloodwork online and it looks good - ferritin and iron look a bit low - so we will see what he says. I was in the hospital a week after surgery with internal bleeding, and ended up with multiple blood transfusions because my red blood cells (HCT - hematocrit) basically dropped to almost nothing. Maybe I will need to eat more steak haha

Thats awesome that you have a new Banksy in your neighborhood Cathy This is a personal favorite - http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Banksy-Street-Artist-Buried-Treasure-on-Sand-Print-Canvas-A4-A3-A2-A1-/290690332992

Isnt it funny how insight can strike when you least expect it - I was cleaning the cat boxes and realizations, or words I guess started to flood. I wont go into gory detail - but I had a horrific childhood, filled with terrifying violence and sexual abuse from my alcoholic step-dad (he died from cirrhosis long ago.) I have done a lot of time on the couch, and on meds and am good. I usually keep it to myself, but it is also not a secret with those closest to me. I guess I feel like I am starting to wake up - 50 this year. Feels like I am just opening my eyes - I too must be getting into some of the serious stuff. This just poured out in the last 30 minutes - I apologize if this feels triggering to anyone. "Always living with a vague expectation that enlightenment and a healing of the old, old wounds would strike one day like a bolt of lightening - or maybe gently like awaking from some bad dream. The longer I am alive I am coming to understand that this probably isn't going to happen. That everyday we fight, some days we gain ground - some days we lose it - a little on some days, some days a lot. It is little victories over time - each adding up. All the years of therapy, self-help, support groups...its one moment at a time - over time. Years of hiding in pain, burying yourself under blankets, under hundreds of lbs of unburned calories, behind the walls and doors of your home - seeking solace in your surroundings- being made fun of for being different by the people you trust the most. again, and again, and again. Just be numb Just don't look maybe then it wont be true what is real and what happened will cease to be so Learning to not turn away - not to hide is hard work. Bravery is not for sissies. What is courage? Why so much fear of what happened lifetimes ago? What you put up with from others How poorly you treated yourself for so long. This is like learning to see to speak to walk to feel for the first time maybe. Is that old me true? Is that still me? What am I? Who am I? I looked at a snapshot of the August 2009 Goddard residency and I can finally see how malignant my despair and mistreatment of myself is - in my weight - the symptom that becomes the focus and the problem. A heavy horse collar of shame - its like being imprisoned in the stocks - immobile, every step pain, every glance from others cruel - like being flayed alive every moment of every day. Maybe if I am lucky this fire of shame will burn me right to ash. Deep, deep sadness and hopelessness Try so hard to change - and it never seems to stick - I cant win. I could never win. I am doing the same thing to myself now with my belief in my abilities as a teacher and an artist - hardly a day passes that I am not wracked with fear, doubt, and the battle against my own weaknesses. Here you are again, more exposed even now. No matter how hard you wish you had that magic lamp that would take away the anxiety, the panic, the terror you feel everyday at just breathing - there is no such thing. It is part of you it IS you Where is my strength? Do I even have any? The only respite will come from within yourself - for yourself. How the f**k do I fix the broken stuff I weep now at even being able to access these feelings. Fraught Frightening Breathe Dig the knives out of the back and stand up straight. Look it right in the f**king eye step forward step up Let go"

Denise thank you, and thank Bill for the sweet note regarding the CPAP Florinda I hope you are hanging in there - that goes for everyone else as well.

I can totally understand how you feel Sheryl - and agree with Georgia that through this process we have significantly changed our lives and health for the better! My health was going downhill fast - I smoked 2 packs of cigs a day for 28+ years and quit for good at the start of this journey. I'll take this opportunity to blab about myself a bit lol. While my hubby sailed through his sleeve surgery with no complications - and was out running while mowing the lawn 4 days post surgery - I had some pretty sever complications that required multiple blood transfusions and a week in the hospital - only to arrive home and have to go back to the ER because an incision site opened up and I guess I had what seemed like gallons of blood in a 'void' in my abdominal area - whatever the heck that means. Two weeks after surgery my left knee completely blew out - it was agony. I have had lateral ligament reconstruction on the right side to rebuild a destroyed ankle and my ortho thinks that decades of super morbid obesity and shifting weight to favor one side basically ate up the left side too - The MRI showed bone on bone. Years of 300+ on 5' 3 " of person is pretty rough for my poor old body to handle. I can totally commiserate with orthopedic/arthritis issues - it very bothersome. I get crabby that I still am not at goal - but I will get there darn it! My measurements are good - cept that my stupid extra skin accounts for 6-7 inches more in the waist area on most clothing size charts - Ah well - perhaps someday I too will get this little floppy flat tire removed - until then I am great with the skinny jeans - slouchy top - a look I enjoy and is also comfortable. I still cant really see myself - but its getting better. Feeling prettier, taking much more effort with my appearance, learning to treat myself better. I am just so relieved to feel good, to not wake up in pain, to be able to walk down the street without sweating and breathing hard, to look people in the eye on the street and not be afraid of the judgment. I guess this process will always be unfolding - and I think we all are in a very unique position. No I will never have the body or youth of a model, and that is okay. I have really messed up my body in so many ways that cannot be undone. Considering where I was 2 years ago, and where I am today - and my hubby as well - we are literally, completely different people. We are unrecognizable to people who knew us well - and so are you guys If we didn't change ASAP - we would both find an early grave I am sorry you are feeling down. Though it brings to mind one of my favorite quotes. "If I could but step outside myself and contemplate the person that I truly am, I would at once know what envy is." Hang in there, things will feel better soon.