11/25/07

I beginning to actually believe this is the beginning of the rest/best part of my life. My weight issues have been with me for as long as I can remember. Looking back over the last thirty years, I have always thought I was fat when actually I was a normal kid who was a little on the hefty side (5' 5" @ 110 - 115lbs. in jr high....I know isn't that freakin crazy) but then I had a sister who was always less than 100 lbs who made me look like a giant. So, my yo-yo dieting began at all costs. I would lose 20 on diet pills (back then they were called black beautifies) and gain 30; lose 30 and gain 40 lbs. It seemed like I could never gain control of the vicious cycle of eating, self loathing, dieting/exercising with equal amounts of joy and excitement with the short lived weight loss. As late as 2001, I lost 30 lbs on a no/low carb plan only to gain 50 lbs. when I didn't think anyone else was looking. Where were they looking - I was self destructing in their faces. I could see the disgust and dissapointment in my family eyes when I would walked into a room. I had a high school friend (who has always been thin) come up to me on the street and asked "what happend? how did you gain all that weight?" AND THAT WAS BEFORE I GAINED THE LAST 50 LBS!!!! So, when I researched my options, the lap band was the only logical. I know that with the support groups and online support, I'll work through all the other issues tha have plagued me along with the weight. It's not always just about eating. I belive it also means that I will begin to believe that I'm worth being healthy and putting myself first for a change.