The journey begins......

I am so nervous about the decision to have the lap band placed. I know that it is the right thing to do and that I'll feel so much better than I do now but I am so scared about having surgery. I wish I could conquer the fear of going under anesthesia but I have never done it before and I am so afraid that I won't wake up and see my babies! Sometimes I think that being a nurse was definately the wrong decision for me. I know too much and I have seen the "surgeries gone bad" On the flip side of that, I have also seen 30-some year olds have heart attacks and strokes. I also know that I don't want to be unhealthy for myself anymore and for my babies I want to be a good role model for Anna so that she doesn't end up like I am! Where did the 244 pounds come from?? 2 weeks ago I weighed 234 pounds...I'm sooo pissed that I can't be "normal" for even that amount of time. If I do not watch every second of eating....I gain weight at such a rapid pace. I want this to end. I want my body to tell me, loud and clear, HELLO.....STOP EATING!! I want to be able to pull on "anything" and run to the store in confidence that if I run into someone I won't be embarrassed. I want to wear a pair of jeans without them digging into my stomach. I want to wear a bra that doesn't leave huge indentation marks into my stomach and my arms. I want my stomach to stop flopping out over my underwear.:confused: I want to run. I want to not think about food. I want to live a day without worrying about my health, having a heart attack, a stroke, an emboli, etc. It is getting so old! I know that I am going to have to change everything about my lifestyle but I am so willing to do that now and I want my outside to match my inside. 6 more days until my consultation. I hope all goes well and that this process is started and that I can keep my nerves undercontrol......Guess I'll have to wait and see. I can do this....I know I can :pray::pray::pray::pray: