Anxious

I'm about an hour and a half away from my next appointment with my surgeon. As far as I know, all of the hoops have been jumped & cleared & we will set a surgery date today. I've met with the dietitian. I've had my chest xray, EKG & swallow test completed. I've been to two sessions with a psychologist. I've been cleared on all of those. My blood work was done last week, so we should be going over those numbers at my appointment today. I don't foresee anything there holding me back. My only worry this far has been my BMI. I know I've lost a few pounds this month, but am hoping I haven't fallen below the 50 threshold. If I have, I may still be waiting for a few months due to my insurance's 6 month supervised requirement. That requirement is waived for patients with a BMI over 50. I'm right on that line, so it's been a little LOT stressful.

I've faltered this month because of that stress. As much as I swore that I didn't want to sabotage myself into not losing any weight, I let myself eat some things I shouldn't have. I haven't been keeping my food logs like I should have and I have been lax about getting in my steps/exercise. I've tried to keep these things under control, but it's been quite a struggle. I know I have lost a little weight and am very thankful, but I'm positive that had I not been stressing over this insurance situation, it would have been an even greater loss. I suppose I should just be thankful that I didn't let those demons consume me so much as to make me gain this month.

I don't know why I'm stressing so much on this - maybe it's just my nerves creeping in as I get closer to surgery. My head knows that I'll be fine and I'm going to know my date within the next two hours. Am I setting myself up for the worst case scenario so I'm not disappointed so much when it doesn't happen? Rambling again...

On another note - I have a feeling I'm going to have a hard time with clothes very soon. I'm already throwing out some of my panties - they feel like an extra yard of fabric is flopping around under my butt! None of my jeans fit anymore. I'm constantly pulling them up. Heaven forbid I have to carry a lot of stuff upstairs. With my arms full & no extra hands, my pants have been known to shimmy down by the time I reach the second floor! I've been over 300lbs for most of my adult life, so I don't have a stash of clothes to go backwards into like some people may. I'm not complaining - it's an awesome problem to have, it's just going to start getting expensive here very soon. But I'm still in such a large size (guessing I'll need 24 or 26) that it's hard to find in the thrift/goodwill stores. I don't want to spend a lot of cash on new clothes that I'm going to be falling out of in a few months either. I'm broke enough as it is. LOL.

Well it's about that time that I head out for my appointment. Wish me luck guys...maybe my nerves will be calmed in a little while!