In The Beginning...

I am tired. Physically, mentally...you name it. It's all tired. I know what I have the opportunity to do here. I just can't find the jumping off point, the selfish self-caring button inside me to get motivated to care for myself.

I have been blessed with a job that has an insurance company that will most likely pay the majority of the bill for a surgery that I can use as a tool to help shed this other layer of body that is encasing what I should be. I live where one of the best centers and doctors for this surgery happens to be.

There are many things to consider. The mere fact of another abdominal surgery is a tremendous one. 3 c-sections and a gallbladder removed has already left enough trauma to that area.

Having a permanent device implanted is causing a bit of a phobic reaction.

Normal fears of surgery, allergies to meds I have experienced, etc. have all surfaced.

The fact that I have a painful disability in my heels that cause me to have limited exercise ability. Also a torn miniscus in my knee that needs surgery, ironically caused from the physical therapy to my heels.

My addiction to carbs and sugars is causing me to consider whether I can make this worth it. It is so serious that I have considered going to a physician for some kind of anti-compulsion meds to see if this will curb the cravings. It may be my lack of energy because of sleep apnea that leads me to sugar and caffeine. I seldom want protiens, maybe this is why the vegetarian lifestyle is so easy for me. There are plenty of healthy vegetable protiens but I only seem to want carbs, even after a detox or a fast.

So much to consider. It is so obvious to others that I need to do this. Even my dad, who is anti-everything, is supportive of it.

I have at least a month to make the decision. If I cannot get my sugar problems under control I don't see how this will work.

I understand the addicition to carbs and sugar. The best way that I can explain it is "instant gratification". When you feel tired consuming carbs/sugar gives you a relatively instant rush or boost. Unfortunately, it doesn't last long and just leaves you needing/wanting more to keep the energy level up. Protein intake is less instant but far more energy is produced over a long period. Once you up your protein intake the craving for carbs/sugar will decrease. These cravings are not all psychological - some are really physical.

I had the surgery on 12/20 and one of my greatest fears was being hungry. I'm not - well, at least not as much as I thought. I have lost 23 pounds since 12/13 (pre-op diet start). This is hard but more manageable than I imagined.

Only you can make the best decision for you. Good luck.