Shopping.... Ugh.

So, I am fully aware that those of us "pre-band" always dread shopping- but sometimes, SOMETIMES I actually enjoy it... Of course, that isn't the case since I gained the last 30-40 pounds... but I can still sometimes enjoy it.

Last night was our work's christmas party, well kind of. First off, there are only 7 of us (including the doctor we work for) in the office- so not really a party lol. One of the other nurses I work with decided to have us over to her place for the "party" the same night her husband was having his party for work- he works for gulfstream. So I figured it might be a nice way to get out of the house since I rarely do, and maybe meet some interesting people... well, with my recent weight gain- barely anything fits! UGH! So, I decided to go shopping... Figured I could just get a new sweater or something... So, I went to Ross (hoping for something cute, and cheap- no luck) then to Catherine's (again, no luck), then to the Avenue (was able to get a sweater and a knitted "shell" type thing- but still wasnt "happy"), went to Torrid (which, aside from their prices, I normally love...) Long and short of it all- I am disgusted that I had to buy the biggest size I've ever been in, and yet STILL didnt feel at least "pretty"-- I know hoping to feel sexy or anything wasnt in the rhelm of reality- but to still not even feel pretty? What a shame.. I'm so sick of it.

Trying to change things now before I have the surgery (if I ever have it!!! Still battling the nasty gross habbit of smoking... which I have to be nicotien free for at least 2 months before the surgery- so that means no patches or gum or anything if it has nicotien!) Trying to eat better and all that- but yet, at the same time- I find myself eatting things that I know I shouldnt and then using the excuse "well, I wont be able to eat this after my surgery"-- REALLY?! C'mon now Ryan.... You (I) know that this surgery isnt going to all of a sudden change my eating habbits for me- SURE, there will be things that my band won't allow me to eat or whatever... but at the same time- there will still be things that it will still allow me to eat that I know I shouldnt... I know I CAN do this- and WILL do this... just trying to fight myself and my own inner psychie that thinks that I need these things (like donuts for breakfast, or smoking!)

Dear Lord- please help give me the stregnth that I need today to help me make a better tomorrow! Amen.