beyond stressed

I’m just trying to not think about the bills that are coming due in 3 days. The more I think about them the more stressed out that I become. I just want to bury my head in the covers and not come out until the economy is back on its feet and we are no longer barely making ends meat. I am stressed out beyond belief and I am trying my hardest not to take it out on anyone. I worked out a few weeks ago and thought I was doing good but when I got back on the scale I gained 4 of the pounds I lost back and I didn’t think that it was going to discourage me but apparently I was wrong. Last week I didn’t work out once because I just didn’t feel like it. I know that muscle weighs more than fat but telling a fat person that and telling them not to be upset about it is like telling a cat not to meow anymore. With everything going on right now I really don’t want to work out today but I am going to force myself to go workout and hopefully it will relieve a little stress. Hopefully. I just don’t understand sometimes why things happen the way they do. So i am still at 241. so much for making my goal for the 4th.

Tony and I have been together going on 5 years and I love him so much but things have been tough those 5 years. I know that it has been tough for everyone else to and that there are those worse off. Trust me I know that. I talk to them everyone at work. We just need help and there’s no one there to help. I don’t want to lose everything we have but I don’t know if we will be able to keep it. I’m trying my damndest to give Dareon the life I never had and everything seems to be against us. The whole thing with my brother made me realize how crazy things can get and if you keep frustrations in they will eventually blow up in your face. I was so scared that I was going to lose him. I just thank god that he had a good friend who got him to the hospital just in time. I love that kid and I know he’s going through a lot of stress. I also thank god that he has Kaci. She is so good for him.

I just wish I could find a second job, one I can do from home and bring in extra money. But most everything you find is a scam or they want your money so you could start working for them. Tony and his brother and dad started a tree service and they are beginning to advertise so I hope the few side jobs here and there will turn into something more. I just need something I can do when I’m not working also. You read about all these opportunities online and most of the time they are never legit. I really want to do this vacation but I’m not sure if we will be able to. We really need this.

Enough of my complaining I just need to get away from it all. But then again it will be there when I get back. Catch 22 I guess.

I miss my friend so much. I just want to go hang out with her, watch beaches, eat pizza rolls and lay by the pool listening to girl power mixes we just made. Those were the days I tell ya when the only worries we had was what time we were going to get up.