Downfall

I have no idea what is going on with me this weekend. Seriously I have for the first time in a long time, knowingly sabatogued myself and I feel as if I need to figure out why if I want to stop it, and I do. I think that it would be nieve of me to think that this is just me craving stuff, like it's a chemical thing going on in my body, no I don't know what or why but I think it's psychological. Why am I backing off of my success? I am so proud of myself, I love the way i'm looking and the success that I am having. Initially I know that it started with, "it's Friday I get to eat what I want" but typically it doesn't go all weekend.

Saturday I had a blast, spent the day with mom, went out Saturday. Went merangue/salsa dancing. I LOVED it. I discovered though that my social skills aren't the best in that situation. I need to work on that, so I guess I need to get out and practice a bit more. For whatever reason I have an inherant feeling as if i'm fooling everyone and secretly i'm not good enough to deserve certain things in life. Almost as if people don't really know what they are getting into with me. The more I think about it though the more I think that it's my way of blocking myself against rejection. Push myself away, make myself unavailable so I don't have to go through the discomfort of getting to know someone else, and not giving them a chance to ditch me. Geeze I suck, I know that if that is the case I will miss out on alot of good things and that is not something that I want. I want to be able to be myself with people without worrying what they think, like somehow I will get down a few knotches on their friend ladder. How ignorant is that?

I also want someone to love me no matter what. I want that now...before and even sometimes now i'm really not sure. I don't know if it is worth it, don't know if loving someone is worth the aches and pains that I know it will bring. I don't know if it is worth dealing with their behaviors that drive you nuts. Living alone is great, I do what I want how I want. I don't have to worry about someone else. So I have two sides war-ing. I don't know which one will win out. I have never known what a productive relationship is like, never saw it growing up. Relationship=bad, mess up your life, yet I know that it must be amazing to have someone love you, no matter what, the good and the bad. I know that one day (in the distant future) I want a family, want to do the family thing, but I don't know how to get there. Basically i'm really jacked up. But I will not sabatogue my success, my weighloss is for me. I am doing this for me not for other people to like me better.