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Non scale victory

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Forgiving myself!

Anyone thats ever had a traumatic event in their life can relate to what I'm about to say. I spent a lot of time in the counselors office talking about forgiveness. Forgiving your abuser and those who supported the abuse, either by denial or by complacency is more about healing you than giving that other person anything.   I never once in this whole process ever thought about forgiving myself. I was watching a recent episode of Heavy and one of the counseling sessions was about forgiving yourself. There is so much guilt associated in childhood trauma, at least there was for me. I can honestly say that I have forgiven those involved, but I have never forgiven myself.   Part of this journey for me is to work through the reasons I turn to food for comfort. Part of my realization is that I have not forgiven myself; I did not allow myself to break free from my abuse because of the guilt. I feel responsible for what happened, because I didn't speak up, I didn't tell anyone, I didn't make it stop. Why didn't I? Logic sets in and tells me it was because I was only 2,3,4,5,6,7 years old but my memories are processed through my mind, an adult's mind. I am mature enough to know it is wrong..now! But then? I remember saying " this is wrong" and him saying " why?" and I couldn't answer him because I didn't know.   How could I not have known?   These are the things I am working through...it's not a sob story, so don't feel bad for me. It's just my reality, one that I've lived with my whole life. I'm working through it now. I have no choice because I can't consume large amounts of food anymore to avoid working through them ( thank god!)   I'm just telling myself every day that I have the right to what everyone else has and that....   It was not my fault! It was not my fault! It was not my fault!
MiniMi

MiniMi

4
 

Back To The Gym- 10K Training.

Headed to the gym today for the first time in a long time. I had my hubby in tow for motivation. I am doing Jeff Galloway's training plan walk/run for a virtual 10k I'm planning in December.   I was really proud of myself because I did so well. I can't wait to go back again.   I was doing really well with my weight loss last year when I took up running. I then hurt myself on a trail run, herniated disc in my lower back and then I gained my weight back. Not all of it mind you but enough to be disgusting! I'm feeling better and hope with continued weight loss I won't have to worry about my back again!
MiniMi

MiniMi

2
 

My Mother-In-Law

My mother-in-law passed away yesterday morning on my birthday. She was 73 years old. Her and her husband live in Italy and are both deaf.   We got a call at 3 am on Thursday October 4th to tell us that my husband (only child) needed to rush home because his mom was sick and in the hospital and not expected to make it. This was the day before I was scheduled for surgery. He was on a plane that afternoon. I decided to brave out the surgery alone and I am glad that I did. (no one else knew of the surgery except my 17 year old and my 11 year old boys)   What followed that day was almost 3 longs weeks of ups and downs until she finally couldn't fight any longer. She had literally never been sick a day in her life. She picked up the strep virus (streptococcus) and it turned into STSS and it literally attacked all of her organs until there was nothing left.   My mother-in-law was the absolute best grandmother in the world. Her eyes lit up like the sun when she saw her grandchildren. She would look at them with adoring eyes and hug on them and kiss them. They adored her too. I am just happy that the week before she got sick my 17 year old son was over in Italy visiting them. Her last days on this earth were spent doing what she loved best, being a grandmother.   I am happy that I had this surgery as it is my first emotional challenge to face without food. So far I am doing great! I just can't wait for my husband to get home so that I can give him a big hug!
MiniMi

MiniMi

4
 

Non-Scale Victory

I am 16 days post op today. I have a non-scale victory to report. About eight months ago I took off the diamond ring my husband bought me for anniversary last year because it was cutting off my circulation. Once I took it off I couldn't get it back on. I was able to slip it on last night and there it stays!   I have totally embrace this journey from day one of my preop diet and I don't hope that I will be successful I know that I will be successful.   I'm down 22.6 pounds.
MiniMi

MiniMi

5
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