Please help me and my husband out, we're in a quandary and don't know how to proceed. Here's the situation:

My younger daughter Catie is extremely tall for her age and precocious in most other ways. She just turned 4 in May and is often mistaken for being her sister's twin (who is 7, in 2nd grade, and tall for HER age). Catie isn't scheduled to start kindergarten until fall of 2006. But she's going to be so physically out of synch with her classmates, and she's already learning to read, so we're considering trying to have her admitted into first grade next year.

Being out of step with one's classmates can be challenging for any child. I know, because I was taller and larger than my classmates all during my school years, even though I was young for my grade. I never felt like a full-fledged member of my peer group, and quite frankly it was torture a lot of the time. I can think of a lot of things I might have done differently if I hadn't been dealing with feelings of isolation during my formative years.

Which leads me to my question: which is preferable, to be larger and the same age as one's peers? Or to be younger and closer to the same size? If Catie starts 1st grade next year, she'll be waiting behind while her friends are bar or bas mitzvahed, have sweet sixteens, learn to drive, date, and all the other milestones of adolescence. (But if her physical development continues as it's been going, she'll probably hit puberty long before her peers do. And that could be way worse.)

Stories from your pasts are welcome. We're really trying to see into a crystal ball here, and it's hard!

Gee Alexandra, Reading at 4, that’s great! I think back at Roxanne when she was 4 and she was fairly advanced academically. Now she’s in 3rd grade and struggling. We have so much homework, often Bill and I discuss that we never had this kind or this much when we were kids. Roxanne’s the youngest and the tallest in her class.

Now my son, he’s 4 and just getting his lettering down. That’s another story.

Have her tested for placement.

Good luck in your decision

Wow, tough call, but I would put aside the physical thing and brains....and answer one simple question....is she SOCIALLY ready for 1st grade?

I was reading at age 4 so I was sent to a private school since the public school wouldn't accept me at 4.

I was tiny, not big. The first day of 8th grade was a new school... the teahers wouldn't let me in the assigned class because they *knew* I was only a sixth grader. I had to spend my first day of 8th grade in the 6th grade, and I was one of the smaller kids in that class too.

I got kicked out of the girl club in 5th grade or so when I perhaps unwisely pointed out that Donny Osmond was never going to pick any of the 5th grade girls at my school because we were IN THE FIFTH GRADE at some obscure private school in a small town.

I say that if she is academically ready then do it. It is far worse to be in a class bored to tears than to be the biggest or smallest in size. Bored people are not actively particpating, they are not learning. They already grasp the concepts and want more.

I never felt in synch with my classmates, but I have never been in synch with my peers. (see my thread on how I feel like a total freak).

I agree that the social/emotional aspects of her development are just as important as the physical. My daughter is in the 1st grade and JUST turned 6, so she is very young in her class, but keeps up academically. It's her self-control, attention-span, and lack of maturity as compared to her peers that has been an issue both in K and 1st. Once she got going, though, she adjusted and kept up fine so I'm expecting the same for 1st grade as it progresses. She is also very small. Not short, but tiny (Thank GOD! for Daddy's gene pool!) Hubby and I have both watched the Kindergarteners, just to see if we should have held her back. She is not like them. She is more confident, more out-going, more self-assured then the bitty ones and she just fits the 1st grade. So we are leaving her there.

As for me, the worst times I had were the 5th grade when we moved and I started a new school in a new state. I was scrawny, limp, nervous, afraid, not confident, and easily upset. Needless to say, I got picked on. And I had such a big heart and felt terribly misunderstood/underrated/mistreated. I really didn't understand why the kids picked on me. As an adult, I see they did it because they could. The best thing my parents ever did for me was yank me out of that school and put me in Private School. I made cheerleading the next year and have wonderful memories of Jr High and High School. I did above average academically, not great, but better than average, and loved school, loved learning, loved reading, etc.

Is Catie in Kindergarten right now? How's she doing there? My daughter was in Pre-school and they did a Kindergarten Readiness Assessment. I like Vera's idea of having her tested. A good school psychologist might be helpful, but asking teachers an opinion would probably give you the best feedback. And LBT, of course

Another thought. She is being raised by YOU (and hubby) so she will surely turn out just great! Besides, no matter what you do, you will somehow manage to screw up your kids. If you didn't, what else would they do with their time during their 20's? Isn't that when you figure out where your parents screwed up and get over blaming them for everything?

Let us know what you decide to do!!!

Hmmmm.... best laid plans.

Go with your gut and be ready to switch gears, provide a lot of unconditional support and she'll find her way as all of us do.

My older son was always and big--and always a klutz. When they gave him a "readiness" test for Kgarten in preschool it indicated he wasn't ready (based mostly on his "ball bouncing" skills from what I could ascertain). He was already the BIGGEST kid in preschool and it was obvious to me he was smart and mature so I went against that advice and put him in school.

He did fine. In fact in 3rd grade the teacher called and told me she was recommending him for the GATE (GiftedAndTalentedEducation) test which was VERY rigorous at the time. My words to her were--"Gifted and talented!! He can't even TIE HIS SHOES!" To which she answered that he was a "global thinker" and motor skills had nothing to do with it. Well he passed the test easily. (Extremely high score in analytical skills.) So we come to 4th grade and there's a 4/5 grade combo they asked if I would be willing to put him in. Thinking he would be more mentally challenged (less bored) if he were w/ older kids I said fine.

He wasn't very happy that fall and didn't seem to fit in with the older kids. There were some major financial changes in the disctrict and in the MIDDLE OF THE YEAR they added more classes to the the school. They ended up moving the 5th graders from the 4/5 combo and made it a 3/4 combo. I was really pissed because now the opposite of what I wanted for him was happening. But guess what? After the change, he was THRILLED. The teacher (same teacher, thank god) said he wasn't like the same kid at all and totally BLOOMED with the younger kids. He loved helping them and teaching them things. So go figure. I guess as an older brother being among the older group was a good fit for him.

John is now a senior at UCSanta Cruz with a 3.8 GPA. He's a politics major and already interned w/ a state senator. His past Junior year was spent at the university of Dublin and he traveled w/ 2 friends hosteling thru 14 countries this past summer. Right now he plans to finish college, join the Peace Corps for 2 years and then become a speech writer (like the guys on West Wing). Who knows what he'll do? I don't really have any idea but I'm sure it will be something worthwhile and I'm excited about his future.

So Alex, all that to say what? Things didn't always turn out like I thought they would, but they worked out. I think a lot of us have had miserable years. They are sometimes the years we learn the most. So make your best guess and trust your kid to turn into the wonderful grownup she's sure to be.

I do want to add something in that you really need to take her personality into consideration. If she's the type that likes to run things she would probably become a leader in her age group. If she's younger she's going to be frustrated by the lack of credibility due to her age.

I spent several summers as a Y camp counselor and when I ran into a kid like I was (always causing trouble) the first thing I would do is put them in charge of something. It's absolutely amazing how much a cheif can get done if they're given some Indians--& what trouble you'll have if you try to turn a cheif into a sheep.

Did that make any sense???

funny, my great big doppy son also did so much better when he was able to mentor younger kids too!

Thanks for the feedback, ladies. Part of the problem is that we're trying to think so far ahead. Our district has registration for the fall in March (!) so we're trying to have some idea of where we want to go before we get there.

I keep waffling! Catie is still in pre-school and my sense is that she's dominating it utterly. But it's very hard to judge how she'd be in a real classroom setting because there's just none of that going on in this class. And another issue is that my district only has 1/2-day kindergarten, and it seems to me a year of THAT would just be a total waste. So we're thinking about trying to hop over it to start her in 1st grade at age 5.

But then I waffle again and think she's better off in the same age group where she can be a chief among Indians. While some kids definitely blossom in that situation, I worry that she may develop a tendency to dominate physically (i.e., be a bully) since even now she's always the "in charge" child.

It's so hard to really assess a child's personality at this age because so much changes even from month to month. Most of my impressions are based on her physicality; and while I'm certain that she is NOT academically ready for first grade right now, next year is 12 months away and by then she may very well be.

I wish she could have started kindergarten this year, but we would have had to hop that train last March! Where's my crystal ball?

Alexandra, is there a homeschooling curriculum available to get her Kindergarten year in before she starts 1st grade next fall? Just a thought? She can do Kgarten from home as quickly as she/you want, it's "on the books" so to speak because you have done an approved curriculum from home. There are some headaches involved but if it would get her ready for 1st grade and fulfill the requirements to have her ready for it, well????

That's how we'd accomplish the first-grade admission, Kathy, yep. If we can get her reading even a little she'd already be way ahead of her kindergarten-age peers. Homeschooling is a little intimidating to think about, especially for a mom who works full-time, but if we make the firm decision to proceed with first-grade admission next year we'll take it on.

My Son Is Also 4, Very Large For His Age And Will Miss The "cut Off" For Kinder. By 3 Weeks. He Is In Pre-k Now And Loves It. He Can Read Basic K Books, Count To 20, Tie His Shoes, And All The Basic Stuff. I Tought Pre-k And Was A Teacher's Assist For 5 Years, He Is Above His Grade Level In Skills. Boys Usually Mature Slower Than Girls At This Age, So I Think He Will Be Ok If He Starts Late. He Loves To Lead, But He Also Gets Along Well With Kids His Brothers Age (8). I Am Still Trying To Make A Firm Decision Also. Does Your District Have The Gifted Program? I Think That's Were I'll Head And See How It Goes. I'd Rather He Has Great Grades In K Than Bad Grades In 1st. Plus Gifted Will Give Him That Extra Challenge Work. We'll See

Hi, this is about my daughter, not me. My daughter is 7 (turns 8 in Oct) and in 3rd grade. She is 4'10" tall, wears a jr/misses 17/18, size 8 womens shoes. I'm only just a few years ahead of you on this road, and I'm happy to share with you our experience. She was smart and mature for her age, so we had her tested for kindergarten readiness with a private kindergarten, because here in Texas there is no such thing in public schools. We made our decision on what seemed right at the time for her, although thinking ahead to her classmates driving before her, etc., did cross our minds and discussions. Then, we decided to do what is best for her in the present, and we'll cross the other milestones when we get there. We went to the dr last year, right after her 7th birthday, and were told to expect precocious puberty, probably within a year and a half. She already has breast development. She is not at ease with children her age, and even in class with kids a year older, she still does not "fit in." She is very comfortable with teens and adults, and shines in those settings. SOOOOO, she entered kindergarten a year early, then we returned to public school for 1st grade, hoping for the best...well, she began withdrawing, daydreaming, etc., because she knew already what was being taught. THIS IS NOT AN INDICTMENT AGAINST PUBLIC SCHOOL! I just know too well what is being asked of teachers (both my husband and I are pub. school teachers). Her teacher had 6 non-English speaking students, several behavior problems, plus a blind student, and they are not allowed to ability group...the kids who are faster learners are the last on the list of students about whom to be concerned. But, I digress. We started 2nd grade, again in pub. school, and her withdrawal and unhappiness was so bad, we had to do something...she was already in the gifted and talented class, and that was all they could offer and it wasn't enough. So, we researched private schools and found one we love, that is willing and able to adjust curriculum to the individual student, as well as support her while she develops a bit differently than her classmates. We pulled her out of her 2nd grade in pub. school after 3 weeks, and moved her to the new school. You might try looking at some of the gifted websites like Genius Denied and Davidson Institute for other info and suggestions.

I am sorry this is so long, but I am hoping it might help you with your personal decision. She is loving her new school, she still has some trouble with her size vs. the size of the others in her class, but we work on helping her learn and accept her own talents/strengths, and understanding genetics, because her dad is 6'3" and a former offensive lineman in football. God (or whoever you believe in) created mice and elephants, all for a reason.

Good luck with your decision...for us the bottom line was what was best right now. Making decisions based on something that might or might not happen seemed irrelevant, and she would have to suffer through 10 years of boredom just so she can drive a car when everyone else does? Nah. Cindy

Alex, since my birthday was so close to a new school year, I was always younger than all my classmates. I was also much taller and much heavier. I was the fat, dorky, ugly kid.

Kids are judgemental and cruel. Nobody, not one single person, ever hurt me, teased me, or violated me at any level because I was younger than them. I was just the tortured fat kid (2nd tallest in my school.)

I vote keep her with kids the same size. I personally think all your kids should be bumped up a grade since they have the unfair brilliance gene on their side. If they do pick on her, teach her how to use her brain to fight back.

my 2 cents .... being tall and while I commend you and her for her ability to read this doesnt make her emotionally able or mature enough to handle school .. My son was in private schools from age 2 up and he didnt start kidergarten till he aws 6 the way the birthday cut offs are here. At first I didnt like this because he just wouldnt have been ready and that was even with all his private school background. That being said i think if she is mature and emotionally able to handle it then by all means... those would be my only two concerns. By the way i think its amazing what is expected of kids today .. kindergarten for me was choclate milk, naps and macaroni art ... my son was trouble shooting computers last year.

Alex,

Before you go ut of your mind trying to make whatever decision you feel will be best for your daughter. Remember the town you live in has some stubborn people in it ( I should know I lived there for 23 years and will be moving back in 1 year) Yes our kids will be in school together anyway check with the Board of Education and see if it would be ok for her to skip and go right to first grade.

When I was in that school district in first grade I was Forced to take speach classes my parents fought and fought because I couldn't say T S or D words without a lisp. My parents knew as well as my orthodontist that my speach was lispy because I had a full mouth of braces at a Very Young age. The day they came off I could speak and still do speak fine. Anyway to make a long story short the town wouldn't budge because they needed a certain amount of kids in the class to have it covered by a state funded grant. they were not helpful or sympathatic at all to my needs as a child only their own.