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I've decided that it's time to tell you a story. One that may only be interesting to me, but so be it.
You know that I've been overweight (fat) my whole life. You know that I haven't always been happy about that, but that my efforts to lose the weight were always short-term successes followed by long-term failures. It's not something I'm proud of, in fact, I'm down-right ashamed. It's partly due to the shame that I think I've stayed this way for so long.
In my mind, I've felt, deep down, that maybe I didn't deserve to be thin. I had convinced myself that this was just the way it was supposed to be. If I was meant to be skinny, wouldn't I be? If that's really what I wanted, then why did I have that double cheeseburger with large fries? Why did I have six pieces of pizza (or more) when two would have been just fine? It wasn't because I was addicted to food. It was simply because I could. Not only did I feel like I could, I felt like because I could, that I should. I should keep going until I felt full. The problem I have is that I never feel full - until I feel too full. Full to the point that I'm nauseous because I haven't stopped. I take very large bites of food, and I eat extremely too quickly for what is healthy. This causes me to consume more food than is good for me, and I'm able to justify it in my head because I don't feel full.
This leads to feelings of guilt, because I know what I'm doing wrong, but I haven't been able to stop myself. I've tried and failed more times than I care to count. My willpower and determination is undermined by my inherent desire for instant gratification. If I can't have it now, why bother? I get what I want, and you know what they say about getting what you want - sometimes you get exactly that. So in my mind, because I'm getting what I want, I'm also getting what I deserve.
It's a vicious cycle that has consumed my life for years. It's caused feelings of self-loathing, created very low self-esteem, and prohibited me from exploring my full potential. Every decision that I've made in the past 25+ years has been consciously or subconsciously guided by my weight, or my perception of myself due to the weight, and this has factored into establishing who I think I am.
Knowing all of this, and yet still feeling unable to do anything about it on my own, has created within me a sense of my deserving to be this way. Knowing that this is harmful, fallacious thinking, but still locked into this pattern, regardless, has led to the shame. And the cycle of shame, guilt, etc., continues.
During the past three years, I have lost 60 pounds, only to regain 75. I have lost 20 to gain 10. The up and down, back and forth, yo-yo weight issues have been more detrimental to my health than if I had not lost the weight at all.
To compound my problems, add to this story a family history that would make any physician shudder. My father, although not overweight, smoked almost every day of his life. He had his first heart attack by the time he was 43, and his last, at age 66. In between, he had two more attacks and quadruple bypass surgery. My mother's side of the family is what really has it in for me, though. Both her parents were gone by the age of 53, one from a heart attack, the other due to complications from a stroke. My mother herself has heart disease (one attack, one angioplasty), type II diabetes, high blood pressure, and a host of other ailments, all which are hereditary.
Although I don't smoke, rarely consume alcohol, and am reasonably active, the combination of poor eating habits and family history have me earmarked for an early meeting with the man in the hooded, black cloak and his scythe.
For years, this has seemed not only inevitable, but unalterable.
However, as the great Bob Wills said, “Time changes everything.”
As I've grown older, it has become more important to me to continue to grow older. The first blush of youth has passed, and on to adulthood I must go. And with that journey comes the realization that I live for more than just me. My wife, kids, family, friends – all have more meaning to me than I ever gave credit when I was younger.
Knowing that I can't change on my own has been tough. Admitting that it will take help was one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. But knowing that the alternative is an early death is not something I can simply accept any longer. I feel like I must do everything I can to be around for as long as I can.
To that end, I've decided to break the silence on something that I've talked to only a select few about.
On Thursday, May 7th, 2009, I will be having laparoscopic banding surgery, commonly known as lapband. This is a weight loss surgery that has helped millions world wide, and most importantly, I am hoping can help me.
The lapband procedure consists of the doctors placing a small, adjustable silicone band around the top of my stomach. This band restricts the amount of food that can be eaten at one time, and is also designed to produce a faster sensation of fullness, the two things that have been the biggest challenge to me when dealing with my weight loss issues. It's done laparoscopicly, meaning that it requires no cutting, is done in less than an hour, and the rate of recovery is days, not weeks.
Lapband is something that I've been considering for a few years. In fact, I wanted to have it done about three years ago, but insurance companies were not hip to the idea at that point, and I could not afford the cash outlay. Instead of doing what I should have done, which is fight with the insurance company to have it done, I took the easy way out and “accepted” that it just wasn't meant to be for me to lose weight. Regrets, yes, I have a few.
The lapband should be a safe, long-term solution to helping me with my weight. It is not, I repeat, NOT, the silver bullet. The lapband in and of itself will not cause me to lose weight. It is the combination of the help it provides with my newfound desire to live longer (and better) that will enable me to succeed. Failure is not an option. Failure equals remaining on the path that I have been on my whole life, and that is too short a journey to contemplate.
I have not undertaken this lightly. Via the Internet, I've consulted with hundreds of people who have had this procedure, and taken their experiences, both good and bad into my decision. I have close, personal friends that have had the surgery, and are able to give me not only first hand accounts of pre- and post-op procedures, but can guide me weeks, months, and even years ahead.
I wrote this to help me put some thoughts down about where I've been and where I hope to be going, but I also wrote it to help put the pressure on me to succeed. If this was something I was doing under the radar, no one would know until it was too late if I succeeded or failed. I hope that soon you are able to start seeing the results of my success, and will be able to Celebrate with me.