Hello all.

I got my band on July 31st of 08. I struggled for about two years before I got my band because I felt like I should be able to lose this weight without it. And if I got the band and lost weight then I would be bringing no glory to God. That the band would get all the credit. But I got to where I was so depressed about my weight...327 and I am 5'2 that I just couldn't take it any more and I got the band. It took me like 10 days from the time I called up until I got it (because I had done the testing the year prior).

I am currenly 298lbs. I have not lost hardly any weight. I am so embarassed and ashamed. It is all my fault. But it is still the same struggle. I have never been restricted. Oh a couple times I have been unable to eat something, but for the most part, I can eat anything at all in big portions. The reason I have never had restriction is because I set myself up for failure.

When I was getting the band I told myself that I was going to strive to be one of those people who never have to have a fill, that way they can't say that it is only the band that enabled me to lose weight. Then I got a fill...but only allowed myself a small one because I still felt like crap for having the band. And then I got another small one. I think I have a 6cc fill in a 14cc band. But the point is, I am still doing the same thing.

I just feel so defeated, that I have no hope. Oh I know that there is no problem too big for God, but I just feel like I am never going to succeed. I feel so confused, and ashamed. I am trapped in the endless cycle of yo yo dieting because I have never utalized my band. I got it and have never used it. I still feel guilty for getting it, and I feel like crap that I can't lose it without it. I feel like I am a failure as a Christian because I can't stop.

I have a fill scheduled for April 1st and I feel so consumed with guilt over going in and doing this. I keep saying to myself that I don't have to go get a fill, I can do this. But I only fail. I am stressed to go in and get my fill because the nurse is going to give me a lecture and I just can't deal with it. I just feel lower than dirt and I can't talk to anyone about it. I just wish this would all go away. I am so tired of food and being fat.

Thanks for letting me vent. Pray for me, I just want to be okay with my band and use it, but I still feel so guilty for having it.

Carey

Hugs! I'm going to be blunt but it's all in love. 'Kay?

Here it goes!

You've got to change your mindset about the band!

1. The band is a TOOL not a miracle cure. Like a shovel, you have to USE the tool for the job you are trying to accomplish (a shovel to dig a hole, the band to lose weight).

2. Did God not create man and give him knowledge? Man, with God-given knowledge, created the band to help those of us who need extra help.

3. Why is it okay to get a pace-maker to help the heart beat, or medications to help us breathe (I have asthma), or a dishwasher to do the dishes but it's not okay to get a band (sleeve, bypass, etc.) to help us lose weight?

4. The band, being a tool, must be properly filled to each individual in order for it to work as it was meant to. Bands are MEANT to have saline in them to cause restriction. In very few cases, the band has worked for people without being filled. I kind of wonder if the band wasn't maybe a little small for them to begin with (meaning should have had a 14 but they have a 10). Who knows, just a theory of mine.

5. You aren't going to get anywhere if you don't change your attitude. You've got to STOP feeling guilty about doing something PROACTIVE in order to help yourself get healthy! If you don't change your attitude and get your mind-set healthy, then you are eventually going to die of the exact disease you are trying to prevent by getting the surgery, meaning obesity!

It's a big deal to have surgery. USE the tool you've been given!

Lots of hugs to you! Take care!

I echo heartfire's sentiments exactly.... :thumbup:

Thank you so much for your replies.

I actually talked to my husband about it last night for the first time. I completely broke down, wailing and gut wrenching sobs. I had not talked to my husband or anyone at all about it because I felt such overwhelming shame. Not shame that I had not lost very much (ironically that was never what I felt so terrible about), but such shame that I couldn't lose the weight on my own. And then the continued failure of trying to lose weight and not succeeding. I just felt like a total loser.

I know that I am viewing this wrongly, but I can't grasp that I can't stop. I have quit smoking, and other adictive behaviors. But I just can not stop this.

So, my husband told me the same thing that you did. And then I called my Titus 2 type mentor, and she told me the same thing. Why is it that I know it, but I can't get it through my pea brain?

Well, anyway, I finally just couldn't keep it in anymore because it was just eating me alive. Today I feel very exhausted, but I am feeling a renewed sense of direction. I am going to go get my fill, and immediatly schedule another. I am going to finally use my band, because I haven't since I got it.

I have been thinking of the verse where it says that Satan sifted Peter, and that is how I have felt for the last seven months. I feel like he has been lobbying bombs in my camp and confusing everything. He is truly the author of confusion. So I just have to refocus and get it done.

Thanks for your kind words, it was such a help to come here and post it. It was the straw that broke my back seeing on the screen how I was truly feeling. It enabled me to talk about it with my husband and friend. A lot of times unless it is spelled out, we don't really know what is going on inside our heads, and something so small can create such damage.

Thanks again! God bless! I will let you know how I do after I get my fill...kinda nervous, I have never had restriction before! LOL crazy huh? I have been banded for eight months and never been restricted! Oh well, at least I know I am all healed up!

God Bless!

Carey

Oh Careypea, I feel so sad reading your post! I think the fact that you have such strong and overwhelming emotions connected to the band indicates you have deep, underlying concerns that you need to deal with. Feelings like "shame" and "guilt" shouldn't be associated with the band!

Did you ever think that maybe this is God's way of helping you, by leading you to the band? By guiding your hand pick up the phone and make that first appointment? And maybe it's the devil making you feel the shame and the guilt and guiding you into poor decisions that harm yourself, like not getting your FILLS!!!

Hello all.

I got my band on July 31st of 08. I struggled for about two years before I got my band because I felt like I should be able to lose this weight without it. And if I got the band and lost weight then I would be bringing no glory to God. That the band would get all the credit. But I got to where I was so depressed about my weight...327 and I am 5'2 that I just couldn't take it any more and I got the band. It took me like 10 days from the time I called up until I got it (because I had done the testing the year prior).

I am currenly 298lbs. I have not lost hardly any weight. I am so embarassed and ashamed. It is all my fault. But it is still the same struggle. I have never been restricted. Oh a couple times I have been unable to eat something, but for the most part, I can eat anything at all in big portions. The reason I have never had restriction is because I set myself up for failure.

When I was getting the band I told myself that I was going to strive to be one of those people who never have to have a fill, that way they can't say that it is only the band that enabled me to lose weight. Then I got a fill...but only allowed myself a small one because I still felt like crap for having the band. And then I got another small one. I think I have a 6cc fill in a 14cc band. But the point is, I am still doing the same thing.

I just feel so defeated, that I have no hope. Oh I know that there is no problem too big for God, but I just feel like I am never going to succeed. I feel so confused, and ashamed. I am trapped in the endless cycle of yo yo dieting because I have never utalized my band. I got it and have never used it. I still feel guilty for getting it, and I feel like crap that I can't lose it without it. I feel like I am a failure as a Christian because I can't stop.

I have a fill scheduled for April 1st and I feel so consumed with guilt over going in and doing this. I keep saying to myself that I don't have to go get a fill, I can do this. But I only fail. I am stressed to go in and get my fill because the nurse is going to give me a lecture and I just can't deal with it. I just feel lower than dirt and I can't talk to anyone about it. I just wish this would all go away. I am so tired of food and being fat.

Thanks for letting me vent. Pray for me, I just want to be okay with my band and use it, but I still feel so guilty for having it.

Carey

First of all, obesity is a disease, not a character flaw. Do not forget this. Blaming yourself for obesity is like a diabetic blaming herself for high blood sugar.

It sounds like you have no restriction. When was your last fill?

We ALL hope we will be the one with no fill. Get over that mentality and go to your doc until you get good restriction. Com'on... a band without good restriction is like a fancy car with flat tires. Just how far do you think it will get you?

You don't need God here, you need a fill.

I agree on the fancy car with flat tires thing. I have absolutely no restriction. I have had a couple fills (5 months ago), like I said, I am at 6cc in a 14cc band. So I can eat a horse and am always hungry. It is like I don't have a band at all.

But I am going in on Wednesday the 1st for a fill, and I plan on actually using my band for the first time.

WasaBubbleButt, I thought that calling it a disease, and likening it to a diabetic was very apt. It is so true isn't it? Thank you for your advise. I plan on using my band finally! As for the other, I will always need God first and foremost. He led me here and helped me get out of an eight month cycle of wrong thinking and failure. Now I just got to get through the fill...the nurse is gonna give me the hardest time! Not looking forward to that! It is hard to explain something that is so painful.

God Bless!

Carey

Careypea, don't worry about the nurse. If (when) she starts to give you a hard time, tell her it has been an emotional thing with you - and you are there to get your fill because you are dealing with those issues. You are not there for a lecture, you are there for a fill. Does your surgeon have a psychologist set up for patients to work with? I have continued to see the one I saw prior to surgery - on an infrequent basis, but still seeing him about every 2-3 months. We are on an "as-needed" basis at this point. You have some issues he/she could help you with - practical help with emotional eating and such things. Most surgeons work with a person like that or have suggestions about some who help people with our disease cope with the emotional aspects of it. Required reading for my shrink is a book called "The Emotional First + Aid Kit" by Cynthia L. Alexander, PsyD. It is available on Amazon for a modest price (paperback). My shrink said to BUY it, not borrow it from the library, because I could find it very helpful to refer back to as needed.

The unfortunate thing about our disease/addiction to food - the drug addict can stop - the alcoholic can stop - but we still have to eat. You have taken a huge step in putting your emotions down on paper. It has helped you to talk about it with your most treasured friends. There will always be those like the nurse who are well-meaning in intent, but mis-guided in action. Pay attention to their intent, and forgive them their action. You do not owe an explanation to those people, but you do owe your best effort to yourself. God has guided you to this point and He is not going to abandon your here. Let it go and concentrate on the steps to make this journey successful.

I'm going to shoot from just the opposite direction than JoannMarie...

Sure, you need a fill... sure you don't need to get down on yourself.

But you need to remember something.

You need to be first thinking on being the person that God created you to be. God did not create you (or any of us) to be a failure. Instead, He created you to be victorious in all that you do.

God loves you no matter what, fat or thin. As long as you are the person he wants you to be, then you are blessed indeed.

But that said, there is a spiritual side to our weight. I did plenty of Christian concerts, including when I was over 400 pounds. I was a pastor at 425 pounds. I have worked for Christ at all sizes, and will continue to do so.

But losing weight has an effect in how people look at you, since we can move easier it makes us work more effectively in God's work, and it can give us a better shot at a long life of ministry on this earth (I am convinced that while we can not extend our time beyond what God wants for us, we can shorten it in the way we live).

Don't get down on yourself. You might need to reexamine what you are doing as far as your eating, your exercise, and definitely don't be shy about getting fills. I had 3 before I felt my first bit of restriction, and 4 before I really started to feel it... 2 months later, my restriction is starting to go down, so I am going in for another one in a few weeks... I'm not going to wait until I can eat anything again.

And mostly, use your mind... think about what you are doing daily. Just as we need to make a conscious effort in our prayer lives, we need to make conscious efforts in our physical lives so as not to slip back into the old habits that got us at the weight we are now.

And in all things, keep pressin' on.

Well said, Steve!

Carey, how did your first fill go?

Blessngs!

Amen to your comments Steve! Great support from all angles here. I am just getting on and am anxious to know how the fill went too!!

I could use some prayers about a fill as well! I have an appointment scheduled for tuesday afternoon but my husband changed jobs and we are without insurance until may 1. I do have some restriction but still can consume a lot of food. I know I need a tweak but am afraid of being too tight and needing to unfill or worse yet, wind up in the ER!

I am so excited to find you all and have some serious chrisitan support with this battle and the band!

I'll be waiting to see what the fill turned out to be!