Today was my last weigh in for the six-month medically supervised diet program. The final word is a 12 pound weight GAIN!

Yep!

So, as a form of punishment I ate three double cheese burgers from White Castle, potato chips, cake and ice cream. I was so sad and humiliated by performing so badly and possibly jeopardizing my chance for insurance approval for my surgery that I just had to make myself pay.

I keep asking myself why I can't master this. Why can't I simply get my weight and eating under control? I say that it's all I want so why can't I make that one thing happen? I ask and ask and ask and I can't come up with an answer.

A friend of mine reminded me that in spite of all of her success and the fact that she has access to anything in the world she wants, Oprah can't get it right either. That's an excellent point, but it still doesn't help. I keep beating myself with every weapon I can find because I can't get a handle on this.

My question for the day is if one cannot see a future for oneself does that mean that it's time to die. I haven't been able to see a future for myself in decades, but now it frightens and worries me. I don't see more than a few hours in front of me and maybe I don't need to. I remember someone saying that when you're driving on the open highway at night, your headlights only illuminate so many feet in front of you and that's all you need to see in order to complete your journey.

I know that I want lap band surgery. I know that I want to release my "Kick Ass" self and get over all the bullshit that I hold on to as beliefs. I know that I want to live.

So, I trudge forward boldly sending my record from the program to my surgeon for submittal to the insurance company.

I'll have to see what happens. More to come!

My question for the day is if one cannot see a future for oneself does that mean that it's time to die. quote]

I read this and had to reply. Both of my parents killed themselves when I was a child, my Dad when I was 9 and my Mom when I was 17. I have also lost several close friends this way. It's never time to die, it might be time to hide under the blankets, have a pity party for a day, a week, a month, but then you need to come out and fight. Life is a gift, some times it's a sucky gift and you want to give it back, but it's a gift none the less. One thing we know about life for certain is that it is always changing, some times for the better, some times not - but one thing is sure, this time next year your life will be different.

You are in control, you know that. There have been many times I have wanted to blame my failures on other people's actions but the bottom line is I'm the one who stops my success, I'm afraid to be happy, I know that, some where deep down inside I don't think I deserve it, I don't think I'm worth the hard work. But I am, and so are you.

Hi Lilith--

This posting has worried me because I thought that it might have been too personal, too raw--and was perhaps inappropriate for the forum. Your response helps to ease my mind and I greatly appreciate your thoughts.

Thank you for reminding me of the value of life and the value of me. I don't believe that I'm worth a happy fulfilling life, which is possibly why I didn't make the necessary effort to be successful on my program. I want something different for my life and I'm not giving up.

Thanks again for your response and sharing. I wish you well!

Beautylocs

I don't believe that I'm worth a happy fulfilling life, which is possibly why I didn't make the necessary effort to be successful on my program. I want something different for my life and I'm not giving up.

Hi Beautylocs,

Just remember that most of us here either do or have felt the same way you do, you are sooooo not alone. I've just decided if the lapband doesn't work I'm going to start sitting on skinny chicks until I feel like the world is a better place!:tongue2:

Feel free to talk to me anytime!

I love this as a strategy! Let's start with Heidi Klum?!

LOL - that sounds like a plan!