Has any one lost friends since wls?

[Tamiko 0]

I have been friends with this girl I meet at work for about 3years know. She is not overweight by my standards at all. When we first started hanging out she always wanted to go out and eat. On the other hand I don't like to eat out because I know that I will just eat again when I get home. Low and behold I gained about 30lbs from the constant eating out over the next 2 years. I started telling her about how unhappy I was about my weight and she would tell me I needed to exercise more and eat better, but she would turn right around and offer me candy and chips and when I would give in and eat it I would tell her that she needs to stop offering me those things. She would say well why did you eat it, just say no. If that wasn't the CRAZIEST thing I ever heard. If I could do that I wouldn't be as big as I am know. So when I told her that I was having wls she seemed happy for me, but know we don't do anything together anymore I guess because I can't eat like I used to (which was eat mine and help her finish hers). I also have a little more self control than I did before. Which she seemes to have started to pick up a little weight and know wants to exercise with me. Which I have 100s of pounds to lose she only has 20 or more pounds to lose. I feel like if I start working out with her that will bring me down a little because I know that when she has lost enough she will stop and I of course will have to keep on going by myself like I have always. I do'nt know what to do about this situation. I really needed to vent.

[La_madam 20]

Are you sure she is a true friend? Sounds like she is just an acquaintane because a true friend would not act that way. Do the two of you hang out outside of work? Or is it just a work friendship? I have a co worker here at my job who is the same way towards me, I do not let if affect me or my successs. Those are her issues as to why she can not express happiness for me. I do not need her to validate me or who Iam.Dont let it get to you, focus on you, doesnt seem like it is a big loss if she continues this behavior towards you. I'm sure you have other TRUE friends who will be there for you.

[Tamiko 0]

I thought we were friends but since I have had my surgery and she sees that I do not want to eat like she does she doesn't really know how to react to me. Of course she can eat all the junk food she wants without it really effecting her. I can't.

[Alexandra 55]

There is only one person in my life whose attitude toward me has changed, and I don't know if it's really because of my weight loss or other issues. We only met in 2001, but became good enough friends that I confided in her when I started looking at banding. She was outwardly supportive but I know inside she just felt it shouldn't be necessary. (Of course--SHE is a size 8 and while sure, she works out and watches what she eats, she's NEVER had any weight issue she couldn't whip into submission quickly. :rolleyes ) So we didn't discuss it much and only once or twice has she told me I look good.

Over the last year she's become more prickly toward me, and while there may be lots of other reasons I think my weight loss is a contributing factor. It's so easy to feel superior when someone who might otherwise be a professional threat to you has such an obvious liability. She even positioned herself as being something of a mentor to me back in 2002-3, something I now know she did just to suit her own purposes.

In any event, while I don't think the end of our rapport is totally due to my weight loss, I do think that had I not lost weight she would still be my "friend." She's accused me of being "high and mighty"--something that NO ONE who knows me would say about me. That tells me we never really were friends, and if she is willing to throw me over for invented reasons there's a lot more going on than I knew about.

True friends embrace our new selves, and it's been wonderful to see how sincerely happy for me my close friends are.

[vinesqueen 2]

I've always gotten that "high and mighty' vibe from you Alex, so I can see where she's coming from ... (**insert big wink here**)

A woman I've known for gosh, 8 years or so has dropped me since I got the band. When i was on my last supervised weight loss regeim, I lost a good amount of weight, didn't keep it off, but well you know the drill. Every time I mentioned my weight loss she would quickly, I mean quickly change the subject. But when it came to her diets, she would go on and on and on.

She was an enormous size 10 when she started her diet and now she's a size 4 and looks terrible. She recently started to use a rowing machine and got really good at it, but because she built up her upper body and gained muscle mass, she's pissed off at the weight gain, so she quit so she could loose the weight she gained from rowing.

[Kelliebelly 13]

I had one friend who is also big. When I first mentioned the surgery to her when I was thinking about it, she asked a few questions and then never said another word...after telling me she would never do something like that. She didnt talk to me for quite a while. The next time I heard from her (app 1 month) I had had the op and lost 10 kg. I never mentioned the op and she never asked until a week or more after that. Again she asked me a few questions and told me how she would never do that, she talked to me in a very condescending tone and threw a few sarcastic remarks in and left. She has not contacted me since...3 months. I am upset, but think if thats how much our friendship meant to her then so be it. I could have really used her by my side a few times over the last few months.

[soonergirl 0]

I have actually chosen not to tell most people in my life about the band. It is not because I want everyone to be under the illusion that I did this all through diet and excercise without the assistance of the band - but because I did not trust the judgement of most of the people in my life to deal with this and me responsibly after knowing.

Now I know this sounds like I must have some crappy friends, but I don't think that is the case - I just don't think that I can expect people that have never had a lifeong battle with weight to understand my struggles and my choices. I also don't think that they will ever take the time to educate themselves on the band and understand why is was the right choice for me - it is too much easier for them to judge, turn their nose up, say something offensive to me or about me behind my back.

One the other hand, I have a number of friends heavier than I am that I will also choose not to tell. I don't want them to say - why did you get this - your not THAT heavy. You have been able to lose weight before?????

My "best friend" before the surgery used to be heavier than I was considerably and then she lost weight and is about 10 pounds lighter than I am - Everytime I eat healthy - she eats healthier, If I go walking - she goes running. She says that it is because I am "motivating her" - ya - I am motivating her to always stay just a little bit smaller than I am. When I decided to get the band and I talked to my husband about who I chose to tell - I didn't pick her. That told me a lot about our friendship. Don't get me wrong - she would be really supportive to my face, but I know the things she would say behind my back - so why?? why tell her? It is not doing me any good and I don't owe her that!

I chose to tell people in my life that would be supportive - it just so happens, those are the people I find myself spending more time with lately.

I know that not everyone supports the decision for some of us to be "closet bandsters", but I had to make the chose that served me and my well being the best through this experience. I am sure with time, I will selectively share my experience with others who I think it may interest or help.

The actions of the people in your life that have acted this way don't really surprise me - maybe she liked a lot of attention and feels like your ongiong and dramatic weight loss will make you and that subject the center of attention moving forward? Who knows, but don't let it drag your emotions through the mud, the way she is acting is about her and her issues - not you and your choice to make this decision for yourself and your health!!!! A lot of people just don't know how to act. I would try to initiate something that you want to do , or lunch somewhere of your choice - take control of the situation a little and see how she reacts?

Good luck with everything!!

[vinesqueen 2]

I'm not a closet bandster, I was outed, so there we are.

If you are in the closet, any closet, I suspect that some day you will be outed. Maybe on purpose, maybe by accident.

Mind you, I don't wear a sandwich board that reads "I've lost 30 pounds! Ask me how!"

mmm, sandwiches

People are funny, some times the folks we are sure will be the most supportive of us turn out to be real heels, while those we least expect will be our greatest supporters. I suppose lost friendships are no difference than other commited relationships that disolve after one member changes dramatically.

[piercedqt78 658]

When I went to my info seminar (march 05) my sister ask a few questions and dropped it. Then she told my mother that a woman she knows,knew someone that was banded in California (i believe Mexico and California was the cover story) 5 years ago, there were complications and she spent 4 months in a coma. When she woke up she had premanent damage to her brain and several other complications. Then she went on to say that this was common with banding and she would never do it. Fast forward to last week, my band is all approved and I am making appointments to have pre-op labs done. She asked to see my lapband booklet from the seminar. My husband says that she sees the band as a $20,000 toy that I have and she doesn't. By the way my mom is FINALLY starting to accept the whole band thing. I took her to my consultation and that helped, also she is reading a few books on weightloss surgery. Thanks to my sister I had to convince my mom that I was going to be ok and this was a safe thing to do. I guess this really teaches us who our friends are. ~Mandy

[Dragonwillow 0]

I've told people that I wish I had not told. People I'm sure will think I took the "easy" way...and will probally talk about me behind my back. These people will be watching to see how well I do, and if I'm a slow looser it will be even worse...or if I gain back any I'll have to move to another state. I know this is a bit dramatic, but thats how I feel. I don't think they are happy for me...when I lost weight on diets, they would say how great I looked but then wait for me to gain it back.

On the other hand I have other friends that I think are seceretly curious about the surgery...and don't mind when I talk about it. They ask me how my various tests went and so on and so on. My husband jokes occassionally..."see I told you she has researched this, she could almost do the surgery herself" This makes me think that they may have voiced some concerns to him privatly. He seems pretty proud of me for having researched this surgery so well. Some one I will never tell, even when I reach goal......my mother in law! I've been married to her son 17 years and she still inimadates the crap out of me. My husband claims she likes me, but I'm not convienced....she seems to really like his brothers wife though. (to be honest I think I loose points in her eyes for being overweight as it is).

My opinion on this still remains ....if I tell someone and they turn on me because of it...then they weren't my true friend in the first place.

Melissa

[vinesqueen 2]

Exactly Melisssa!

[soonergirl 0]

I agree as well Melissa, I don't think my friends would "turn on me", but I am just a private person - and I only chose to tell people that I think will really support me in this. Anyone else - I am not sure what I would be getting out of telling them - so why.

Plus - I really don't think that some people are intentionally trying to be rude or mean, but honestly have not been educated enough to know how to act about it. I don't think this makes them bad people or bad friends. I mean if they are a size 4 - what would they know about this and of course it sounds extreme and scary. I don't want to take the time and energy to explain myself to them. And - as for the other friends I haven't told that might benefit from this and I am sure will be curious - I will deal with that on a case by case basis. I do not want to be such a "snob" about this that I rob one of my friends the opportunity to learn about this first hand from someone that could help them and support them with the same expereince.

My mom is the type of person that tells everyone she knows everything about her and everyone else she knows - this has made me an extremely private person about my personal affairs. All of my friends know and respect this, so the ones that I have shared this with see it as a big honor of our friendship that I have chosen to include them on this journey.

I am sure that I will continue to learn a lot from each of you sharing your experiences with this matter and I may change my opinion of this as I get further down my journey - so I really thank you all for sharing, as each point of view really gives me a different persective and more to think about!!!!

["Nita 0]

I don't think it is so much about telling people about the band as it is the weight loss that results. A few years ago I went to a diet doctor ( adrug dealer with a white coat...LOL) I lost 90 pounds (regained 40 of that before I got my band) anyway, I started going to this doctor with my two sisters. both of my sisters (at that time..now one is super thin, oh well...) were just overweight not obese. I was the fat sister. Well, once I really started losing and doing well, they decided they didn't want to go anymore so I was then going alone. They would tempt me with junk and try to sabatoge me at every turn even though they would say you look so great, we are so proud of you, yada yada yada, do you want this cheesecake???LOL

Another friend jumped on the diet doctor bandwagon and started going with me a few months later. She was already much smaller than me and I really think she jumped on just to stay smaller than me...LOL. With her, if I walked two blocks, she walked two miles, If I stayed on 1000 cals, she stayed on 900. etc.... it was always about outdoing me and she always let me know how she was doing better and how good that felt to her. As if I was supposed to be happy that I was somehow motivating her.....warped!!! LOL

Whether it's band or pills or whatever, when the fat friend isn't the fat friend anymore, roles have to be redifined and friendships and relationships sometimes change. A lot of times, the fat friend is not a threat or is a self-esteem boost is some sick way. So when we decide we are gonna be the thin healthy not eating the whole cheesecake pretty friend. It can threaten people. Sad but true.

And my two sisters I mentioned above. They were always much closer with each other than to me. Now that one of them is a size 6-8 and the other is still a size 14, they hardly talk anymore.....go figure. no bands involved, just weight loss.

[lapbander081004 7]

Miko,

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true

friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...did we mess up."

I always felt this way... Some people build big homes that look like hell...But when I go to the house its to visit the persons inside. I can get past the house not being as attractive as I'd like. So if someone suddenly doesn't like my newly formed body then they need to get past it. The person inside is still the same.

My wife has a good saying. Once a friend of ours stopped by and made a comment about the mess the kids toys made.(4 young kids at the time) My Wife looked at her and said. "If you want to see the house you should call ahead next time. Want to see me stop by anytime."

[katerzz 4]

My husband had a co worker who we used to go out with him and his wife like once or twice a month... since surgery I havent seen them.. even have invited them a few times. Its been three months since surgery and this weekend we are puppy sitting for their dog. (the dog is one of the puppys from our dogs litters) Last night they were supposed to come pick him up b 8:30.. well at 10:30 the call and say they got bumped from their plane.. HAH i know better cuz they had to volunteer or were late. So now.. its gonna be tonight, or tomorrow or whenever I guess! Boy sure can tell they arent my friends!!!!!!!!! I am so serious about it being only since surgery... before that things were soooo different.

Oh yea.. and my older sister too ever since surgery *poof* funny thing is she wanted surgery and thought it was her big secret from my parents.. until her insurance denied her. we live in the same town .. last time I told her about a loop i her insurance company and she says to me, "well I decided I can do it the right way"

HAH that makes me laugh harder cuz I've lost like 50 lbs (more i just dont want to stand on the scale) in three months I'm stoked and *getting* to the point I could care less.

My life is whats better.. I know I can find new friends. My husband and I are 100x better than we were 50 lbs ago and that isnt his fault.. I'm different and I like myself more so it makes things easier.. plus I can actually HELP do stuff around the house without feeling like im going to die haha now just to get another job and I'll be set. =)

ps... I tell everyone about my band. I am proud of my band and the short journey I have been on so far. I could care less what other people think and honestly what does it matter anyway? Anyone so nieve to think its "the easy way" is retarded... I think of it this way.. at least I took the steps to do something about my weight since obviously I couldnt do anything about it on my own.