Okay, my surgery is in a week. I’m a wreck, just a nervous wreck. I’m not sleeping, I’m pacing, my asthma is threatening to flare. I’m trying to keep myself distracted, but it isn’t working. Night is worse for some reason. I’ve tried to focus on other thing, like tomorrow I start my horseback riding class, and Friday I go home (a temporary reprieve from my exile). I have a dark chocolate bar softly whispering my name oh so seductively. It is probably lonely. That same bar has been in my fridge since October, so I’m not really in any danger.

And I have a gi-normous math test on Thursday. You would think that would capture my attention, given my l33t m4th skills… (as if)

I wish I could be dancing like jubilant Jamie, dancing around her living room, shaking her booty. But I can’t. Instead I sit with tears. I’m not sure what I’m mourning.

I strip myself naked

Nothing holds the wolves at bay

Pain, a standard clutched

All protection gone

Gone are my shield and armor

Wit, my soul weapon

how will I to protect

my tender heart from cruel life

my size my armor

Facing my failure

Options fade like mist on fields

Facing my future

Crystal - sometimes it's really hard just waiting....you'll be banded before you know it - I'm thinking about you xx

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words of encouragement. I truly cherish the support I find here.

Megan, I have been doing a lot of thinking about what it was exactly that I was mourning. Those meditations produced the haiku I previously posted.

I’m not really mourning food. I’m mourning the anticipated loss of power. I know that I will not be losing any of my physical strength, but in losing size, I loose intimidation power. I’m sure that makes me sound like a lunatic, or a megalomaniac, or maybe a little of both.

I’m sort of built like a prison matron. Picture Queen LaTefa in Chicago. I am fearless, I think, in part because I know that no one is going to mess with me. Mind you, I’m a fluffy bunny inside. While jerks in bars feel no threat in harassing slender women, they think twice about the situation if I have to get involved. This has happened on more than one occasion.

I also use my size as a shield and armor against the difficult times I’ve had to endure. My size was a buffer against the wolves that raised me.

And unfortunately, I had to take an ambulance ride today. A sudden and severe asthma attack hit me so hard I couldn’t get to my apartment and take a breathing treatment. The good news is that it shouldn’t affect my surgery on Monday. If for no other reason, I want this surgery to help me so I don't die from resperatory failure.

My surgery is the 14th, Monday.

Thanks again for listening.

It looks like the whole troop has tried to reassure you but I wanted to add my hugs and advice. I felt TOTALLY like you do and was a nervous wreck. It all went fine and I'm beyond thrilled I had it done. You too will feel the same way later on. Best wishes and good luck, Teresa

I also use my size as a shield and armor against the difficult times I’ve had to endure. My size was a buffer against the wolves that raised me.

Crystal, You'll have to use you brain more now against the difficult times. And from what I see in your post you'll do just fine.

Best wishes

Crystal - You will be fine, if any thing you will be stronger for it. Your confidence will soar!

Good luck on Monday, I know you are anxious and nervous, and that is normal. Just make sure you post when you can and let us know how things went!