I have pretty much decided not to tell my parents that I am getting banded. My SO will know and a few friends, but that's it.

Neither of my parents are significantly overweight -- perhaps 20-25 pounds on both of them. I have been overweight my entire life. I do think that they could've helped me and perhaps I would not have become an obese adult. But we ate very stereotypical Southern food. We did not exercise as a family. I do recall my father telling me when I was 10 or so that I needed to "watch it" or I'd end up really fat. That was about the extent there. He would poke me in my stomach up until about 5 years ago (and I am 30), when I lost it and told him to keep his hands to himself.

When I eat at their house, I feel like every bite is being watched as I put it into my mouth. If I take "too much" of something then my father calls me a "piggie." I try to eat as little as possible and eat my actual meal when I get home. The only time they have mentioned my weight as an adult was when I lost 25 pounds on Weight Watchers and then they told me how great and pretty I looked. They both whine about how "fat" they are to me without being sensitive to the fact that hello, I am morbidly obese.

I know from past conversations that they both think of any kind of weight loss surgery as a crutch, taking the easy way out, et cetera. Even Weight Watchers was silly to them, because you had to pay for it and count points. I should be able to just eat less and exercise more. I don't have enough willpower and that's why I am fat, according to them. I'd like to think that my mother would be more sensitive to it but she would not keep it to herself -- she has told relatives things that I told her in confidence before.

I can't imagine telling other relatives either. I am not really close to most of them. None of them are overweight. My grandmother put me on Slimfast & Lean Cuisines with her for a summer when I was 8. She told me that if I slimmed down and stayed that way she'd buy me a new wardrobe of clothes every year. That never happened but she was still telling me that up into my teens. I am obviously less of a person to her because I am fat.

At Christmas this year my 14-year-old cousin made a fat joke and other relatives laughed, including her mother. Then she looked at me and said "no offense." I told her that she was incredibly rude and left the room. I didn't eat dinner because I was so upset and everybody asked me why I wasn't eating. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

So I have gotten the message all my life that I am a failure because I am fat...I have a "pretty face"...if I'd just "slim down"... I don't see a reason to share getting banded with any of them. If I did share, even if they got past the "giving up" part of getting WLS, then they'd constantly be asking me about it. I don't think I can deal with that kind of pressure.

Yet I am having a hard time with this decision, not telling my parents especially. I'd like to hear others' experiences with telling family members.

How did they react? Were they upset/hurt that you didn't tell them before you got it?

Thanks!

they were actually OK with it. i explained that i wanted to do this and didnt want to be talked out of it. i knew they would try to do it :eek:.

as for in laws, no way no how will they EVER know. they can ASSume all they want, but i told DH telling them would be grounds for castration... they are super judgmental and are disappointed that DH didnt marry a super tiny Chinese woman (ha - they got the exact opposite!!!) and have never really treated me with the respect that i deserve... so, they dont need to know this private information (that i am willing to share with just about anyone else - even strangers...)

Thanks losingjustme -- we don't even talk to my in-laws but that's an entirely different story!

Thanks Lap_dancer -- I am definitely not going to tell them. If you want to share your story I'd appreciate it (PM OK) but I understand if you don't, it is helpful just to know about others who have a difficult relationship with family members when it comes to weight. I see your posts on Dr. K's thread all of the time and you should be proud of yourself!

they were actually OK with it. i explained that i wanted to do this and didnt want to be talked out of it. i knew they would try to do it :eek:.

as for in laws, no way no how will they EVER know. they can ASSume all they want, but i told DH telling them would be grounds for castration... they are super judgmental and are disappointed that DH didnt marry a super tiny Chinese woman (ha - they got the exact opposite!!!) and have never really treated me with the respect that i deserve... so, they dont need to know this private information (that i am willing to share with just about anyone else - even strangers...)

Wow. (super tiny Chinese woman...ha ha..funny) My mother-in-law has been supportive by simply not judging, not asking about emotional things. She's very good at not prying. My husband's family have all been so wonderful. If I was rich I'd take them all on a cruise.

Wow. (super tiny Chinese woman...ha ha..funny) My mother-in-law has been supportive by simply not judging, not asking about emotional things. She's very good at not prying. My husband's family have all been so wonderful. If I was rich I'd take them all on a cruise.

well, i guess i could explain that my DH is Chinese... and she is a very thin Chinese woman .. but it's mostly DH's father. he is very critical. our first meeting, he asked me how much i weighed :eek:

i smiled and said 200 (i was about 275-280 at the time)...

Thanks losingjustme -- we don't even talk to my in-laws but that's an entirely different story!

Thanks Lap_dancer -- I am definitely not going to tell them. If you want to share your story I'd appreciate it (PM OK) but I understand if you don't, it is helpful just to know about others who have a difficult relationship with family members when it comes to weight. I see your posts on Dr. K's thread all of the time and you should be proud of yourself!

Glad to share with you. Look for my PM.

I love it when my family asks me how I lost weight. I am completely honest. I tell them for the first 4 weeks, I drank slim fast 3-4 times a day, and nothing else. I exercise 6 days a week. I watch my portion size and count calories. There is no lie in any of this information.

See, that will be my issue. My parents live about an hour away and I know that they will comment on my food choices. If I try to eat healthier at a restaurant everybody asks me if I'm on a new diet. That's why it is damned if you do, damned if you don't. I will just have to be very cautious, I guess. Thanks for sharing.

A few bandsters I know that are keeping it quiet will usually order Soup off the menu. Then if someone does notice and ask, they will say something about feeling like they are coming down with or getting over a mild stomach flu or if they travelled to visit the person they will blame thier "touchy" stomach on jet-lag.

On the pizza, you might try getting thin & crispy crust. Or you pull the stomach flu card again and ask to go elsewhere.

I can't say which would be worse. Hiding the surgery, then constantly stressing about people asking why I'm not eating enough or worrying that the few I confided in might slip and tell someone I didn't want to know. Versus not hiding the surgery, and dealing with the stupid comments like, "so when will you be able to eat normal, healthy foods again?", "How much do you have to lose before you go back to have the band removed?", "Gee, if you are only suppose to lose 1-3 pounds a week with the band, why didn't you just do it without the band?" etc...

Personally I chose to tell everyone and deal with the occasional idiot comments, but I can totally relate and respect the people who chose to keep it private. After all it really isn't anyone elses business.

I have a friend who says that you can choose your friends but your family is a curse which is sent to you by God. Is he bitter? Yes, but he also speaks the truth. For many of us our families are toxic.

First of all (((((((hug))))))))

Familys can be such a pile of cacka cant they!

I think you will know inside you which is the best way to go with this, if keeping a secret from them will cause you more stress than telling them, them make a judgement call on it.

It didnt bother me, but then being honest I have always taken a perverse delight in shocking my family,and they are all aware that other than my sis I dont give a rats ass what they think anyway.

You are doing this for you, you dont have to explain yourself to anyone,and if when you are slim they do spot the scars just tell them that you had suspected gallstones and they did a laparoscapy(?) to rule it out.

Parents find myriad ways to screw up there kids,yours picked your weight, whether you want to open that whole can of worms is up to you.

What ever you decide you will have the last laugh when you are slim AND a nice person!!

I hear ya! I have decided to tell my close friends and family. I have to tell my in-laws - they are from eastern europe and will stack my dinner plate a mile high, then when I don't eat seconds, will ask why I don't like their cooking!

My mother-in-law is very anxious and was asking me all sorts of questions yesterday - won't you have saggy skin and need cosmetic surgery, you better eat chocolate now as you won't be able to eat it ever again etc etc..... you get the picture.

My parents, sisters and DH have been nothing but supportive, I am blessed.

I will tell anyone who asks the truth - it is far easier than remembering who I fibbed to!

TheGhost ~ That is a good idea -- soup or just saying I'm feeling a little under the weather. Unfortunately most of our family gatherings are homecooked meals so it will be difficult. It was hard enough when I was dieting everyone knew it. One Thanksgiving I was going to just bring my own meal and my mother said she would cook some stuff separately for me without oil, butter, et cetera. But she didn't and I had to go back to the grocery store to find something to eat.

green ~ Your friend is right. Sometimes family is just toxic, period.

nina874 ~ Thanks for the hug! No way I want to open that can o' worms. I can't imagine any instance in which they'd see my scars, I'm not showing 'em my tummy!

greeneyez ~ I am so glad that you have great family support!

I wish I had only told my husband and not anyone else.

My mother and dad have been extremely supportive, but she told some of her relatives and they are idiots and sometimes say stupid stuff regarding the band and my decision to get it.

I was at 190 lbs so even though I was overweight, they didn't see it as an exreme problem. I was unhappy with myself and that is what mattered to me. My mother's sister said that since I was such a great dresser and took such good care of my apprearance no one really paid attention to the fact I was fat. She said I was a "pretty fat girl". Oh, she is such an idiot. Others just said that I was cheating cause I got the band. IF they only knew what hard work it is to lose and maintain the weight. And the worst of all, was my best friend (who is overweight) who I made sear to not tell. Once I started losing and getting compliments and attention she took it upon herself to tell others. That really hurt me, that someone that I loved like my own sister would feel jelouse of me.

As far as my in-laws well they are all ignorant and would not understand, so I didn't tell not one of them. When I got my band I hired a personal trainer to work out, so that is the explaination they get for all the weight loss. Excercise and eating in moderation.. No lies there.

I do have to tell you, that I got a tt and body liposculpture, so that thinned me out even more and now I get accused of getting a boob job. My boobs where huge before and stayed huge. So I get asked who my ps is and how much did it cost to get my boobs done. Isn't that a hoot?? I take it as compliment, my boobs must look damn good if they think I paid for them..

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Outstanding girl!

Oh girl! Are we related? Haha... Ya know, I did hear a good one the other day that you might be interested in. Somebody told me that a combination of diet & excercise will help you lose weight! I never heard that. Thought I'd pass on those words of wisdom... ;')