Hi everyone. I need to vent a bit about my situation. I decided from day one not to tell anyone in my family about my decision to be banded. I know that they would be against it and I did not want to discuss it at all. I am up to the point where my surgeon has submitted it to my insurance company and if it's approved, I'm figuring that it won't be long from now. I told my boyfriend about it in a round about way. Actually, I lied to him and felt really guilty about it, then went back and told him what I wanted him to know without any more lies. After telling him, he said that I knew it was more than you were telling me. He then said "you want to get your stomach pinched, please don't do that." I told him that it's not a stomach pinch and that I want to do this. He then says "don't do it and that's all I have to say." Now I feel like I should have never said anything to him. He's going to be the one that's going to be caring for me and we live together, so I didn't want something to be wrong and he has no idea of how to help me. We've been together for 5 years now. He's never complained about my weight and seems as happy as when we first met and I was about 75 lbs lighter but I am not comfortable this way. He does not understand this. The way he said to me don't do it, gave me a feeling like don't do it or else. I am sure that our relationship will not end because I am still going to be banded but I don't want to argue about it and all I want is his support. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I must do this for me. How do I make him see this?

AudricIan, how do you hide your scars from your DH??

IMHO, my DH would have been much more aggrieved by the deception than by the act.

I realize this isn't directed at me but I'm going to throw in my two cents anyway.

*I* was much more aggravated by HIS refusal to hear me out and peacefully allow me to do what was right for me. It came to a point where I decided the hell with what he thought, if I were diabetic and needed insulin would I care about his opinion if he wanted me to do without insulin? There really wasn't a difference. This wasn't being done for vanity reasons, this was a medical decision and just because he didn't understand did not mean I wasn't going to have it done.

I suppose it depends on how strong your relationship is to begin with. I am lucky to have a totally supportive husband and we are now saving up for him to also have the surgery.

My other half is from India where they have mud huts and dirt floors for hospitals.

Really, considering my dh was born in India and lived there until his 20s and my MIL and FIL 9until he passed) spent their lives there I'm quite shocked. Neither one has ever lived in a mud hut or even had a dirt floor, let alone been to a hospital with one. So not all of India is mud huts.

In fact, I asked all of the Indians whom I know about this and not one of them has ever been to a mud hut/dirt floor hospital. And trust me I have quite a few close Indian friends. I even had dh ask his friends at work about this as well.

Maybe you're referring to REMOTE VILLAGES in India, but surely not all of India.

I just find it offensive when people generalize India snf its nationals in such a light.

How do you make him see this?

You don't.

He is only a BF...and chances are he won't be around long anyways....that's what BFs are for...but once you get a BFF aka fiance..it would be a tad different.

Me, I wouldn't have even told him...but since you did. Just don't ever mention it.

Really, considering my dh was born in India and lived there until his 20s and my MIL and FIL 9until he passed) spent their lives there I'm quite shocked. Neither one has ever lived in a mud hut or even had a dirt floor, let alone been to a hospital with one. So not all of India is mud huts.

In fact, I asked all of the Indians whom I know about this and not one of them has ever been to a mud hut/dirt floor hospital. And trust me I have quite a few close Indian friends. I even had dh ask his friends at work about this as well.

Maybe you're referring to REMOTE VILLAGES in India, but surely not all of India.

I just find it offensive when people generalize India snf its nationals in such a light.

I didn't generalize. Where my husband is from they DO have mud huts, no windows, dirt floors, and very little money. I never claimed this is all of India but people are not typically familiar with the areas of India and if I refer to the southern half of India that means nothing to the average person.

Where DH is from, the streets are one in the same with the sewers, the houses are small one room buildings made of adobe, the marriages are arranged by family, and living is quite backwards.

I'm sorry but I do mean exactly what I wrote. If you find this offensive I apologize, but it's true.

AudricIan- I'm shocked, really. It's your choice duh, but I couldn't imagine it. And him not noticing! Where'd you tell him you went, when you went to Mexico? Does he not see the cuts on your body? :x

To the OP- I was wanting RnY and my whole family, DH (who was DB and I lived with him) at the time, has firmly said NO for years. Last Dec I said, I no longer care what they think, I have to do this before I end up diabetic and immobilized like my g'g'ma who was 700+LBs at age 30 and bed ridden and died from diabetes at 35 . I was just gaining & gaining. So I was researching and came across Lap-Band. It eased MY fears drastically. I brought it to my DB and explained it to him. He wasn't real interested, said it's up to me, but he thinks I could do it with a diet (if they could only walk in our shoes). Then I took it to my parents, got approval from everyone who mattered. I did take DB to the first consultation so he would learn about it. He got to hold a lap-band and see how it works. He got to hear the doctor explain what we are to expect afterward. If DH disapproved, I would have still done it. But that's who I am in our relationship. I like his approval, but I am pretty stubborn. Anytime he says no to me, I do it just to prove to him that he can't tell me what I can & can't do. :x :x

He hasn't seen me with my shirt off in a long time. I am ashamed of how I look. We are on opposite schedules, he leaves for work in the morning and takes his shower. I work form home so I take my shower later in the day. He stays up later than me so when I get ready for bed he doesn't see me change my clothes. Our sex life is almost non existant these days, I am so tired (my job his very stressful) and we have two young ones running around. He is pretty understanding about that part (the sex) It hasn't been hard to hide at all, the recovery has been a breeze.

The deception is going to be hard to work through. We have a very good relationship, we never argue or fight and I know he will be upset. I just need to tell him at the right time. I just know him too well and I know he would have not supported any type of surgery at all. I had a breast reduction long before we met and he still goes on about that and how the dr's are butchers just after money. That was like 13 years ago!!! He wasn't even around yet he still likes to put his .02 in. I just didn't want to hear it from him.

I had to do what was right for me, it is my body and my life. I think in the end he will realize that it is better to have me here with him healthy than fat and exhausted.

Oy, if he goes on about a reduction you had before you met, I would not want to be in your shoes right now.

First off, I would not have been able to hide it from my DH even if I wanted to. The first few days I was miserable and in pain, and couldn't bend over, etc.

Good luck with telling him, hopefully it'll all work out!!

The deception is going to be hard to work through. We have a very good relationship, we never argue or fight and I know he will be upset. I just need to tell him at the right time. I just know him too well and I know he would have not supported any type of surgery at all. I had a breast reduction long before we met and he still goes on about that and how the dr's are butchers just after money. That was like 13 years ago!!! He wasn't even around yet he still likes to put his .02 in. I just didn't want to hear it from him.

Be really careful about letting it go on too long. While I don't regret anything I did in the least regarding getting a band, I did let it go on too long. Turns out, he had figured it out.

He travels and is only home every other weekend so the post op diet wasn't difficult. First time he was home I was on clears and he asked why. I told him I had a bad taco from Taco Bell. He obviously didn't question that. Two weeks later when he came home I was on full liquids. He asked why, I told him a little stomach virus. Two weeks after that I was on soft foods and just drank shakes around him.

He was leaving to go out of the country for about six weeks, a trip I was supposed to go on and couldn't due to band problems. As he was walking out the door he finally made a comment about the weight I had lost. I told him him yes, I finally did as he suggested and started a diet. (Grrrrrr) He asked how I was doing it and I held up a can of Atkins and smiled. He looked at me for the longest time and finally said, "Okay, I guess you aren't ready to tell me yet."

I had six MORE weeks to fret over that one.

I really don't regret doing what I had to in order to get a band. But I do regret not telling him sooner. You know that window of opportunity to tell him? Well, the window came and left long before I finally told him. That's the only regret, letting it go on too long. I had never lied to him before that incident. Oh, I waited for better times to tell him things but I never lied to him.

I've been where you are, please... just don't let it go on too long.

Be really careful about letting it go on too long. While I don't regret anything I did in the least regarding getting a band, I did let it go on too long. Turns out, he had figured it out.

He travels and is only home every other weekend so the post op diet wasn't difficult. First time he was home I was on clears and he asked why. I told him I had a bad taco from Taco Bell. He obviously didn't question that. Two weeks later when he came home I was on full liquids. He asked why, I told him a little stomach virus. Two weeks after that I was on soft foods and just drank shakes around him.

He was leaving to go out of the country for about six weeks, a trip I was supposed to go on and couldn't due to band problems. As he was walking out the door he finally made a comment about the weight I had lost. I told him him yes, I finally did as he suggested and started a diet. (Grrrrrr) He asked how I was doing it and I held up a can of Atkins and smiled. He looked at me for the longest time and finally said, "Okay, I guess you aren't ready to tell me yet."

I had six MORE weeks to fret over that one.

I really don't regret doing what I had to in order to get a band. But I do regret not telling him sooner. You know that window of opportunity to tell him? Well, the window came and left long before I finally told him. That's the only regret, letting it go on too long. I had never lied to him before that incident. Oh, I waited for better times to tell him things but I never lied to him.

I've been where you are, please... just don't let it go on too long.

Just until after the holidays. I forgot to tell everyone that a fews months ago we talked about the band. I told him I was going to get the band and he told me that it would ruin my body and leave more horrid scars. I just want to be 100% healed so I can show him that it is nothing like he thought and that for 6 weeks I have been living with the band and he hasn't even noticed a difference in me. That is what it will take to prove myself and that is what I will do. I would love to drop 30lbs and then tell him but I won't wait that long. I don't want to start a conflict before the holidays so I will hold off. Luckily I get to start eating solids on Christmas day.