Food Anxiety

[AK37 26]

Preparing for surgery, I went on many diets. I did >50% raw fruits and vegetables, my doctor said my potassium levels were high and not to eat ANY fruits or vegetables. Then I was told the bloodwork had a mistake and not to worry about my potassium, but no fruit but vegetables were okay. Then it was a zero carb diet. After surgery, it was the high Protein, low crab, sugar free diet we are all familiar with. Deciding to get surgery was a hard decision for me, I have phobias about needles and being cut. Surgery was also very painful because I couldn't take any painkillers after surgery. It's a big deal and I don't want to mess things up. I don't want to do the things that got me to this weight. I don't want to eat the wrong foods. Texture stages aside, my new stomach can't tolerate some foods, like artificial sweeteners. So, Protein Drinks are out. I have a lot of food on my “off limit” list with few foods I feel safe eating. Fruit I can handle great but I see it as "empty calories" because it doesn't help me reach my protien goal and feel guilty when I eat it.
Anyway, long story short, I was eating one can of tuna a day and drinking tea with a little raw sugar. I was taking in under 300 calories and 40 grams of protein a day, and at week 5 I regained 4 pounds. I went to my doctor (who is a bariatric surgeon) and she told that I'm literally starving and that's why I'm gaining weight. After talking with her she said my eating disorder from when I was a teenager is reemerging and I have orthorexic behavior. She told me I need to have 100 grams of protein and 1,000 calories a day. She said she doesn't usually advise her patients to eat sugar, but she wants me to eat more sugar... and add bacon, cheese, crackers, and as much fruit as I want in my diet. She also told me to count my protein but to NOT count the calories in my fruit.
I have so much anxiety about taking in too many calories and not reaching my goal weight. I worry I'm going to mess everything up.

[Orchids&Dragons 9,046]

I wish you well. It sounds like you have a difficult journey. Are you working with a therapist? It really does help.

[BarrySue 602]

Between 10-18 weeks, I started having severe pain, vomiting everything up, and stopped being able to eat entirely. They suspected a stricture, but they also felt like I had such deep anxiety and food issues that I was psyching myself out and vomiting as a reaction to severe stress. I couldn't keep anything down, and Protein drinks were useless. I ended up hospitalized and they couldn't release me until I could eat. So, they gave me Peanut Butter (the regular sugary kind) and crackers, because it was a snack I loved as a child, and they hoped the familiar/nostalgic taste would trigger good feelings and prevent me from throwing up and relearn how to eat without panicking. For awhile, I was told to eat ANYTHING so long as I could keep it down. Priorities at that point became survival, not weight loss.

Also switched to fat free fairlife milk with sugar free strawberry Syrup or heated up with diet cocoa mix. That was how I got my protein for a long, long time until I was able to start eating regularly again. But my nutritional path was different from others, and that's okay.

Just do you, follow your docs, listen to your body, and take a deep breath. Your journey is your own individual thing and that's okay, the destination is still the same as the rest of us. You'll get thee.

[BurBur 113]

I'm so sorry. I have some pretty terrible food aversions myself, but for a very different reason than you. But hating food is not good no matter the reason. Being frightened of food is a bad place to be in your mind. I'm not going to bore you with my own exhausting story, but instead tell you what I'm doing to help myself. I've taken an interest in looking at recipes online. I was pretty lazy prior to surgery with cooking good, meaningful, healthy, quality food. I was a bad mom, letting my family eat frozen pizza, chicken nuggets, french fries, fast food. Basically all kinds of fast, tasty garbage. When I cooked, I cooked like I was feeding an army because I wanted everyone to feel full and have seconds if they wanted. How awful I was about that. I can't change the past, but I'm changing the NOW and the FUTURE. I try to make things that are delicious yet nutritionally sound. Food can be a scary thing for me now, but I try to keep it interesting by investing time and effort into it. I get very happy when my family gives me a thumbs up and kisses for making a new recipe that they want me to make again. I'm struggling with health limitations that have decimated my interest in food. Sometimes it can be so hard to will myself to take a bite of anything because I know it will hurt. Making something to be proud of feels very therapeutic even if I only take one small bite of it. I'm very picky now about ingredients, flavors, quality. I'm not saying this is the right fix for your struggle, but maybe try to find something about food that sparks an interest. Even if you create some lovely fruit art to eat with your vanilla greek yogurt lol! Even if your brain tells you that you WILL NOT eat that food you're thinking of making, make it anyway. If you can't make yourself taste it this time at least explore if you like the smell. See if others like what you made. Feed back from friends and family feels good sometimes.

As for being scared that you might not reach your goals--well, that scares me too. I'm sure a lot of people on these forums will tell you that's always lurking in their mind. It's like a monster under the bed and a really hard thing to deal with. But you HAVE to eat just like I do. You WILL slow your weight loss by refusing to do it. You will watch your hair fall out, your muscles shrivel up. Hug yourself right now. You agreed to surgery because you wanted help with control, you wanted a healthier body, you wanted to be a better person than the one you were before surgery. Don't forget it. Think about that and instead of opening up a can of tuna, gross , make yourself a chicken tenderloin with sesame and garlic. You can even strive for similar calorie goal for now, but make each calorie super delicious! Hug, you can do this.

[AK37 26]

I'm an excellent cook, I make most of my food from scratch. I even make my own vanilla extract and Condiments like mustards. I actually threw away all of my baking ingredients and took up playing video games as a hobby to replace my cooking hobby before surgery.

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[AK37 26]

I have tried cooking some things since surgery, most things are too rich and end up in the bin.

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[BurBur 113]

1 hour ago, AK37 said:

I actually threw away all of my baking ingredients and took up playing video games as a hobby to replace my cooking hobby before surgery.

OH NO! I actually gave up my video game hobby to take up cooking after surgery so I could deal with the actual struggles in my life! food, control of food, quality and quantity of food all a big big deal for me. Video games are diverting for sure, but right now, my opinion, that is just as numbing as any drug in your life and something to be cautious of. Now is not the time to be numb to anything. You're feelings are screaming out and you need to be listening with your whole mind and body.

[AK37 26]

OH NO! I actually gave up my video game hobby to take up cooking after surgery so I could deal with the actual struggles in my life! food, control of food, quality and quantity of food all a big big deal for me. Video games are diverting for sure, but right now, my opinion, that is just as numbing as any drug in your life and something to be cautious of. Now is not the time to be numb to anything. You're feelings are screaming out and you need to be listening with your whole mind and body.

The nutritionist told me to find something to replace my cooking hobby lol

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[AK37 26]

For now, I'm just trying to look at food as weight loss medicine.

Sent from my XT1575 using BariatricPal mobile app

[BurBur 113]

11 hours ago, AK37 said:

The nutritionist told me to find something to replace my cooking hobby lol

Oh no. This makes me so sad. Especially since you are having food aversion issues. And...you admittedly like cooking lovely things. I'd completely understand if post surgery you were struggling with wanting to eat all the time still, or eat poorly and such. But you don't want to eat at all. Well, be careful and keep trying to give yourself things to feel good about.

[Cara-Lea 41]

Please look into eating disorders treatment. You cannot cure an eating disorder by just forcing yourself to eat. You will simply traumatize yourself further by trying to force yourself into something you aren't able to handle. I have been there, and proper treatment is essential for your long term health.