This is a hard post for me to write.

I find myself in what I know is the beginning of an unhealthy pattern. It's only been going on for a couple of weeks but I thought I'd better talk about it here and try and put the pattern to rest.

As I've been pretty honest about all throughout this journey, I'm a binge eater. The band controls my binge desires about 80% of the time, I control another 10%, and 10% of the time the binge still wins. This is usually about 3 binges a month. And, thanks to the band, the quantity of the binge is nothing like pre-band. And, all in all, I still lose weight, as my exercise is solid and my binges are no longer 5,000 calories (they might be 1,000). Then again, some of you may recall the "great airport binge of June 2007" where I ate 8 or 9 bags of skittles between flights. It's a process, this recovery.

Anyway, when I binge, it's as if something else comes over me and it's not really fully me making my food choices. Or, at least, I'm not consciously, deliberately eating like I do when I prepare a healthy meal. I feel the binge coming on -- physically feel it, then at some point, I've given into it and don't even really fully realize I have, and I've gone to the store and eaten skittles, or chips or ice cream, or whatever it is -- it's all very rushed. I'm usually 3/4 of the way through the container before I kind of "wake up" and come back to a full realization of what I'm doing. Until recently, I would still finish the binge (i.e. the container of ice cream, etc.), even once I'd "woken up."

Recently, I've been able to stop the binge much earlier. About 2 weeks ago, I "woke up" in the middle of a Twix bar and I spat it out. I realized I was mid-binge and didn't want that crap in my body! That happened a couple more times -- where I wasn't really consciously eating something, then I became conscious of it and I spat it out and threw away the rest (I'm always alone in a binge, if you were wondering).

Two days ago, I would have said this was progress -- that it was a step toward never going into that unconscious state where I binge for emotional reasons. And that it was a step toward not binging at all.

Then yesterday, I spat food out deliberately -- I ate 3 Cookies in rapid succession knowing full well before I put them in my mouth that I intended to spit them out. I even did a calorie count (knowing that it's not calorie free to masticate). Then I did it again today (with Skittles) and I figured I'd better come write about it before it becomes a real problem. The last thing I want is to go through all of this that I've gone through over the last 18 months and substitute one eating disorder for another.

I've never had the desire to do this with healthy, good food choices. I don't have the desire to be much thinner than I am. I just want the release that I get from chewing crap food. I don't know what that's about or why I get a release from it, but I do.

Confession over, and yes, I promise to discuss it at length with my therapist.

Take care,

Julie, thanks for sharing. I wish there was something I could say to help you. I am fairly new to the band and I must say that you have been an inspiration to me (thanks).

Interesting...I have been thinking about putting the "bad" food choices in my mouth, chew them, then spit it out...I am interested in seeing what the others might have to contribute.

please keep us posted on how you deal with this and how we can help. I wish you well!

OMG, Julie. The binging part of your post could have been about me. A couple of months ago, I ate 4 dozen Cookies (yes that 48 cookies!) without even realizing it until I was on the last 2. And then I figured what's 2 more when you've already had 46?

I too have done the chew and spit routine. I tend to do it when my band is tight and I'm badly craving something that I know won't go down. I really don't think your behavior is all that bad as long as you can keep it down to a couple of times a month like you have with the binging. Is this something you are starting to do almost every day?

It's great you are able to post about it. As Dr Phil says, 'You can't change what you don't acknowledge.'

I think many of us are like this, I am. Sometimes it is our way of reacting to stress, habit, a search for that seratonin rush, or whatever pleasurable centers it triggers in the brain.

Ways to combat it?

We've heard them all before, but the best is....

Keep house clean of 'binge' foods.

Be kind to yourself.

Hugs

Julie,

you are definitely not alone in the binge area ... i just finished a nice month+ long binge (gee - wonder what i was doing when i was 'missing'??? ) we are talking every day.. i'd have something horrid ... it might have been a piece of carrot cake, 2 chocolate bars (never just one), cold stone "gotta have it" sized ice cream... you name it. the only difference i can find is that i intentionally was eating it ... in fact i was kind of like "uck it"... and i think i was at the point i didnt care. i do chew and spit a little bit, but no where near the binge range..

since then i have come to my senses and the support on this board has been enormous in my help.

it took a lot of courage for you to step up and say this. you always have been - and still are - a huge inspiration to me.

C

Thanks to all for your support and kind words. I talked to my therapist at length about it today and I'm feeling a little better. He (who, BTW, specializes in eating disorders) thinks we can use it as a step to not binging at all, whether it arose as a step toward that or not.

I'm going to be really accountable to myself, my therapist, and this thread, but I'm feeling the tide turn. I have a lot going on right now (the marathon on Sunday, major surgery on Thursday, incredible work stress) and I really expect things to calm down within the week. As my therapist said, I've always used food to cope with stress -- I don't know why I expected it to magically be different.

I am strong and healthy. This is not going to get me.

I am strong and healthy. This is not going to get me.

That's right. You've come such an incredibly long way. Nothing is going to get in the way of achieving the body and the life that you want. I have complete faith in you.

Julie, I'm glad you are feeling better about all of this. I want to thank you for this thread, and will keep in touch. I think there are a lot of us that binge problems or tendencies. I don't find myself binging like pre-band, but still make some bad choices on foods.

I can remember after surgery being on a liquid diet, slipping a slice of pizza into my mouth just to savor the flavor, not even chewing. Just letting the flavor drizzle down my throat. And then taking the piece out.

I can see the satisfaction and am glad you are talking about this with your therapist.

For me, I am almost too tight and am dealing with too many episodes of sliming. I am almost back on mushies and liquids to try to resolve this. If it doesn't improve in a few days I will have to "deflate" but I don't want to gain. Arghh!

Yes, you are definitely not alone.

I can stick my hand up here too. I'm perhaps not a true "binge" eater quanity wise, although I can put away a fair bit. But I cannot, absolutely cannot handle some foods in reasonable portions.

Cookies, when I know I want them and when I've decided I'm going to eat them, its a given I'm going to eat 15 of them. I simply cannot, absolutely cannot stop at one or two.

For me, I just accept that this is me, it is always going to be that way and I just feel grateful that it is enough under control that I am not overweight and it was never so bad that I became morbidly obese. Its not every day, its not terribly upsetting to me, I really dont think I do it to disguise any emotions, I just enjoy the act of stuffing my cake hole with delightful sugary carb foods. They cannot be and will never be moderation foods, or everyday foods for me, when I eat them I have consciously decided to OVEREAT them and I know it. For me, I just live with it.

That's probably because I have no idea how I could actually tackle this behaviour.

The band has helped me simply because now I can put those episodes behind me and carry on with healthy eating instead of descending into poor eating for weeks at a time.

Cookies, when I know I want them and when I've decided I'm going to eat them, its a given I'm going to eat 15 of them. I simply cannot, absolutely cannot stop at one or two.

I am the exact same way with chips. 5-->15-->family size bag.

Julie- hang in there. I am a binger as well- stress sets it off and I can totally relate to the out - of control almost mindless feeling of giving into the binge and not realize you are doing it. It sounds like you are trying to modify your behavior with the mastication and by chewing and spitting- getting away from the binges where the calories are there in full force. Possibly this is a needed step before the binges really become rare. Not certain but am glad you feel comfortable discussing the issue.

good luck!

Besides being a binger, I am a super fast eater. A super fast Overeater BINGER. Has been 2 years since I got my band. I will still revert back to something being JUST SO GOOD

I got to eat some more and a little bit more and a little bit more.

PLUS I have taken 6 months off from exercise....

I have finally got off my butt back and started walking/running ............has seemed to help my binging.

We will be thinking about you this coming week. Enjoy the Marathon, hope all goes smooth with the surgery and hopefully the work stress chills for ya!