Tl;dr: Husband says he supports me. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are screaming otherwise. What should I do?

Let me preface this post with a note. My husband is wonderful. Our relationship is healthy and happy, and while I’d change some things, they are tiny things like biting his nails, nothing substantial. We have been together in some form for 14 years and while he might come off in a negative light in this post, that isn’t who he is.

There was a small hiccup and despite being told I was approved earlier in the week, I was actually REALLY approved yesterday. My husband and I were discussing the news last night.

My husband has been against this surgery since the day I told him. When I initially began looking into it, I sat on telling him for nearly 3 months, making sure it was what I wanted before I told him. He is amazing at arguing a point and I didn’t want to have my mind changed unless his arguments were amazing. Once he realized I was in this 100%, he told me that he didn’t agree with the decision, but he’d support me completely and be there for me.

I…I don’t feel that he has. He hasn’t gone to a single support meeting with me, though I have asked him to. He went to one doctor’s visit, but that was after I browbeat and begged him to come. My first visit had been a disaster. The entire waiting room was filled with patients and +1’s. I was literally the only person that day who was there alone. I actually broke down crying when the nurse took me back. Having him there the second visit made a world of difference for me and my mental health, and I think it helped him understand that while he has issues, this surgery is about as safe as many others and I am a great candidate.

I feel unable to talk to him about the topic. If I broach it, he discusses it as pleasantly as possible, but his body language just screams “I DON’T AGREE WITH THIS.”

After telling him my good approval news, I asked him point blank if this was the right choice, mostly hoping to allay my anxiety. He let out a really drawn out sigh and then told me he still didn’t think it was and that I was making a lifetime commitment for cosmetic reasons. I explained again that while the cosmetic thing was a nice bonus, this was being done so I could live a long and healthy life without major health issues. His reply was “well those years at the end would suck anyway.” He also argued that instead of taking pills for being sick, I’d take pills to remain healthy. I tried to argue the difference between taking vitamins vs taking insulin or heart medication, but as mentioned above, he’s REALLY good at arguing a point, so I let it go.

To be fair, the blame on asking him a direct question and getting a direct answer is on me. I don’t begrudge him telling me the truth. It just really hurt to hear him say it. This is happening. He knows this is happening. He has voiced his concerns multiple times and I’ve tried to quell them by using science and facts. Would it really hurt for him to give me little white lies when he knows this is an inevitability? I asked him if he’d visit me when I was recovering at the hospital and when he asked how long I’d be there and I told him probably a day and a half, he said “Yeah, I’d have to pick you up and drop you off anyway.” That…that’s kind of crushing to hear. You guess you might drop in on your wife? For someone who claims to support me and my decision 100%, that feels oddly unsupportive. It would be nice to wake up and see him there. My friends have already told me to tell them when I’d be in the hospital so they can visit. Meanwhile, I have to ask my husband to make an appearance?

At the end of the conversation, he said “we’ll figure this out.” Honestly, I almost cried. He said WE, not me. I pointed out how nice it felt to hear him as being on the same team and he ruined the moment by saying “well, I don’t have much of a choice, do I?”

The moment he said “we” instead of singling me out felt amazing, like we were a team and I had my partner and best friend on my side. This is a huge undertaking and it would be amazing to have him there instead of dragging his feet.

I don’t know what to do guys. Am I reading too much into all of this? For as long as I have known him, he has always been very outspoken against elective surgery. I’m healthy (now) and this isn’t medically necessary (yet). I’m just not going to be able to convince him that this is the right decision for me unless I have a serious medical condition related to weight happen. I’m not waiting for my body to break before I make repairs. If he says he supports me, should I take it at face value? Should I stop bothering him with this and keep him out of the loop? The friends I have told have been wonderful, should I just rely on them and not bother him with this?

I have a husband a lot like yours. His opinion of my surgery has been "I don't think you need it, but I can't stop you." In general he's a very reticent, no-nonsense, non-touchy-feely person. He was DEFINITELY worried about the risks of surgery, and also a little disbelieving that it was the only way I could accomplish my goals.

My mother is my support. She comes to many of my clinic appointments with me, she was there in the hospital when I had surgery, she's my workout buddy... She is 100% on board with my surgery and is happy I went through with it, and did everything in her power to get me there. But then, she is married to my father, who is obese like me and now has type 2 diabetes and everything else. She knows first hand what obesity can lead to, and obviously she's motivated to not have me go through what my dad has.

When I came home from surgery, my husband cleaned house, brought me my protein drinks, and cared for our kids. He took a week off work just to keep the household running. He didn't participate in my pre-surgery process, but he was supportive in his own way, which was not letting me crash and burn once I'd made my mind up and gone through with this thing.

His attitude definitely gets on my nerves or is disheartening sometimes, as he can be very hard to talk to about my insecurities and fears because he doesn't do platitudes or white lies either. When I was having a bad pain day he straight up said "you chose to do this" so I totally get it!

But I think I have come to appreciate that his disagreeing with me but butting out... IS a form of support. It's not super involved cheerleading, but it is making an effort to respect my autonomy. He's not sabotaging me. He's not pleading with me or fighting me or discouraging me. If he's having those thoughts, he's actively keeping them to himself because he knows this is what I want for myself and it's my right to do it. My experience on bariatric forums seems to be that having surgery as a wife sometimes brings out the absolute WORST in some husbands. I'll take my dude making a concerted effort to stay neutral and mind his own business.

So after all that, I'd say... find the kind of cheerleading support you need elsewhere. A family member, a friend, or maybe in a bariatric support group (we have a great local one, some of the ladies in it even came and visited me in hospital after!) Let your husband support you in his own way. Certainly don't put up with put downs, sabotage, and nastiness, but maybe alter your expectations and acknowledge what he IS doing. My man didn't go to my clinic appointments or encourage my choice the way my mother did, but he did stay on top of my pain med schedule!

Another benefit to finding support elsewhere... sometimes your husband will come around on his own. Case in point: my husband doesn't dance. He refuses. Even at our wedding, he only did the one obligatory dance. Not his thing. So when I joined a local swing dancing class in an attempt to get active and make new friends, I invited a girlfriend along with me to be my dance buddy! And low and behold, a couple months in, here comes my husband asking if I'd like him to go to a couples class! After all that time badgering him and cajoling him and begging him and telling him he was hurting my feelings by not dancing with me... I just went my own way and suddenly he felt left out!

Hi,

Sometimes when someone begins to lose weight, the other people around can become insecure, or even jealous.

It is unsettling when someone begins to change in attitude and appearence. Relationships are so important and surgery

causes a lot of anxiety. My family and friends were not happy with my decision I had them research statistics and even my

surgeon. This is for you its a personal good luck

@teacupnosaucer - Holy crap, your reply...if you didn't live in Canada, I'd be mad right now for my husband clearly living a double life and being married to you as well. You just described him to a t!

Now quick, what are his hobbies? What does he look like? Let's make sure we're not getting played here.

Seriously though, thanks for your reply. Hearing your story from someone who married someone with my husband's demeanor is really helpful!

1 hour ago, jessgnc said:

@teacupnosaucer - Holy crap, your reply...if you didn't live in Canada, I'd be mad right now for my husband clearly living a double life and being married to you as well. You just described him to a t!

Now quick, what are his hobbies? What does he look like? Let's make sure we're not getting played here.

Seriously though, thanks for your reply. Hearing your story from someone who married someone with my husband's demeanor is really helpful!

He likes reality tv (storage wars, gold mining shows, fishing shows, trucking shows...), golfing, and wearing ugly sweatpants LOL. Oh and he really really likes going to movies with me and then saying "it was okay" even if it was obvious he was delighted the entire time.

1 minute ago, teacupnosaucer said:

He likes reality tv (storage wars, gold mining shows, fishing shows, trucking shows...), golfing, and wearing ugly sweatpants LOL. Oh and he really really likes going to movies with me and then saying "it was okay" even if it was obvious he was delighted the entire time.

Oh alright. You've got a different model than I do then! Mine is super nerdy. He does enjoy sweatpants though. He's also super stoic with movies. The only times I know if he liked a movie/restaurant/etc is when he is describing it to someone else!

Mine is also SUPER annoyed when I talk about him online. HI SWEETIE I LOVE YOU!

You know, after reading all of these posts, I think that "support," means different things to different people. For instance, I think my husband has been very supportive of my WLS. He was surprised when I first told him I was going to do it (I didn't tell him I had been researching it), but he told me that he was 100% behind me if I decided to go through with it. This said, he did not attend one appointment at the clinic with me (nor did I expect him to), nor did he take any time off from work to stay home to take care of me (nor did I expect him to). My husband is not the nurturing type when it comes to these things and I knew enough to ask my daughter (who is very nurturing), if she could come and take care of me upon my release from the hospital. She brought me my shakes/liquids, etc., knew what time I had to take my meds, etc. My husband knew nothing about what was due when, but when he asked me how I was feeling, it felt great to me. I don't wan to give the impression that my husband is a jerk, because he's certainly not -- in fact, I won the lottery in the husband department. It's just that he's not nurturing when it comes to sickness (his rule when the kids were growing up was if they weren't running at least 100 degree fever, they went to school). So, some of you reading this may think that I have the most unsupportive spouse in the world, while I think he's great. It's all a matter of opinion, which is what makes the world go 'round, really.

Bunny