So I'm 22 and have never been on a date before. I decided to try POF (online dating) and have guys messaging me now. I've been interested in a few and they always ask why I'm single. I like to be honest so I tell the ones I'm really interested in that I was shy and overweight most of my life (or something like that) and that I recently had VSG. Some take it well, others don't ( I don't really care lol)

My problem is that this is completely uncharted territory for me, and I'm just not sure how to act. I don't really want it to be obvious that I've never dated when we go out. Because I have no idea how to be with someone as more than friends.

It's bad enough to deal with that, but I'm also hesitant because I have quite a bit of loose skin. Most guys in their 20s aren't used to this being an issue. It has become my biggest insecurity now. But I don't want that to hold me back either...

Any advice for me? Anyone else experience this?

@@Steph0625, a number of the others said "fun" right off. I apologize for having taken a more serious route only.

Yes, FUN. Have fun. You're beginning to explore a new realm, so think of it as an adventure. Not only will you be learning more about the male persuasion and the ways that males and females relate to each other, but you'll be discovering things about yourself that you may not have known or only guessed at.

Now some serious stuff.

There's a theory that the serious, sincere, stable, safe men use dating sites that charge a fee. I don't know which sites are which, but it seems something to consider. All those "S" words sound dull, but I think you know what I mean. It's about your safety.

Back to "how to act." You can't go too far wrong if you act as yourself and are true to your personality.

Edited July 26, 20169 yr by WLSResources/ClothingExch

I was 30 when I went on my first real date. I wish I would've started this at 22. I just have a real problem communicating in person. I can communicate well electronically but not personally. I'm not good at small talk and starting conversations. It is also seems that as a man I'm the one who is supposed to approach a woman and that is frightening to me. I keep reminding myself of what my mother told me about bees. They're just as afraid of you as you are of them.

Ehh don't worry about your insecurities, go out have fun that's what dating is all about. If they don't like you for who you are or what you have been through then don't worry about them its their loss.

Dating is hard. I've been through this. I was always too insecure to put myself out there. I think majority of girls have this problem though. Post op or not. I don't think you are ever completely secure going on your first date ( or even dates coming after that). When you go on a date, you don't know the person and how they are going to react to you. Once again, whether your post up or not. You have bad dates and you have good dates that's just something you have to expect. You have dates that you'll never talk to again after the dates is over. That's just how it is. As for the extra skin, just wear what you feel amazing in! That will give you the confidence you. If you guys don't hit it off, oh well. Just like how you shrug off the the men who don't take the 'why are you single' question wrong. Don't worry so much about the opinion of your date. You're there to find someone who loves and respects you. If they don't, oh well moving on.

On 7/26/2016 at 10:27 AM, Steph0625 said:

I'm pretty sure I have resting b*tch face when I'm at the gym

Sexy!

So, uh, how did you meet your wife?

Oh dude, I was at the gym and there she was, sweating with this resting b***h face! Love at first sight man!

Edited April 20, 20179 yr by Navigating the Wilderness

Dating is hard so I personally have given up on it. Doesn't seem to be worth the effort and I can't even get a date. Emailed 117 different women and not a single response. I'm trying this at 32. OP is only 22 so there is still hope. I decided to foster animals for a local shelter. All the companionship I need right there.

Dating is hard so I personally have given up on it. Doesn't seem to be worth the effort and I can't even get a date. Emailed 117 different women and not a single response. I'm trying this at 32. OP is only 22 so there is still hope. I decided to foster animals for a local shelter. All the companionship I need right there.

Why don't you start going to the animal shelter volunteer/fundraiser events? They tend to be crawling with single ladies.

To be honest though, from reading your poats, it sounds like part of the issue is confidence. Unless you're copy and pasting the worst message ever or only messaging yoga-instructor-models, I can't imagine you didn't get at least one reply out of 117.

10 hours ago, ursusmaritimus said:

Why don't you start going to the animal shelter volunteer/fundraiser events? They tend to be crawling with single ladies.

To be honest though, from reading your poats, it sounds like part of the issue is confidence. Unless you're copy and pasting the worst message ever or only messaging yoga-instructor-models, I can't imagine you didn't get at least one reply out of 117.

Meeting strange people face to face does not work for me. I had been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder in the past before I even gained weight. I'm much more comfortable talking online. Once I can build a relationship online, I can then move face to face. All my email messages are different. I always ask about something in their profile. The women I email I would consider normal. I search for ones who identify themselves as curvy or full figured. Some have even written in their profile they're trying to lose weight. I can tell they read my message, read my profile, and then nothing.

I'm weird so my approaches were:

- Don't ever date. If I just wanted a one-nighter with someone, don't need a dating facade to get some. Be nice, show interest, and an interested woman will come forth.

- The best relationships I've always been in, i knew the person well in advance of taking that step.

I think of the dating scene to be far too much like a job interview. People always put their best foot forward. I think of it as phony. Then PersonA gets involved with PersonB, they believe what they experienced on the date is going to be what they get in an actual relationship. They wind up finding out that's far from the case.. most can't handle that. I sure as hell couldn't. People play games, mind gymnastics, etc. because they don't know the other person, or because they're scumbags. I've been engaged 3 times and all 3 times I knew the person well.. each relationship lasted about 5 years before this one -- only once have I been married and I'm happily in my 7th year of marriage.

I just never saw the dating scene as fun. I'd much rather be alone and tug the timber or deal with an occasional one nighter, or just chill with friends, than waste money and time on fake people. Far better things to do.

The loose skin thing is hard for me too, I have had nightmares about it! LOL! Plus I am shy- eek!!

But anyway...I will tell you what my Mom told me.

My Mom told me that guys only expect you to "be there" and "smell good" ...

My mom never had a problem with attracting men. (and Mom had lots of extra skin)

I don't think anyone who cares about you will give a hoot if you have saggy skin- they will be thrilled you are there and want them!

Good luck- try to have as much fun as you can right now- your twenties should be for fun, learning who you are, and what the world is all about.

Hug

I lost over 100lbs within a year when I was in college, from 300lbs to 190lbs. At 21, all that weight loss gave me a huge boost of confidence, even with my loose skin. It was never a sensitive or embarrassing subject for me to discuss my weightloss, I was proud for having lost weight and wanted to show it off lol. So I had a lot of fun, going out with friends, and hooking up with guys. Ended up in a relationship with my crush (who had known me before my weightloss). And now I'm here, 25 years old, 2 kids, a fiance, and 100+ pounds heavier lol.

Anyways, moral of my story is to allow yourself to be confident, feel sexy. You worked hard for your body. Be proud of it. Allow yourself to be open to others and if they happen to ask about your weightloss, be confident in sharing your journey. Most people will see you as an inspiration. Sure, Not everyone is going to respond because some people are just shallow assholes. But guaranteed you'll find someone that will. Good luck!

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Also, before my weight loss, I had never dated or hooked up with anyone either. So it was totally uncharted territory for me. I played with online dating for a bit and it was a good confidence booster. But the real fun started when I was going out with friends, going to partys, clubs, bars.... In all honesty, I was a hot mess for a while haha. But I had a lot fun, learned a lot of things, discovered a different side of me and explored a new side of life that was totally foreign. There's really no guide on how to put yourself out there, you just have to do it and see what happens.

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POF. IS HORRIBLE! MEET PEOPLE NATURALLY GO OUT AND HAVE FUN YOU ARE YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL!

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Pof sucks

I'm creeping up on 30 and I've literally been on like, one date. He was this seemingly badass guy. I got there and watched him play some stupid basketball game, then we watched freaking Planet of the Apes with a bottle of wine I brought and when he went for it at the end I shut him down with an awkward side hug. I was mildly disgusted.

Am I a total b***h? I was just so put off.

I had sex when I was maybe 275lbs? But I just wanted to have sex for the sake of saying I'd had sex. I've never done it at a healthy weight or really a healthy mentality of what a good guy is like. I just wanted someone that wasn't going to reject me because of my weight. He'd seen pictures and stuff of me before blah blah, so I knew he wouldn't reject me for how I looked. The whole situation ended up being a mess and I had to threaten to call the police to get him to back off, so neither my sex nor dating history is awesome.

Are there any inspiring learned-to-date-after-surgery stories out there?