Okay. Maybe not.

Well. Here's the thing.

I have been in therapy before so I know this about myself. I have a fear of success. I can be on the brink of something big, but then I will allow myself to retreat and hide.

I have been on diets. I lost 80 or so lbs on my own. But then I quickly put that back on. I have tried so many things that have given me results but then I get into a self-defeating mindset and I crash and burn.

My surgery is scheduled for 4/29. Of course, I want to sabotage myself by going off my pre-op diet. I won't because I feel the sleeve will be the tool to break my sabotaging habits. I will miss being able to eat a double cheeseburger, large fries, and large coke, but I won't miss busting through clothes, feeling awkward in my body, and the general pains that go with obesity.

Sigh.

Sent from my SM-G360T using the BariatricPal App

I totally understand the self-sabotage. I do the same myself. And then when I am rejected or fail, I blame it on the weight and not the real me. Every time things get hard, I run. But this will be our chance for a do-over and break that chain. I am an introvert by nature, so maybe this makes it easier for me to stay in my fat shell. We have each other for support and there are so many people who understand how we feel and what we are going through. We have never had these tools before.

My surgery is scheduled for 5/25.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

I have been in therapy before so I know this about myself. I have a fear of success. I can be on the brink of something big, but then I will allow myself to retreat and hide.

My surgery is scheduled for 4/29. Of course, I want to sabotage myself by going off my pre-op diet. I won't because I feel the sleeve will be the tool to break my sabotaging habits. I will miss being able to eat a double cheeseburger, large fries, and large coke, but I won't miss busting through clothes, feeling awkward in my body, and the general pains that go with obesity.

Sigh.

How much will I win if I bet that your therapy diploma reads, "Came in saying 'I'm afraid of failure' and learned to say the opposite?" Because I've been there and have seen the movie dozens of times, it's with appreciation that I say your thinking is as disordered as your eating habits have been.

Being afraid of success is one thing, but it becomes monumental when the fear is worn like a badge. It's an obstacle, but it isn't your identity. If you keep leading with the fear, you'll always stumble over yourself. Failing may not be the most painful experience, but the disappointment is always palpable because, even when we lie to ourselves, the truth gnaws somewhere deep inside. What do you think might happen when, on the "brink of something big," you demand that you keep moving forward into the expected agony? Bruises from falling forward or backward are still bruises. The secret is that the forward fall doesn't really bruise. Sure, it may present new challenges and you may even not quite recognize yourself, but that's what the therapist is for. Same for people you get to know who share the fears.

There's something else you can do this moment to prove that you have a choice. Choose to cancel surgery. You don't have to have surgery if you don't want it. You don't have to pressure yourself. No, no, no, I don't really mean to pick up the phone, but just let yourself recognize your autonomy. Do name the reasons you want to proceed until you believe yourself. You named some excellent reasons already. Expand on the list with pen, paper and a notebook that you can have forever. Add to the list as new goals and reasons come to mind and check of the ones that you achieve as you go along.

People often talk about not wanting to give up the huge cheeseburgers and fries. It makes no sense, though, that, once those things become painful to eat, their appeal lives on. You won't mourn anything that makes you sick. This doesn't preclude a civilized cheeseburger, or at an appropriate time, a few fries now and then. But that's down the road. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Back to fear of success. Don't use the overwhelming sound of the phrase to thwart yourself. You can use the past experiences as reminders to cut things into steps to take. The energy that historically has gone into retreating can most certainly be pressed into moving ahead. It's all the same energy. It's incorrect that "...the sleeve will be the tool to break my sabotaging habits." Surgery is a tool for weight-loss, not for adopting new attitudes and behaviors. A tough woman has the power to redirect her energy. You already know that you're tough from all the energy you've expended.

Kooky1, I do hope you flirt with looking at things differently. You'll feel stronger and more capable and competent than ever and that is such an amazing thing. (Had I more time, this note would have been shorter and organized.)