Had my stress test and scope to check for hernias (and did have a sliding hiatal hernia) and the nut meeting where I got my supplements and Protein powders today. Surgery is scheduled for Dec. 18th.

I'll have to do pre-op registration at the hospital about a week out and they'll be split billing me - the hernia surgery should be covered by my insurance with a max of $1,000 out of pocket, and I'll have to pay around 13K for my sleeve. My insurance technically would have covered bariactrics with a few easy to meet requirements, except my ~lovely~ company specficially excluded it from their policy so I'm paying everything out of pocket.

Despite being a smoker for over 20 years (quit recently) my lungs were great, and there were no problems with my heart either. I also should be happy they found a hernia as that knocked off close to 3K from the total bill since insurance will cover that part.

But I got really anxious during the scope procedure as the numbing agent worked a bit too well and I was completely unable to swallow and started choking and at one point I felt like I couldn't stop and my throat hurt really bad the rest of the day. All I could think of on the way home is that I'm just going to throw my money away on this and how it is my fault I can't get my weight under control so maybe I deserve to be fat and sick and die early. (I'm also feeling a wee bit depressed as my birthday is coming up and this has really been a crappy year and I won't be celebrating at all).

How to move past the feelings of self-doubt and stop worrying about the money?

you DO NOT deserve to be sick and die early!! c'mon, you don't really believe that.

i'm in awe that you quit smoking after 20 years! that's amazing, congratulations!

why won't you be celebrating your birthday? there are many ways to Celebrate that don't include eating and imbibing. i mean, what's so special about going out on the town, you can do that any day... but how often do you give yourself a gift like you are giving yourself this year? this is the start of a whole new episode in your life, and you deserve to smile and anticipate it happily, looking forward to feeling better, being able to do more, and living to celebrate many more birthdays.

I think it's a rare person who doesn't have nerves!

Have you considered going to Mexico where your cost would be MUCH, as in 50% or more, lower? They will do the hernia repair too. Just something to consider.

The depression and self loathing part is quite awful and I know it's screwy thinking. I usually am able to stop that really bad stuff from looping in my head... I know I'll need to seek counseling at some point as it's definitely not healthy to think that way.

I keep telling myself it's just nerves. I'm definitely going through with it, but I do have feelings of self doubt and low self esteem and tend to be a worrywart. So it's kind of good to get all that junk out now and then hopefully be fully on board and ready to go once the date gets here.

I thought about going the Mexico route for about 5 minutes but it really makes me uncomfortable leaving the country to get this, so I'm okay with the cost for a US surgery.

Thank you both for the support and commentary - it's a hard road to walk alone sometimes!