So last night I went to dinner with an old friend who had moved out of state. I wasn't going to tell her about my upcoming surgery but we got on the topic of weight and so I let the cat out of the bag...big mistake. She was saying that she has eaten so much on her vacation and was thinking she will probably gain weight.

Anyway, she said "Alfie, when you really want to lose the weight, you will" and "when you set your mind to it, you'll do it" and "you have to lose weight with those co morbities, so you really need to do it". I answered her at first but then I thought what the heck I'll just let her talk. I know she meant well and doesn't understand. I felt like she was basically saying that I've not tried hard enough to lose the weight and that was frustrating. With over a hundred pounds to lose and being 60 years old with a 30+ year constant struggle, those words just got me totally annoyed.

Rant officially over!! Thanks for reading.

She was right... you need to do all those things... and WLS is the tool you've chosen to succeed where others have failed. You might tell her that the next time you meet up for lunch. Hopefully you'll be a lot thinner, and give her something to think about.

Edited October 4, 201411 yr by labwalker

So last night I went to dinner with an old friend who had moved out of state. I wasn't going to tell her about my upcoming surgery but we got on the topic of weight and so I let the cat out of the bag...big mistake. She was saying that she has eaten so much on her vacation and was thinking she will probably gain weight.

Anyway, she said "Alfie, when you really want to lose the weight, you will" and "when you set your mind to it, you'll do it" and "you have to lose weight with those co morbities, so you really need to do it". I answered her at first but then I thought what the heck I'll just let her talk. I know she meant well and doesn't understand. I felt like she was basically saying that I've not tried hard enough to lose the weight and that was frustrating. With over a hundred pounds to lose and being 60 years old with a 30+ year constant struggle, those words just got me totally annoyed.

Rant officially over!! Thanks for reading.

Rant away Alfie. You know what you need for successful long term weight loss. Your friend means well but doesn't understand. I was in such a bad state prior to my surgery that you would also presume I would have 'the mindset' to lose weight. I tried for a year and lost a total of 25 lbs. After a year being banded, I lost around 100 lbs. Now, 9 months later, I am mobile where I was once bed ridden. I went from a size 26 pants to a size 6. I am planning a trip to China...something I thought I'd never have the ability to do. I'm wearing makeup again...dresses, shoes with heels, and I get manicures again. I look and feel better now at the age of 56 than I did ten years ago when I started having knee issues. I swim and bike at the Y. I am normal again. There is no way I could have done any of this without having WLS. Hang in there.....remember you are doing this for your quality of life.

I see that you are from NY. If you are near NYC or the surrounding suburbs, please feel free to come to our face to face support group meetings. If you want info on them, just PM me.

She was right... you need to do all those things... and WLS is the tool you've chosen to succeed where others have failed. You might tell her that the next time you meet up for lunch. Hopefully you'll be a lot thinner, and give her something to think about.

That would have been a great answer and so true too. Thank you!!

Every time I read a story like this (thank you for this one, Alfie) it validates my decision not to tell my closest friends about my WLS and recommits me to keeping them in the dark.

They are all fit and fab with ZERO comprehension about the metabolic, psychological, medical, or any other aspects of what it's like to overcome having been overweight / obese since childhood.

"Just eat less and exercise more!" is all they understand. They are lifelong string Beans and runners who wear sizes 2-6. They know what works for them and assume that everyone else's body and mind operates the same ways theirs do.

Yes, on this topic I would enjoy sharing with them the transparency and intimacy we have on other topics about which we DO share common knowledge. But recently I've observed that their ignorance and insensitivity on this subject is vaster than I'd ever fathomed.

No way am I going there with them.

Every time I read a story like this (thank you for this one, Alfie) it validates my decision not to tell my closest friends about my WLS and recommits me to keeping them in the dark.

They are all fit and fab with ZERO comprehension about the metabolic, psychological, medical, or any other aspects of what it's like to overcome having been overweight / obese since childhood.

"Just eat less and exercise more!" is all they understand. They are lifelong string Beans and runners who wear sizes 2-6. They know what works for them and assume that everyone else's body and mind operates the same ways theirs do.

Yes, on this topic I would enjoy sharing with them the transparency and intimacy we have on other topics about which we DO share common knowledge. But recently I've observed that their ignorance and insensitivity on this subject is vaster than I'd ever fathomed.

No way am I going there with them.

thanks for your reply. It's so true; they just don't understand because it's not what they go through at all.

I am going to be trying to keep this to myself moving forward.

Just saw another post about someone who got pressured into telling 13 opinionated co-workers about her WLS. And now she's fielding all their opinions, not all of which are favorable to WLS.

And she's feeling not great about the situation she's created.

http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/320953-getting-annoyed-and-being-sensitive/

All we really have to do is keep our mouths shut.

This is going to come out all wrong, but it is very clear to me that many (most?) of us overweight/obese people are under tremendous pressure to explain to those who are critical of our overweight about our enormous efforts to become healthier.

I think we should stop spilling our guts to everyone and just stonewall.

Edited October 4, 201411 yr by VSGAnn2014

Just saw another post about someone who got pressured into telling 13 opinionated co-workers about her WLS. And now she's fielding all their opinions, not all of which are favorable to WLS.

And she's feeling not great about the situation she's created.

http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/320953-getting-annoyed-and-being-sensitive/

All we really have to do is keep our mouths shut.

This is going to come out all wrong, but it is very clear to me that many (most?) of us overweight/obese people are under tremendous pressure to explain to those who are critical of our overweight about our enormous efforts to become healthier.

I think we should stop spilling our guts to everyone and just stonewall.

that really stinks. I feel her pain. She has all these people against her decision. Maybe best to just shut down and not say another word to them.

Thank you for your post, it helps me to know to keep my mouth shut!!

I have another issue that will come up. I hate to keep surgery from my three sons. One I definately can't keep it from because he lives upstairs from me. I trust him completely and also his wife. I trust my other sons too but just two of the three wifes. The other one feels the need to tell the world everything about me and everyone else soooo I think I'm going to just tell my one son and his wife. Any thoughts?

This is not so much about your weight as it is your health and quality of life. Information should be given out on a "need to know" basis, and other than the people who will be supportive in your recovery, no one really needs to know.

I'm laying my $5 on the table now and betting: If you tell any of them, all of them will find out.

I was going to say the same thing as labwalker. you are doing something about it. and surgery isn't the easy way out. good luck on surgery hope you heal quickly

I'm laying my $5 on the table now and betting: If you tell any of them, all of them will find out.

lol you may be right. Ever since my husband passed away 3 years ago I call them "My 3 Dads"

Just saw another post about someone who got pressured into telling 13 opinionated co-workers about her WLS. And now she's fielding all their opinions, not all of which are favorable to WLS.

And she's feeling not great about the situation she's created.

http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/320953-getting-annoyed-and-being-sensitive/

All we really have to do is keep our mouths shut.

This is going to come out all wrong, but it is very clear to me that many (most?) of us overweight/obese people are under tremendous pressure to explain to those who are critical of our overweight about our enormous efforts to become healthier.

I think we should stop spilling our guts to everyone and just stonewall.

What really pisses me off is other WLS folk who choose to share and are judgemental towards those of us who don't. We aren't liars, we aren't ashamed, we just don't feel the need to explain, justify or be defined by this decision.

Sorry. Off topic.

Edited October 4, 201411 yr by LipstickLady

There are two kinds of people (well, there are about 40 billion sets of two kinds of people), but ....

... there's two kinds of people: (1) those people who have so little appreciation for the variety of human beings that they assume everyone else is exactly like them, with the same values, careers, families, personalities, bosses, coworkers, upsides, downsides, cultures, etc. and that their own kneejerk solution is a perfect fit for everyone else's problems and (2) those people who aren't stupid.

I got guilted into telling my parents (by someone who is no longer a friend because of this). My mother promptly told her sister who told her daughter. I play words with friends with this daughter. She commented to me "congratulations on your lap band". I didn't have a lap band. And this illustrates why I did not want to tell my parents. Now the entire Stewart/Lynch side of the family knows my business.

So tell the people you want to tell, but don't give into pressure to tell anyone you don't want to. And know that if someone in your family is a gossip everyone is going to know.