Ok. I want to preface this post by saying I am completely aware of what I have been doing. I am not looking for absolution nor am I asking for anyone to feel sorry for me. I write it to be 100% honest with myself and hopefully help anyone else who may be in a similar situation. I don't do it to belittle myself, I do it in hopes to inspire myself to change. The written word can be a great motivator. I am pulling back the covers, opening the drapes to my destructive behaviors with great hope of squashing some of my demons....

I have been on an emotional roller coaster for months now. It is quite possible I bamboozled my psych evaluation into believing I had a grip on this whole process. Truth is the only person I think I really fooled was myself. This has been so hard for me. I was 100% in when I started it all, yet with time I find myself slipping further down the rabbit hole. Back in August I started the process of being approved for surgery, and at that time I put myself on a diet. I switched to eating a bariatric type diet. My goal was to get used to the food, although I did not particularly care about the quantity. Well that was enough to get me down 33lbs before I ever hit the operating table. Yet I remember how badly I was struggling right before I went into my pre op liquid diet. It was getting harder and harder to make the right decisions. I managed to pull myself up by my bootstraps and hang on for dear life going into the liquid diet and I stuck to it, 100% for 10 days. No cheating. After the third day it actually became a lot easier and stopped being as hard. ( I was in true ketosis at this point) Anyway, post op I thought I had the tiger by the tail. I had great restriction. I could barely get a full protein shake down a day. Slowly, as the swelling went down I could tolerate more. I remember it taking me half an hour to eat a scrambled egg. It was great. Food was to nourish me, just for fuel. But the honeymoon was soon over. By about two months out I started to notice my tolerances for things were great. Nothing was hard to eat. And the greatest problem was I noticed I could eat more before feeling full. ( By the way- I was NOT one of those lucky folks who loss the hunger. Nope. I feel real, physical hunger along with the ever present head hunger.) I tried valiantly to remain on course. I eat lean protein first, but I started being able to eat a larger portion of it. I know, I know...That is the reason we are to measure our food. I will be honest in the fact I haven't. I never bought a scale, just eyeballed it as I went. It worked fine at first, until my eyeballs got bigger!! LOL

Anyway, over the months I have struggled. I have ate sliders. I have fought myself not to graze. I struggle between being proud of how much I have loss, and feeling like a failure I haven't loss more. I do the one thing I absolutely should not do, I compare. My friend who was sleeved 12/17 (two months after me) has lost over 120lbs. Soon he will be smaller than I am!!!! ( he is now only about 35lbs away from me) Yes I know in my head all the reasons he (as a male) has lost faster, but that doesn't change my twinges of jealousy. It has helped further my depression issues. I waffle between good days and bad days. I feel like I am losing at this too, even though it isn't a done deal. Today is one of the "bad" days, maybe why I am on here baring my soul. I feel fat today, even though ( by the grace of GOD) I haven't gained weight. Ok, and I am also having PMS - doesn't help.

So...as I sit here writing this and feeling a bit sorry for myself I am also coming up with a plan for change. I am setting a short term goal. Not a weight loss goal per se, although it will most likely result in loss. For the entire month of June I resolve to eat clean. I am going back to protein shakes and eating smaller portions. I am not going to graze and I will refuse to put a slider in my mouth. This may seem obvious to most of you, but to me it is a huge hurdle to clear to get back on the right path. I need to push reset and get my head in the game. I have a vacation planned in July and I want to be on top of my game before we hit the road. It will be hard enough to stay on track those days, but if I don't get a handle on things now it will be impossible. I have done this before, I have to do it now. The negative thoughts and impulses have to be pushed away.

That is my story. I write it hoping that I can clear the air, my head and heart and start fresh. I suspicion others may have similar thoughts or feelings or struggles and maybe this will help them come to terms with it too. I am human and I am not perfect, but I owe it to myself to do the best for me I can. And this is my pledge to do so.

Good for you!! I truly admire your honesty with yourself. Somehow writing things makes them clearer and less foggy, at least for me. I haven't had my surgery yet; I am ecstatic that I'm able to do this yet I still worry a bit about head hunger.

It's always good to get things out. Making lifelong commitments are difficult and I can only assume it's normal to have good and bad days. I'm glad you were able to verbalize your frustration - good luck!