Weight loss surgery is difficult, to say the least. The operation takes place after years or a lifetime of being obese and after months of research and preparation. Recovery can be anywhere from “not too bad” to riddled with complications. Nearly every aspect of your lifestyle changes, from your diet to the way you look to your relationships to your mental state. The entire experience is long and challenging, no matter how rewarding.

BariatricPal recognizes the challenges of being in the weight loss surgery community. You need every bit of support and information you can get to choose the best surgery for yourself, prepare for surgery, lose weight, and get healthy for the long term. The peer-to-peer support that BariatricPal members provide can be among the most powerful tools you have to help you achieve your goals. So please, help build the community up instead of tearing it down.

Potential for a Powerful, Unified Community

Our weight loss surgery communities began as WLSBoards, with four separate forums: LapBandTalk, VerticalSleeveTalk, RNYTalk, and SleevePlicationTalk. Each forum was dedicated to a single type of weight loss surgery. Members could discuss surgeons, diets, complications, and anything else related to weight loss surgery in general or the specific type of weight loss surgery in particular.

Then we merged the four WLSBoards to create BariatricPal, which is geared toward all types of weight loss surgery. This decision was based on the following beliefs.

• We are all in this together. We have the same goal of fighting obesity through weight loss surgery.
  
• The surgery types share many common characteristics and BariatricPal members can therefore benefit from having more input on topics such as the post-surgery diet progression, choosing a surgeon, ways to get more protein, and dealing with head hunger.
  
• As a single community, we have greater potential to be a unified and strong voice for weight loss surgery than we did as separate communities.
  
• Some topics are surgery-specific, and there is a need for surgery-specific subforums for certain topics such as fills for lap-band patients, experience with protein shakes for sleeve patients who may not be able to eat enough on a regular basis, and dumping syndrome for gastric bypass patients.
  

Has BariatricPal Become a Divisive Arena?

Unfortunately, BariatricPal members have had some regrettable experiences that contradict these principles. Rather than being supported, encouraged, and assisted, some members have felt attacked or belittled by other members who do not believe in their choices, whether in regards to type of surgery, food choices, or other lifestyle choices. Rude behavior, while unacceptable in any circumstance, is especially damaging in our community.

• It weakens our collective voice.
  
• It prevents some weight loss surgery patients and potential patients from getting the information they need.
  
• It discourages WLS patients from pursuing their healthy lifestyles.
  

Avoid Destructive Posts

Most BariatricPal members are polite, helpful, and encourage. Occasionally, though, members post inappropriate and potentially hurtful posts that put down one type of weight loss surgery or another individual’s choice. In general, a poor post is one that makes a person feel bad and does not offer any useful information. These are examples of unacceptable posts.

• “I didn’t even know they offered the lap-band surgery anymore because it’s so dangerous.”
  
• “Weight loss is easy with the gastric bypass surgery. The rest of us have to work harder.”
  
• “You shouldn’t be asking if you can eat that. If you even are thinking about it, you shouldn’t have gotten WLS.”
  

It’s okay to offer your opinion, but do it kindly. If you’re not sure if your post is okay, think about it before your post. The rule of thumb is to always err on the side of caution. Think how you would act if you were face-to-face with a good friend who had an opinion with which you disagree. You would listen to his or her position, then acknowledge the reasoning for that opinion. Then you would state your opinion and explain why you feel that way. Remember that feelings are harder to convey in written online conversations, and gentle words of advice can be interpreted harshly.

What We Have to Gain (or Lose)

When we all support each other, regardless of type of weight loss surgery, we have a lot to gain.

• Positive atmosphere where everyone feels welcome, so those who need it feel comfortable to come and ask questions
  
• Unbelievable wealth of experience and knowledge…among people who are kind enough to share it
  
• A place where open discussions can lead to brainstorming and generation of ideas and strategies for success
  
• A sense of pride that we are all here, with the same goal through the same means. Let us celebrate!
  

When rudeness and disrespect take over, we have just as much to lose. Just think about what would happen if you had a question, asked it, and got told that your question is dumb or that you are doing something wrong in your weight loss journey. Maybe you would leave BariatricPal or, worse, you would be afraid to ask your question anywhere else because you didn’t feel comfortable anymore. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

Take a moment when you are on BariatricPal to appreciate the warm community, and think about what it means to you. The next time you post, ask yourself: are you helping to build a stronger weight loss surgery community, or are you tearing it down?

This should be a must read upon signing up. Not allowed to post until acknowledging having read this.

Thanks, Alex.

It is funny some of us feel we have to fight the "normies" regarding WLS all the while fighting each other.

Edited March 25, 201412 yr by PdxMan

It just seems so obvious to me that this is a site of support and helpful tips. I can't imagine why anyone would want to subject negativity to this community. I personally feel better hoping that something I may have posted or commented on may have helped encourage someone.

I agree with PdxMan! People should read this first. It's a shame there's usually a bad apple in every basket.

Thank you Alex for bringing such a diverse group who all share a common healthy goal together. I think it's a wonderful source of support and info!!

AMEN!

There is one related subject that I won't be posting about anymore because I perceived some responses to be harsh. I was already down in the dumps and made a post asking for advice regarding food choices. Some of the responses made me feel like I was having my hand slapped due to my choices, and I understood their point, but I came out feeling a lot more depressed.

Thanks Alex....we are all in this to support each other.

Another type of unacceptable post:

Your first mistake was....then listing what the OP should have done, said, eaten, not eaten, etc.

The "insert wls type here" never failed you, you failed it

I agree with PdxMan. Alex this should be a must read for anyone wanting to post. We have all been brought up with different beliefs, values, and social etiquette. Having examples of what to post keeps everyone on the same page.

Well said, Alex.

First rule of war...know the enemy. We are all piling up on obesity, not each other. No friendly fire.

Thank you for taking the time to post this article. @@Alex Brecher As some have stated above it should be part of the sign up so people know they are not here to deliver an agenda or fight a war against one type of WLS over another.

So it is understood that this is a community of people who meet here in support of each other, to share their experiences and stories and help to encourage and motivate each other in the fight against obesity.

There are many different personalities out there in the world and often you may find someone who clashes with you. Those are the times to learn something new about yourself and others, it's not the time to start name calling and comparing.

It is also possible to misinterpret someone's meaning as we don't all have a literary degree, and the written word can often come across with cross intent. If your not sure what that person's meaning was instead of lashing out, ask them what they meant by that. Often times I think we just mus-understand each other, and clear understanding in communication is the key to all things.

Awesome post!

Great post, thank you! I especially dislike the "well if you're not losing weight or are gaining, you're not doing it right" type responses. It's really not helpful and can seem like someone is getting bashed. I think every individual deserves the time and respect for us to go over what the issues are before just making that claim off the bat. It's really unfair and to second Gman's response that yes the enemy is fat, not each other.

Personally I notice when I start to want to respond negatively and that's when I realize it's time for me to take a break. That's okay too. When I need to come back, this place is always here with open arms.

On the flipside however, there are far more positive and helpful responses than there aren't. This is one of the best online support communities out there. Well okay, I think it IS the best WLS online support community out there.

I've done a few talks about this as well as a blog post and it originally started out as just three things but evolved into this graphic I created. If what you say passes all 5 of these...you're pretty safe. Is it true means that you know it for a fact...not that someone told you. Of course making sure it's kind and figuring out if it's really necessary will keep everyone happy. So much is lost in translation through text so many people are misunderstood. No one likes being told "you aren't doing it right". I feel like I have enough to do keeping my side of the street clean so there's no need to tell someone what they should be doing.

As others have said....we fight people all day who think we are wrong. There should always be a safe place to fall where unconditional support is offered. We are stronger together. Thank you Alex for running such a classy place.

Amen! Imagine, for a minute, how many of us came here while still debating ANY surgery. Then again, how many of us told almost NOBODY that we were having this surgery. This forum is invaluable to me. I am learning every day and getting a better understanding of my body and its new "partner", my LapBand, because of this site. Alex, I read your "The BIG Book on the Lap-Band" (available at Barnes and Noble or on Amazon folks) over the last several months, which mentioned LapBandTalk.com, which by the time I found it, was this combined site. I knew from these resources what to ask my surgeon before, during and after surgery, and what to expect every step of the way.

I do like to read some posts from the other forums (Sleeve, Bypass) because as you said, so much of what we face is a shared experience. I also casually know a person with gastric bypass and another with the sleeve. It helps me understand what they face.

One last thought. I've been on Weight Watchers literally dozens of times. Some members of their online community can get pretty in-your-face mean if you admit a slip or ask how many points some "bad" food is. I've been shredded there in the past, which caused me to no longer post those types of questions. One of the first things I noticed here is how kind most posters are.

Thank you for this wonderful haven of knowledge and support. I check it throughout the day and it gives me such hope for my future!

That needed to be said -by you! Thanks.

Thank you Alex!

So the next time one makes a statement like "it takes a stronger person to have XX WLS over XX and XX" or "people who have XX look gaunt and malnourished" or the ever popular "I would NEVER have XX surgery! My choice was much less drastic!", I am going to copy and paste this article to the thread. Deal?

Thank you Alex. Because of some of the negative replies that people get I will not pose any questions on this board. I feel bad enough about myself and don't need anyone else to make me feel worse. What I will do is read others posts and give positive feedback. I love this diet and it gas kept me sane throughout this process. As my mum used to say " if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

Nicely said, thanks Alex. A timely post. We've lost a number of great members. It's a real shame.