Ok I need some :help:

Alittle background - my oldest daughter Amber is 19 (there's another post about her in lap band deaths) she has seen me struggle with my weight since she was little. I have never said anything about my weight in front of her so I didn't give her the wrong impression in hopes she would not yo-yo or be obsessive about her weight.

She has seen me exercise, diet and take Vitamins - diet pills and vitamins but I call them vitamins Ive always made meals planned around healthy eating and even if my children have not liked something - they have a small portion of it on their plates.

Last year my oldest son (20) and daughter 19 moved out with their friends in an apartment. There was some things that went on that made them all have to move - so they moved back in our house in March 2006 until they can save again to move out YEA! lol j/k

This is the problem I need help with is this - when Amber moved out, she was around 150 pounds @ 5'8". When she came for Thanksgiving, she had lost 10-12 lbs, at Christmas about 20 lbs. Since moving back in, she has gone down to 125 pounds!!!!!

I watch her like a hawk; YES Im a pain in the butt mother, but I care about my children no matter what their age is ~~ that's my job :success1:

Would smoking pot or cigarettes do this? Drugs....eating disorder or something else Im missing? Binge/purge disorder...laxatives? I know it's not anorexia (which I suffered from at 17) I watch how much she eats and make sure she eats twice day.

Any clues what to watch for if it is drugs or an eating disorder? She does not believe she is too thin and thinks her arms are fat - they are only 1.5 in larger than our 5 year old!

This is her yesterday - I told her I wanted to take pictures and show her how much weight she had lost.

wow after reading this again I see how much of a worrywart I am :second:

Girl....you are a mom. And moms sometimes have unrealistic worries. It's what you do. Just keep loving those wonderful kids of yours!

A Mom always knows there's a problem before there really is. I say go with your gut instincts & worry the heck out of everything!! Your love & concern for her could save her life. Even if there was nothing to worry about - it's better then wondering "what if?"

You sound like a very kind, caring mother who loves her daughter more then you can even explain to all of us.

I wish you the best & hope everything turns out well. :second:

TheWomanWithin,

I think it's great that you're taking your responsibility as a parent this seriously even at your children's age. It's great that you're watching for signs of trouble and are thinking about ways to head it off IF it comes. Your daughter has a history that you're aware of which means you have an open line of communication. If your daughter has a problem, it's likely that she'll come to you with it if it truly IS a problem.

I must say that I couldn't disagree more about making your daughter take a drug test and I hope that's not something you'd actually consider. The theory of "if she's not taking drugs she won't mind" is just insane. All you would accomplish by demanding a drug test is that she'd move out even sooner than she's planning to, and most likely she'd be even less prepared to take care of herself and therefore more vulnerable to the wrong kind of people. You daughter should feel that you trust her and that she's worthy of your unconditional love. I think you should be careful of 'sitting down and talking to her' if you've already done it in the recent past. If you constantly question her, she may think you don't trust her no matter what she says and so she might as well do some of the things she feels accused of.

I think you should consider that super thin is super popular right now. I realize that Linsay Lohan, Misha Barton, Paris Hilton, and Nicole Richie aren't the best role models for behavior or decorum but you have to understand that they set the bar for what a young woman is supposed to look like. At least what your daughter, as a 19 year old, thinks she should look like. Rather than drugs I think you should look into how much TV, magazine, and shopping time she's putting in.

Something else, daughters and mothers, throughout history, have typically gone through a breaking away stage. Daughters will do almost anything to break away from what their mothers represent to them. Having grown up in a house with an overweight mother, this clearly noticable difference in her weight may be nothing more than an expression of her need to be the absolute opposite of you. If this is the case, it's not a BAD thing. It's normal and necessary. Even daughters who have good relationships with their mothers go through this.

I think her picture looks good. I don't think she's TOO skinny. It's OK to worry about your children and to try to do everything in your power to protect them. Just remember that if you overdo it, you'll do more damage than good. In my opinion, everyone messes up their kids in some way. The only thing you can do is minimize the damage and do what you can to give them a good foundation on which to base their own (hopefully) good choices.

Good luck.

Will she let you take her to a doctor for a complete physical? If she is doing drugs it should show up in the blood work.

I sometimes feel like a complete failure as a parent because no matter what I have done to make sure I am in my children's lives, or what I have taught them, Amber does things that are totally screwing up her life.

I hope by learning as she grows and matures that the things I have tried to teach her sinks in and she can be the woman she is destined to be.

(Geez, doesnt that sound corny? lol Im sitting here crying because I can see where her decisions are leading and I want so much more for her, as every parent does for their children)

After reading the past 3 or 4 responses I am so glad you guys are all here - Lots of different views and experiences to help draw from.

Sometimes family and friends see things happening before parents do - and tend to judge you as parents on how your children act.

I made sure that I have always been open and honest and my kids know they can tell me anything. Sometimes I wish it weren't that way though - sometimes knowing too much causes me much grief and worry.

I don't want to ask her to do a drug test - I think that is beyond the limitations of being mom to a grown daughter...(or maybe it's not :second: )

I told her when they moved back in - you are an adult and your choices you make you have to live with and deal with the consequences, just don't bring it in my home. I might not agree with your choices but I love you no matter what you do.

So, I have to stick by what I say and learn to live with her decisions.

Thank you all again - I never expected to find such kind and caring people.

Keep in mind that she's at the age where you know nothing.

TheWomanWithin, feel like reading a long personal story?

I never did drugs/alcohol, but I too went through the stage where your daughter is. And I went through it H-A-R-D. And for a long time. I didn't ever use alcohol or other habit forming substances - but did everything else. I really resented my parents for a lot of different reasons, and did everything I could think of to make sure they got the message. I didn't see that that's what I was doing then, but I see it clearly now.

My father and I hardly spoke, literally, between the ages of about 15 until I was about 18 or 19. We avoided each other because, with only a few exceptions, every time we spoke we'd end up fighting, which brought on more resentment, and only made things worse. This killed my mother who considered family one of the most important things, and her efforts to fix things only caused more problems.

On top of what was happening in our immediate family, all the extended family felt is necessary to give their opinion to my parents, which only made things that much worse. They really disapproved with how my parents were raising me, constantly told my parents, "She's going to fail at life", criticized them for not making me have religion in my life (they're stout Catholics), criticized them for not giving me a curfew, criticized them for letting me hang out with "trouble makers"... but my parents remained steadfast in their belief that they had to let me be me, and although they had to stay involved, they also had to give me room to make mistakes, and learn... that I was smart, would only let it get so far, and in the end would end up a better person for all of my mistakes. They held onto this fundamental belief, even through 6 or 7 years of hell in our house. I might add that my aunts and uncles were very rigid with their children, borderline abusive, but at the same time uninterested and uninvolved. They ran tight households, but didn't know their kids. They weighed them down with rules, but never asked how their day was.

One night I couldn't sleep, it was around 2am, so I came out to the living room to watch some TV. My dad was already there, he couldn't sleep either. We both sat there watching TV for about 2 hours and finally I looked over at him and asked, "Dad, why do you hate me so much? Why don't you want to talk to me? Have a failed that much at being a good daughter?" We stayed up all night talking. That night was one of only a tiny handful of times I've seen my father cry.

That night literally changed everything, and from that moment forward we have been best friends. My parents know the details of my life, and I've come to depend on them for input on tough situations. They're my roots, and at the same time they're my wings. I think that's the key, and it's the approach I plan to use when I have children.

Sorry for the long story, but I've been there. I didn't do the drugs, but I did other self-destructive things. I rebelled big time. I did dangerous things just because I knew it would piss my parents off if they ever found out. And I didn't care one bit. I was living so much in the "now" that I couldn't conceive of long-term consequences. All the while my parents were at their wit's end, but they did what came natural to them, and in the end it worked.

Now my parents couldn't be prouder of me, and (much against my advice) they rub it in our family's face whenever they can, because my life & their childrens' lives are now total opposites -- my life is "together", and their's really aren't. Every time my parents think back to what everyone told them they were doing wrong, every time someone told them how they should be raising me "right"... every time they were told that they need to force a path on me rather than letting me find my own, they just want to throw everything I've accomplished into their faces.

I'm over it, over all the disapproval they poured out behind my back, but when my parents see me, and they see how the others' children turns out still, to this day, gives my parents a great big swelling of prideful "SO THERE!"

So believe in what you're doing as a parent. Do what you believe is best for your children. They probably won't see the good in it now, but someday they will. Once they grow up, mature, and start to see life for what it really is they will appreciate what you do for them more than they could ever let you know.