Here's my sob story:

When I met my husband nine years ago I was relatively thin. I've always had a problem with my weight and we just happened to meet during one of the good times. I was on fen-phen at the time and he feels that was deceptive since he didn't really know what he was getting into.

Well, fen-phen is off the market and I'm about 80 lbs. overweight. I have a 3-yr old, my mother died two years ago, I just finished a graduate degree, and my family lives across the country, all of which have compunded my original inclination towards emotional eating.

We've spent tons of money on weight-loss schemes, but to no avail. He says he is not attracted to me and admitted yesterday that he would divorce me were it not for the fact that it would screw up our son. It's not only the extra weight that he objects to - it's the lethargy and self-absorption (due to a total lack of energy) that comes with it. I can't blame him.

Of course his lack of empathy makes me want to head for the cookie jar even more, though I know he's right. I mean, he didn't sign on for being married to someone he finds physically repulsive. How can I blame him when I find myself repulsive?

The problem is the more weight I gain the less control I seem to have over it. And there is a little bit of rebellion thrown in I guess. I'm scheduled for surgery May 19 (lap-band) so I'm hoping this will help give me some energy. Sigh. Perhaps divorce is the answer but it's hard to tell. I won't know 'til I get my health back and am able to survey the landscape with a clear head.

Thanks for listening.

Jules: You get the band, lose weight, look and feel great and then KICK THAT ASS TO THE CURB! Neither you nor your child need someone who is that shallow in your life! Terri

From a mans perspective "tell him get to steppin" . Get your act together and focus on you and your child. He does not seem to be worrying really about you he is worrying about him. He is selfish and holidng you hostage with your child. Lose the weight for you and your child. getting healthy will help you live longer and take care of your child. We do not want something to happen to you and your child is stuck with only him and his attitude.

Jules,

My story is similar except I had no kids and I did divorce my husband after his 4th affair. I am 5'10" and weighed about 190 when I met my husband. When i divorced him I was about 280. He lied to me about how he felt about my weight throughout our entire marriage. When I would ask him about it he would say it didnt bother him. Only in marriage counselling did the truth come out and he said he didnt tell me because he didnt want to hurt my feelings. Apparantly he thought the better thing to do was to have 4 girlfriends, thereby NOT hurting my feelings!!!! By that time the damage was done.. the trust was gone.. and I lost all respect for that man. So I left him... How pitiful that i stayed with him thru 4 affairs because I was afraid of being on my own. A 32 year old fat girl.. it seemed to me I would never marry again or even have a boyfriend... I felt like it was my fault that he cheated because he was not attracted to me anymore because of my weight.. I was so angry at him for lying to me for 5 years instead of giving me that chance to lose weight when I didnt have 100 pounds to lose!! Not that I would have or could have lost the weight but at least I would have been given the chance to try to repair something that was obviously bothering my husband. We have a food addiction.. like your husband says he likens it to drug abuse. now that may not be a fair association but that is HIS perception. I relate this again to my husband.. He was addicted to pornography.. He didnt think it was a problem but i was disgusted by it. Two different perceptions of the same thing caused by each persons previously life experiences, morals, beliefs etc. You cannot change him or make him feel a certain way. The only person you can control is yourself. You cant really even control your own child. Each person is going to feel, do, act the way they want to no matter what you do or say. I am doing allot of rambling here but I guess what I am trying to say is this.. Your lucky(?) that he has been honest about how he feels about your weight so you can attempt weight loss to see if it helps your marriage.. BUT>>> Dont base your marriage on your weight. Examine it closely.. Is it a good marriage except for that one area?? Is it worth saving?? Do you feel good in your marriage except for that one area?? Do you love, trust and respect your spouse?? You really have to do some soul searching.. and you need to have a lap band placed for YOU.. not for him.. because even a skinny wife may not make him happy. He feels deceived by you and may never trust that you might not "get fat" again. If that is the case the marriage will be in trouble.. And you will continue to suffer from poor self esteem, guilt, shame, etc. Life is so short honey.. Do you deserve more from your spouse? Do you deserve to feel good about yourself?? Do you deserve to be loved not matter what?? Absolutely you do. Get some counselling.. get your lap band.. and sort yourself out.. He will either follow your lead or you can kick him to the curb!! BY the way.. I didnt date for 5 yrs after my divorce.. i just couldnt i was too angry.. but I did finally start dating.. men DO date fat girls.. and I have been remarried for 2.5 yrs to a great guy.. there are good men out there!!! Thank God!!!

I'm pretty sure that my husband looks at it from this perspective: he pays all the bills and worries about our financial security in addition to participating in child-rearing and house-cleaning, so why can't I get it together and do this one thing?

Summary: He didn't know he was marrying a fatty and you didn't know you were marrying a shallow moron.

Solution for you: YOU can lose weight.

Solution for him: Missing--he will still be a shallow moron.

Take care of yourself and get GOOD legal advice.

I say you sure deserve to be loved no matter what. Now with that said....I say get your lapband...get down to where you can wear some nice size 10 white jeans ..... shake your booty and leave his ass!!

Well, sice you have a child this is not a very mature stance, but wouldn't it feel good. :heh:

He isn't happy. BUT THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

No one is responsible for anothers happiness! If he believes your thinness would make him happy, that is just a lie he is telling himself. That he hits you over the head with that lie, makes it abuse.

I SO want to quote Jack and the other guys, because it bears repeating:

JACK-Poverty of the spirit and plain stupidity just can't be fixed. You are fortunate to discover this now while you have the youth and opportunity to remedy this situation....whether you seek counseling or a new locksmith and attorney, certainly a new action plan is indicated....

SEMINOLE-He does not seem to be worrying really about you he is worrying about him. He is selfish and holidng you hostage with your child. Lose the weight for you and your child. getting healthy will help you live longer and take care of your child.

Ultimately, it is up to you to find a good role model for your son. The words said, and actions taken determine what kind of man your boy will be. Will he be a loving, compassionate individual who values people? Will he become a superficial mysoginist who never learns what it is to truly love? Will he know what it is to support and how to solve conflict without hurting? That is up to you Mom.<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

I also can feel your pain. My husband has said that he would leave me if I didn't at least start on the weightloss journey and stick to it. That was a few years ago. He said that he wasn't attracted to me and I got down to 145lbs from 185lbs. I gained it all back plus. As I approached 175lbs we started being "together" less, if you know what I mean. I always said that I would never hit 200lbs and if I did I wanted to be shot. I feel so aweful and my asthma is worse. My husband always says that he loves me and that he doesn't want to leave me, now, but he has a hard time mentally being "with" me. And I am lucky if it happens once a month and it is frustrating!

I feel deeply for you and I hope it all works out for the best.

(((((((((hugs))))))))

Jules, honeybee, if "this one thing" was easy, don't you think we would have all done it by now? If "this one thing" was easy, would we be having a weight problem in the industrialized world????

If "this one thing" was easy, would the diet food/scheme industry be worth BILLIONS??????

Here, let me give you a big squishy bandster hug (((((((((Jules)))))))))

You are not a failure.

You deserve the best the Universe has to offer.

You are lovable.

You are not a failure because you have not been able to lose weight.

Jules,

I just wanna commend you for "speaking out" about such a personal issue. Because of your cry for help, Im overjoyed at the others (like you) that have decided to "speak out" as well.

My heart hurts for each one of you.

"Happiness isnt having everything you want. Happiness is when you WANT everything you already have."

God bless you Jules, and each of you that is in the similear situation.

OK, I've got to jump in here also! Has your husband ever had a weight problem? I mean more than just maybe 20 lbs he wanted to loose. If he has never had this problem, then he doesn't fully understand the problem. I quit going to my PCP because of the same thing. He didn't think that the lap-band was for me. What I needed to do was exercise and go on a diet program. I had never been accountable for my weight. Who did he think I should be accountable too??? Him??? I don't think so. This guy was maybe 140 soaking wet. We kind of had it out and I then changed my Dr. to someone else! I need to be accountable to ME. I need a doctor that is supportive of ME. You need a husband that is supportive of you. Maybe he thinks that this is the way to get you to loose weight!! Scare tactics!! I don't know anyone that that works on. It mostly makes us want to put more in our mouths! He is correct about it being an addidiction of sorts. The hard thing about food is that we have to have it. It's not like a drug that we can do without forever. I would like to know a drug addict that can handle only having a certain amount of their drug. Here you can have some...just not too much! Only the RIGHT amount. I agree about the counseling. Get it for yourself. Maybe he will be willing to get some for himself. I have a friend that is much smaller than me and she has a much worse self esteem than I do. She has recently undergone 2 major surgeries and has not been able to exercise like she usually does. She feels like a blimp (she doesn't look like it) but her self esteem is low. I honestly don't think she would EVER be satisfied with how she looks. If you feel that baddly about yourself it is extreemly difficult to get up and get things done. From the responses you have gotten, it seems you really must have hit a nerve with many lapbanders. Work on yourself, get counseling, consider the lap-band, try to talk to your husband and really try to explain how you feel when he makes these comments. Good luck, and everyone is right about lapbanders- you will always find support and good thoughts and advice (whether you want it or not) here.

OK - I know that I am most fortunate - but my DH has never stopped chasing me around the bed - even though I have gained as much as 145lbs since we wed. (I am down to merely 100 lbs over wedding weight now)

Even when standard intercourse was nearly impossible, we managed to be intimate in other satisfying ways. And when I felt totally un-sexy and disgusted with myself, my DH told me I was sexy-beautiful, and made me believe it, too.

Now that's LOVE.

I concur that this is some weird control thing for him. What his intentions are, I don't know. What his feelings are for you - I don't know. But whatever the answers are, I DO know that it isn't healthy for you to have to hear him adding to your own natural insecurities.

It's not bad enough that everything in society says you are a failure and not acceptable because you aren't a size six - but you have to hear it from the man that supposedly loves you? I would say that at the very least, he has no empathy or understanding of what it means to be an overweight female in the USA. There is also the possibility, he is a mean spirited jerk. Either way, it isn't good for you - and it isn't a good atmosphere to raise a child in.

He has been honest with you. Now you have to take that information and deal with it. The first step is to be honest with yourself. Do you love him? Do you think he loves you? Make a list of things you like about him and a list of things you don't like. List EVERYTHING. Be BRUTALLY honest. It will help to clarify your feelings.

IF the Like list outweighs the Don't Like list - maybe there is something worth fighting for. Get your counselling - and get Marriage counselling with him.

If the Don't Like list is the heavier of the two - perhaps you should consider the D word... I know that it seems terrifying to face life on your own as an overweight single mother - but I assure you, it won't be as bad as waiting around for him to come home and emotionally "kick you when you are down" every day.

Just remember - no matter how much excess fat you have on your belly - you are a beautiful woman with all the power that implies. If it was just about sex - you could go into any bar on Saturday Night and find somebody who is willing, Thunder Thighs or not. Marriage is about love and trust and respect. And all of those things need to flow both ways.

Hugs and good luck.

This thread has brought me to tears. I remember so clearly the end of my first marriage (to an emotionally abusive man whose control tactic of choice was the silent treatment), and fully believing that I'd blown my only chance at marriage. I was 30, and at pushing 280 lbs I was absolutely convinced I'd be single the rest of my life. Somehow I made my peace with that thought, and so I was able to move forward, never looking for a mate. I was OK with that, completely and deeply.

Six months later I met a real man and married him 18 months after that. We've now been married almost 11 years. I weighed 340 on our wedding day. Leaving my first husband and finding my own self ranks up there with the best life-changing decisions I've ever made, hard and scary as it was.

Jules, your husband has no right to hold it over your head that he makes the money and pays the bills. Together you made a decision about the family finances, and if he doesn't like it talk about that. You know all the reasons you want to lose weight, you don't need him to make threats and give you ultimatums. He's your husband, not your father.

You've gotten great advice about assessing the health of your marriage, but it's going to be very hard to do if you are beating yourself down at the same time. Loving yourself is the first step. :hug:

I also met my hubby when I had gone on zoloft and was at the lowest weight since high school. I kept packing on the pounds and he really didn't like it - some because of how I looked, but I think more so b/c of my bad attitude about myself. Anyways, he was pretty much supportive about the band and he says he loves me no matter what but I do know the excess weight bothers him. Anyways, our relationship is definatley better now, the sex is better, I feel better about myself, etc. I don't really know what to say about your situation except that I sympathize with you and I hope you all work it out. Counseling could help. If you can't work it out and you get a divorce, you'll survive just like the rest of 1/2 of America that's divorced. I think your main focus should be getting happy for yourself, whether that's with or without your hubby.

I have to also agree with Alex......and its a personal opinion.....but he is a very shallow person. weight has nothing to do with loving someone. here is my mouth full.....He has a contol issue, he is keeping you down so you wont leave him. He is the one with the problem... but he can control you by making you fell the way you do about yourself. I fell for you.... the bad part is you proably love him very much.... and he dont deserve it.....