Was talking to my closest friend tonight- he lives in another state (had to take a job there) and he made some comments about his life- IF he moves back to my city, he will have his significant other, his group of friends, his kids, his family, etc..."

so I played that out in MY life, pre and post surgery....and I hit a mental <bump>

Every time I have gotten close to the "MAGIC 299" (i.e. being UNDER 300 lbs) I think "oh, THEN I will be "happy" " and I freak out and gain lots of weight back...

so I do the lap band, and I lose the weight and....then what?

Right now I..... well its me and 2 wonderful dogs. Thats about it. I have family, great folks but they have their lives, I have mine (and they live, thankfuly, about an hour away....we are there for each other but (smile)

I do NOT have a 'circle of friends' (literally)- in fact one thing that concerns me is post-op, I don't have that 'network' (sure I have 'friends at work' but....I have never been one to hang out with folks from work...yes they are friends but mentally I would call them 'acquaintances' sure I could ask about post-op help but....I don't know....tonight watching tv part of me wished for another person on the sofa next to me, but don't know if I want the hassle of 'people'...I have been single/alone that....people make me nervous....

my best friend lives many states away (the one person I know I would ask) now so....

I guess my worry is, ALL the work of the band (and money ) and...

WHAT IF I LOSE THE WEIGHT and am not "HAPPY"?

I simply don't go out (can't afford the drive, I live in the 'burbs' and work retail, a tank of gas is not cheap- sure there is the dog park, but after many many many years of going (3 dogs over 24 years...well, those are 'acquaintances' in my mind- not 'hang out friends'... never have been a bar person (oh, to short cut this I am a single gay man folks) so....

hope I am not blathering here but I am trying to sort this out NOW and now once I have lapband in me and some hefty bills to pay off...

I wonder I have been self hiding ALL these years with my weight/belly that....am I scared of being 'better'? surely someone on here has something to add? been there/done that? or...?

This is an amazing journey of self discovery. My heart is so sad, yet inspired you are able to put this place you are in into words. Also I feel hopeful because just expressing it is a huge thing, even in this somewhat anonomus forum. We all can relate to the "What if I loose the weight and and not happy" dark thoughts. There are many skinny unhappy people in the world. No matter if you have 85 pounds or 285 pounds to loose we all struggle with our demons. Loosing weight in and of itself will not make you happy. I do think that it gives you the confidence to put your toe out the door and try something you have yeaned to do ....go to the park, fish, walk the dog in a new (!!! ) place, say hello to a stranger etc. These things wll inspire you to do new things...and That my friend will lead you in the direction of " happy " .Happy is not a destination, it is a state of mind, It is a decision we make, and it becomes a habit and soon it is a part of you. The dark place becomes smaller and the heavieness receeds. Enjoy your journey the Lap Band can be a tool to get you where you want to be. Sometimes the place we wantto be is the scariest of all. Just take baby steps!

so very true

Interesting how this remind me/us of things...I remember years ago... I remember 'crawling online' as a way to meet folks (still hiding due to my weight) and now here I am 30 years later....same place.

the band is a TOOL in getting thinner, not an end-all be all...

I also go t anote today from someone on here who used the dame doc I have an appt with- that was a nice feeling )

like I said- glad I am talking this out sooner, than later... also nice ot read p on experiences (good and bad) post-op.

today I learned about green and red zones. just think one day I will be on the 'what shake taste yummy and which taste like mud board? (smile)

sow how does it fee to bend over to pick up something? (or figure out how to get if off the floor with OUT bending over?)

When I was at my Heaviest, 356 Lbs. I found myself wanting to stay home more, I didn't want to be bothered by other people, or have other people always looking at me like I was stupid for looking the way I was. I got that look enough, so I new what it looked like. As a result I turned to my house, and was O.K. in a way with that.

This January I weighed myself, and I was 328. That's not far from the heaviest weight, so I said I will get my act together, because I have artificial knees,

and if they wear out at this weight, they will not replace them. So I would be in serious trouble, and my Ortho specialist would kill me. This was another reason to lose weight. So,, it was time to put the plan of weight Loss into gear.

My attitude changed after I lost 50 lbs... Why ? Because I could now see a difference. So I started walking around the block 3x a week. That made a big difference ! Eventually I went further in walking, but I took my time. I had to....

One day I was at a store, and a worker said Hello to me , I said hello, and was expecting that look again, and I didn't get it ! I knew then that the way I looked was at least except able in the public's eye. So now I would not feel that uncomfortable being out of the house, and out in the public. I was right.

Now I hooked up at a physical Rehab and rent the place for $25.00 a month, and it's worth it.

I do a hour on different machines, 45 minutes in the pool, then a hot oil massage.

My weight comes of 1 Lb. at a time, and I love being out in the social life.

What I'm saying is besides being able to relate a bit.. Once the weight starts coming of, (AND IT WILL...) Your life changes ! I can't say in what direction,

but things start changing, and you will go with the flow because you can. So it just works, and things fall into place. With these surprises, happiness came into play.

So you see,, it really is a day by day thing.

Hope this makes some sense to you. Because this is the way it works for me.

Shirley.