Okay so I need advice. The closer and closer I get to being banded it seems that my hubby is more and more unhappy. He fell in love with me when i was a size 18 (size 32 now) and is a heck of a butt man. He sees pictures of me when i was 145 and build and cringes. He finds the 'skinny' me very unattractive. He understands that I need to get healthy and I try and reassure him that i am not going to look like a Barbie doll ever again (thanks to the birth of 3 kids) but I do not think it is sinking in. He jokes a lot and grabs my tummy and snuggles it saying "i am going to miss you" and we laugh. I am ecstatic to know my husband loves me the:wub: way I am but I have to get healthy.

I guess what i need is advice on how to help my hubby through this. I think it is going to be harder on him that it is me poor baby.

For the record... my husband has loved me through hell on earth, a lot of pain, my bipolar rage being directed at him coupled with postpartum depression and a host of other things. He is a very attractive, smart and funny man that could have his pick of any woman he wanted. He is a wonderful father and great support and provider, please keep that in mind when you reply.

My fiance has only ever known me large. He seems concerned quite often. But, I know he loves me, it's true love and that transcends appearance.

Also, Even men who are chubby chasers by nature can appreciate a beautiful petite woman.

I doubt you'll get kicked out of bed. Remind him how he'll be able to pick you up and throw you around soon. :thumbup:

Since your husband sounds like such a great guy, he should feel relieved to know that you are going to be healthier and probably live a much longer and greater quality of life and you will also be there longer for your 3 children. That should be enough reason for him to look forward to your weightloss. It sounds like maybe he should find a way to deal with his insecurity.

Maybe he is worried about the surgery and this is how he is expressing it.

I know my hubby is worried about the surgery itself and the possible issues afterwards..........He also wants me to be healthy but still a "little" curvy. I don't think I'll be bones anytime soon! LOL

He will adjust when he sees how good you feel and that you are healthier.

I think most of our husbands are worried about losing the wife they love and are used to. They've heard about personality changes and they just want things to remain the same. Even my kids were concerned that I would become someone they didn't recognize, but that hasn't happened.

I've lost 150 lbs and I'm not thin. I'm wearing a size 14 and they're are still plenty of curves, and probably always will be. What has changed is that I'm in a much better mood because I'm not tired and hurting all the time. It sounds like you have a good life with your family now and that won't go away. It will just get better and if you're happy, he'll be happy. I doubt he loves you just because you're big, he loves you for the person you are.

Cindy

its a big change, and that can be hard for partners. But I suspect the real fear is in YOU changing, not your appearance. Surely, nobody that loves you is truly shallow enough to believe that they wont find you attractive at a healthy weight. I think that's just a way of expressing a deeper fear.

Afterall, you're not going to be that much fun if you're crippled by obesity related disease, or if you die younger than you should. Health is important.

I doubt 'chubby chasers' truly are attracted to size, I think its the personality issues that go along with obesity - or more correctly, that people perceive obese people have. These men probably want more submissive, less confident women. Most people are able to find all sorts of people attractive and are not fixated on a "type" unless its a fairly complicated set of attributes that feeds a need they have.

Your hubby might be afraid that all SORTS of things are going to change, but I think that as time goes by, the gradual change to your appearance occurs and your relationship does not change for the worse, he will still be finding you attractive.

I too suspect that he is worried about you and this is how it is coming out. I am in your area, who is your dr? I was banded by Dr Clinch and have had good luck. My husband has handled it very well, but I have a friend whos husband is very insecure now that he feels she is getting "too hot" for him. LOL... But a lot of people worry about losing their partner if they are suddenly more attractive to more people. So try and find out where the fear is coming from and then work on reassuring him that those things are not going to change.

Jachut-

I might be lacking in a lot of arenas but confidence is not one of them. I am a alpha to the core without a submissive bone in my body. My hubby is the "poor white boy" that grew up in a poor area in the south. he grew up with the girls around him being shapely " bootylicious" girls. Big butts, big thighs and big boobs are his "thing". I have several over weight friends who suffer from a host of issues most of them being a very deep sense of self loathing and confidence issues. While they might be the size my husband love they are far and away from the type of personality he is used and is attracted too.

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As far as the hubby being worried about me being too attractive or attractive to other men *lol* that is not even close to the issue. He loves (even now) to go out with me. We dance and he loves to buy me sexy clothing. he is very proud of the confidence his wife has. Maybe its just the Seattle area but even at my size I turn male heads... I equate that more to the confidence i carry myself with more than anything.

I talked to my husband about this last night as a matter of fact and he blew me off at first and just shrugged. After we were laying in bed talking about our day i cornered him with it. He is a) afraid of me getting the surgery because of my health issues. when our last baby was born I’m BP went through the roof, they brought in specialist and it looked more like a ER scene than a birthing room. :eek: he is seriously not attracted to the images he sees of me when i was thin and younger.

I talked to my general doc today and she said to bring my husband in with me to my next appointment so he can ask questions. Weight loss or no my butt and chest is not going too far. I ended the talk with a "well we can always take my tummy fat and put in my butt." we had a good laugh and I think he feels a lot better about it.

I have come to terms with the fact that ia m never going to me the tiny girl i was at 20 (I don't want to be her actually) but I will be a shapely thinner and healthier woman... the same one he fell in love with and has been married to for 12 years.

Thank you everyone for the feed back :tt1:

THe good news is that this is a process...you won't be at goal weight in a month. The changes will come along and he'll see that you are healthier and happier and that will mean a great deal to him. Couple that with he sees that you still love him as much as ever -- or maybe even more -- will help him too.

As for the risks of surgery, hopefully meeting w/your surgeon can put him at ease. Also, unplanned surgeries and problems (like you had during childbirth) are just a lot more scary than scheduled surgery. Going in for this surgery, they know your current health up and down and will be ready for anything. Maybe the anasthesiologist can give something to your husband to help him relax. I know the stuff they gave me on the way to the operating room worked for me. LOL

As for his worry that he will not be attracted to you if you lose too much, isn't this something you can negotiate and deal with later. I mean it will take awhile to get from a size 32 to an 18. I would ask him to just support me on the way to size 18 and then let's negotiate my goal weight from there. You'll have a better idea of where your health is at that point and how much more YOU really want to lose too. I also suspect that by the time you reach a size 18, he will be reaping the benefits of a happier and healthier you and may not care as much about the looks aspect of it all. Or, maybe you compromise and not go below a 14 or something like that if you are comfortable with that.

I can tell you that there are some ladies in my surgeon's support group that changed their goal (to something higher) once they got most of their weight off. They just wanted to eat more 'normal' and felt happy w/their health and how they looked. I know I can be perfectly happy 20 pounds above the goal I chose. And, in a way, I think the whole idea of having a weight goal is kind of silly. I mean really my goal is to get my health back and feel good about how I look, but also happy w/my new lifestyle. If it becomes a struggle to attain that 'number', then I don't really care about it that much. I just want to be healthy, happy, and living a lifestyle that is maintainable.