ifyourstomachoffendsyou

Saturday, June 27, 2009 Guilt, Shame, and Other Ineffective Motivators Let me get this right out in front. Food addiction is not sin. Glorying in it is. Flaunting it is. Refusing to do anything about it is. Using willpower doesn't work for long except in very anal people, which I am not. For most of us, this is the thorn in the flesh that God refuses to remove, despite ernest prayer and pleas. Different methods work for different people, but having people guilt you, shame you, humiliate you, preach at you, quote Bible verses to you, tell you you just need willpower, or to pray harder, doesn't work. In fact, most of these things backfire, cause even more guilt and shame than we already carry, and drive us deeper into the food. Scientists are working on drugs that work on those addiction centers of the brain that control the cravings for over-eating as well as other addictions. This is a brain-based disease and most of us can trace the cravings back to early childhood whether our bodies reflected the disorder or not. Most of us have fought long and hard to contain the cravings. Yet the disease grows along with our hopelessness. We lose weight only to regain it with interest. In addition to the cravings for the substance itself, food is a proven numbing medication for issues like sexual and physical abuse, service to others at the expense of taking care of ourselves, stuffing our feelings and not speaking up for ourselves, depression, and in my case I would add, ADHD. For me, food helps me concentrate and sit still. The restlessness that overwhelms me, the stillness and concentration that society and social convention require from me are brought under control with food--especially chocolate. This is the only addiction that requires you to indulge it 3x a day. We can't live with food and we can't live without it. Don't judge us. Don't give us advice. Pray for us. Love us. Accept us the way we are. This is a disease of silence. but our bodies speak louder than our words. Encourage us to break our silence, to talk about the pain of our condition--which is the human condition, under which all creation groans, waiting for that final redemption.

Saturday, June 27, 2009 Guilt, Shame, and Other Ineffective Motivators Let me get this right out in front. Food addiction is not sin. Glorying in it is. Flaunting it is. Refusing to do anything about it is. Using willpower doesn't work for long except in very anal people, which I am not. For most of us, this is the thorn in the flesh that God refuses to remove, despite ernest prayer and pleas. Different methods work for different people, but having people guilt you, shame you, humiliate you, preach at you, quote Bible verses to you, tell you you just need willpower, or to pray harder, doesn't work. In fact, most of these things backfire, cause even more guilt and shame than we already carry, and drive us deeper into the food. Scientists are working on drugs that work on those addiction centers of the brain that control the cravings for over-eating as well as other addictions. This is a brain-based disease and most of us can trace the cravings back to early childhood whether our bodies reflected the disorder or not. Most of us have fought long and hard to contain the cravings. Yet the disease grows along with our hopelessness. We lose weight only to regain it with interest. In addition to the cravings for the substance itself, food is a proven numbing medication for issues like sexual and physical abuse, service to others at the expense of taking care of ourselves, stuffing our feelings and not speaking up for ourselves, depression, and in my case I would add, ADHD. For me, food helps me concentrate and sit still. The restlessness that overwhelms me, the stillness and concentration that society and social convention require from me are brought under control with food--especially chocolate. This is the only addiction that requires you to indulge it 3x a day. We can't live with food and we can't live without it. Don't judge us. Don't give us advice. Pray for us. Love us. Accept us the way we are. This is a disease of silence. but our bodies speak louder than our words. Encourage us to break our silence, to talk about the pain of our condition--which is the human condition, under which all creation groans, waiting for that final redemption.

Hi! I'm a June 18th bandate too. I still have some restriction--particularly breakfast, and also if I just have meat. My stomach definitely does not take to overstuffing it with dry meat. Or with egg whites. Also, when I just eat protein, and follow the no-liquid protocol, I don't get hungry. I do sip 20 oz. of iced decaf latte (3/4 cup milk) with Splenda in the morning and again in the afternoon. I think the protein in the milk keeps me from getting hungry. If my meals are more liquidy then I definitely can get more down. Im not that fond of the snacks I have in the house (like sf ff choc. pudding or yoghurt so I don't overeat those. I'm more likely to grap a Propel. I do have a small can of V8 and I try to drink some diet V8 splash to help me get fruit and veggies. Real veggies with my meal tend to add liquid to the meat and I get more food in me. Don't know if that's good or bad. I wonder if the Dr. actually gave me a bit of a fill when he installed the band. I still have to stick to small swallows and bites and chew well or I can feel very uncomfortable.

The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and give you peace.

What a relief to know. Praying for you.

I've been blogging everynight to help me deal with both the food and all the issues that go with it. Emotional, spiritual, psychological, thinking issues. My goal is to be free of the food obsession. That includes diets. I'm ADHD and not capable of planning or keeping food plans. I think that's actually a gift. I got the surgery in order to let the band do the weighing and measuring for me. I checked out a new 12-step program on-line called Eating Disorders Anonymous. I really like their approach. I wrote about it in my blog last night and the night before. Here's the latest post from IF YOUR STOMACH OFFENDS YOU, TIE IT OFF Tuesday, July 7, 2009 Balance--Eat When You're Hungry, Stop When You're Full I love the internet. One of the sites I visited was the official homepage of a 12-step group called Eating Disorders Anonymous. I've copied some of their guidelines here because some of the 12-step programs and church programs for compulsive eaters have turned into highly restrictive, food plan obsessed, weight obsessed, rule obsessed places. I've made the comment that they have not freed themselves from food obsession at all. Having read more about anorexia and bulimia, I believe they've merely traded labels for their disorder. Even after lapband its still easy to stay stuck in that mentality. I see it in a lot of posts. Now, this program (EDA's)makes more sense to me. Our primary purpose is to recover from our eating disorders and to carry this message of recovery to others with eating disorders. In EDA, we try to focus on the solution, not the problem. Solutions have to do with recognizing life choices and making them responsibly. Diets and weight management techniques do not solve our thinking problems. EDA endorses sound nutrition and discourages any form of rigidity around food. ** Balance – not abstinence -- is our goal. ** In EDA, recovery means living without obsessing on food, weight and body image. In our eating disorders, we sometimes felt like helpless victims. Recovery means gaining or regaining the power to see our options, to make careful choices in our lives. Recovery means rebuilding trust with ourselves, a gradual process that requires much motivation and support. As we learn and practice careful self-honesty, self-care and self-expression, we gain authenticity, perspective, peace and empowerment. There are no EDA meetings near me but I would go if there were. Instead of abstinance (which you can't do anyway since we have to eat), the focus is balance. For anorexics and bulemics, diets and weight management techniques, rigidity around food, including rigid restrictions and food plans, are recognized as part of the disease, not a cure for them. For those of us with compulsive eating disorders who do not purge (except when in our dieting phase--the diet being the purge) lap band surgery is a tool we use to achieve balance. Once I get to my lap band fill I won't be restricted from any food, I'll just have to be careful with some that don't work well with the new tummy. The lap band will do the weighing and measuring for me leaving me free to not obsess over food. I would like to be able to occassionally have a treat without it triggering old unhealthy thinking (like guilt) and cravings that will lead me back into the food. I don't want my time being spent on food plans and obsessing over my next meal. In fact, with my ADHD, I'm pretty incapable of that anyway. Tonight I looked in the cabinet and decided I wanted salmon. There was no low-fat mayo which I'm not that fond of, but I saw some spinach dip, not low-fat but good fats. I mixed that in, put in some tomato and basil pesto, and chopped some green olives into it. I couldn't eat a whole lot of it because it was so filling, but it tasted great. My husband polished off what I couldn't eat, which was most of it. So, no food plan, no obsessing about supper, just look and see what's there that puts Protein first and make it taste good. I'm doing so well, I actually have to force myself to eat more between meals in order to get enough dairy, fruit, and veggies and even enough protein. I'm just not hungry. I have developed a bit of an internet obsession for exploring websites related to the disease, but that's because its summer and I'm not working. It's also related to my ADHD. I'll get passionately interested in a subject and fill my mind with all kinds of info about it, relay that info to people to whom it would solve a problem or be helpful, and then, eventually, my active interest fades. But this is a life-long problem, so I'll probably always keep abreast of the latest thinking on the subject-especially if its helpful to me. It's about balance and allowing the pendulum to swing back. Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full. All things in moderation was what Paul said in the New Testament. Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full.

Friday, June 26, 2009 Obsession Lurks I thoroughly enjoyed eating chicken today at my grandson's birthday party. (I also thoroughly enjoyed the party and playing with my grandkids.) I was careful to chew each piece to mush before swallowing and to avoid drinking liquids for half an hour before and after. I also had a little hummus, which, like the refried beans I'm allowed to have, is fairly high protein. If I could have eaten more, I would. The taste was amazing and I enjoyed each bite. The temptation to keep eating, however slowly, however uncomfortable I was, was unbelievable. I was grateful for my new stomach which did the weighing and measuring for me, and for the knowledge that I'd be in pain and would throw up if I kept eating. Some of the food nazis I met in Overeater's Anonymous are convinced that sugar is behind food addiction. Sugar and carbs--particularly simple carbs. Shoot your blood sugar up and you shoot up your cravings. Eliminate all sugar from your diet and you'll eliminate the cravings. They search for carbs in everything they might eat like gold miners panning for gold. Well, I was doing pure protein with the chicken and I've been on high protein for a couple of weeks and my addiction was triggered by a non-carb. It was the taste, smell and sight of food I really love. Does it help to greatly reduce simple sugars? Sure. Does it eliminate the cravings? No. Only God can do that since they have not yet come up with a really effective medical solution, and it seems he prefers I continue to struggle. So the choice is: do I go through the struggle with him or without him? Do I allow the struggle to draw me closer to him and make me more dependant on him? Do I continue to be transparent and honest about this struggle in this blog or do I fudge over these issues and be a Polyanna Chrsitian? I learned to work a 12 step program in Alanon and OA and it always comes back to the first 3 steps. 1. Admitted I was powerless over (whatever your obsession may be) and its making my life unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power. One day at a time, one minute at a time, one swallow at a time, one bite at a time

Friday, June 26, 2009 Obsession Lurks I thoroughly enjoyed eating chicken today at my grandson's birthday party. (I also thoroughly enjoyed the party and playing with my grandkids.) I was careful to chew each piece to mush before swallowing and to avoid drinking liquids for half an hour before and after. I also had a little hummus, which, like the refried beans I'm allowed to have, is fairly high protein. If I could have eaten more, I would. The taste was amazing and I enjoyed each bite. The temptation to keep eating, however slowly, however uncomfortable I was, was unbelievable. I was grateful for my new stomach which did the weighing and measuring for me, and for the knowledge that I'd be in pain and would throw up if I kept eating. Some of the food nazis I met in Overeater's Anonymous are convinced that sugar is behind food addiction. Sugar and carbs--particularly simple carbs. Shoot your blood sugar up and you shoot up your cravings. Eliminate all sugar from your diet and you'll eliminate the cravings. They search for carbs in everything they might eat like gold miners panning for gold. Well, I was doing pure protein with the chicken and I've been on high protein for a couple of weeks and my addiction was triggered by a non-carb. It was the taste, smell and sight of food I really love. Does it help to greatly reduce simple sugars? Sure. Does it eliminate the cravings? No. Only God can do that since they have not yet come up with a really effective medical solution, and it seems he prefers I continue to struggle. So the choice is: do I go through the struggle with him or without him? Do I allow the struggle to draw me closer to him and make me more dependant on him? Do I continue to be transparent and honest about this struggle in this blog or do I fudge over these issues and be a Polyanna Chrsitian? I learned to work a 12 step program in Alanon and OA and it always comes back to the first 3 steps. 1. Admitted I was powerless over (whatever your obsession may be) and its making my life unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power. One day at a time, one minute at a time, one swallow at a time, one bite at a time

Thursday, June 25, 2009 Joy of Food Today I went shopping for food. I fixed food for myself, something I seldom do. Food addiction robbed me of the joy of picking out food from the grocery store and fixing it. I avoided both in an effort to prevent triggering over-eating. But today I had the challenge of making egg whites taste good. I tried chili powder, ground black pepper, a sprinkling of salt and a sprinkling of lowfat cheddar cheese. Not bad. Food addiction robs us of so much joy. The joy of really enjoying our food. We gobble it without tasting, or we only taste the first few bites. Going through a store with food triggers cravings. Cooking food triggers craving. If we make something the way we really like it, we can't stop eating it. We eat out because quantities are limited. Except that everything is supersized. Maybe I can get that joy back. I remember cooking by the seat of my pants, a little of this, a little of that, what's in the cabinets and fridge, what will happen if I put this with that, probably better never make that again, that was surprisingly tasty. Couldn't follow a recipe to save my life. Couldn't go to the grocery store with a list and come home with everything on it. But I liked cooking. I'm on soft foods for 2 weeks. I'm actually excited about seeing what I can do with some limited options. I'm even planning ways to make the food something my husband might even eat. Joy. Joy of food. Joy of cooking. Joy of life. The way God intended it to be. I don't want to go back to the way life is not supposed to be. The joy of the Lord will have to be my strength.

Thursday, June 25, 2009 Joy of Food Today I went shopping for food. I fixed food for myself, something I seldom do. Food addiction robbed me of the joy of picking out food from the grocery store and fixing it. I avoided both in an effort to prevent triggering over-eating. But today I had the challenge of making egg whites taste good. I tried chili powder, ground black pepper, a sprinkling of salt and a sprinkling of lowfat cheddar cheese. Not bad. Food addiction robs us of so much joy. The joy of really enjoying our food. We gobble it without tasting, or we only taste the first few bites. Going through a store with food triggers cravings. Cooking food triggers craving. If we make something the way we really like it, we can't stop eating it. We eat out because quantities are limited. Except that everything is supersized. Maybe I can get that joy back. I remember cooking by the seat of my pants, a little of this, a little of that, what's in the cabinets and fridge, what will happen if I put this with that, probably better never make that again, that was surprisingly tasty. Couldn't follow a recipe to save my life. Couldn't go to the grocery store with a list and come home with everything on it. But I liked cooking. I'm on soft foods for 2 weeks. I'm actually excited about seeing what I can do with some limited options. I'm even planning ways to make the food something my husband might even eat. Joy. Joy of food. Joy of cooking. Joy of life. The way God intended it to be. I don't want to go back to the way life is not supposed to be. The joy of the Lord will have to be my strength.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009 Taking the Bad with the Good I'm crabby. I haven't been kind to my husband. We are in the middle of a heat wave and our air has been out. I'm trying to sleep at home, since I didn't sleep well at my mother's. Also, 2 nights in a row, the laxative I took before going to bed came back up on me. Last night was particularly bad. I don't think it ever dissolved and went down the donut hole. Maybe it was oil and floated. It hit the back of my throat and I woke up coughing and gagging to the point of having trouble breathing. Without thinking I'd reswallowed the mess along with all the saliva that'd been activated. My poor little new tummy. It all came up again and I ended up for the next hour coughing and spitting out or wiping out all the saliva and phlegm out of my mouth so my tummy would get a rest. Plus the pain of swallowing was back. Setbacks are part of life. I will not take that particular laxative again and certainly not at that time. I realized that I might have some real difficulties whenever I get a cold. I don't want to even think about stomach "flu." Fortunately I don't get frequent colds (I think I had one last year) and I get a stomach bug about once every 5-7 years. I really hate throwing up so that's an added incentive to keep the amount of food in my stomach small. Right now my tummy holds about 2 oz. Once healed it will hold closer to 6 oz. That's a fraction of what it used to hold. It's midnight and the house has not yet cooled down at all. I've apologized to my husband. My tummy had a different laxative much earlier and everything seems quite settled. Hopefully I'm so tired I'll sleep despite the heat. I'll position the fan to blow on me. On the blessing side, I went to my daughter's house to stay cool and babysat my 2 yr. old grandson Joshua. He was a joy to be with and enjoyed eating all of my special foods with me. I brought plenty because I knew that would happen. He kissed my tummy to make it better when I showed him the bruising and incision so he would know he couldn't maul me the way he frequently does. Thank you Lord for providing the medical means to help me get this disease under control. Thank you for grandchildren who make having the surgery to regain my health all worth while. Thank you for air conditioning and for having to live and sleep without it so that I will once again appreciate it. Thank you for setbacks that make me apprecaite when all is going well. Thank you for cream of chicken soup. Every drop was delicious.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009 Taking the Bad with the Good I'm crabby. I haven't been kind to my husband. We are in the middle of a heat wave and our air has been out. I'm trying to sleep at home, since I didn't sleep well at my mother's. Also, 2 nights in a row, the laxative I took before going to bed came back up on me. Last night was particularly bad. I don't think it ever dissolved and went down the donut hole. Maybe it was oil and floated. It hit the back of my throat and I woke up coughing and gagging to the point of having trouble breathing. Without thinking I'd reswallowed the mess along with all the saliva that'd been activated. My poor little new tummy. It all came up again and I ended up for the next hour coughing and spitting out or wiping out all the saliva and phlegm out of my mouth so my tummy would get a rest. Plus the pain of swallowing was back. Setbacks are part of life. I will not take that particular laxative again and certainly not at that time. I realized that I might have some real difficulties whenever I get a cold. I don't want to even think about stomach "flu." Fortunately I don't get frequent colds (I think I had one last year) and I get a stomach bug about once every 5-7 years. I really hate throwing up so that's an added incentive to keep the amount of food in my stomach small. Right now my tummy holds about 2 oz. Once healed it will hold closer to 6 oz. That's a fraction of what it used to hold. It's midnight and the house has not yet cooled down at all. I've apologized to my husband. My tummy had a different laxative much earlier and everything seems quite settled. Hopefully I'm so tired I'll sleep despite the heat. I'll position the fan to blow on me. On the blessing side, I went to my daughter's house to stay cool and babysat my 2 yr. old grandson Joshua. He was a joy to be with and enjoyed eating all of my special foods with me. I brought plenty because I knew that would happen. He kissed my tummy to make it better when I showed him the bruising and incision so he would know he couldn't maul me the way he frequently does. Thank you Lord for providing the medical means to help me get this disease under control. Thank you for grandchildren who make having the surgery to regain my health all worth while. Thank you for air conditioning and for having to live and sleep without it so that I will once again appreciate it. Thank you for setbacks that make me apprecaite when all is going well. Thank you for cream of chicken soup. Every drop was delicious.

Wow! 30 #s. Great job! All I can say is keep your protein high and your carbs low until you can get that fill. Follow the no liquids before and after your meals. Pretend you've already had the fill, or maybe the Dr. put in a fill when he put in the band and didn't tell you. That's kindof what I'm doing. I think as long as you're not gaining you're OK. Use the time to deal with the thinking patterns and emotional issues that accompany your eating. I'm keeping a blog. It's helping tremendously. I've been talking a lot about guilt and how God grants grace, not guilt. Yesterday I talked about eating disorders and some of the roots of my own compulsive overeating. You can check it out at IF YOUR STOMACH OFFENDS YOU, TIE IT OFF

I'm not comfortable giving you advice because you have to know and listen to your own body. July 15 is still a long time to be miserable.

IndioGirl--I could read it, but then I work with kids with reading problems who sit across a half-moon table from me and I can read words upside down and at any angle. I can write upside down and do math upside down, too. Wierd.

willowcat, thanks for the thoughts. I usually forget to eat a snack in the afternoon which is when the pain comes--when I'm standing or walking, not when I'm sitting leaning slightly back. The problem is I've had major sugery on my neck before and have reherniated the neck once requiring an epidural to make it behave. I also injured my shoulder last winter and I know from past experience that you can get referred pain going back to neck from an injured shoulder. What's funny is I don't get this particular neck pain in the morning when I go for my walk--I just get my usual neck problems which I use stretches while I walk to control.

What's a DGS? Dog Gone Spouse? Dog Gone Son? Diligent grand son?

I've been making myself iced decaf coffee lattes with Splenda. I have a 20 oz container that I fill twice a day. I use a lot of 1% milk so that helps me get my milk as well as my 64 oz of Fluid a day. The milk provides constant Protein and a little fat and carbs and I think it keeps my blood sugar stable between meals. And it tastes good. The thing that made me want to totally stay away from pop is that the bubbles can stretch your new tiny tummy during the time when its still trying to stabilize and heal. I also don't want to get any more stuck gas in me than I already have. It can also cause reflux. You also lose some of your restriction if you stretch the tummy. Find a tasty substitute for the pop. Also for the ice cream if possible. I try not to keep it in the house, but my husband bought it for himself. He did, however, make me some ff sf choc. pudding to eat at night. The ice cream may be alright for you if you're sticking to the 1/4 to 1/2 cup guideline. Ice cream is one of my trigger foods so you'll have to judge whether it causes you to crave having more. I find that exploring and posting on this site is helping me. I was banded June 18th and I started a blog the week before to help me deal with all the other issues that go along with compulsive overeating. Its like journaling daily. On yesterday's blog I talked about eating disorders and their causes and my history of weight gain and dieting. If you'd like to view the blog you can do it at: IF YOUR STOMACH OFFENDS YOU, TIE IT OFF Dealing with the addiction in these ways has really helped me stay on top of my cravings. Don't beat yourself up. Guilting and shaming yourself will drive you right back into the food.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009 Mindfulness I'm adding real food, real liquid food. I had a small amount of cream of tomato soup today. I enjoyed every drop, and that's how I drank/ate it--drop by drop. At least I started out that way. Although I continued to eat drop by drop, I stopped being aware of the taste and the eating became automatic until suddenly my final swallow ended up right back in my mouth. Suddenly I was aware of the taste again. There's a Hindu philosophy/practice called mindfulness. I don't know a lot about it, but it sounds like trying to be aware constantly of all the tastes, sights sounds, textures, smells we are experiencing. It involves being fully present in the moment. Food isn't the only thing I'm not mindful of or present for. In fact, food is one of the things that keeps me from being mindful of and fully present for my own life. It's just one of the drugs I use. I tend to inhale mystery books the way I inhale food. I'm so busy racing to figure out who done it I seldom stop to savor the writing (though frankly, most books aren't well-written enough to deserve that kind of treatment.) I read a book by Dean Koontz yesterday involving a character named Odd Thomas. It was incredibly well-written, so well-written I re-read paragraphs to figure out the meaning of odd phrasing, savor philosophical discussions, and delight in eerily beautiful descriptions. Maybe you've seen the movie "Click" with Adam Sandler. Adam acquires a special remote that allows him to fast forward on automatic pilot those areas of life that bore him, or exhaust him. He soon finds he can't control the remote and it fast forwards him through things he didn't want to miss. Mindfulness sounds to me like something I need to do. Be present in the moment. Enjoy every bite, savor every drop--not only of food but of life. Even when my ADHD takes me on unexpected mental vacations, I want to be more consciously aware of my thoughts. I often have great ideas. Then I don't write them down and I lose them. I think Jesus lived in the present all the time. He was always fully aware of the moment. He rebuked those who tried to diminish those moments. "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of heaven." Why are you bothering this woman, she has done a beautiful thing to me." And finally, fully conscious, "Father, into your hands, I commend my spirit."

Tuesday, June 23, 2009 Mindfulness I'm adding real food, real liquid food. I had a small amount of cream of tomato soup today. I enjoyed every drop, and that's how I drank/ate it--drop by drop. At least I started out that way. Although I continued to eat drop by drop, I stopped being aware of the taste and the eating became automatic until suddenly my final swallow ended up right back in my mouth. Suddenly I was aware of the taste again. There's a Hindu philosophy/practice called mindfulness. I don't know a lot about it, but it sounds like trying to be aware constantly of all the tastes, sights sounds, textures, smells we are experiencing. It involves being fully present in the moment. Food isn't the only thing I'm not mindful of or present for. In fact, food is one of the things that keeps me from being mindful of and fully present for my own life. It's just one of the drugs I use. I tend to inhale mystery books the way I inhale food. I'm so busy racing to figure out who done it I seldom stop to savor the writing (though frankly, most books aren't well-written enough to deserve that kind of treatment.) I read a book by Dean Koontz yesterday involving a character named Odd Thomas. It was incredibly well-written, so well-written I re-read paragraphs to figure out the meaning of odd phrasing, savor philosophical discussions, and delight in eerily beautiful descriptions. Maybe you've seen the movie "Click" with Adam Sandler. Adam acquires a special remote that allows him to fast forward on automatic pilot those areas of life that bore him, or exhaust him. He soon finds he can't control the remote and it fast forwards him through things he didn't want to miss. Mindfulness sounds to me like something I need to do. Be present in the moment. Enjoy every bite, savor every drop--not only of food but of life. Even when my ADHD takes me on unexpected mental vacations, I want to be more consciously aware of my thoughts. I often have great ideas. Then I don't write them down and I lose them. I think Jesus lived in the present all the time. He was always fully aware of the moment. He rebuked those who tried to diminish those moments. "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of heaven." Why are you bothering this woman, she has done a beautiful thing to me." And finally, fully conscious, "Father, into your hands, I commend my spirit."

Monday, June 22, 2009 Now Comes the Hard Part So, now comes the hard part: facing the addiction. I will be around food the rest of my life. My stomach will heal and start to stretch. The adjustable band will help keep it in check but I can still choose to make less healthy food choices frequently, and overstretch the stomach. I will be eating a relatively normal, 3 meals a day diet with a small snack or 2. I will still be assaulted by the smell, taste, texture, sight and even sound of food. I'll have to cook food. I'll have to face overflowing buffets at every party I attend. People will talk about food and recipes. They'll even post pictures of their favorite foods on Facebook and describe what they're eating, have eaten, or are going to be eating. Oh My God Help Me! My husband and I are going to have to sit in separate rooms in the evening because he eats non-stop junk food in front of the TV. He doesn't eat all day and then he eats all night. But night-time is also when I'm on my computer writing this blog. And I will continue to write because you never become a recovered addict; you only become a recovering one. There's something about writing. My subconscious comes to the surface and flows through my hands while I type and it appears in print. I can verbalize things I didn't even know I was thinking and feeling. It's like my left brain and right brain get together and try to cooperate for a change. Every once in a while I write like I'm possessed. I get into a subject--particularly if I see a problem and possible solutions start occurring to me--and ideas fly from my fingers like confetti. That's how it is with this blog right now. This time the problem is me--dealing with food, dealing with my brain's craving for food, dealing with life without excessive food to medicate my issues. Having an audience helps hold me accountable. Telling you my story helps me to cope, to heal, and to figure out strategies. Hopefully, it also helps you. I believe that the Holy Spirit still can inspire written words. Written words can, in turn, inspire others. This is not Holy Scripture, but when I feel compelled to write, I always sense the presence of the Holy Spirit. That can't be a bad thing.

Monday, June 22, 2009 Now Comes the Hard Part So, now comes the hard part: facing the addiction. I will be around food the rest of my life. My stomach will heal and start to stretch. The adjustable band will help keep it in check but I can still choose to make less healthy food choices frequently, and overstretch the stomach. I will be eating a relatively normal, 3 meals a day diet with a small snack or 2. I will still be assaulted by the smell, taste, texture, sight and even sound of food. I'll have to cook food. I'll have to face overflowing buffets at every party I attend. People will talk about food and recipes. They'll even post pictures of their favorite foods on Facebook and describe what they're eating, have eaten, or are going to be eating. Oh My God Help Me! My husband and I are going to have to sit in separate rooms in the evening because he eats non-stop junk food in front of the TV. He doesn't eat all day and then he eats all night. But night-time is also when I'm on my computer writing this blog. And I will continue to write because you never become a recovered addict; you only become a recovering one. There's something about writing. My subconscious comes to the surface and flows through my hands while I type and it appears in print. I can verbalize things I didn't even know I was thinking and feeling. It's like my left brain and right brain get together and try to cooperate for a change. Every once in a while I write like I'm possessed. I get into a subject--particularly if I see a problem and possible solutions start occurring to me--and ideas fly from my fingers like confetti. That's how it is with this blog right now. This time the problem is me--dealing with food, dealing with my brain's craving for food, dealing with life without excessive food to medicate my issues. Having an audience helps hold me accountable. Telling you my story helps me to cope, to heal, and to figure out strategies. Hopefully, it also helps you. I believe that the Holy Spirit still can inspire written words. Written words can, in turn, inspire others. This is not Holy Scripture, but when I feel compelled to write, I always sense the presence of the Holy Spirit. That can't be a bad thing.

Sunday, June 21, 2009 Back to the Womb The day of surgery I was hooked up to an IV which became my umbilical cord, bringing me nutrients and drugs needed to do the surgery. Now I'm a newborn baby, only able to drink in tiny quantities, not much nourishment yet, quickly filling my tiny tummy. In a couple more days, I'll be drinking richer liquids, but still only in tiny quantities. Gradually I'll be introducing soft baby food, with an emphasis on protein ground to mush. As I tolerate foods, more will be added until I'm eating grown up food--maybe I should qualify that--grown up healthy food. Thankful I am for a Father who knew me before he formed me in my mother's womb, who knew me and the things I would stuggle with, who knew me and the things I'd be good at, and who has given me an opportunity to reprogram my body and my brain to His honor and glory. Just like a newborn I'm prone to sharp pains in my tummy that travel up my esophagus. I have to burp up gas after each swallow to help prevent the pain. I could use someone to constantly burp me. If I overfill my tummy, I will throw up. I am exchanging the freedom to eat what I want, as much as I want, whenever I want, for freedom from the tyranny of food addiction. As far as food is concerned, I've been reborn. Its not a done deal. Its a process. Its one day at a time. Its letting go and letting God. God is good--all the time. All the time--God is good.

Sunday, June 21, 2009 Back to the Womb The day of surgery I was hooked up to an IV which became my umbilical cord, bringing me nutrients and drugs needed to do the surgery. Now I'm a newborn baby, only able to drink in tiny quantities, not much nourishment yet, quickly filling my tiny tummy. In a couple more days, I'll be drinking richer liquids, but still only in tiny quantities. Gradually I'll be introducing soft baby food, with an emphasis on protein ground to mush. As I tolerate foods, more will be added until I'm eating grown up food--maybe I should qualify that--grown up healthy food. Thankful I am for a Father who knew me before he formed me in my mother's womb, who knew me and the things I would stuggle with, who knew me and the things I'd be good at, and who has given me an opportunity to reprogram my body and my brain to His honor and glory. Just like a newborn I'm prone to sharp pains in my tummy that travel up my esophagus. I have to burp up gas after each swallow to help prevent the pain. I could use someone to constantly burp me. If I overfill my tummy, I will throw up. I am exchanging the freedom to eat what I want, as much as I want, whenever I want, for freedom from the tyranny of food addiction. As far as food is concerned, I've been reborn. Its not a done deal. Its a process. Its one day at a time. Its letting go and letting God. God is good--all the time. All the time--God is good.

Is it possible for me to still be having gas pain that travels to my shoulders and neck? My surgery was June 18 so on Thursday I'll be 3 weeks out. I've been thinking I reherniated a disc in my neck or that the torn rotater cuff in my left shoulder is sending referred pain there, but maybe not. The pain comes late afternoon if I've been standing or walking around. I can sit leaning back quite comfortably.