ifyourstomachoffendsyou

Monday, July 6, 2009 Eating Disorders Eating disorders. Did you know that compulsive overeating is considered part of the spectrum of eating disorders? You think of Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa as eating disorders but compulsive overeating, sometimes followed by dieting, is part of the whole binge/purge syndrome. Did you know that the average girl now starts dieting at age 8? Did you know that those who very rigidly follow the healthiest diet they can find, eliminating all fat and chemicals and whatever else they are convinced is unhealthy end up with life-threatening symptoms from not getting enough nutrition? That this newly recognized disorder has been given its own name--Orthorexia? I've seen a lot of that in some of the OA meetings I've attended. Here is a website if you want more information: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/ Here's part of their advice for preventing eating disorders: Listen to your body. Eat what you want, when you are truly hungry. Stop when you're full. And eat exactly what appeals to you. Do this instead of any diet, and you are unlikely to ever have a weight problem, let alone an eating disorder. Eat when you are truly hungry. Stop when you are full. I remember thinking I should be thinner as a teenager. It was easy to lose the weight. I was still able to eat a lot because I was very active. I still ate what I liked, which wasn't neccessarily good for me, I just ate less of it. I ate enough good stuff to still be very healthy. I got married at 19 and started gaining, but not much. Then I finished college while pregnant and each succeeding pregnancy brought bigger babies and more weight. Each time I dieted afterward. This was the start. And it just ballooned. Gain, lose, gain even more. Now my goal weight is a weight that I once thought was fat. How much of my eating disorder got started because of wanting to be pefect, physically? How much was genetic predisposition? How much was emotional issues related to living with undiagnosed, unrecognized ADHD? How much was co-dependancy issues from negating self and doing for everyone else? How much was a spiritual issue of not allowing myself to be fully loved by God? Don't know. Doesn't matter. I have an eating disorder. I am a compulsive over-eater. I am a food addict. I need to work on the physical side of the addiction hence the lap band surgery, following the food protocol and let's not forget to mention excercise. The psychological issues are things that I've been working on for a long time, learning to love myself the way I am including my ADHD for which I'd been shamed and shamed myself, and which always made me feel like a square peg in a round hole. And then there's my co-dependancy issues (think care-taking without taking care of self) which most Christian girls are well-trained in, and which having been married to an alcoholic were especially brought out in me. There are the social issues that impact body image--I held off on this surgery to make sure I wasn't doing it to look good (though there's nothing wrong with that), but because I genuinely craved better health. And there are the spiritual issues. I think contentment, mindfulness, gratitude, acceptance, and serenity are big spiritual issues. I have to learn to be content whether in want (need) or in plenty. No matter what the circumstance. And I can only be content in all circumstances through Christ who strengthens me. This blog is getting long. I'm not done exploring these topics, not by a long shot. But now I need to take care of myself and go to bed.

Sunday, July 5, 2009 Life in the Lap Band Lane I'm beginning to think that the pain I get that seems to be in my neck is actually still gas in the abdominal cavity pressing on the nerve that leads up to my shoulders. Then there's swallowed air. I'm becoming an expert at swallowing a little, burping a little, swallowing a little, burping a little. Can't belch. Not enough room in the stomach for that. Then, of course, there's the feel free to fart frequently rule. These things should all settle down--I hope. Had a caramel steamer (hot skim milk with caramel in it) tonight. It was way too sweet. I also distinctly noticed that I felt weak and breathless afterwards. Won't try that again. I've hardly had any sugar except what's in low sugar juices, which I don't drink that much, and in milk which also has protein and in 5 oz of V8. The regular protein and low sugar have got to have been keeping my blood sugar pretty stable. The caramel probably shocked my system. I'm also keeping pretty close track on my blood pressure. I woke up two mornings in a row with high blood pressure. At least this morning I wasn't dizzy. (I made sure I took a few swallows of Kiefer before I went to bed whereas the night before I ate at 5:30 and didn't really have anything but water the rest of the night. I actually forgot to have a snack.) My right arm has definitely got much higher pressure than my left. I'm really tired of doctors but I'm going to have to go to my regular physician to deal with the blood sugar issues and the crazy blood pressure. In the summer I also usually see the dentist, eye doctor, and have a mammogram, because I'm off school. In everything but the food I've usually taken pretty good care of myself. I've always tried to exercise even with the weight and the arthritis. So why should I, or anyone else, feel guilty about taking care of ourselves with the life-threatening condition of obesity? What is it about this condition and us choosing to do something proven to work that brings out the worst in some other people? And why do we listen to them and care? Many people don't understand this disease. They don't see it as a medical condition that frequently requires a medical solution. Sometimes it seems they'd rather you died and went down fighting the disease on your own than that you get the help that could save your life and help you win the war. They are shame-based people who have to transfer that shame onto others. The Bible boils down all the rules and regulations of life to "Love God above all and your neighbor as yourself." In Micah 6 it says, "Act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God." So don't let others "should" on you. Don't "should" on yourself. And don't "should" on other people. But its OK to burp and fart

Sunday, July 5, 2009 Life in the Lap Band Lane I'm beginning to think that the pain I get that seems to be in my neck is actually still gas in the abdominal cavity pressing on the nerve that leads up to my shoulders. Then there's swallowed air. I'm becoming an expert at swallowing a little, burping a little, swallowing a little, burping a little. Can't belch. Not enough room in the stomach for that. Then, of course, there's the feel free to fart frequently rule. These things should all settle down--I hope. Had a caramel steamer (hot skim milk with caramel in it) tonight. It was way too sweet. I also distinctly noticed that I felt weak and breathless afterwards. Won't try that again. I've hardly had any sugar except what's in low sugar juices, which I don't drink that much, and in milk which also has protein and in 5 oz of V8. The regular protein and low sugar have got to have been keeping my blood sugar pretty stable. The caramel probably shocked my system. I'm also keeping pretty close track on my blood pressure. I woke up two mornings in a row with high blood pressure. At least this morning I wasn't dizzy. (I made sure I took a few swallows of Kiefer before I went to bed whereas the night before I ate at 5:30 and didn't really have anything but water the rest of the night. I actually forgot to have a snack.) My right arm has definitely got much higher pressure than my left. I'm really tired of doctors but I'm going to have to go to my regular physician to deal with the blood sugar issues and the crazy blood pressure. In the summer I also usually see the dentist, eye doctor, and have a mammogram, because I'm off school. In everything but the food I've usually taken pretty good care of myself. I've always tried to exercise even with the weight and the arthritis. So why should I, or anyone else, feel guilty about taking care of ourselves with the life-threatening condition of obesity? What is it about this condition and us choosing to do something proven to work that brings out the worst in some other people? And why do we listen to them and care? Many people don't understand this disease. They don't see it as a medical condition that frequently requires a medical solution. Sometimes it seems they'd rather you died and went down fighting the disease on your own than that you get the help that could save your life and help you win the war. They are shame-based people who have to transfer that shame onto others. The Bible boils down all the rules and regulations of life to "Love God above all and your neighbor as yourself." In Micah 6 it says, "Act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God." So don't let others "should" on you. Don't "should" on yourself. And don't "should" on other people. But its OK to burp and fart

Saturday, July 4, 2009 Wearing my Purple Ribbon Right now I'm a little concerned about the next few weeks while I wait for my first fill of my new lap band. As I heal from the surgery I can tell that there's less and less restriction from eating larger quantities of food. I'm not hungry yet, and the cravings have not returned in full force--more like twinges. I can generally wait them out. But I'm on a roll. I've lost 20 pounds. I'm already feeling and looking better. I'm in clothes that were too tight last summer. I'm hoping to keep losing while I wait for my first fill. This disease is insidious and just the knowledge that I can eat more makes me want to eat more before the real restriction starts to kick in. I did have a scare this morning. I woke up quite dizzy-twice. I thought I'd better check my blood pressure--it could be too low or too high. I took the pressure in my right arm-which I never do and which my Dr.s never do. It was quite high. I took it in my left arm and it was a little high. Now I'm going to have to start taking it in both arms. I may have to make sure I take it as soon as I get up in the morning to see if I have a sudden surge regularly whenever I get up. It may mean another trip to the Dr. I'm hoping that it was an anomaly, perhaps caused by the change in diet and weight and my body's just adjusting. Mostly my blood pressure has been going down. I also read more on the lap band website and was struck anew by all the guilt people feel who've had lap band sugery. Especially Christians and members of OA and FAA. That is so incredibly sad. There's a lot of debate over whether or not to tell people about it, and who's safe to tell--especially in church and in OA and FAA meetings, which are places we ought to feel safest. I'm glad I made the decision to put it out there for everyone and to make my struggles public. In an earlier blog I said that we ought to hold marathons and walkathons and start wearing purple ribbons to build awareness of this life-threatening disease and to offer support for those who suffer from it as well as dollars for research to help prevent and control it. It worked for breast cancer. I would bet more people die from this disease. In fact, obesity is a risk factor for breast cancer (and heart disease, strokes, colon cancer, diabetes and more). Breast cancer used to be an unmentionable disease. Now we all proudly wear pink ribbons. Let's get obesity and all food addicitons out of the closet and into the light of day so that no one ever has to feel guilty about seeking a medical solution for this medical condition anymore than they would getting treatment for breast cancer. Why purple? Because those of us with this disease are all wounded hearts, because that color hasn't been used yet, and because we, too, are God's children. That makes us royalty.

Saturday, July 4, 2009 Wearing my Purple Ribbon Right now I'm a little concerned about the next few weeks while I wait for my first fill of my new lap band. As I heal from the surgery I can tell that there's less and less restriction from eating larger quantities of food. I'm not hungry yet, and the cravings have not returned in full force--more like twinges. I can generally wait them out. But I'm on a roll. I've lost 20 pounds. I'm already feeling and looking better. I'm in clothes that were too tight last summer. I'm hoping to keep losing while I wait for my first fill. This disease is insidious and just the knowledge that I can eat more makes me want to eat more before the real restriction starts to kick in. I did have a scare this morning. I woke up quite dizzy-twice. I thought I'd better check my blood pressure--it could be too low or too high. I took the pressure in my right arm-which I never do and which my Dr.s never do. It was quite high. I took it in my left arm and it was a little high. Now I'm going to have to start taking it in both arms. I may have to make sure I take it as soon as I get up in the morning to see if I have a sudden surge regularly whenever I get up. It may mean another trip to the Dr. I'm hoping that it was an anomaly, perhaps caused by the change in diet and weight and my body's just adjusting. Mostly my blood pressure has been going down. I also read more on the lap band website and was struck anew by all the guilt people feel who've had lap band sugery. Especially Christians and members of OA and FAA. That is so incredibly sad. There's a lot of debate over whether or not to tell people about it, and who's safe to tell--especially in church and in OA and FAA meetings, which are places we ought to feel safest. I'm glad I made the decision to put it out there for everyone and to make my struggles public. In an earlier blog I said that we ought to hold marathons and walkathons and start wearing purple ribbons to build awareness of this life-threatening disease and to offer support for those who suffer from it as well as dollars for research to help prevent and control it. It worked for breast cancer. I would bet more people die from this disease. In fact, obesity is a risk factor for breast cancer (and heart disease, strokes, colon cancer, diabetes and more). Breast cancer used to be an unmentionable disease. Now we all proudly wear pink ribbons. Let's get obesity and all food addicitons out of the closet and into the light of day so that no one ever has to feel guilty about seeking a medical solution for this medical condition anymore than they would getting treatment for breast cancer. Why purple? Because those of us with this disease are all wounded hearts, because that color hasn't been used yet, and because we, too, are God's children. That makes us royalty.

Thanks for your support everyone. I call yesterday "Cheri and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day." My mom broke her patella (kneecap) and was seeing a Dr. today to determine treatment. THere is no treatment for my dad. He is becoming mildly cognitively impaired, senses it, hates it, and resents me for interfering. He is very ignorant about anything medical but is still very opinionated and badgers my mother into submission. I can't stand it and overcompensate. I made a bad mistake and published the post I put here yesterday on my regular blog which is read by friends and relatives who know my parents. My sister called me on it and I deleted it and apologized in today's blog. I'm going to have to apologize to my dad for our control contest but I'm not ready yet. But it truly was a day from hell. I was so jittery. I think my anger with my dad has been 57 years in the making and without the food those feelings weren't numbed down at all. I'm going to avoid him as much as possible and just go help my mom when he's not there.

ucdep99 Thanks for the prayers and encouragement.

Saturday, July 4, 2009 God Grants Grace, not Guilt I spent a lot of time yesterday and today exploring a lapband website. There's a religious forum with a page for Christians and there's a 12-step forum with a few threads for those attending OA (Overeaters Anonymous) and FAA(Food Addicts Anonymous.) After reading many of the posts I came to a not-so-surprising conclusion. Guilt and shame are a way of life for people suffering from food addiction. People seem to be heaping guilt either on themselves or on others. Christians accuse themselves of gluttony and beat themselves up over that. Other Christians really do say horrible things to them like, "Why are you getting that surgery, why don't you just pray?" Many Christian weight loss groups can have so many rules to follow that most people are bound to fail heaping guilt upon guilt. OA and FAA attenders get accused of taking the "easier, softer way" if they get lap band surgery for which they beat themselves up. They also suffer attacks from the food nazis who have taken over OA and FAA and and who are addicted to adding food restriction upon food restriction and enforcing rule upon rule. Guilt and shame have a horrible history of sabotaging recovery and driving people deeper into the food (or any other addictions). Whether you believe addictions are sin or not (I believe they are brain-based disorders, not sin, that came into this world as a result of sin and that under their influence people do commit sin), beating yourself up over them is a sure-fire path to relapse. Serenity is extremely important in recovery and those consumed by guilt and self-blame have no serenity. We need to break the bondage of guilt. Especially unearned guilt and shame. God gave us the gift of grace, not of guilt. I like to say I gave up guilt for Lent. As far as the rigid rule makers and enforcers--most of these people have simply replaced one type of food obsession with another and their rigid adherance to a code is all they've got. They transfer their internal shame and need for control onto others. It's just another insidious form of this disease. They don't know grace, and hence can't grant it. Someday, Grace will come again and banish all guilt. He will wipe away every tear from our eyes. Come quickly Lord Jesus.

Saturday, July 4, 2009 God Grants Grace, not Guilt I spent a lot of time yesterday and today exploring a lapband website. There's a religious forum with a page for Christians and there's a 12-step forum with a few threads for those attending OA (Overeaters Anonymous) and FAA(Food Addicts Anonymous.) After reading many of the posts I came to a not-so-surprising conclusion. Guilt and shame are a way of life for people suffering from food addiction. People seem to be heaping guilt either on themselves or on others. Christians accuse themselves of gluttony and beat themselves up over that. Other Christians really do say horrible things to them like, "Why are you getting that surgery, why don't you just pray?" Many Christian weight loss groups can have so many rules to follow that most people are bound to fail heaping guilt upon guilt. OA and FAA attenders get accused of taking the "easier, softer way" if they get lap band surgery for which they beat themselves up. They also suffer attacks from the food nazis who have taken over OA and FAA and and who are addicted to adding food restriction upon food restriction and enforcing rule upon rule. Guilt and shame have a horrible history of sabotaging recovery and driving people deeper into the food (or any other addictions). Whether you believe addictions are sin or not (I believe they are brain-based disorders, not sin, that came into this world as a result of sin and that under their influence people do commit sin), beating yourself up over them is a sure-fire path to relapse. Serenity is extremely important in recovery and those consumed by guilt and self-blame have no serenity. We need to break the bondage of guilt. Especially unearned guilt and shame. God gave us the gift of grace, not of guilt. I like to say I gave up guilt for Lent. As far as the rigid rule makers and enforcers--most of these people have simply replaced one type of food obsession with another and their rigid adherance to a code is all they've got. They transfer their internal shame and need for control onto others. It's just another insidious form of this disease. They don't know grace, and hence can't grant it. Someday, Grace will come again and banish all guilt. He will wipe away every tear from our eyes. Come quickly Lord Jesus.

Thursday, July 2, 2009 Food, Farts, and Footwork Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot, the more you toot, the better you feel, so eat beans at every meal. I'm being silly. However, I am eating beans everyday-not the green kind. They're perfect for this soft food stage and high in protein with complex carbs that don't shoot up your blood sugar. So what if they make you fart. I also had some canned salmon which I mixed with cream of mushroom soup (healthy recipe) with no added water or milk instead of mayonaisse. I heated it and added some Le Seur baby peas. Delicious. My husband put his on toast. Salmon ala king. He loved it. I was very careful to eat according to the soft food diet, making sure I didn't drink anything for at least a half an hour before and after each meal. I have found out that it's very easy to cheat and get more food just by adding a little liquid to the meal, making it go down the donut hole faster leaving room to eat more. I've also found that if you eat slowly enough and chew everything thoroughly you can also keep eating. I'm not supposed to eat for more than 30 minutes for a reason. I've been doing quite well, but today I read a lot on a website for lapbanders (who call themselves bandsters) and learned some scary things about people who don't follow the protocol. Right now its the new small stomach and the swelling from putting in the lapband that's creating the feeling of fullness. Some people don't seem to feel that restriction or they make bad food choices and may actually gain weight. The donut hole isn't that small yet. At about 6 weeks after surgery they'll inject the band with saline, expanding the donut to make the hole smaller. This will become necessary as the fat pad against which it rests begins to shrink, making the lapband looser. Some people don't start losing weight until the band has been filled several times. That scared me enough to make me get out the diet info. again and not rely on my admittedly unreliable memory for details. I should tell you also that my neck and lower back, hips, and shoulder are responding to going back on my anti-inflammatory as did sleeping with bolsters and pillows to reset and realign the spine while I slept. I also hung upside down on my incline board for very short periods of time to decompress my spine. Today I stayed mostly very still in a very comfortable position and did nothing to aggravate the discs. Taking care of myself. Listening to my body and letting it heal. Making use of the medical miracles available to me whether surgery or drugs. Working with my new tummy and following not fighting protocol. Asking for prayer. We do the footwork. We show the willingness. We leave the results in God's hands.

Thursday, July 2, 2009 Food, Farts, and Footwork Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot, the more you toot, the better you feel, so eat beans at every meal. I'm being silly. However, I am eating beans everyday-not the green kind. They're perfect for this soft food stage and high in protein with complex carbs that don't shoot up your blood sugar. So what if they make you fart. I also had some canned salmon which I mixed with cream of mushroom soup (healthy recipe) with no added water or milk instead of mayonaisse. I heated it and added some Le Seur baby peas. Delicious. My husband put his on toast. Salmon ala king. He loved it. I was very careful to eat according to the soft food diet, making sure I didn't drink anything for at least a half an hour before and after each meal. I have found out that it's very easy to cheat and get more food just by adding a little liquid to the meal, making it go down the donut hole faster leaving room to eat more. I've also found that if you eat slowly enough and chew everything thoroughly you can also keep eating. I'm not supposed to eat for more than 30 minutes for a reason. I've been doing quite well, but today I read a lot on a website for lapbanders (who call themselves bandsters) and learned some scary things about people who don't follow the protocol. Right now its the new small stomach and the swelling from putting in the lapband that's creating the feeling of fullness. Some people don't seem to feel that restriction or they make bad food choices and may actually gain weight. The donut hole isn't that small yet. At about 6 weeks after surgery they'll inject the band with saline, expanding the donut to make the hole smaller. This will become necessary as the fat pad against which it rests begins to shrink, making the lapband looser. Some people don't start losing weight until the band has been filled several times. That scared me enough to make me get out the diet info. again and not rely on my admittedly unreliable memory for details. I should tell you also that my neck and lower back, hips, and shoulder are responding to going back on my anti-inflammatory as did sleeping with bolsters and pillows to reset and realign the spine while I slept. I also hung upside down on my incline board for very short periods of time to decompress my spine. Today I stayed mostly very still in a very comfortable position and did nothing to aggravate the discs. Taking care of myself. Listening to my body and letting it heal. Making use of the medical miracles available to me whether surgery or drugs. Working with my new tummy and following not fighting protocol. Asking for prayer. We do the footwork. We show the willingness. We leave the results in God's hands.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009 Arthritis set-back I had to go back on my NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug) yesterday. My neck (on which I had major surgery 9 years ago) has been giving me increasing trouble as the NSAIDs anti-inflammatory effects have completely worn off. I went off the drugs in preparation for surgery 3 weeks ago. I was hoping to stay off them since part of my goal is to reduce the number of my medications, but I am full of osteo-arthritis that, though exascerbated by extra weight, is not necessarily caused by it-especially the spinal arthritis and two herniated discs in my neck (unless I've got or am a real fat head, which is possible.) I cleaned something I shouldn't have and I've been having increasing pulsing nerve pain. I also have damage in my shoulder on that side from a fall last winter. Not being a martyr, I've gone back on the drugs and am feeling better. I don't want to have to go through the MRI, physical therapy that never works, and inevitable epidural shots. Someday I may have to have the neck fused (they took out a lot of bone but did not fuse it 9 years ago.) I'm usually very careful how I use my neck (my husband does most of the cleaning) because it is so easily irritated. This kind of pain if it persists has a history of sending me spiralling into depression and into the food. I used to be relatively athletic and very active, a loss that I re-grieve with each new episode; and as the arthritis has grown, so has the weight. The weight, in turn, makes the arthritis worse. The arthritis has made it difficult to control my ADHD with excercise. Swimming, which used to be my best excercise and activity, irritates my neck if I do it very much. I can no longer swing my arms when walking because of the pain it causes in my neck. I have to be very careful with dancing as well, which I also love and seldom do. I've had double knee replacements and shoulder repair (to remove a big spur and repair torn rotator cuff) in addition to the neck surgery. Both my knees and my shoulder started giving me trouble already as a teenager when I was not at all overweight. The weight definitely accelerated the deterioration of the knees. So, now I have to deal with this flare-up without using food to help numb the physical and emotional pain that loss of mobility and pain always causes me. Please pray with me that the pain will subside and that I'll be able to avoid the whole medical scenario I've had to go through too many times in the past. Please pray that I'll be able to deal with the loss of mobility without craving the food. Please pray that the weight loss will make a difference in my pain level because the neck is not the only part of my body that has really started hurting as the NSAIDs left my system. I'm not yet back on my fish oil capsules which I think also helped. Swallowing pills and filling my tiny tummy with them is still difficult and painful. It's disappointing and sad for me to have to go back on these drugs. That means I can't go off my stomach pill either. For now. But with God, all things are possible.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009 Arthritis set-back I had to go back on my NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug) yesterday. My neck (on which I had major surgery 9 years ago) has been giving me increasing trouble as the NSAIDs anti-inflammatory effects have completely worn off. I went off the drugs in preparation for surgery 3 weeks ago. I was hoping to stay off them since part of my goal is to reduce the number of my medications, but I am full of osteo-arthritis that, though exascerbated by extra weight, is not necessarily caused by it-especially the spinal arthritis and two herniated discs in my neck (unless I've got or am a real fat head, which is possible.) I cleaned something I shouldn't have and I've been having increasing pulsing nerve pain. I also have damage in my shoulder on that side from a fall last winter. Not being a martyr, I've gone back on the drugs and am feeling better. I don't want to have to go through the MRI, physical therapy that never works, and inevitable epidural shots. Someday I may have to have the neck fused (they took out a lot of bone but did not fuse it 9 years ago.) I'm usually very careful how I use my neck (my husband does most of the cleaning) because it is so easily irritated. This kind of pain if it persists has a history of sending me spiralling into depression and into the food. I used to be relatively athletic and very active, a loss that I re-grieve with each new episode; and as the arthritis has grown, so has the weight. The weight, in turn, makes the arthritis worse. The arthritis has made it difficult to control my ADHD with excercise. Swimming, which used to be my best excercise and activity, irritates my neck if I do it very much. I can no longer swing my arms when walking because of the pain it causes in my neck. I have to be very careful with dancing as well, which I also love and seldom do. I've had double knee replacements and shoulder repair (to remove a big spur and repair torn rotator cuff) in addition to the neck surgery. Both my knees and my shoulder started giving me trouble already as a teenager when I was not at all overweight. The weight definitely accelerated the deterioration of the knees. So, now I have to deal with this flare-up without using food to help numb the physical and emotional pain that loss of mobility and pain always causes me. Please pray with me that the pain will subside and that I'll be able to avoid the whole medical scenario I've had to go through too many times in the past. Please pray that I'll be able to deal with the loss of mobility without craving the food. Please pray that the weight loss will make a difference in my pain level because the neck is not the only part of my body that has really started hurting as the NSAIDs left my system. I'm not yet back on my fish oil capsules which I think also helped. Swallowing pills and filling my tiny tummy with them is still difficult and painful. It's disappointing and sad for me to have to go back on these drugs. That means I can't go off my stomach pill either. For now. But with God, all things are possible.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009 Arthritis set-back I had to go back on my NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug) yesterday. My neck (on which I had major surgery 9 years ago) has been giving me increasing trouble as the NSAIDs anti-inflammatory effects have completely worn off. I went off the drugs in preparation for surgery 3 weeks ago. I was hoping to stay off them since part of my goal is to reduce the number of my medications, but I am full of osteo-arthritis that, though exascerbated by extra weight, is not necessarily caused by it-especially the spinal arthritis and two herniated discs in my neck (unless I've got or am a real fat head, which is possible.) I cleaned something I shouldn't have and I've been having increasing pulsing nerve pain. I also have damage in my shoulder on that side from a fall last winter. Not being a martyr, I've gone back on the drugs and am feeling better. I don't want to have to go through the MRI, physical therapy that never works, and inevitable epidural shots. Someday I may have to have the neck fused (they took out a lot of bone but did not fuse it 9 years ago.) I'm usually very careful how I use my neck (my husband does most of the cleaning) because it is so easily irritated. This kind of pain if it persists has a history of sending me spiralling into depression and into the food. I used to be relatively athletic and very active, a loss that I re-grieve with each new episode; and as the arthritis has grown, so has the weight. The weight, in turn, makes the arthritis worse. The arthritis has made it difficult to control my ADHD with excercise. Swimming, which used to be my best excercise and activity, irritates my neck if I do it very much. I can no longer swing my arms when walking because of the pain it causes in my neck. I have to be very careful with dancing as well, which I also love and seldom do. I've had double knee replacements and shoulder repair (to remove a big spur and repair torn rotator cuff) in addition to the neck surgery. Both my knees and my shoulder started giving me trouble already as a teenager when I was not at all overweight. The weight definitely accelerated the deterioration of the knees. So, now I have to deal with this flare-up without using food to help numb the physical and emotional pain that loss of mobility and pain always causes me. Please pray with me that the pain will subside and that I'll be able to avoid the whole medical scenario I've had to go through too many times in the past. Please pray that I'll be able to deal with the loss of mobility without craving the food. Please pray that the weight loss will make a difference in my pain level because the neck is not the only part of my body that has really started hurting as the NSAIDs left my system. I'm not yet back on my fish oil capsules which I think also helped. Swallowing pills and filling my tiny tummy with them is still difficult and painful. It's disappointing and sad for me to have to go back on these drugs. That means I can't go off my stomach pill either. For now. But with God, all things are possible.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009 Arthritis set-back I had to go back on my NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug) yesterday. My neck (on which I had major surgery 9 years ago) has been giving me increasing trouble as the NSAIDs anti-inflammatory effects have completely worn off. I went off the drugs in preparation for surgery 3 weeks ago. I was hoping to stay off them since part of my goal is to reduce the number of my medications, but I am full of osteo-arthritis that, though exascerbated by extra weight, is not necessarily caused by it-especially the spinal arthritis and two herniated discs in my neck (unless I've got or am a real fat head, which is possible.) I cleaned something I shouldn't have and I've been having increasing pulsing nerve pain. I also have damage in my shoulder on that side from a fall last winter. Not being a martyr, I've gone back on the drugs and am feeling better. I don't want to have to go through the MRI, physical therapy that never works, and inevitable epidural shots. Someday I may have to have the neck fused (they took out a lot of bone but did not fuse it 9 years ago.) I'm usually very careful how I use my neck (my husband does most of the cleaning) because it is so easily irritated. This kind of pain if it persists has a history of sending me spiralling into depression and into the food. I used to be relatively athletic and very active, a loss that I re-grieve with each new episode; and as the arthritis has grown, so has the weight. The weight, in turn, makes the arthritis worse. The arthritis has made it difficult to control my ADHD with excercise. Swimming, which used to be my best excercise and activity, irritates my neck if I do it very much. I can no longer swing my arms when walking because of the pain it causes in my neck. I have to be very careful with dancing as well, which I also love and seldom do. I've had double knee replacements and shoulder repair (to remove a big spur and repair torn rotator cuff) in addition to the neck surgery. Both my knees and my shoulder started giving me trouble already as a teenager when I was not at all overweight. The weight definitely accelerated the deterioration of the knees. So, now I have to deal with this flare-up without using food to help numb the physical and emotional pain that loss of mobility and pain always causes me. Please pray with me that the pain will subside and that I'll be able to avoid the whole medical scenario I've had to go through too many times in the past. Please pray that I'll be able to deal with the loss of mobility without craving the food. Please pray that the weight loss will make a difference in my pain level because the neck is not the only part of my body that has really started hurting as the NSAIDs left my system. I'm not yet back on my fish oil capsules which I think also helped. Swallowing pills and filling my tiny tummy with them is still difficult and painful. It's disappointing and sad for me to have to go back on these drugs. That means I can't go off my stomach pill either. For now. But with God, all things are possible.

If you are a Christian woman who suspects you might have some ADHD you might be interested in checking out my blog at IF YOUR STOMACH OFFENDS YOU, TIE IT OFF This post in particular gets into how it affected me. Wednesday, July 8, 2009 Did Adam and Eve have Bellybuttons? One of the craziest arguments I ever got into was about whether Adam and Eve had bellybuttons. Some argued that since they were never born they wouldn't have had an umbilical cord. Others argued that they had to have had them or could not have genetically passed them on to their children. This was back when I was a freshman in college and as you can tell, this was a fairly conservative group of Christian young people. It's a which came first, the chicken or the egg kind of dilemma. The same thing is true of trying to get at the root causes of compulsive overeating. Their seems to be more and more evidence of brain chemistry at work in food addictions as well as genetic pre-dispositions to having these problems. At the same time, emotional factors seem to play a big role in all eating disorders and for some people seem to have been the trigger for their addictions. Social and spiritual issues are also involved. Chicken or egg? Likewise, in dealing with compulsive overeating, a variety of tools is needed to find recovery. Some people find it helpful to to keep track of their food and plan it ahead of time. I have no problem with this as long as they don't expect me to do it, too. Just thinking about doing it makes me want to eat. I don't have a problem with it as long as it doesn't become just another form of the disease, another food obsession, with the restrictions reaching the point of ridiculousness. I knew one man who was genuinely allergic to gluten so he eliminated all gluten from his diet and felt much better. He was no longer heavy but he decided he was addicted to carbs, especially simple carbs and eliminated all carbs other than fruits and vegetables. Then he switched from caffeine to decaf but decided decaf was now an addiction and had to be eliminated. Of course, sugar substitutes were an addiction, and oversized portions were an addiction so he weighed and measured everything. I don't think he ate red meat. His food plan became his bible. He and another woman who didn't have the gluten issue but had been massively overweight and followed the same food plan combined forces and began promoting their food plan in OA meetings. Many people asked them to be sponsors because they appeared to be successful in conquering their food addiction. Those of us who didn't adopt their plan began to feel like misfits. Eventually they formed their own recovery business, divorced their respective spouses and married each other. When I went back to OA recently I saw a lot of that same mentality. The fact is that I am totally incapable of that kind of rigidity. I really am officially diagnosed as ADHD and my friends and co-workers know it and joke about it with me. I designed my job so that my assistants would take care of all paperwork and details and organization that drive me crazy. At home my husband does the same. This has freed me up to stop trying to be someone I'm not, and allowed me to do what I'm really good at--teaching and tutoring at-risk students with all my creative juices flowing, with flexibility and the ability to change lesson plans in a heartbeat and fly by the seat of my pants in a new direction when the situation needs it. Many of the emotional issues that contribute to my eating disorder arise from being an ADHD girl in a school, church, and social setting where that was not acceptable (it hadn't even been given a name, yet). Its taken me a long time to learn to love my ADHD and the gifts its given me. I can't be around people who trigger that old shame from my childhood, people who think that everyone should be able to recover using the same rigid techniques. This past year I really saw and measured the progress my students made over time, I saw ideas I had bloom and take on a life of their own in ways that really helped and will help the school. My classroom and my work have been enormously blessed. My ability to see the big picture and implement a long-term vision for my classroom paid off. My classroom is where I am most myself, where my ADHD is my biggest asset. I think that's partly what gave me the courage to go ahead with the lapband. I picked a tool that works for me and coordinates well with my ADHD. Instead of ADHD being the trigger for compulsive overeating, I'm letting it be part of the cure. This blog is evidence of that. I am becoming the person God has always meant for me to be. I am doing the good work he set aside for me to do. I will not be made over into the image of those who would shame me for not being like them. I want to be made over more and more into his image. I want to hear, "Well done my good and faithful servant. Enter into my rest."

The connection between ADHD and compulsive eating is something I've been noticing in myself for some time. I've never actually read an article directly connecting them, but ADHD in women is known to cause depression and low self-esteem since it often affects our ability to keep up with things that are automatically expected of women--like neat clean houses, organized schedules, following recipes, etc. We spend a lot of time trying to be good at things we're not good at, and trying to fit the mold which nobody really does but we're not even close. Eating has always helped me concentrate and focus and sit still.

Had a terrible day today. My mom and I were going to ride the train to downtown Chi-town and couldn't find parking that wasn't permit parking in time to make the train. We decided to wait to catch the next, but then were told we were not in a valid parking spot. My mom, in hurrying to find out where we could park didn't see that she was on a 3 sided stoop with no railings and fell on her knee. (She's 76) She opted not to go for an x-ray and I took her home and propped up her knee, got pain meds in her, and started icing the knee. She was able to limp on that leg. My dad came home and eventually she had to use the washroom. She couldn't get out of the chair and my dad tried to turn the lounge chair with her in it (he's 81) and we both yelled at him to stop. He took offense. We managed to get my mom out of the chair and she used a walker to get to the washroom but had trouble gettin up from the toilet. She came out and said she wanted to call my bro who is a physician who lives in Mich. My dad said why bother, he can't come here to see it. (They have free long distance and why he should deny her calling someone for advice made no sense.) My mom was still walking around which I was afraid would cause even more pain and swelling once she sat down so I said I thought she should sit down and not keep walking. My dad told me I should just shut up. I screamed at him that he should shut up, that he knew nothing about medicine and he was too bossy, Then I went to the phone and called my brother who told us to take my mom to the hospital. Even though she could walk people her age might not feel that the bone (end of the tibia) behind the patella (kneecap) could be broken. So he ended up taking her there even though he had said she should wait a few days and see how she was doing. My poor mom. It's partly her fault because she's incredibly indecisive and has never handled my dad's bossiness well. I generally present her with options and try not to make the decisions for her, but its hard. Anyway, the whole day was a bust. I feel terrible for yelling at my dad but I'm still angry. I'm writing about it because normally I'd really get into the food about now. And I haven't even talked about my car. Let's just say its making more noise than my stomach and once I got my son to take it seriously he discovered major issues and now I've got to decide whether to fix it or replace it and I hate buying cars and I've got conflicting advice from my husband, my son, and my dad. aargh.

Had a terrible day today. My mom and I were going to ride the train to downtown Chi-town and couldn't find parking that wasn't permit parking in time to make the train. We decided to wait to catch the next, but then were told we were not in a valid parking spot. My mom, in hurrying to find out where we could park didn't see that she was on a 3 sided stoop with no railings and fell on her knee. (She's 76) She opted not to go for an x-ray and I took her home and propped up her knee, got pain meds in her, and started icing the knee. She was able to limp on that leg. My dad came home and eventually she had to use the washroom. She couldn't get out of the chair and my dad tried to turn the lounge chair with her in it (he's 81) and we both yelled at him to stop. He took offense. We managed to get my mom out of the chair and she used a walker to get to the washroom but had trouble gettin up from the toilet. She came out and said she wanted to call my bro who is a physician who lives in Mich. My dad said why bother, he can't come here to see it. (They have free long distance and why he should deny her calling someone for advice made no sense.) My mom was still walking around which I was afraid would cause even more pain and swelling once she sat down so I said I thought she should sit down and not keep walking. My dad told me I should just shut up. I screamed at him that he should shut up, that he knew nothing about medicine and he was too bossy, Then I went to the phone and called my brother who told us to take my mom to the hospital. Even though she could walk people her age might not feel that the bone (end of the tibia) behind the patella (kneecap) could be broken. So he ended up taking her there even though he had said she should wait a few days and see how she was doing. My poor mom. It's partly her fault because she's incredibly indecisive and has never handled my dad's bossiness well. I generally present her with options and try not to make the decisions for her, but its hard. Anyway, the whole day was a bust. I feel terrible for yelling at my dad but I'm still angry. I'm writing about it because normally I'd really get into the food about now. And I haven't even talked about my car. Let's just say its making more noise than my stomach and once I got my son to take it seriously he discovered major issues and now I've got to decide whether to fix it or replace it and I hate buying cars and I've got conflicting advice from my husband, my son, and my dad. aargh.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009 Apologies I had an excellent comment on my post of 2 days ago. Although I did not mean to trivialize the difficulties of thinner people who struggle with food, it came off that way. People who are thin can also struggle with food obsession and addiction and are as desperate as those who show the disease outwardly. I'm putting the comment out here as today's post. It's said better than I could ever say it. "I would just like to add something to this posting. Being a certain weight does not always determine the severity of an eating disorder. "Skinny" or "normal weight" people (that may not be obviously struggling with food issues) may be dealing with food addiction/aversion issues far worse than their outward appearance shows. Bulimia, anorexia, and generalized disordered eating are unfortunately extremely common now, and these eating disorders cause serious health problems that can be fatal- just like food addiction and overeating. Also, "poor body image" and "falling for the fashion industry's body prototype" are serious issues that plague many women and should not be taken lightly...just like food addiction shouldn't. Many of the comments that women make that cause hurt for others are simply an indication that they have some sort of food issue of their own they are struggling with. I think it is important to remember that when we see someone who may look perfect to the outside world, they are just as likely to be struggling with food issues as anyone else. Like you said- these are diseases. Disorders and diseases associated with food don't always make people overweight (and therefore aren't always easy to spot). Disorders associated with food also rarely have anything to do with the persons actual outside appearance, so the "lucky" people who are thin and appear fit do not always see themselves the way others do. In fact, they can be just as tortured by food addiction and disease as people who are overweight and addicted to food. " Thank you for that much needed correction and insight

Tuesday, June 30, 2009 Apologies I had an excellent comment on my post of 2 days ago. Although I did not mean to trivialize the difficulties of thinner people who struggle with food, it came off that way. People who are thin can also struggle with food obsession and addiction and are as desperate as those who show the disease outwardly. I'm putting the comment out here as today's post. It's said better than I could ever say it. "I would just like to add something to this posting. Being a certain weight does not always determine the severity of an eating disorder. "Skinny" or "normal weight" people (that may not be obviously struggling with food issues) may be dealing with food addiction/aversion issues far worse than their outward appearance shows. Bulimia, anorexia, and generalized disordered eating are unfortunately extremely common now, and these eating disorders cause serious health problems that can be fatal- just like food addiction and overeating. Also, "poor body image" and "falling for the fashion industry's body prototype" are serious issues that plague many women and should not be taken lightly...just like food addiction shouldn't. Many of the comments that women make that cause hurt for others are simply an indication that they have some sort of food issue of their own they are struggling with. I think it is important to remember that when we see someone who may look perfect to the outside world, they are just as likely to be struggling with food issues as anyone else. Like you said- these are diseases. Disorders and diseases associated with food don't always make people overweight (and therefore aren't always easy to spot). Disorders associated with food also rarely have anything to do with the persons actual outside appearance, so the "lucky" people who are thin and appear fit do not always see themselves the way others do. In fact, they can be just as tortured by food addiction and disease as people who are overweight and addicted to food. " Thank you for that much needed correction and insight

Monday, June 29, 2009 Trivia Lost between 15-20 lbs. Ate Tilapia and Cauliflower twice today. Ate tiny bites well-chewed, but still, real food. Egg whites need to have milk, dash salt, chili pepper, and ground pepper, fork whipped, fried in Pam, and sprinkled with low-fat Mexican cheese. Otherwise throw them out. Get 32 oz. fluid intake and your milk intake by using decaf coffee poured over ice with milk and Splenda. Sip slowly and enjoy. One in the morning, one in the afternoon. Refried beans with green chiles, sprinkled with low-fat Mexican cheese, with green hot sauce, tastes pretty good and gives you protein. Protein comes before everything else. Eat it first and most. The stomach doesn't hold a lot and the body needs protein to heal and to keep the body from losing muscle while losing weight. Feel free to fart frequently

Monday, June 29, 2009 Trivia Lost between 15-20 lbs. Ate Tilapia and Cauliflower twice today. Ate tiny bites well-chewed, but still, real food. Egg whites need to have milk, dash salt, chili pepper, and ground pepper, fork whipped, fried in Pam, and sprinkled with low-fat Mexican cheese. Otherwise throw them out. Get 32 oz. fluid intake and your milk intake by using decaf coffee poured over ice with milk and Splenda. Sip slowly and enjoy. One in the morning, one in the afternoon. Refried beans with green chiles, sprinkled with low-fat Mexican cheese, with green hot sauce, tastes pretty good and gives you protein. Protein comes before everything else. Eat it first and most. The stomach doesn't hold a lot and the body needs protein to heal and to keep the body from losing muscle while losing weight. Feel free to fart frequently

Sunday, June 28, 2009 Wow! Wow! I just reread yesterday's post. I must have had that one percolating for a long time. I wonder if those of you who don't really struggle with this eating disorder know what its like to sit and listen when you make comments about other people's weight, when you brush off the seriousness of the disease by saying, "Oh, everyone struggles with that!" No, they don't. Other people may have to watch their weight or think they have to watch their weight. They may have a few pounds to lose. If they are successful they are quick to tell everyone what worked for them, especially to those who have much more to lose than they did. But they don't wake up fixated on what food they'll eat that day. Food doesn't dominate their lives. It hasn't wrecked their health. So many women talk about their weight and their need to lose pounds when the only thing wrong with them is poor body image and falling for the fashion industries anorexic portrayal of what women are supposed to look like. Most of us who have this disease would give almost anything to look like you. I would give anything to look the way I did as a teenager--when I thought I was fat and first started dieting. You may never directly have criticized us or put us down. You may never directly have implied that we should have more willpower. You don't have to. We internalize all the looks and comments you make about others and about yourselves and your imaginary fat. We supply the shame ourselves. And shame turns into blame. It's society's fault, it's my parent's fault, it's emotional eating, it's the result of being depressed, ADHD, whatever. Those can be contributing factors. But basically, we were born with a predisposition to food addiction--some more severely than others. This is not gluttony. We eat out of compulsion. Some days we fight the compulsion more successfully than others. Some of the shame we feel dies away when we know and can accept that those compulsions are part of the way we were made, like the color of our eyes, or having knock knees. Seeking medical solutions is a healthy way to take care of ourselves--like my granddaughter getting orthotics to help straighten out her rapidly growing legs to prevent future problems. Praise God for supplying our needs medically--for inspiring Dr.s to come up with improved methods to help us beat this life-threatening disease. Maybe we need to come up with marathons and walkathons and purple ribbons to raise money and awareness and to show support for those of us fighting this disease. Purple because our hearts are wounded. Purple because all the other good colors are taken. Purple because we too, are God's childen. That makes us royalty.

Sunday, June 28, 2009 Wow! Wow! I just reread yesterday's post. I must have had that one percolating for a long time. I wonder if those of you who don't really struggle with this eating disorder know what its like to sit and listen when you make comments about other people's weight, when you brush off the seriousness of the disease by saying, "Oh, everyone struggles with that!" No, they don't. Other people may have to watch their weight or think they have to watch their weight. They may have a few pounds to lose. If they are successful they are quick to tell everyone what worked for them, especially to those who have much more to lose than they did. But they don't wake up fixated on what food they'll eat that day. Food doesn't dominate their lives. It hasn't wrecked their health. So many women talk about their weight and their need to lose pounds when the only thing wrong with them is poor body image and falling for the fashion industries anorexic portrayal of what women are supposed to look like. Most of us who have this disease would give almost anything to look like you. I would give anything to look the way I did as a teenager--when I thought I was fat and first started dieting. You may never directly have criticized us or put us down. You may never directly have implied that we should have more willpower. You don't have to. We internalize all the looks and comments you make about others and about yourselves and your imaginary fat. We supply the shame ourselves. And shame turns into blame. It's society's fault, it's my parent's fault, it's emotional eating, it's the result of being depressed, ADHD, whatever. Those can be contributing factors. But basically, we were born with a predisposition to food addiction--some more severely than others. This is not gluttony. We eat out of compulsion. Some days we fight the compulsion more successfully than others. Some of the shame we feel dies away when we know and can accept that those compulsions are part of the way we were made, like the color of our eyes, or having knock knees. Seeking medical solutions is a healthy way to take care of ourselves--like my granddaughter getting orthotics to help straighten out her rapidly growing legs to prevent future problems. Praise God for supplying our needs medically--for inspiring Dr.s to come up with improved methods to help us beat this life-threatening disease. Maybe we need to come up with marathons and walkathons and purple ribbons to raise money and awareness and to show support for those of us fighting this disease. Purple because our hearts are wounded. Purple because all the other good colors are taken. Purple because we too, are God's childen. That makes us royalty.