LittleBird

For my journal readers here is a bit more about me: I am 31 and the mother of two children - my daughter is 14 years old and my son is 10. I'm newly married *3rd and last time!* to a man who is 18 years my senior. I was first married at 16 - to my DD father - divorced by 19 and remarried at 22. That one didn't work after 7 years of marriage. I'm married again - more secure now, more mature, more sure of myself. The kids have had a hard time adjusting to the change... I have a day job and also own my own online company. (www.providerwatch.com and www.findadaycare.com) I enjoy living in Western Washington for the weather, the green, and the fact I can get in the car and drive somewhere. NOT like when I lived in Anchorage, Alaska! I write - poetry mostly. I love music - listening to it cause I don't have a musical bone in my body. I love to read - anything from fiction to interesting non fiction. I think I'm more serious than I should be.... From the thread "Why are you Fat?" My weight gain began about 9 years ago - it was a slow process that began with excessive drinking - high calorie drinks -depression...I gained about 30 pounds those first few years, lost some and have steadily increased reaching my all time high - currently 255. I quit drinking a year ago - eat more to replace it - and have worked at a desk job for 3 years. That combined with no physical activity. I ENJOY food, its emotional for me. When I cook and enjoy a good meal, it feels good deep down. But this good feeling is followed by guilt and remorse. When I feel full - I feel guilty. I think about being fat from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed at night and sometimes in my sleep. The bottom line is I overeat, food is emotional satisfaction, and I sit on my a$$ at work all day.

For my journal readers here is a bit more about me: I am 31 and the mother of two children - my daughter is 14 years old and my son is 10. I'm newly married *3rd and last time!* to a man who is 18 years my senior. I was first married at 16 - to my DD father - divorced by 19 and remarried at 22. That one didn't work after 7 years of marriage. I'm married again - more secure now, more mature, more sure of myself. The kids have had a hard time adjusting to the change... I have a day job and also own my own online company. (www.providerwatch.com and www.findadaycare.com) I enjoy living in Western Washington for the weather, the green, and the fact I can get in the car and drive somewhere. NOT like when I lived in Anchorage, Alaska! I write - poetry mostly. I love music - listening to it cause I don't have a musical bone in my body. I love to read - anything from fiction to interesting non fiction. I think I'm more serious than I should be.... From the thread "Why are you Fat?" My weight gain began about 9 years ago - it was a slow process that began with excessive drinking - high calorie drinks -depression...I gained about 30 pounds those first few years, lost some and have steadily increased reaching my all time high - currently 255. I quit drinking a year ago - eat more to replace it - and have worked at a desk job for 3 years. That combined with no physical activity. I ENJOY food, its emotional for me. When I cook and enjoy a good meal, it feels good deep down. But this good feeling is followed by guilt and remorse. When I feel full - I feel guilty. I think about being fat from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed at night and sometimes in my sleep. The bottom line is I overeat, food is emotional satisfaction, and I sit on my a$$ at work all day.

I went looking back through my photos to find a "goal" photo when I decided to have the sugery - I realized as l looked at them that in each one I can remember thinking "god I'm fat" "i look terrible" etc. I was wearing a size 10 in some of them! What I would do to be there again! What I realized was the last time I felt good about my body was when I was 18 year old. My daughter was 1 year old (yes I got an early start) AND I had a tan!! I'll find the pic and scan it in.

Has anyone really seen the news stories today? I don't have TV to see what is really going on....I'm a little stressed flying so soon (for surgery) after something like this - but as I told my DD - I'm just going to San Diego - not an international flight. Anyone else flying soon?

I checked for grubs - nothing...The grass is firmly in the ground. I think it just must be from the septic. I told my DH to deal with it!

I walked last night, but it was interrupted my a fit from my son (Long story) and then I got back on the treadmill to continue - did another .5 miles for a total of 1 mile (I think) but then I was so distracted, I didn't stretch. I'm feeling that today!!! Dang, I didn't realize how much that helps the next day. Drank a bunch of water to keep from munching or "thinking" I was hungry - pee'd every 10 minutes - maybe not every 10 minutes, but 5 times during one movie with DH. My period is due to start any day now - I could tell from the cramps this morning. GREAT - just what I need - I'll be on my period for the surgery.... Excited, nervous, and worried about this being the right decision...I'd like to think that 2nd thoughts are common. I went to be last night repeating in my head all the wonderful things people have said post op - I will do this and I will feel great about it. That just doesn't stop me from being a little worried...

I walked last night, but it was interrupted my a fit from my son (Long story) and then I got back on the treadmill to continue - did another .5 miles for a total of 1 mile (I think) but then I was so distracted, I didn't stretch. I'm feeling that today!!! Dang, I didn't realize how much that helps the next day. Drank a bunch of water to keep from munching or "thinking" I was hungry - pee'd every 10 minutes - maybe not every 10 minutes, but 5 times during one movie with DH. My period is due to start any day now - I could tell from the cramps this morning. GREAT - just what I need - I'll be on my period for the surgery.... Excited, nervous, and worried about this being the right decision...I'd like to think that 2nd thoughts are common. I went to be last night repeating in my head all the wonderful things people have said post op - I will do this and I will feel great about it. That just doesn't stop me from being a little worried...

I try not to , but I weigh every morning - DH said he was going to throw it away - but I think it does - it keeps you on track. As I was gaining -before the surgery came into play - I had stopped weighing because it was too depressing. So - weighing when losing I think is ok. When I see I've lost I'm off to a great start for the day. I ONLY weigh in the AM - Naked with an empty bladder of course!! ***sad I know - but you guys do that too, right?! ***crickets chirping *** Guys?

BBrecruiter - would you feel comfortable posting pics of any scarring you have fromthe TT? Since it's been a while I for one would love to see how it looks after healing. I saw photos of a recent TT and it turned me off from teh idea of ever having it done....If you can share, I would be grateful...I'm sure it would help others too.

I just had a post about this in my journal - eating at night.... We get this dip from Haggens called "Smoked Chipotle Dip" and if its in the fridge it SCREAMS my name - very hard to resist...yea, I think I ate that last night too come to think of it....Dang it!

I'd suggest walking or water excercise.

Ok so with 7 days left - even thought the Nutritionist said I don't have to - I figured I would go with the shake, shake, greens with balsalmic vinegar diet. I just got back from the store - got my "greens" and balsalmic vinegar and have sat down to eat it - YUK! Must be the greens because I acutally like vinegar dressing....Next time I'll go with iceburg lettuce. If I don't puke I'll be doing good...

Ok so with 7 days left - even thought the Nutritionist said I don't have to - I figured I would go with the shake, shake, greens with balsalmic vinegar diet. I just got back from the store - got my "greens" and balsalmic vinegar and have sat down to eat it - YUK! Must be the greens because I acutally like vinegar dressing....Next time I'll go with iceburg lettuce. If I don't puke I'll be doing good...

I good "help and tutorial" section would eliminate the need for posts on the subject (tickers are a prime example and photos) Having the "chat" fixed would be great. It sounds like the rest of the list is wonderful. This has been the most amazing forum I've ever been a part of....Ok well maybe the only one, but thats because the rest weren't any good!

Thanks for sharing. I'm looking forward to the day I can share my input on these things!

I've wondered long, long term, what things look like...You know like 30-35 years down the road - praying I live that long! *wink* But with a 15 year history I guess we won't know for another 15 years.

thats great! Thanks for sharing.

You'll do great! Keep us posted.

Thanks for that...I'm happy to know I'm not the only one who has gone through this. Your surgery is tomorrow?? How exciting!!

Since I faithfully gave up smoking (I'm doing GREAT with it now!) I've been eating at night. It's like I'm asleep, but not all the way - I get up, I eat - and not stuff I'm supposed to be eating!! Crap, like the leftover pizza last night (one piece of that last night) - or the chips (which I HATE having in the house anyway) left over from our BBQ, or a handful of chocolate chips - just the chips, no cookie...It's like an obsession. I do great all day - then at night it all goes out the window.... It's gotten worse these last few days and I feel horrible about it. WHAT DO I DO? I'm afraid its fucked up my (sorry about the language, but hey its my journal!) weight loss before surgery. I might be over reacting but I still feel bad. Quit drinking, quit eating, quit smoking - all my vices are gone and I feel like I'm trying to hold on to one of those slippery Water toys - the water worm? I try to hold on, but it slips out of my hand - *sigh* Can I do this? How do I REPLACE my vices with something good for me??

I walked 1 mile in 20 mins (3 mph average, but with some bursts of speed up to 5 mph!!) last night. Then added 6 more minutes...That's the good news. Only one more week till surgery! The bad news is since I faithfully gave up smoking (I'm doing GREAT with it now!) I've been eating at night. It's like I'm asleep, but not all the way - I get up, I eat - and not stuff I'm supposed to be eating!! Crap, like the leftover pizza last night (one piece of that last night) - or the chips (which I HATE having in the house anyway) left over from our BBQ, or a handful of chocolate chips - just the chips, no cookie...It's like an obsession. I do great all day - then at night it all goes out the window.... It's gotten worse these last few days and I feel horrible about it. WHAT DO I DO? I'm afraid its fucked up my (sorry about the language, but hey its my journal!) weight loss before surgery. I might be over reacting but I still feel bad. Quit drinking, quit eating, quit smoking - all my vices are gone and I feel like I'm trying to hold on to one of those slippery water toys - the water worm? I try to hold on, but it slips out of my hand - *sigh* Can I do this? How do I REPLACE my vices with something good for me??

I walked 1 mile in 20 mins (3 mph average, but with some bursts of speed up to 5 mph!!) last night. Then added 6 more minutes...That's the good news. Only one more week till surgery! The bad news is since I faithfully gave up smoking (I'm doing GREAT with it now!) I've been eating at night. It's like I'm asleep, but not all the way - I get up, I eat - and not stuff I'm supposed to be eating!! Crap, like the leftover pizza last night (one piece of that last night) - or the chips (which I HATE having in the house anyway) left over from our BBQ, or a handful of chocolate chips - just the chips, no cookie...It's like an obsession. I do great all day - then at night it all goes out the window.... It's gotten worse these last few days and I feel horrible about it. WHAT DO I DO? I'm afraid its fucked up my (sorry about the language, but hey its my journal!) weight loss before surgery. I might be over reacting but I still feel bad. Quit drinking, quit eating, quit smoking - all my vices are gone and I feel like I'm trying to hold on to one of those slippery water toys - the water worm? I try to hold on, but it slips out of my hand - *sigh* Can I do this? How do I REPLACE my vices with something good for me??

Well I like this one so far - I had already ordered it - but it makes me queasy. I talked to the "supplier" today and she said take it with food. Tastes like vitaminy fruit juice. I'll try "food" and see what I feel like then. I don't like the fact that it DOES have carbs so I'll look at some of your suggestions.... Also - at 98% absorption I would think it doesn't need as much as the pills that only absorb 10%...so less potent would make sense to me....

I do have a septic tank and its out there somewhere - what I wonder is if its the tank - does that mean there is a problem with the tank or just the grass reacting to it?? I know you guys probably aren't lawn experts, but just bouncing things off you....

My thought was the tank - but do you think that means there is something wrong with it? I googled "brown circle in my lawn" and got a few grub stories...I'll have to check that out when I get home. I don't think its from a spill....nothing that I know of anyway. Aliens are a distinct possiblity....