BeacheeGirl

:mad: My fill hasn't restricted me but I'm trying to eat just bits because where I'm from we have Fiesta once a year and celebrate Old Spanish Days. It is very important to us hispanics in my community. I recently ran into one of my old friends from a fraternity my 1st love was in - Q-dogz Omega Psi Phi! My first love was soooo sweet to me and we stayed in touch for about 10 years before finally losing touch. He invited me to a Fiesta Party where all the old peeps from our group will be there - including some Kappa's, Sigma and Alpha's. It would really be nice to see some of them including one of the Delta girls I was really good friends with when I was younger. I haven't seen anyone since my mid-twenties and when I was a size 7/9. I really hope I lose a lot of weight b4 then, I don't want everyone to be like "DAAAMMMMn girl, you blew up!". LOL....we'll see. I'm gonna work out every day this week. Crossing my fingers.

:mad: My fill hasn't restricted me but I'm trying to eat just bits because where I'm from we have Fiesta once a year and celebrate Old Spanish Days. It is very important to us hispanics in my community. I recently ran into one of my old friends from a fraternity my 1st love was in - Q-dogz Omega Psi Phi! My first love was soooo sweet to me and we stayed in touch for about 10 years before finally losing touch. He invited me to a Fiesta Party where all the old peeps from our group will be there - including some Kappa's, Sigma and Alpha's. It would really be nice to see some of them including one of the Delta girls I was really good friends with when I was younger. I haven't seen anyone since my mid-twenties and when I was a size 7/9. I really hope I lose a lot of weight b4 then, I don't want everyone to be like "DAAAMMMMn girl, you blew up!". LOL....we'll see. I'm gonna work out every day this week. Crossing my fingers.

I've actually thought about that Niche. Perhaps I am running from something. That's a point I should bring up with my counselor. Although, nothing would ever tear me away from my husband - when I see him, I don't see color, I just see LOVE. Maybe because I was molested by an Asian man that I found black men the FARTHEST from that race - so no reminders of that incident. I really don't know though. All I know is I love my husband and my son and daughter and wouldn't trade them for the world :- ) Although I did have issues with my family and some of their ways of raising us and I had to leave home young - the one thing they didn't teach me was racism. My parents are an interracial couple and we always had many, many friends around that were different nationalities. I never thought twice when I met my sons father of bringing him home to meet my family. They have never even mentioned anything to me about my choices. They love my son and my husband like they do all their son-in-laws and grandkids. Divanita - Glad you like me :confused: I'm such a crazy dork though most of the time. I always make fun of myself and I'm such a goofball if you knew me. Where do you live?

I was Internet browsing/shopping today and I found this site that has CUTE plus size clothes....here's the link: www.alight.com

I'm doing okay. I talked to a therapist (thanks to your research) and I have an appointment on Wednesday afternoon. I am trying to keep busy. I swim and go to the gym a lot, weekdays are fine, weekends are the hard time. My mood right now is glum, but that's part of being crazy, one minute I'm up, one minute I'm down. The interesting things about my counselor is she specializes, in interracial relationships. That's a hoot because that's what me and hubby are. In fact I have never, ever dated a white man. Just not attracted to them (BORING). And, when my family abandoned me when I was a teenager the only people that accepted me were my black friends and family. I'm hispanic and white myself...but have never felt "part" of any community but my black family. In high school people used to tease me about being a N#$#$ lover but it never bothered me really (I just felt sorry for them because they are missing out). Now I run into those same people here and there and they are all into rap and stuff, very funny to me. In fact, one girl who was mean to me and always made fun of me and talked so much ish when I got pregnant with my son and married his father, actually came up to me at a bar a few years ago and said "omg! guess what! I DATE BLACK GUYS NOW! We should hang out" - I just laughed and walked away. This is a lilly white girl who would never, ever, bring a black man home but turned out she was slumming for a few years and I hear she just married a white guy. See, my moods, I go on a tangeant and I just ramble and ramble and ramble. LOL, it was funny though thinking about that stuff.

So many good points. I can take both points of view no problem I AM not sensitive in the least. I have very thick skin and I'm very goofy and I probably make more fun of myself then anyone could EVER do. Don't ever, ever worry about offending me. You would have to talk bad about my kids or something like that to bother me. 3 Loves - I think the spirit did move you to take those notes for me. I need spiritual counsel. I can't go back to my old church. It's very complicated. But, I need to work on my Bible personal study. I'm not sure what scripture it is but this haunts me all the time "Faith without works is dead". I'm dead. Leila, my husband is an atheist and we manage to co-exist together quite well. I love him dearly. While I pray for God to move his heart to accept God, my husband plays to the Buddha Bud gods for me to shut the hell up! LOL. I definitely can appreciate your points of view as well. I wonder what it would be like sometime to have no accountability to God. My husband is living proof though that you CAN live your life well and be a good person without HIM. While I know in my heart that he would find God a great source of comfort, I never try to push him, but if he asks me questions I answer. My husband is seriously so kind and thoughtful all the time and I love him for that. Divanita - THANK you. I was googling earlier and I was having trouble finding the right results and knowing which keywords would bring up the most choices for me. Leenerbups - so you are bi-polar too? No wonder I feel drawn to you. I LOVE your sense of humor. Your sig is too funny. That was one of the best SNL skits with Will Farrel. I bought the Best of DVD of Will. Side splitting funny.

Thanks for the love - lord knows I need it. I feel so alone sometimes with the voices in my head (not real voices, I'm crazy but not that crazy) Just the voices of my conscience. Is that # anonymous? I really want to find the right therapist, i do, i do, i do. I am just so scared of the mood stabilizing drugs. I don't want to sabotage the weight loss. I want to feel good about my appearance (selfish, ha?) I have sooo many issues, I am one sick puppy. Childhood molestation, teenage rape, abuse, etc. I don't know what came first the chicken or the egg. Am I really bi-polar or did my mind just freak out because of what has happened to me. It's probably real as I hate to admit it though. My uncle is Schizophrenic and my Aunt and Grandfather are both bi-polar.

Thank you. I do have good insurance. Blue Cross/Blue Shield PPO. Money is not an issue. My husband does know, he is the only one. Sometimes it is HIM that wants to party. He is a total recreational user, not an addict like me. He could care less about drugs. I'm usually the instigator though. He doesn't understand why I care more about it then him. What he is not casual about is Marijuana, he smokes all day EVERY day. This however, is NOT an issue for me. I don't smoke weed, don't like the way it makes me feel. I like the mind altering hallucogenics, give me Ex, Shrooms, Acid, Coke any day. (I am scared to death of meth though). I should be just as scared of these other drugs. When I look at all of the responses it seems like I really am self-medicating. I need to get my moods under control. Aaarrgghhh! I wish I could connect more to those that go to my church. I miss my old congregation I grew up in (different city) I felt so connected and loved there. How can someone that loves God and prays as much and has as much religious guilt as I do simply keep making bad decisions? Isn't there a point where God is just like 'you know what, i am tired of you!'??? You keep saying your sorry but all thoughts of me go out the door when you want to get high'???? If I were God I would be so sick of me. Why can't I have self-discipline? Why can't I just take myself to church when I should? Why am I so quick and alert to party but when it comes to going to a church meeting at 7:30 pm I am 'too tired'? I really, really hate myself sometimes...I need to grow the F*&( up and stop having a pity party. Grow a back bone, muster up some strengh, put other peoples interest in front of my own...

Hey, try this stuff if your looking to swallow something and not get something poked up your bumm...I LOVE this stuff. It's called Oxy Powder, here's a link to the testimonials... http://oxypowder.com/#testimonials You definitely want to be near a bathroom, but, I've taken it and gone to work no problem. I usually start it on a Friday night because the first few days tend to 'eliminate' the most. Also, taking high doses of Magnesium tends to do the same thing - to liquify everything in the colon and help get rid of it. IMHO - I ain't no doctor but just telling you from experience what's up with my results.

Thank you for the support. I just took a really long nap (tired from being up all night on ecstasy :-( - Well in that time I took the suggestion of Leila and researched a counselor that may be able to help. We've been playing phone tag....we'll see. I got quite a few pm's too and I am surprised that I am not the only one struggling with this issue like Leenerbups said she had read in that article...there are more of us on this board and I am soooo glad some of them shared with me there struggles as well. I feel like such a weak loser. But I HATE taking meds for my mood swings. I know that I need to though but I am avoiding it as long as possible. I rapid cycle my mood changes and I think that 'edge' is part of what makes me - ME (the bad and the good). I would really, really, really like to learn how to treat this without drugs. I have reduced my Effexor as much as I can (down to 75 mgs a day). I would get off of it entirely if the withdrawals weren't so horrible. I digress - I think what I am trying to say is that I am willing to try a counselor - but not willing at this point to get other meds. This may be totally stupid but I got SOOO FAT on those other meds and all I wanted to do was sleep and eat. I CANNOT and WILL NOT do that again - at least at that point. We'll see what this therapist says. I may go to a na meeting at some point, but that terrifies me. I think I just need to talk to someone. I just wish that loving my children and God were enough. I've lead such a fast paced exciting life that now it just seems boring. I am not a domestic goddess and I don't simply find joy in cleaning, cooking, etc. It's those Friday and Saturday nights that call me out. I've ate, exercised, watched TV and then Boom! I get that little feeling and make a call. My best friend moved a year ago and I haven't really connected with anyone else and don't really know how or where to find friends now that I'm older. I really, really could use a friend to hang out with. I also, avoid making friends because I feel so fat and ugly right now too. I love God and I pray all the time. But because of my continuous mistakes I feel like such a hypoctire and avoid going to church. When I do go, I come and leave quickly so I can avoid talking to anyone. Who would understand? Women my age are so into their families and are so goody, goody. I belong to a religion who's doctrines a lot I agree with but they aren't so understanding to repeat sinners. Wow, I'm such a piece of work, aren't I?

I guess I do need help. I mean I know I need help. Quit cold turkey by myself the first time around. I like this "anonomys" board but I am really scared about honestly talking to a live person. Nobody knows this problem I'm having again. I have kept it totally hidden. I guess I can look up counselors. I have good insurance. It's just so hard to get on the road to recovery again. I'm so depressed, just want to go to sleep. Oh, did I also mention I'm bi-polar? I only take Effexor - no mood management drugs because I feel that is part of what got me fat - Lithium, Depakote, etc.

I really don't know why I am sabotaging my body. I know better, I really do. I was a drug addict before many years ago and was clean for a long time. However, over the last few months I have sniffed a few lines here and there and also have taken ectasy. I took FOUR ecstasy pills yesterday. I love the feeling of "feeling" different. I used to use food as my drug and now it seems I am getting cravings for other things too. I also have an OTC sleeping pill addition to. I sometimes have to take 4 tylenol pm's or equivelant to go to sleep at night. This overwhelming feeling of wanting to change my reality over boredom is REALLY, REALLY horrible. I pray for hours on end for forgiveness. I don't want to die. I have everything to live for, a great job, a WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL son & daughter. I love God. I know it is going against him to defile my body, but somehow, that is not enough. I have no self-control or will power, I will cave in a minute. The crazy thing about this is I have been exercising like a mad woman to "help my body". Just want to be a normal 34 year old woman. Why do I feel like I am still a 19 year old living in a 34 year old body? My son recently moved to live with my parents because he wants to finish high school in the town we are from. My daughter is in Pittsburgh with her biological mother (I am her step-mother) and I have nothing stopping me or helping me in my will power. No, it's not an every day thing, it is an every few weeks thing. But I DID do lines 2 weeks post op and I was so worried about hurting my band, but did that stop me? NO! I am such a mess. This took a lot to write this down and strip myself naked but I can't keep living a lie.

I really don't know why I am sabotaging my body. I know better, I really do. I was a drug addict before many years ago and was clean for a long time. However, over the last few months I have sniffed a few lines here and there and also have taken ectasy. I took FOUR ecstasy pills yesterday. I love the feeling of "feeling" different. I used to use food as my drug and now it seems I am getting cravings for other things too. I also have an OTC sleeping pill addition to. I sometimes have to take 4 tylenol pm's or equivelant to go to sleep at night. This overwhelming feeling of wanting to change my reality over boredom is REALLY, REALLY horrible. I pray for hours on end for forgiveness. I don't want to die. I have everything to live for, a great job, a WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL son & daughter. I love God. I know it is going against him to defile my body, but somehow, that is not enough. I have no self-control or will power, I will cave in a minute. The crazy thing about this is I have been exercising like a mad woman to "help my body". Just want to be a normal 34 year old woman. Why do I feel like I am still a 19 year old living in a 34 year old body? My son recently moved to live with my parents because he wants to finish high school in the town we are from. My daughter is in Pittsburgh with her biological mother (I am her step-mother) and I have nothing stopping me or helping me in my will power. No, it's not an every day thing, it is an every few weeks thing. But I DID do lines 2 weeks post op and I was so worried about hurting my band, but did that stop me? NO! I am such a mess. This took a lot to write this down and strip myself naked but I can't keep living a lie.

I really don't know why I am sabotaging my body. I know better, I really do. I was a drug addict before many years ago and was clean for a long time. However, over the last few months I have sniffed a few lines here and there and also have taken ectasy. I took FOUR ecstasy pills yesterday. I love the feeling of "feeling" different. I used to use food as my drug and now it seems I am getting cravings for other things too. I also have an OTC sleeping pill addition to. I sometimes have to take 4 tylenol pm's or equivelant to go to sleep at night. This overwhelming feeling of wanting to change my reality over boredom is REALLY, REALLY horrible. I pray for hours on end for forgiveness. I don't want to die. I have everything to live for, a great job, a WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL son & daughter. I love God. I know it is going against him to defile my body, but somehow, that is not enough. I have no self-control or will power, I will cave in a minute. The crazy thing about this is I have been exercising like a mad woman to "help my body". Just want to be a normal 34 year old woman. Why do I feel like I am still a 19 year old living in a 34 year old body? My son recently moved to live with my parents because he wants to finish high school in the town we are from. My daughter is in Pittsburgh with her biological mother (I am her step-mother) and I have nothing stopping me or helping me in my will power. No, it's not an every day thing, it is an every few weeks thing. But I DID do lines 2 weeks post op and I was so worried about hurting my band, but did that stop me? NO! I am such a mess. This took a lot to write this down and strip myself naked but I can't keep living a lie.

Hi Melissa, I was worried about the same thing because it seems like my port 'moves around'. It used to be so thick I thought I could feel it under the incision, but now it seems to the right of the incision. So, today I had my 1st fill and the doctor said that it seems like it moved because the incision is thinning out and not so thick and there is nothing to worry about. I heard a little 'pop' and he said my band was bone dry so gave me a total of 1.5 cc. Made me drink 3 glasses of Water and that was that! I have lost a total of 14 lbs in 3 1/2 weeks. I am so happy!

Got first fill today 1.5cc. It was a piece of cake! Also got a B-12 shot. The best news is that I am down 14 lbs!!!!!!

Got first fill today 1.5cc. It was a piece of cake! Also got a B-12 shot. The best news is that I am down 14 lbs!!!!!!

Hi everyone, I've been discouraged too about weight loss because I lost 10 lbs almost immediately, then would gain 3, lose 2, etc. Well I hired a Personal Trainer (got a good deal at my gym) and now the weight loss is moving again. I also drink a ton of water everyday. I've lost another 3 lbs so with the weight loss and gain's I think I'm about 12 lbs down. My doctor fit me in for an early fill so I am off to see the wizard today. I understand he is very conservative with fills so I will keep y'all posted. Congratulations to ALL of you. From what I hear, this is a very frustrating time for a lot of bandsters, so hang in there. I know in a few month's we will ALL be closer to our goals.

I'm in! Need to lose 24 lbs to get there. Getting first fill today, fingers crossed!

Got on scales and weight is moving again. It was stuck for a while. I lost 10, then gained back 3, then lost 4 so now I am down 11 lbs. I go for my first fill today!

Got on scales and weight is moving again. It was stuck for a while. I lost 10, then gained back 3, then lost 4 so now I am down 11 lbs. I go for my first fill today!

Wow, let us know! I have a 10cc band and am scheduled for 1st fill end of July. I'm nervous cuz right now I can eat anything...

Okay, today I decided why not invest in a personal trainer. I have spent thousands already doing this but I always get discouraged and quit because while I was exercising regularly, I never changed the way I eat so the results were always minimal if any. This time, hopefully will be different. I signed up for twice a week workouts. This first one was a doozy..I was pouring sweat (which is a good sign). I will continue to swim on the weekends because I adore swimming, I am a FISH.

Okay, today I decided why not invest in a personal trainer. I have spent thousands already doing this but I always get discouraged and quit because while I was exercising regularly, I never changed the way I eat so the results were always minimal if any. This time, hopefully will be different. I signed up for twice a week workouts. This first one was a doozy..I was pouring sweat (which is a good sign). I will continue to swim on the weekends because I adore swimming, I am a FISH.

Hi, used to live in Tarzana, now live in Oxnard which is Ventura, CA. Hit me up if you live near me, I'm on AOL messenger alyshabrooke