Hoping052017

Drinking with a straw sucks air in with the fluids. That air, in turn, creates gas, which could cause pain. That's what I was told anyway.

Today was a big step for me in facing my anxieties around people. I haven't enjoyed going to the mall in years. My daughter needed some new jeans and so my mom and I went to JCP because that's where her favorite jeans are sold. I had every intention of only going into JCP and getting a pair of jeans and leaving again. Well, it turned out that they were having a hum dinger of a sale. There was a $72 dress that was marked down to $1.97. No, that isn't a typo. It really was only two dollars! (I ended up getting it for my daughter because it was adorable and happened to be her size. My mom has needed new clothes forever and refuses to buy herself any based on the premise that she doesn't want to buy anything until she loses some weight or has a little bit more money or any other excuse she can come up with. I do not like to go out by myself unless it's to the nature trail over by the lake where I can hike down to the water and hide and write or read by myself without anyone tripping over me or anything like that. Or riding my bike without too many other people around. I just do not like being around people unless they are people I know well. Before I took little girl back to school after her shots, I had to stop by the house to get my oldest some clothes since he really wasn't prepared for the temperature to be half of what it was yesterday. I ran in and told mom to get her arse in gear cause she was coming with me to run errands. She didn't want to be alone any more than I did today. For a totally different reason, but same feeling all the same. So, she got dressed and we got the clothes to the oldest and dropped off middle child. We then proceeded to run errands, eventually running to JCP. Since there were so many really cute tops for between $2 and $5, I had mom pick out a couple and I got those for her for Valentine's Day. She loved them, but said she needed a "nude" bra to wear with them because hers would show through the materials. I did the only thing I could...took her to Victoria Secret to get her a "nude" bra like her favorite. This meant traversing the dreaded mall. I hate the mall. There are way too many people at the mall. Poor mom though. I don't like the mall, so I walk kind of fast to get from one place to the next whenever I have to traverse the mall. Mom doesn't have as long of a stride as I do, so she ends up putting in 1.5-2 steps more than me whenever we're out together. When we got to Victoria's Secret I (as always) fell in love with the majority of the bras and panties they have throughout the store. The problem with oooing and aaahing over those sexy undergarments is that it's embarrassing to get caught by one of their personnel that are the size of toothpicks when I'm the size of two of them put together. But while mom's trying on her bras what am I supposed to do? I wander around doing laps around the store muttering to myself "okay mom...hurry up. I'm ready to get out of here now". I can't wait until I am small enough to actually fit into some of these gorgeous underwear. I don't know when I'd be able to afford it again, but omg, I can't wait. I just wish that in the interim I didn't feel like people were laughing at me for even stepping foot in there. I wish I didn't feel like they were talking about me behind my back to their coworkers. I just wish I didn't feel like they were about to ask me what I was thinking by contaminating their store with my oversized presence. I kind of doubt anyone was actually thinking that, but that was how I was feeling. It's how I always feel when I go into one of those shops. I wonder if I'm going to feel the same once all the weight is gone. If I'll feel like an imposter when I go looking for things to wear from there. Since I start therapy in two days, I really hope not. Time will only tell.

@kimberb &@biginjapan... yay! So happy for you both! I can't wait till April for my turn!

@biginjapan and@kimberb ... hoping your surgeries went well and that you are both doing awesome!

When I started these entries I asked the question "Am I Ready For This?" At the time, I actually didn't know. I hoped I was. I thought I was. I think I finally know I am. Exercise is a daily thing now instead of just thinking about it. I may not be doing a lot right now (I managed to walk a mile and a half today and yesterday), but I'm getting there. It depends on where I walk and what my back is feeling like, but I'm getting there. Today my two boys and I walked an upper neighborhood near our house selling chocolates for a fundraiser to fund his very last school trip in June after he graduates. Sold the whole box! I'm really proud of him. It took a lot for him to face his anxiety about talking to people. Some of the people were very funny, buying out all of one kind of chocolate bar. One family even knew my son's band director from when their daughters were in band. It was so awesome being able to walk the neighborhood with my boys and I kept thinking how much easier it's going to be once I lose the weight I want to lose. I'm getting a bike (I hope) this week and will be able to start riding again and hopefully be able to work up to 30 miles. Except I'm figuring it will actually be 60 miles if I go the whole trail and back! Maybe mom's going to have to meet me up there with the bike rack! LOL!

Same to you! my sixth and final appointment is April 3 and I talked to my care coordinator this morning and she said that the end of April for me is a possibility, as well! I sure hope so because the thought of traversing Barnhill Arena for my son's graduation right after surgery is a daunting one. LOL

I'm sorry, but I noticed that the Emotional Health and wellness sub-forum in the General WLS Forum is missing from the drop down list up top and can only be accessed through already posted messages or the main page. Is this intentional or is it an oversight, as I didn't see it in the list before the site update as well?

I haven't had my surgery yet, but I just wanted to let you know you've got this! I have a hard time with the mobile app, but the desktop isn't too bad. You'll get the hang of it. Just don't be afraid to click icons. Just remember to follow your surgeons instructions and know that you have this!

As S Day quickly approaches, I start thinking about all the things that I'll be able to do again that I can't do now without difficulty. I can't bicycle very far anymore. I can't hike anymore without having to take a break every 10 steps it seems. I can't mountain climb because I can't lift my body up with my own legs because I weigh too much. I can't run without feeling like collapsing 10 feet from the beginning of where I start. I can't fast dance even one song without my lungs feeling like my lungs are going to explode. I can't ride most rollercoasters. I don't fit in the seats. I'll never forget how embarrassed I was when my oldest was about 2 years old and my husband and I went to six flags over Texas with him and I wanted to ride the Superman ride and was turned away because I was too fat to fit in the seat and bring the restraining arms down far enough to buckle it. After April and some hard work, I'll be able to ride that rollercoaster. I'll be able to rock climb again. I'll be able to hike through Devil's Den and go spelunking and actually fit through some of the smaller crevices in the cave. I'll be able to probably leave my kids in the dust while hiking to the cave. I'll be able to bicycle, hopefully with relative ease, from Fayetteville to Bentonville. A 30 mile bicycle ride. Along with a size 9, that is my goal. To be able to ride the Square to Square trail next year and be in a size 9 for the first time in my entire life (including childhood). When I was a kid I wore a size 6X for a long time. I don't remember any other size until size 12. So, a size 9 would be totally amazing. There are so many activities that I'm looking forward to doing both again and for the first time that my surgery will help me achieve. I can't wait!

I kind of figured as much. I haven't ridden in a while due to having a cheap bike that the gear broke on the last time I tried to ride it and so it went bye bye and I haven't had the money to get a new one. I'm hoping by the end of the month I can get one though. I'm really excited about April getting closer. I just hope it's not June before I can get my surgery. Right now I'm walking a mile every other day and doing resistance bands the other days. A new acquaintance shared with me a YouTube video by The Fitness Marshall that look like so much fun that I'm going to start doing those as well. I love to dance and that's what these videos are are dance workouts.

Psych evals are notoriously stressful things to get through during the pre-op phase of preparation for S-Day. (Surgery Day). Today was no exception for me. Thankfully, there wasn't an appointment time. I just had to be at an office over an hour away from my clinic and home somewhere between 8am and 12pm. The lady that got things set up was really nice. She filled out a piece of paper and led me into an adjoining room next to her where there were three desks, one of which held a computer, and three filing cabinets, a pencil holder full of sharpened pencils, and a scantron sheet with 576 T/F bubbles on it along with a book full of questions that belonged to those 576 answer bubbles. I start the test and the nice lady knocks on the closed door, comes in, and tells me that there's a slight problem. The psychologist is supposed to interview me after I finish the test, but he has to leave and it's unknown when he will be back. So I may have to finish the test and schedule another appointment to see the psychologist. I'm going "oh great! I drive over an hour to get here and now I may have to come back!". But I just played the part of a deranged penguin and continued to fill in bubbles while smiling and nodding my head while responding "That's okay". So totally not okay, but can I say that? no. She apologizes and leaves. A couple of minutes later she returns and lets me know that the psychologist is going to meet with me before he leaves. "Yay! I don't have to come back another day!" She leaves again and comes back a few minutes later to take me to the psychologist. He talked to me for about 20 minutes asking generally about my medical history, both physical and mental and lets me know he'll fax his okay to my Dr. tomorrow. It takes me another 2 hours to finish taking that written test. I'm just curious if that test tells the same thing the last one of those I took told. Hmmm...can't wait to find that one out.

I'm planning on having my surgery around the middle of April (God willing) and there's going to be a bike ride event happening about a month later. My question is this: has anyone whose had the RNY or Sleeve done managed to bicycle 30 miles a month out from surgery? Not mountain biking or anything like that, but paved bike trails.

The psych eval was three flipping hours long!!!! Three hours! I talked to the psychologist for about 20 minutes. He asked all the questions i figured he would like if I had a support system at home and all that. And was glad I was seeing a therapist on a regular basis to help with the major depression issues I have. The rest of the time was answering a MMPI2 test. I've taken one of those before, but not. I think the one I took before was just a MMPI. Or something along those lines. I actually don't remember. LOL! I will hopefully hear from them tomorrow. I'm getting more excited now because this is past me now. Now it's one more cardiologist appointment and 2 more diet and exercise appointments and then we schedule! The new update to this site wouldn't let me change my weight unless I put in a surgery date, so I'm going to have to change my surgery date once I officially have it. I'm really hoping for April 22. I'm actually going to ask my care coordinator tomorrow when I talk to her to see if that's feasible. Never mind about that date. I just looked at a calendar and found out that's a Saturday! Poo. Hopefully the 21st then!

Is it like totally weird that I'm actually looking forward to my psych eval tomorrow? After the MAJOR funk I've been in for the last few days (MAJOR depressive episode) I think it's especially weird. The thing that's really weird about this is that when I called to make the appointment the other day they told me that it's just a walk in thing. They don't schedule the bariatric psych evaluations. Just show up between 8 and noon. The lady I spoke with said it would take a couple of hours. I think it's some kind of computer test. I know there's a $100 one that you can do online for the clinic I'm going to, but I don't have that kind of money right now. At least my insurance covers this one I'm doing tomorrow. That's a good thing. So, after I get this out of the way I have two more diet and exercise appointments and one more appointment with the cardiologist and then they will schedule my surgery! I'm praying that I can have it done April 22. If I can't have it done that day, it will be okay. But, if I can, it will be perfect!

To say I've been in a dark and depressing mood the past few days is a mild understatement. Okay, a major understatement! People I thought were friends haven't been there for me when I needed them the most. And perfect strangers reached out, not knowing me at all and sending words of encouragement. To those strangers, I thank you. Your kindness means the world to me. Mostly I'm sorry I got as dark as I did. I really am trying to see someone about it, but like my "friends", they said they can't see me right now. Oh wells! I'll see them a week from tomorrow, probably bouncing off the walls happy. I'm doing okay now, though. I got back on the wagon today. I have a goal to lose at least another 10 pounds by April 22. I also decided that is going to be my goal date for surgery. I know that this date is highly contingent upon my surgeon, but I am praying that this will be my day to shine. Well, I'm rarely shining right after surgery, but you know what I mean. See, a little background history about me. I met my husband on February 5, 1995. We went on our very first date on February 14 of the same year and became a couple four days later until April 11, 2013. When I was telling my new therapist about him during my intake I lost count of how many times she said "He had some serious mental problems". I already knew that and it was the reason I filed for divorce because he wouldn't get help for those problems. He committed suicide on April 22, 2013 after he got the divorce papers. Left a message for me on Facebook that read in his status "Til Death Do Us Part". To say that's messed with me over the years is another major understatement. Therefore, I think having my surgery on April 22 would be a perfect way to begin again. To put my fat and him behind me once and for all. For me. For my kids. For us. As a kind stranger told me, it's time to let go of the past. And that's exactly what I intend to do. God Bless and Protect you always.

@sonkat5355 Thank you for your comments. I'm trying to see a "professional" because I have known I need help for a while. I was supposed to begin sessions with her tomorrow. She called me late yesterday afternoon and said she had made a few errors and the earliest that she could see me is on the 16th. As for calling someone, unfortunately, I don't have anyone I can talk to. I only have 1 friend and she's rarely available. The other person, whom I thought was a good friend, hasn't answered my calls or returned my texts in over a week. The only other person that I counted as a friend hasn't returned my calls or texts in a year. Sometimes I really think there's something wrong with me. My head knows I'm not to blame for his actions, yet my heart still cannot seem to let go. I'm in a better place today, but my heart is still heavy after reaching out to two people who told me once that they would always be there for me if I needed them. Neither of those people have reached back. Since I am an emotional eater, I thought I would reach out to strangers since not even my new therapist will see me right now. Pretty bad when you talk to someone for over an hour, cry three times in the office, make an appointment to see her again in 10 days and then she calls the day after the darkest one you've had in months and says she can't see you because she made a few errors. It made me think that the errors were me. Thank you for reaching out. It means a lot to me that a stranger would reach out when the people I know, that claim to love me, won't speak to me. Oh, in answer to your question, yes, I have 3 children 10,12,& 17. They and my mom are actually the reason I'm still here. As much as I don't want to be here most days, I could never be selfish enough to leave them alone intentionally. It's the main reason I sought the bariatric surgery. So I could be here for them. So, I'm trying to pick myself up and dust myself off. I just have to get through the 18th and then I know it will be mostly smooth sailing from there with the exception of April 22, which I think I just decided I'm going to try and make that my surgery day. The day I leave my fat and him behind forever after. Yeah! I like that idea! Now, here's praying it works out that way! Thank you again! You just made my day. God Bless!

Fitness blender has a lot of neat workout videos too Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using the BariatricPal App

That was supposed to say my first therapy session that was supposed to happen Thursday has been postponed to the 16th because the therapist had several errors. Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using the BariatricPal App

I'm trying. It's so hard right now. I . me until the 16th. I just wanted to cry. February is such a hard month for me in the first place because it's the month mymen's husband and I got together 21 years ago. It's been a nightmare month ever since he passed away. February and April. February because of the beginning and April because of the end. Maybe it's time to cry on my friend's shoulder? Thank you for the advice@redmaxx Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using the BariatricPal App

Thank you. As scared as I was last week, I really wish my next appointment was today instead of three days from now because I feel like giving up and I've barely started. What do you do when you feel like giving up?

@@MowryRocks - Thank you. I sure hope so.

What do you do when the darkness seems to engulf you? February is always a really hard month for me and right now, looking out my window at the grey sky and the bare trees and remembering the good and the bad of the last 21 years, all I want to do is curl into a little, itty bitty, teeny tiny ball under my covers and hide. I want to go to that place in my mind that seems to hold me as a happy prisoner. A beautiful place that never rains, the sky are always blue with white puffy clouds (you know the kind that you can imagine pictures out of). A crystal blue pond with a full willow tree that you can sit beneath and take in all the beauty around you while you peak through the many branches. Yesterday was the 21st anniversary of the first time I met my husband of over 14 years. We went on our first date that Valentine's Day. We became a couple four days later when I stole his fedora in the lobby outside my college French class. 18 years later I found out that he was not the person I thought he was. I realized he had multiple mental health issues that he refused to seek help for along with some that I didn't find out about until after I had filed for divorce. The day that he got the divorce papers, he decided that he couldn't live without me and our children. He committed suicide that day in April 4 years ago. Despite the things he did, the problems he had, I never stopped loving him. Most of his family doesn't realize this or believe this. It's taken years to be in the presence of his mother without getting a look that says "You're a pariah and should be exterminated". When the darkness engulfs me, as it is today, I just don't care. About close to anything. I don't care what I look like. I don't care what I eat. I could eat everything or I could eat nothing. I'm trying so hard to be conscientious of this today. So hard. My back is hurting and my shoulders are burning because of the weather, but I'm in a place where it doesn't matter right now. All that matters is that I'm alone with my thoughts, my memories - both good and bad. The memories of our first date together where he met me in the student union with a glass filled with hershey kisses and tied with a red ribbon. The memories of the last time I ever saw him alive where I had a glimmer of hope that he would get the mental help he needed and that we could at least still be friends and not enemies. And then all the memories in between. I want to eat right now. I want to bake, actually. I want to bake decadent chocolate cupcakes. I want to bake chocolate chip cookies. I want to bake pear and apple tarts. I want to bake anything and everything because when I'm baking I can disappear. I can dive into a recipe and tweak it, perfect it, change the flavor and add to it. And everything else doesn't matter anymore. A lot of times I will come out of the kitchen and my major depressive episode at the same time like baking just wipes the depression away. Other times it's like getting drunk where the pain goes away while you're in that state only to find it right back where you left it after you're sober. I have a feeling that today is the latter day. And until I get through February 18 I don't see it getting a whole lot better. Good thing I'm seeing my therapist Thursday.

So, mom and I watched the most awesome Super Bowl game I've seen in years! She was rooting for the Falcons. Therefore, I HAD to root for the Patriots. I couldn't believe they just HAD to wait until halfway through the 4th quarter to get their head in the game! But omg! To see the very first overtime in Super Bowl history and some of the insanely miraculous plays that were made was the best. Especially to be able to share it with my mom. Still can't believe they came back from a 25 point deficit to win the game in overtime all in the last 10 minutes of the final quarter! It was awesome. With all the excitement though I wanted munchies sooooo bad! I wanted chips and dip or popcorn or anything to actually crunch just like the ball players on the field. I am sitting here writing this and watching the local news and still crave something to crunch. Craving cookies. Craving chocolate milk. Craving chocolate chips, Wow. And my clinic just had a commercial on as if to give me a visual reminder of why i'm not going to the kitchen for any of those things. A reminder why I didn't cave in to any of those cravings that I had during the game. I am trying so hard to be conscious of the mental hungries and the actual physical hungries. I actually succeeded today. I'm proud of myself. I even skipped the mashed potatoes at supper! Cheesy Ranch Red Skin Mashed Potatoes no less! Yay me! Telling the difference between the mental and physical hungries is one of the hardest parts of this weight loss surgery prep. I'm getting there, but the trek has been slow going. I started this journey in November and I'm still not there. I think I'll get there. No. I know i'll get there. I have to. " """"""""""""""""

so much this !!! But this is also why I love seeing the success stories on here. Right now I can't imagine losing over half of my body weight. It just seems so daunting that I get to wondering if such a thing is even possible. Then I see some of these success stories (like the lady who started at 450 pounds and actually ran a marathon in NYC last year!) and see that it really is possible. I just have to get off my bloomin arse and get busy losing!

I'm 5'2" an I was 265 at the start of the journey. I lost a bunch of weight before the surgery so now, just over 4 weeks out, I'm 192. I feel the same way you describe yourself! I look in the mirror and I think I look fine. When I see a picture of me I want to cry. Now that I'm down nearly 70lbs I am afraid to see a picture...what if I still hate the way I look? It's scary to think that I could work so hard and still not be happy with it:( I'm scared I won't be happy with how I look either. I will be happy to be off a lot of the medicines I take and all and I can't wait for the clothes ( love clothes and shoes but currently hate shopping because none of the cute stuff I want to wear fits me) As for pictures...I very rarely let anyone take a picture of me unless it's from the shoulders up. I don't want to look at myself at all - mirror or otherwise.