raising3monkeys

If you're like me, you play these little games with yourself - where when you're doing well on losing weight, you tell yourself that you can "afford" something that's not supposed to be on your plan. Maybe it's a piece of chocolate - something in-control that seems worth it. For me though, it's not those little tiny things. It's stuff like deciding to have my morning coffee - which is laden with real sugar and flavored (sugared) creamer. God I love that stuff. Yes, I have tried artificial sweetener, but it's not worth it to me - I'd rather just not have the coffee. So when it's a choice between coffee I'm not into or no coffee at all, I'll choose no coffee. But when it's a choice between "do I want to do the coffee thing today?" and no coffee, then of course I'll choose yes to the coffee. It's a really bad way for me start out my day - with all that failure right off the bat. I did that yesterday. And then I did a few french fries with dinner (maybe 6?) as I poked at the serving dish out there for everyone else. Otherwise I did well. I wanted to do an evening tea before bed, but as I'm sure you can guess, it too is laden with sugar. I was actually thirsty, so I opted for water instead. Not nearly as satisfying, but I was able to do it. Today I got up and wanted to do coffee again. MY way. Except that yesterday was the first time that I actually started to feel some of my weight loss - I kept needing to yank my pants up all day. What the heck, this is actually WORKING? So today I said no to the coffee. Instead, I started with water. And actually made breakfast instead of it being something that I did later when I was hungry hours after the coffee. A 1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese, a 1/2 cup of mango pieces, and a hard-boiled egg. That was hours ago, and I'm just now starting to think about having lunch. It worked! So I'm off to a great start today. I also tackled my shower tile, which needed a bunch of scrubbing - specifically because why not burn the calories now - today? Later I plan to take the dog for a walk if I can tolerate the cold. 20 minutes of yoga is also on the docket. I'm going to be doing some vacuuming this afternoon, too. Today feels..... in control. I'm going to try to have a day like I'm supposed to, and see how that feels. Because I want to see how getting rid of all of this fat feels, too!

I'm in that in-between place that can be frustrating - my food intake is drastically different (in both size, frequency and food choices), and I feel like I'm getting nowhere fast. My last weigh in at 3 weeks post surgery was EXACTLY the same as the one 6 days post op. How frustrating! My doctor seemed to brush it off. I voiced that when you're giving up a lot, you want to see progress! He assured me that even though I was down only 5 lbs. from the morning of surgery, and 12 lbs. from the week prior to surgery (due to the low-carb liver diet), I was 17 lbs. down from when I weighed in in July when I came in to discuss surgery. Well, that's something. But still - three weeks out and only 5 lbs. down? And no further loss in the two weeks since the last weigh in? Not exactly exciting. But..... I'm keeping on. Because I'm doing a ton right (even if I'm not always perfect), and that's got to result in something - even if it's a slow something. I'm hoping that this next time I weigh in on 12/15, I'll be under 300. My last weigh-in was 306.6. I'd really like some loss to start showing by Christmas. My husband swears he notices, but he's crazy. Yesterday my pants seemed a bit roomier in the butt, but if I pulled them up they were the same. Today I was driving one of my kids to school and felt momentarily as though my belly wasn't protruding as much. But as I sit here and grab a handful of gut, that seems to be my imagination. Who knows! Soon. Soon I will see it. I should have measured myself, dang-it! Ah well. No time like the present, I guess. Next month I'll thank myself, I'm sure. Kel

Today is 3 weeks post-op since my Lap-Band. It's four weeks since my pre-op visit when I started a no carb/no veggie diet in prep for surgery. I am the same weight today as I was 6 days after surgery - that's dissappointing! I do realize that a lot of that weight loss may have been from being on a liquid diet, for 6 days, too. So I'm still 12 lbs. down from my visit one week pre-surgery. I should just be happy. But I've been working VERY hard, and doing pretty well, and I want to see more results. I don't see anything yet except on the scale, which will have to suffice for now. He told me to stop obsessing - I'm down 17 lbs. from my heaviest - which I think was back in July when I visited him to kick this off again. So,... that's promising! I kept reading about fills here and on Bandedliving.com where people talked about how many cc's of saline their doctor added. Lots said that their doctor will only do 5 cc's at a time. My surgeon had previously stated that I will leave there after every fill at the perfect point, and I'll come back when I notice that I'm able to eat more than I used to be - for another fill. Huh. Today I asked him how many cc's he starts with. He was like, "WHERE did you hear that nonsense? STOP listening to anyone but me!" (Jeez - I wasn't "listening" so much as hearing! I'm following no one's recommendations but his. I tell him that - that I can't believe how he only had me on liquids for 6 days following the surgery, when I see elsewhere in print or online that people have up to 6 weeks on liquids and purees. He says, "There's no reason for that - it's just that some doctors don't treat any of their weight loss surgeries any differently. They do the same thing for band, sleeve or bypass. And their patients are suffering needlessly if they're band patients. Of COURSE they lose weight - they're on a liquid diet! He says that it's not the end of the world, and it usually doesn't hurt anything. But it's really unnecessary. He says that he'd love to do an experiment where people who want WL surgery are told, "You're having WL surgery", but not told afterward which one they had. Then treat them all the same as if they'd had the bypass, and you'd find out that they all have the same results. He's convinced of it. Lol. Says that of course bypass patients are on liquids and purees longer than band patients - because they NEED to be - their stomach can rip if they don't do things slowly enough. But doing that to a band patient is just scaring them when there's no need. Interesting. Anyway, he lays me down on the exam table, he asks me where my port is. I point. He wipes it off with alcohol wipes. He says, "Little pinch", and I feel the needle puncture my skin (such a little thing). He pushes in some saline. Then he sits me up so my legs are dangling over the table. The syringe is still in my stomach. He hands me a glass of water, and says, "chug". I do, and he makes me stop after about 4 gulps. Says, "Okay, where's the water now?" I point to my stomach. Says, "Okay, tell me when it goes down past the band". He withdraws a bit of the saline back out, and I think I feel a change. So I say, "There". And he says, "Okay, then we're good", and pulls the syringe out and puts a band-aid over the port. I tell him that I'm not sure of what it feels like for something to go down past the band - I've never had that sensation. He says, "That's okay - you go home and try this. If it's not enough, you just come back and we'll work on it more next time." Ummm, okay? I asked him a few questions today. I said, "Your information packet says that the point of the band is to keep the food above the band for a time, alleviating hunger. But elsewhere, I see that it says, "wait for the food to pass your band before you take another bite." He says, "Dang - NO ONE has asked me that in all the years we've had that packet. Now I'm gonna need to fire my nutritionist, who put that in there." (he's obviously joking). I say, "So which is it?" He goes into a long explanation with me about how the band is designed to make a pouch at the top that food holds in for a few hours. If food is passing the band as you're eating, then the band isn't tight enough - and it's virtually pointless. K, got it. Next I ask him about why the band needs to be tightened/filled over time - does the saline seep out? No - it's because of a few factors - one being that your stomach below the band is thinner than above it - just like once you get a ring past the plumpest part of your finger, it slides off from there on down. So you need it tightened occasionally. Also, it can slip down a bit and need to be tightened more for that spot. This is not the "bad" slippage - this is more incremental migration. I also asked the doctor what makes the food in the pouch above the band move down past the band eventually? Is it just a log-jam effect that takes time? Nope - it's that the stomach acid starts eating at the food in the bottom of the pouch, which makes it break down and fall through the band. Ah - got it. I'm going back in a few weeks for a pre-holiday check. I'm hoping to get down past 300 in HIS office (vs. my home) this time!

Yes, today is my first fill. I've seen people say that they've taken several fills to get to what's known as the "green zone" - that perfect zen place where you can only eat the small amount you SHOULD be eating and not being hungry between meals, and it not being too small to get the food down (vomiting, feeling stuck, etc.). I asked my doctor about that before my surgery - "How may fills does it typically take to get to that sweet spot?" He said that I will always leave his office at that spot. But that over time, I'll notice that I'm getting hungry more often or that I'm able to eat more food. And that I should then come in for another fill. He said a fill tends to last longer over time; in the very beginning, I might need another fill after only a week or 2 or 3. But as time goes on, fills should last me several months. I'm very unclear on WHY that is. Is it because the stomach shrinks a bit? Is it because there is some stomach swelling after a fill, and it feels tighter then and then looser later? I see that some doctors only fill a small amount at a time - like 5 cc. Others don't seem to be that limited. But I'm sure I'll understand more later today, after a visit and having questions answered. My diet has been good since the week prior to surgery, when they put me on an extreme no-carb, not-even-veggies diet to shrink the liver prior to surgery. Then it was 6 days of liquids, then it was straight back onto solids. My diet now is more just a few rules than it is complicated. 1) Only eat when hungry, 2) STOP eating when I feel satiated, 3) Low carb, low fat - NO breads, rice, pasta, grains or potatoes, 4) No liquid calories - everything must have mass, and 5) no drinking during or immediately following surgery. I have been eating largely that way since I started back on solids. Some days I've folded and had a granola bar when hungry, or have had a morning coffee or evening tea with sugar. But other than that, I've been really good overall. What I expect out of this fill is to be able to be less limited on meal consumption size, and to not be as hungry in-between meals.

So this past week has been tough, if you've seen any of my earlier blog posts. I've been hungry, food has consumed my thoughts, and some days I haven't done as well as I felt I should have. Still though - I did WAY better than a typical day prior to my pre-surgical consumption. So I SHOULD be seeing some loss, even if it's slow. I had lost 12 lbs. in the first 12 days since my no-carb diet started 7 days prior to surgery. That was my last visit to my surgeon's office. I have a scale in my bathroom too - one that I rarely used prior to beginning this. I've tried to weigh in just once or twice a week, but this week has been every day. Because I feel like I'm mentally a bit out of control, but I wanted validation that I was still doing well enough to be making forward momentum. A week ago on Thursday, I'd lost another 3 lbs., according to my home scale. That was a total of 15. I was really encouraged by that. But these past few days the scale has gone back up - frustrating. And it didn't seem to matter if I had a near perfect day, the scale was telling me otherwise. I communicated all this to my husband last night, saying that I was afraid that when I went to weigh in today at my doctor's appointment, the scale might show that I'd gained a few of the original 12 lbs. back. He told me that the scale is a whacky one - that it never gives an accurate reading unless it's perfectly flat. And that our tile floor certainly wasn't that. For a moment, I had hope. Then I realized that even if it's off by a few lbs., I should STILL see it going down. Today I have my first fill scheduled. So I figured I'd get on the scale just because I wanted to see how close my doctor's scale is to mine (I realize this is pointless since I'll have weighed myself at home buck naked, prior to any food or liquids being consumed. And by contrast, I'll weigh in the afternoon at my doctor's office, fully clothed after having had both breakfast and lunch. But still.) I made sure to put it on tiles vs. any of the in-between sections between the tiles. I was expecting it to say what it had in the past few days - which was around 308 (I'd started out at 318). To my great surprise, it said 299.6! WHAT?!?!? I got off and got back on. The same. I got back on after moving the scale slightly, and it said 300.00. F THAT noise! I'm 299! Lol. Then I moved it a lot, very haphazardly, and it was 303 or so. BUT THAT's STILL GOOD! I'm now very excited to keep going. This was just the boost I needed. If my scale is accurate, I'm BACK in the 200's after several years above 300, and it would mean that I've lost 19 lbs. since Nov. 3rd. - which is 2 days shy of one month. I lost 25 lbs. in about 4 months a good 10 years ago now (when I went from 250 to 225), and it was LIFE CHANGING. I never thought I'd do this so fast. I won't be surprised if my doctor's scale says I'm still above 300 later today. I'm expecting that. But still - I'm on the right track. I just wish I could start to see the difference in my clothing or body/face overall. I figure a few more lbs. and that'll be inevitable.

Yesterday I blogged about how I didn't feel that my band was offering me much in the way of hunger reduction, and how I am very eager to get my first fill on Dec. 19th, but that I was losing steam with eating right due to all the hunger. So I reached out to my doctor, and told him what I'm dealing with - and how well I'm doing otherwise. He said he saw no reason to continue waiting, and to come in tomorrow for a fill! Yesssss! So tomorrow afternoon I'll have my first fill, and hopefully I'll be eating less and feeling less hungry, too. It's why I had the surgery, after all. Very excited!

I'm feeling much better today. I think maybe I was having a boring day working from home, and without too much work to do, my mind was just wandering. I'm in the office today and things are MUCH better. I'm trying really hard! It's a battle, for sure.

I was fully aware when I started down this path that bariactric surgery wasn't a magic bullet. That it would reduce the size of my stomach, but not my cravings, or how much of a change healthy eating would be for me. What I didn't anticipate was that I wouldn't feel like I had any difference in my stomach size (still haven't had my first band fill), and that I would feel like I was starving all the dang time. My stomach doesn't seem restricted whatsoever by the band yet, and I have been eating very small meals compared to what I used to - mostly as practice and to get the weight loss jump-started. I've been following my doctor's rules with about a 95% success rate. The most difficult thing has been to not drink at all during / after meals. When I do break that rule, it's only sips though - not large amounts. I have been completely carb-free. I have been eating much healthier cuts of meat overall - no more processed foods. I'm eating exclusively REAL food for the first time, and I'm enjoying the food. But I'm hungry just a bit later! I've been trying to stick to the rule of only eating 3 meals a day (vs. eating only when hungry). I may sometimes have a snack in the evening - if I'm hungry, it'll be something like nuts. If I'm just feeling snacky, it's something like sugar-free jello with sugar free Coolwhip. So I'm eating small, good for me meals, and I'm hungry. And I appear to be losing only very slowly - or hovering around the same 3-5 lbs. It' maddening! I want the band tightened already! That doesn't happen until my Dec. 19th appointment. That's several weeks from now. I'm losing my excitement here on being able to do this journey. I did this so I could lose weight without being constantly hungry! And that issue still exists. Yesterday I did wonderfully with food - but it was SUCH a hard day! I ate what I intended to and no more. But I feel like I thought about food all.day.long. Ugh. I hate that. It's very difficult.

It's Tuesday, but I'm already working on my shopping list for this coming Saturday. We shop every two weeks (paydays for us) for 2 weeks of groceries. So it's a large undertaking with a larger family. The way it seemed to work best in the past took lots of time, but was worth it. I've just gotten lazy over the years. And I know that when I was successful losing weight in the past, it was partly because I planned out my meals ahead of time and made the subsequent shopping list. So,.... here goes nothin'! I'm going to start with looking at what we already have in the house. That means taking stock of the fridge, freezer and the deep freezer. The benefit of this is that we wind up using what we have without overspending, and it gives me ideas of how to use what's already there. I can also look at my family's schedule and figure out who will be home that night (I have a teenager that works a lot of evenings), and meal plan for that group (my son who works is also a very picky eater, so we try to have meals that we enjoy/he doesn't when he's not around. I also take into account any plans that my husband and I might have out with friends or such, and try to make easier meals on those nights. So as you can see, to do this RIGHT right means: Knowing my family's schedule ahead of time (as much as I can) Knowing the contents of my freezer, fridge, pantry and deep freeze Understanding the dietary limitations for everyone, including myself It.Takes.TIME. But again, it's every 2 weeks. And if I'd get smarter about the freezer list, I'd post it on the fridge and cross off things when I use them, eliminating the need to look in the freezers every time. I've never quite gotten very good at that, but maybe it'll be my new year's resolution. Lol. Then I lay out the list of raw foods we have and figure out what night I'd like to make what. I work from home a few days a week, so I can afford to make longer prep meals or crock pot meals on those days. I don't feel like cooking anything that takes too long when I'm getting home at 6 pm. I'm tired and we're all already hungry, so it's about speed on those nights. I try to lay it out enough that it'll say something like "Meatloaf, green beans and rolls". Then all those items can go on my list. It makes sure that I don't have to think so much about food later, and it also ensures that we use our fresh produce before it goes bad. A lot of times the first week after shopping will be loaded with fresh veggies, and the next week will have more canned and frozen ones. In addition to my family dinners, I plan my own breakfast and lunch. On the days that I'm home, that can involve cooking. And potentially cooking for food prep for the next day, when I'll be going into the office. Otherwise I need to do that in the later evenings, when I'd rather be doing just about anything else. Lol. It's easiest if I completely pack my breakfast (I tend to eat at work vs. at home) the night before. Because I am NOT a morning person. Lol. I'll do this in chunks this time. I'll start today with assessing what the pantry and freezers and fridge currently has in it. Then I can plan from tomorrow through the next shopping trip. I wouldn't need to do tomorrow (Wed.) through Friday if I'd planned correctly last time, but this time I'll need to do it. If you fail to plan, you may as well plan to fail, as the saying goes.

Well, I'm officially one week out. I feel really great! I went to the doc two days ago, and weighed in at 12 lbs. less than I had 12 days earlier, at my appointment one week pre op. I'm thrilled with that! I don't expect to continue at this pace - that'd be unreasonable. But I'm on a roll! It's amazing how much easier it is to keep going than it is to start. Once you see results, you're inspired to keep at it. Pretty soon it's gonna start showing. I really do feel like my pants are already fitting better. I charged up the Fit Bit and am getting used to wearing that again. I'll be honest and say that I haven't been getting many steps in, but it's a mindset thing. I've updated all my stats in my Fitbit profile so it's accurate. This morning I weighed myself and put that figure in. Doc wants me to weigh myself once a week now and keep track. My achy shoulders have completely subsided, and my bloating is much more under control. I'm having regular bowel movements again (which is what I'm sure the problem was) after surgery. That always takes me a few days after surgery to get over, and I always feel better after that. My wounds are closed completely and the bruising around them is actually more evident than the actual wounds at this point. Another week and that'll be all gone, too. They're purple, red, yellow and brown now, vs. the blue and they were before. Doc says that in another month, he'll tighten (fill) the band - that right now, my body is still healing and it's too early with swelling to do that. Right now, he's not concerned about weight loss so much as he is with me getting used to my new band. He wants me to start getting used to how quickly I should eat, to following the rules for food he's set out for me, and just generally healing. So my next appt. is Dec. 13th to get a tightening. Now I've graduated from liquids back to solids - completely and suddenly. It's been no problem. Here are the 5 main rules the doc laid out for me: No consumption of any liquid calories. I can have liquids all I want - as long as they're calorie-free. Water, powdered calorie-free drinks like Crystal Light, iced tea with Splenda, or Diet Snapple. All fine. No milk, juices, etc. At.All. It won't make me feel full, and it's just empty calories. Only eat when hungry. EVER. He said not to get caught up in thinking that you need to consume to lose, or that your metabolism is going to slow down, etc. The less calories you eat, the more you lose. So don't eat unless your body is telling you that you need to. And then, ONLY.SOLIDS. They take up room and make you feel full. Don't eat anything that melts when eating it - like iced cream, frosties, popsicles. They're all going to turn into liquids and you'll still feel empty but you've just consumed a lot of calories unnecessarily and it will hamper the weight loss. Diet should consist of low/no carbs. Eat foods high in protein first - followed by veggies. No breads, rice, rice cakes, potatoes or other starchy vegetables (sweet potatoes, corn). Meat, fish, shellfish and other unprocessed meats is great - lean versions. Grill or steam. Followed by some steamed veggies. Other allowable foods are beans, low-fat cheeses, eggs, and nuts. Says nuts should be in small quantities, though - get some you need to crack while you're eating or you'll overeat. Don't drink while eating. You can go out to dinner and celebrate with family and live like normal. You can have 16 glasses of water or Spenda-sweetened iced tea prior to your food arriving. But as soon as that food arrives, have them take your water away. NO drinking while eating - it pushes your food down past the band and makes the band pointless. You eat the protein first, followed by the veggies - until you're full - about 6 minutes of normal speed eating. Then STOP. After I have my band tightened, I need to ask myself at that point if I'm still hungry. If not, then stop eating. If so, then have a bit more - but then call the doctor for another band tightening. Apparently over time, the bands will need to be re-filled. I guess the tightening lasts longer and longer each time you do it. Maybe in the beginning, a tightening will only last a week - 10 days. Then a few weeks. Eventually, they'll last for a few months at at time. I can't remember rule #5. Lol. But I will add that after eating, I shouldn't drink for another 60-90 minutes. This gives the food time to sit in my pouch and digest slowly. Drink all I want after that, and in-between meals. I may feel uncomfortable after eating - like I'm hiccuping (I've already experienced this) or feeling like my food is stuck. That means my pouch is full, or I'm eating too fast. Slow down. Chew more. But do NOT do what comes natural and take a big swig of something to alleviate the symptoms - that just pushes the food down and turns what's left in the stomach into mush - which goes down much more quickly than solids. Learn over time what this discomfort is telling you on how slowly or how much you can eat. I'm still hungry. I'm eating meals the size that I should be, but it's definitely not enough. And I can eat way more than that (although I've been cutting myself off) because I don't want to get sick, and I do want to lose weight. A little hunger never hurt anyone, right? But I am looking forward to getting my band tightened in a month. Because I think then it'll just be that much easier to eat those small amounts and feel satisfied. Right now my biggest challenge is late evening - when I would normally have been shacking on trash. Now I try to eat something filling and good for me - like cottage cheese and some cut fruit (mangos are the BEST, as are berries). Or I have a few pieces of low-fat string cheese (I just eat them in chunks). Seems to be working so far. I'm having a really difficult time resisting my hot tea that I've had at bedtime nearly every night of my adult life - heavily sweetened. I'm going to have to see if I can have artificial sweetener with that and make it tolerable. I'm thinking not, but we shall see. Otherwise, so far, so good! I really did think this surgery would be pretty easy, and it was WAY easier than I thought it would be. I'm hoping this is the tool I needed to get started and stay on track. I'm counting on it.

I'm off to the doctor in about 15 minutes. FIrst post-op at 6 days. Had the surgery Friday - today's Wed. I'm hoping he'll put me back on solids. Lord knows I've tried a few things already with zero issues. I'm hungry! Lol. I can't wait to see how much weight I've already lost since my pre-op diet started nearly two weeks ago now. I do feel like I'm losing. I'm just not sure how much. It's been up and down due to swelling, mostly. I'm going to guess 8 lbs., hoping it's more. That way I won't be dissapointed. Watch it be 5 lbs. Ha ha. I'm going to weigh myself right before leaving, so I have some idea of how close the scales are. I'm going to mention this little "hiccup" think I often do if I eat a few bites in a row - even of something liquid. I often have to consume a glass of water to make it stop. Annoying, but not the worst thing I've ever experienced. I had to take off all the bandages - I think I was allergic to them. Was itching like crazy, and there were areas that were blistering and the skin was raw. My steri-stips look okay, though. One has already fallen off and that area looks very good. I can feel my port now. I knew where it was before, but I couldn't feel it. It's actually just next to the area that the wound is - so may I wasn't feeling the right area before. I'm making baked chicken tonight. It's my hope that I'll be allowed to have some dark meat chicken and a bit of broccoli. I'm assuming I'll get a fill today.

Welp, I'm on the other side of the dreaded surgery. Not too bad, really! The worst part was my shoulders aching due to them filling my belly with air for the surgery, and the air bubbles migrating to my shoulders. The actual wounds never hurt much beyond day 2. I haven't taken pain meds since day 2 post op. I do feel mightily bloated, but that's just uncomfortable - not painful, per se. I've been eating liquids only. Soups, home-made smoothies, yogurt, jello, pudding, popsicles. Really it's been mainly smoothies in the morning and soup the remainder of the day with an applesauce or jello thrown in. I'M HUNGRY!!! Doc says not to deprive myself, but I feel like I'm eating more often than I was. I'm hopeful that I'm losing weight during this time period, though. Today I plugged in the old Fit Bit to charge it and re-set my goals. Time to get moving a bit! I'm also finding some time to organize my clutter a bit, so my mind is more clear, too. It's not too much - mostly re-arranging things since our move to a smaller home 8 months ago. I visit the doc tomorrow for my post op. It's my hope he'll give me a fill then and I can start on solids! I'm tired of liquids, and tired of being hungry! The bandages over my wounds are scratching me to hell. I think I'm allergic. I have an area where the corner of one bandage was where the skin is gone. I've got a call into the doc to ask if I can take the waterproof covers off the steri stips. Then I think I'll be a bit more comfortable. So far, so good!

I'm super excited! I mean, not to have surgery, per se. This will be my ninth surgery in the past 25 years, and I'm a pro at them. I think the part I hate most is getting up so freaking early to get to the hospital, getting the IV in my hand, and having a super dry mouth afterwards. I can usually handle the rest. Lol. I'm slightly nervous about the pain, but I've had bigger surgeries before (including a complete knee replacement), so I'm confident I can handle it. This is a different pain, though - stomach. Anxious, but I'm okay. Just finished making my to-do list for today and tonight. That includes what to pack for the hospital, what I need to do before going to bed tonight (like showering with an anti-bacterial soap), and grocery shopping for some items for the following week (food). The surgery itself is outpatient and will only take about an hour. I'm the first surgery of the day, scheduled for 7:30 am, so I need to be there by 6:00 am. Up at 5 (having already showered and picked out my clothing), and out the door by 5:30. I'll be gone before my kids wake up in the morning (they're all teenagers, so that's not an issue), and likely be home before they are back from school. I plan on heading up to bed for some rest, and then hopefully I'll be felling well enough to have some broth for dinner. I'M READY!!!!

Right now I'm 320 lbs. The last time I had weight loss success was with WW when I started at 250 lbs. and reached 225 lbs. a few months later. I felt and looked WONDERFUL. I'm remembering today how different I felt about my appearance and some of the differences I experienced that made that time period so enjoyable. One was that I was getting exercise daily. I was walking to and from the train to my job, which was about 1.25 miles each way - twice a day. I remember starting out lagging behind the rest of the crowd, and then eventually keeping pace. I walked unless the weather was terrible. I remember seeing fat people along the way, and wondering why they didn't just DO something about it. Now I walk around and wonder if people think the same thing as I did. I know it's not as easy as simply deciding to just start chugging along when you can barely move without hurting. I can remember the day I realized that although my thighs were rubbing against each other, they were no longer 'stuck" against each other, causing chafing. They smoothly glided past each other, which was easier to prevent chafing. I also remember going to get new clothing, because my old ones were way too loose to fit anymore. I went into the plus size store alone, not knowing what size I was any more. I'd started out at a size 22, so I tried on a size 20. Too big. Tried on an 18 - too big! Tried on a 16 - it fit! I was a size 16?!? I hadn't been a size 16 since I WAS 16 - and here I was, nearing 40, and a size 16? Maybe it was just these pants. Tried on several more - they all fit. Not only that, but I stood there, thinking that these pants were really flattering. Same with the next pair, and the next. My GOD - was THIS my body now? Did it actually look this good in clothes? It did! I started wearing form-fitting clothing - wrap dresses and slim skirts and tops that cinched at the waist. Knee-high boots and heels and flattering jewelry (which always seemed to just look awkward before). Every day was fun when dressing. I noticed when I sat in my office chair that my belly was practically flat. I never had to "hike" my pants up. Nothing ever got stuck in a roll. That was at 225 lbs. I can't WAIT to be back to that body! I'd love it if I were able to get down even lower than that, but I'd be SO happy to be there again. I was able to run! Not well, and not a lot. But running through the train station didn't make me feel like I was going to die. Now going up and down half a flight makes me pant for 5 solid minutes! It'll be so nice to get back to where I was. I had more energy, too. And I wasn't hungry in the evenings after dinner. I had stopped coffee and was drinking water and was happy that way. Getting in and out of the car didn't require hefting my body up and out. Getting up off the couch was no big deal. I didn't lie around all evening - I took long walks, enjoyed my life more. I'm getting really excited about where I'm going back to. I do believe I've already lost a few pounds just from my pre surgical diet these past 5 days. I got on the scale today. I haven't done that and recorded it in a while. It said 309. I could SWEAR it was 328 just a week or so ago when I stepped on swiftly. My pants felt less tight at work yesterday. Almost imperceivably so, but still. I don't think it's my imagination.

I'm about 15 minutes from going into an all-day training (complete with catered lunch), and I'M PREPARED! Yay me! My pre-surgical diet is super restrictive, but I'm over halfway done already, and I can definitely make it a few more days. But it's amazing how the environment can sabotage you if you're not strong. After a good 6 months of my high rise building's lobby being closed, it's re-open today after construction, and there are free donuts and goodies for one and all. Nope! Just kept walking. Come to my floor and there's Halloween candy everywhere. The department over from me gets a weekly delivery of fresh fruit, and that's never looked so good (I can't have fruits or veggies). But I just at the bacon and hard-boiled eggs, I brought with me, and it was delicious! I've got my packed lunch (with snacks) with me. AND my trusty water bottle, which is already half gone. Gonna re-fill that and head off to this meeting. I'm excited that I'm doing so well! Maybe I'll stay awake better in this meeting without my typical sugar crash.