Trace Lynne

Hi. I'm a single, 35 year old female who is about 2.5 weeks from surgery. My official start weight was 363 lbs. I'm now 340 lbs, as of Friday's weigh-in. I was told 10 years ago that I would never lose the weight without surgery, and it's taken this long for me to decide to go through with it. My biggest fear at the time was how much I would miss out on travel-wise. I love to travel and didn't think the RNY was conducive to travel. I was working in a village in Guatemala last year when I came across someone who had been through the procedure and he told me how much better travel is post-op, now that he can go hiking and do the things he had wanted to do. I returned to the US for a job and the opportunity presented itself this past spring. I still have about 200 lbs to lose, and am worried about excess skin and all of that. But I'm working with a personal trainer to help strengthen the my muscles. I have always been that wonderful girl who is a great friend, but not datable. I'm curious to see what happens in that respect. Will I still remain invisible? How will it effect me? I'm so used to being picked on and laughed at that I ignore comments from guys. Yet, even with the weight I've lost since May, people are noticing a difference in me. My coworkers and nurse from the weight mgmt office all have asked me if I'm seeing someone new, because I'm radiant and glowing of late. And really, I feel alive for first time in years. Post-op, I have a date with my snowboard and the slopes over the winter holiday. My nephew, who turns 20 this fall, and I plan to participate in a warrior dash next summer. I would also love to connect with other single females in their late 20s to mid-30s who are going thru with the RNY. Or have gone thru with it. I want to know your experiences.

I can hardly believe that the surgery is 3 weeks from today. It will be about 3 months after I started this whole thing, and as long as I stay on track, I will have lost 25-30 lbs prior to surgery. That, in and of itself, is unheard of. Amazing. Last night was the worst night I've had so far. I couldn't do anything to curb my hunger, and I had a whole bunch of stuff come at me at once. I was ready to punch someone. I decided to remove myself from that situation before I exploded. I grabbed a bottle of water, my dog, and we went for a walk, despite my house being full of guests. I couldn't take it anymore and just needed to leave. As soon as we were out walking, I burst into tears. I was so hungry, so frustrated, so upset. I was thankful that the darkness outside could mask my tears a bit. We kept walking until I had calmed down. Everyone who was at the house had left or was in bed by the time I returned. I love my family, but I can't stand them at times. I haven't been entirely open with them about everything that is going on, but it would be nice if they could try to understand the boundaries I've given them. I wish they wouldn't look to me whenever they needed something fixed in their own lives. As one of my friend's said this morning, They always seem to look at things from their point of view, but never can look from your point if view and be understanding. Wouldn't it be nice if people could be understanding? Wouldn't it be nice if kids would understand better that their actions/words really can hurt others? Wouldn't it be nice if people didn't tease or pick on others because of what they look like or what a person can/cannot eat? I have to remind myself that there are things I can't change, I can only control/change how I respond to those things. And by going through this process, I'm making a big change in my life about how I handle things.

Last week I met with my surgeon. I was so excited and nervous. I knew that meant I would finally be out of limbo. I brought my support person along. I was ready, they say that surgery can be two weeks out, or 4 weeks, depending on the surgeon. He did his assessment and said, well, I think you're a good candidate, but you have a lot of fatty tissue in your midsection. I need that to loosen up and shrink, or that will make surgery more difficult. He said he wanted me on 4 weeks of product and to lose 15 lbs. I can do it, I know I can. I've already lost 14 lbs in the last 2 months, I just need to drop another 15 lbs in the next month. Easy, right? Then I went to the front desk, and the only available time they have for me is August 28th. SIX WEEKS? UGH! So much waiting, so much work. I picked up the liquid product, and I'm working towards consuming all 4 things during the day. I tried product cold turkey before, it was very difficult, and I thought I would give myself a couple weeks to ease into it. I really don't like the flavor of any of it... but its what the doctor wants. I am down to one meal of real food a day, plus the product three times a day. I plan to be on it full-time by this weekend. My calorie intake is down to 1,000 calories a day... and I'm feeling so moody. How have others dealt with this? I'm so hungry within 1.5 to 2 hours after I've had the shake or soup. I've been trying to consume more water, but the hunger monster starts to rear his angry head, and I'm so afraid that I'll snap at someone or just start crying. Yesterday, I was having issues with my computer at work because of the bugs from the new system migration we went through. I wanted to drop-kick it down the five flights of stairs. I was just so frustrated and angry... then I started crying. I'm afraid of what is going to happen when I drop reduce to the 800 calories/day consumption. To help with losing some of the weight, I've also enlisted the help of a trainer. I'm seeing him twice a week, going to Zumba class once a week, and walk/bike with my dog on the off nights. My muscles are sore... I'm tired and struggle to get up in the morning,... but I'm still trucking along... It would be nice if I could exceed that goal of 15 lbs...

I got "the call" on Friday. The surgeon's office called for my consultation. I will finally be able to set a date and tell work when exactly I am planning to be off on leave. To this point, it's a moving target. Over the course of the many appointments, I've had different health care professionals tell me different things about how this works. I will see the surgeon on Wednesday, and depending on what ever the formula is for setting the surgery date, they will give me a date either 2 or 4 weeks out... and I start the liquid diet phase... I'm continuing to follow the eating plan... however, I strayed a little this weekend. I went for a breakfast burrito yesterday... I could only eat a portion of it, though. Then I proceeded to spend the afternoon moving furniture and boxes around, trying to organize my home office space. I awoke today with sore muscles in my arms, up my sides, and across my chest/back. Is there a way to log that in myfitness pal? What surprised me, though, is that I wasn't even phased about not ordering diet soda. My program wants me off caffeine, carbonation, and diet soda. I've been following those instructions for nearly 2 weeks now. It surprises me how I'm not having any adverse response to the lack of caffeine. This weekend, I've been trying to process the idea that my relationship is about to completely change. I mean, for awhile it won't be anything solid, then very limited in quantity. We walked through Sam's club today, and there were rows and rows and rows of food there that I won't be able to eat. How people interact with me will need to change. I'm not sure how that will change people around me. I'm really excited, but also pretty nervous.

I went to see my hematologist last week, and did her tests. The tests came back and based on my understanding of the results, I only need a low dose of Coumadin post-op. yay! I've submitted my update to the dietitian, showing that I'm closer to meeting the guideline. I had a fun moment over the weekend. My nephew and I were sitting on opposite ends of the sofa on Saturday night. There were tons of bonfires and gatherings around the neighborhood. We were sitting there quietly, me playing on my iPhone and he was on his computer. Being funny I sent him a text challenging him to a dance-off on Just Dance. Without speaking, we got up, moved the furniture, and started up the Xbox. I love that game. We played for over an hour. I came close to beating him on one song... however, he stomped me on the rest of the songs. I still need to work up the courage to do the zumba games. As of today, I've been off soda, carbonation, and caffeine a week. In other news, I've lost enough weight to get back into some of my summer work blouses. They are a little snug, but they fit. I was so excited that I wore a blouse and slacks to the office today, however, the blouse is worn under a sweater, to help mask the bulging buttons at the belly. I was informed that I was looking pretty spiffed up and asked what the special occasion was. I was tempted to say something to the effect that I could fit back into the clothes. Instead, it was 'no reason, just felt like it'. I don't discuss my personal stuff at work. I can't wait until I hear back from the doc's office about setting an appointment with the surgeon.

I am having such a difficult time thinking about much else today. I mean, I did sit through 2 appointments and had a lab draw this afternoon. I have my vitamins. I have a pill packet to help keep me on track with the vitamins each day. I am not only going through the motions, but I'm also researching and learning. Yesterday, the behaviorist told me to think about short-, mid-, and long-term goals to help me get through the tougher moments. My target weight is 150 lbs, based on the composition analysis done by my bariatric doc. I haven't seen that weight on the scale since I was a teen. I accept I will never be the small, petite size of several other members of my family, but I'm good with 150. I keep trying to imagine what it will be like to be able to shop in a "normal" clothing store or to find cute things at thrift shops, instead of the clothing I've had to wear all of these years. As I hit the milestones post-op, I want to be able to go into stores and try on clothing. I really dislike this, but as I'm losing the mass, it will be exciting to see these changes. I look forward to cleaning out my closet and donating everything that is too big. One thing I have promised myself is that once I'm approaching my goal, I won't continue to hide myself under baggy clothing. I will work with a wardrobe person to get clothing fitted properly. For too many years, I have been hiding myself underneath tents. Beyond clothing, I REALLY want to be able to do the things I enjoyed when I was younger. I have a snowboard that has been in storage, waiting for me to return to the slopes. One trip I want to make is to Colorado to hit the slopes. I have a camera that really wants to go out hiking with me again soon. My hope was to go backpacking through glacier national park once I finished my graduate degree. I still haven't gone. To be able to sit in the roller coaster seat at Cedar Point again will be amazing. I was so disappointed the last time I went there and we couldn't get the restraint around my hips/belly. Of course, there will be a lot of work between now and then. I have several nieces and nephews who are finally big enough to ride the roller coasters at Cedar Point, so, next year, I want to plan a trip with my family to go spend the day there. The other thing I really want to do in the next year or so is hike the San Pedro Volcano in Guatemala. I was there in 2012/2013, and that mountain laughed at me. I really want to get myself into shape enough to hike to the top. Once I've lost some weight, I want to try out for a roller derby team. Everyone has to try it at least once, right? Once I'm under 300 lbs, I want to join a zumba class. Once I'm under 250 lbs, I want to join a kick-boxing class. Once I'm under 200 lbs, I want to join a parkour gym. I did gymnastics as a kid, I loved it and was disappointed that my parents stopped taking me. I want to bike the Dalmac. I want to do a warrior dash. I want to go sky diving. I want to go spelunking. I want to learn to rock climb. I want to be the cool aunt who teaches my nieces and nephews the fun of running. I used to run 10 miles at a time when I was in high school. Well, more of a jog, but I still went the distance. I want them to join me for 5k runs, 10k runs... and maybe even work up to half-marathons. I want to take the kids who are old enough out white water rafting. I want to go on canoeing and kayaking trips. I've missed out on so much for the last 6-8 years. In 2004, I went white water rafting, it was such a rush. I really want to go again. In 2006, I went zip-lining 100' in the air through a jungle, and I hiked a volcano that had erupted the week before and there was still molten rock flowing down the side. I haven't done much since then. I'm hoping that this will all help to keep me motivated. In the meantime, I will continue to take the small steps.

Today I met with the nutritionist again. She said I'm progressing very well, but I'm not quite there yet. She wants me hitting 12-14g of protein 5-6 times a day consistently before she signs off on moving forward with my surgery. My next appointment with her is in 2 weeks. She is the last person I'm waiting on to sign off before I can talk with the surgeon and get the surgery schedule. She told me to email my food report to her next week, and I've hit it everyday, then she will sign off. The changes I've been making in my diet seem to be helping, though. I mean, last night, after my shower last night, when I wrapped my towel around me, it touched end to end instead of there being a 3+ inch gap between the ends. I know it is a little thing, but I was so excited to see that. Then I got on the dreaded scale at the doc's office to have it tell us I've lost 12 lbs since my initial consultation. (Jumping up and down for joy!!!) 12 lbs in 6 weeks, that's probably better than any weight loss program I've done in the last decade.

This journey started the day I decided to go to the Sparrow Weight Management information session (5/6/14). The bariatric physician stood up and talked about how being obese, or morbidly obese, as in my case, isn't just about eating too much food. He spoke of how over the last 10 years, the medical community have started to realize over 150 things can go wrong and impact a person's normal system. My past experiences with doctors were about them blaming me for a lack of control and will power. But it never matter how much i ate or didn't eat... how much I exercised or didn't... I always put on the weight, an average of 10 lbs a year. I tried so hard, and nothing seemed to work, and I gave up. Now I'm about 200 lbs overweight, and that's when I decided to go to that information session. I about cried to hear this. They gave us a packet, told us to contact our insurance to ask the questions needed to see what is covered, and if we were interested, give the weight management office a call to set up our first consultation. I have over 200 of sick leave that I could use if needed, now was the time for me to move on this. I called my insurance office during break the next morning and got all of the answers to the questionnaire. I then called the weight management office to get my appointment with them. Ugh, I had to wait until May 30th for the initial consultation. So, I decided to set up an appointment with my primary care doc to just let them know I'm moving forward with this. May 30th rolls around. In addition to meeting with the doctor, I spoke with the surgical coordinator, the person who helped set up all of my appointments and tests. Chest x-ray Lab work, where they took 10-11 viles from me EKG Sleep test Appt with my hemo specialist Outside psych eval Exercise readiness dietitian consultation ... just to name a few... I guess it could be worse... I mean, its not like I have tons of ailments with more specialists who have to sign off on this procedure. My insurance approved my moving forward with the surgery over a month ago, but the weight management office has their process. I've received sign off from everyone except the dietitian as of today. I see her a little later this morning, and I go talk to my hemo specialist to get the blood clot prevention strategy in place, since have a genetic blood disorder, increasing my chances of getting a blood clot (which was discovered a few years ago after my knee surgery and I was admitted to the ICU with massive clotting post-surgery). I spoke with the behaviorist yesterday... and asked her what happens once I get final sign-off from the dietitian. She said that's when I go to stage 2 of hoop jumping... yeah! I switch to the liquid diet for 2-4 weeks, meet with the dietitian, behaviorist, exercise specialist weekly, go to pre-op educational classes, and do the surgical consultation. She said I will also get my surgery date at that time. I am approaching 6 weeks of this process beginning with my initial consultation. The summer if flying by. The first part, waiting for the initial consultation felt like I was climbing the first hill of a roller coaster. I've been averaging 2-3 appointments/tests a week and it feels like the pedal is to the metal. Based on what I was told, the earliest I can go in for surgery is the last week of July (and my educational sessions would be condensed into 2-4 hours for the next couple weeks). However, the way appointments seem to be happening, It will more likely be mid-August. Unfortunately, this makes it really difficult for me to plan my schedule at work for the rest of the summer. I am excited about how quickly things are going, but it also feels like the unspecified surgery in the near future is forever away.