Trace Lynne

A couple weeks ago, I posted a blog entry about the changes in my abilities, since I started working with my trainer a year ago: "I may not be there yet, but I am closer than I was yesterday". In this write up, I posted a video of me deadlifting 135 lbs, to commemorate about how much weight I had lost at that point (about 130-ish pounds). The amazing realization I had during this session was just how much more power and endurance I have. In addition to the weightlifting, I was able to do a full pull-up (with the assistance of bands), and blew away my stats on my original assessment (4 times faster than I was the year prior). This really was a renewal to my commitment to get down to my goal range. My doctor told me I should aim for 150-170 lbs. I'm within 70-90 lbs of that goal. I had been slacking off a bit. Sure, I was exercising, but not enough to really help me to lose much weight. My goal for my 1 year follow-up with my surgeon (which is in a couple weeks), is to be under 200 lbs. I'm still 40 lbs off from that. .... But, rather than bumming on my lack of progress, I've put together a redemption plan. My body needs more intense exercise than what I'm giving it, so, starting this week, I will be back at the gym with my trainer 3-4 days a week. I am going to be practicing with the local roller derby team. I will start out skating 1 day a week, but once I'm comfortable on my skates again (per their criteria), I will be skating 3 days a week with the team. In the meantime, I'll try to get to the open skate at the rink as often as I can fit into my schedule I've registered to play as a substitute for a local soccer league I will continue walking/biking with my dog as weather permits. I have a goal to be back on track by the 1.5 year follow-up with the doctor. If I target the 12 lbs/month goal that my trainer wants me to focus on, I should reach my goal in 7.5 months. We'll see how it goes. I still have shorter-term goals that I am working towards: Getting down to 220 lbs, so that I can jump out of an airplane Snowboarding once winter hits Getting on the roller derby team (not just practicing with them) Completing a Warrior Dash Hiking the San Pedro Volcano in Guatemala (plan on doing over the winter holidays) The things that I accomplished this summer: Taking dancing lessons Played soccer for the first time in a decade Went on all of the roller coasters at Cedar Point, including the ones I couldn't ride the last time I was there in 2007 Established a 5k walking route at work that I do on my lunch hour Biked through most of the local rivertrail with my dog. The furthest I have traveled with him is 12 miles. The furthest I have biked on my own is about 18 miles. Went to a water park that had a surf/wave machine, and actually rode the waves (on the body board). I flew off the surfboard pretty quickly, decided I need to work on that one more. Went to derby practice, and skated for 2 hours. Last summer when I tried to skate, I went around that rink three times and it was too much for me. I was holding onto the wall, and completely unbalanced.

Ok, 9 months has passed since my 35th birthday, 6 months has passed since my surgery, and I'm keeping a pretty decent pace on losing weight. I really had hoped I could keep myself motivated enough to lose 200 lbs from birthday to birthday, but that required losing 50 lbs every three months. I am averaging 40 lbs every three months... which isn't bad at all. Yes, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that I have lost 120 lbs since May 2014... So, if I continue my average of 40 lbs every three months, I will hit my goal in time for my 1-year anniversary of surgery, which is pretty frickin' cool! Then, I can start talking about getting skin removed... its already really starting to annoy me... I've been trying to build up enough leave time at work that I can have the surgery in time for the winter holidays... then I would need 6 days fewer of leave time. Another goal I will accomplish in the next three months is that I will graduate with my masters degree. I was going to finish my coursework last fall, however, with the surgery right before the beginning of the fall semester, I decided not to push my luck and postponed my course until this semester. Now it is time to set new goals and keep looking into the next few years... where do I want to be with my career? What do I want from the next 3 years? Next 5 years? and so on... what is possible now that I've lost a bunch of weight and have the confidence that I never thought was possible before? Time to take a good look at my current life and see what changes I want to make and get the ball rolling. Especially since the family issues that brought me back to this "safe place" are now resolved and I no longer NEED to stick so closely to my family. I mean, had I not returned home to help my family out 2 years ago, I would not have decided to have surgery or to reapply to grad school to finish the last of my coursework. I have a whole new perspective on my life and the world around me... I want to make the most of this situation.

I had some time to kill while I was waiting for my prescription to be filled by the pharmacy at the local superstore. I decided to try on jackets in the women's clothing section. They only have clothing that typically goes up to 2X. I tried on the different sizes, 2X, 1X, and XL for each jacket. This was prompted by a discussion earlier this week that all of my 3X coats being too big on me. In general here's what I found: 2X jackets - all fit me well, some were a little big 1X jackets - all fit me and I could close them, but there were a bit snug XL jackets - I could get them all on, which was kind of surprising. My upper arms were a little too big for the jackets made on non-stretchy material to get them on all of the way. I have a good 4-6 inches to lose around the gut before I can close them. As I was trying these different jacket on, I kept thinking, in a few months, I hope be able to do this with the Medium, Large, and X-Large clothing. Back when I weighed 180 lbs, I was wearing X-Large t-shirts only because I wanted it to be baggy and hide my chest. I was huge for a teenage girl, and I didn't want to give the guys in school any more of a reason to feel me up as they passed me in the hallway at school.

Congratulations on the progress you are making, both in health and in life. It is a great feeling to be in control of our lives again, isn't it? My trainer tells me that I need to change things up once I start to stall. Good luck.

I did it! When I weighed in on 12/16/14, I crossed the line from 98 lbs to 101 lbs lost! It was only three pounds, however, those three pounds pushed me into the 3-digit realm of weight loss. I was so excited. Now I'm down about 105 lbs. It is just crazy to say it, and I've been telling EVERYONE! People I know, people I don't know... EVERYONE... I'm just so excited about hitting this milestone. As a result of this milestone, I decided to treat myself to a couple new clothes. I walked into Lane Bryant after work that Friday after the weigh-in (yeah, I had to wait until payday)... and said, so, I've lost some weight, and I have no idea what size clothing I am. It was actually FUN trying on clothes for 1.5 hours. To put it in perspective, the shirt I was wearing was a baggy 3x shirt and the pants were a size 22 jeans that I had picked up from good will the beginning of October. The size 22 jeans were so big that I could pull them on and off without undoing the button or zipper. By the end of this trip, I walked out with size 18 trouser jeans, a couple size 14/16 shirts, and a couple 18/20 blouses for work. The idea that I am wearing size 16 or 18 clothing again is mind-blowing. I'm quickly coming to the bottom of the Lane Bryant size ranges, meaning I can start shopping in regular clothing stores again. However, I suspect the next down-sizing I do will be back at good will. I really shouldn't continue purchasing brand new clothing that I can only wear for a couple months. Of course, I may need to go through my clothing again soon. Its been 2 weeks since that shopping trip, and I've lost enough weight that some things are fitting awkwardly. After going through 3-4 outfits the other day, I kind of missed the thing I was trying to dress for. I decided, instead, to tend to my closet. I pulled out all of the clothing I purchased at last year's end-of-year clearance from lane bryant, and found that nothing fits me, at all. Some of the stuff still has its tags, even. So, I started going through older clothing, which all ended up in that pile too. I have a huge stack of clothing to hand off to goodwill the next time I go in. I only have 2-3 pair of dress slacks to wear to work and some blouses (old and new). I would much rather have this problem than going the other way, but some days it isn't as easy as others to wrap my head around this. I'm down over 100 lbs, which is unbelievable to me. If its this amazing at 100 lbs, what will it be like when I attain my goal and have lost over 200 lbs????? I can't even fathom that. Of course, having lost over 100 lbs, I am noticing extra skin, which I have no idea how to handle, other than wearing compression clothes and/or always making sure I have a second layer of clothing other to help mitigate the jiggle. There is no way of knowing how bad the skin will be until I get to that bridge. I've started watching Vlogs for people who have lost a bit of weight and are going through the skin removal process. I'm a little nervous about that part... but I know it will probably be a year before I'm there. Some posts I've seen say that women should target body fat % of 17-20 before even considering skin removal surgery. Seeing as I'm still at body fat of 47%, it will be a while. For the record, I'm ready to be at that point, I'm so ready to be past this current phase/stage of the journey... however, I was never given a FF button, so, I have to live through the next 6-12 months while I continue losing weight. It is kind of fun to think that soon I will be approaching the same size as my younger sister, who has always been much smaller than me. While she was in high school, she swam and did equestrian, and wore a size 4. She is currently wearing size 12-14 clothing. Anyone else working to wrap their head around their new/ever changing body? I would love to hear from others about this.

I am sorry to hear that your mom is working to help sabotage your progress. It definitely is not easy to do, and having someone who is trying to hold you back like that must be really discouraging. I'm here, anytime you need to chat.

Progress or lack thereof: I'm tired and have been under a lot of stress lately between work and family... I suspect that this has contributed to the slowing of my weight-loss progress... so, today, I came across this article and I just got so annoyed, and its totally irrational, I know. But I'm still annoyed. http://www.pressroomvip.com/shocking-celebrity-weight-loss/ This is a slide show of celebs before/after pics of losing weight. I know I'm impatient... I know that this is a process to work through... It is so annoying to see these things, though... the annoying part, they are dropping 40, 50, 60, 80, 100 lbs... and many of them look great... I've dropped over 90 lbs... and I still have SO MUCH FURTHER TO GO... I know, its only been 6 months... and over 90 lbs in 6 months is pretty fantastic... in fact... its better than what I have ever accomplished... I wish I could get to the point where people stopped looking at me like a fat girl... I still see it in how people respond to me... Of course, I don't know if that will ever happen... I don't know if I will ever NOT be the fat girl. As I find my new body over the next year, I feel like going through this process will be a little hell-on-earth. My perceptions and where I'm going will continue to not match up with how others see me or how I am perceived. Does anyone else struggle with stupid things like this? Trying to keep up: Last week, I think I overdid it a little. I went on a day-trip to Chicago with a group of friends and walked around the city all day. At the end of the day, my pedometer said I went some 7.5 miles. Of course, I was wearing nicer dress shoes and not walking shoes. My muscles hurt in my legs and lower abs for the next two days. It was difficult to get comfortable. All's I wanted to do was drink and eat, not that I could eat much... Last night, I participated in a walking group at a nearby mall... we walked almost 5 miles and by the time we finished, I was dizzy and light headed. When I hit 5 miles in a day, its not typically all at once. I was really annoyed that I had to sit down to steady myself for a bit. I wasn't out of breath, just dizzy. I know I'm pushing myself, but it helps be bring down my stress levels, which are up due to work... also, I am trying to change things up so that I can avoid stagnating over the holidays. Confidence, on a positive note: I do have to admit, that as my size is shrinking, my confidence is increasing, especially at work. It has been noticed and commented on by my supervisor and co-workers. I still hesitate or stay quiet in group/social situations, but I'm taking the bull by the horns with my project at work... and I'm feeling grounded enough that I've dusted off my application for my PhD program, which is related to my current job/project... and I will be submitting it in the next month. My 2nd 5K Race post-op: On Thanksgiving, I participated in the local 5k Turkey Trot, and I was blown away on how well I did. My 5k walk time for the Turkey Trot was 56:41.5...That is about 15 mins less than the 1:11:15 time I got for the 5k in September! My average pace was about 18 mins...Back when I started tracking my walks over the summer, my first mile walk was just under 30 mins. I'm close to cutting that initial time in half! Oh, and I didn't come in dead last this time. I was number 3607 of 3745. I still want to lose another 25-30 lbs before I start jogging, because I don't want to put too much pressure on my knees, but with the new year, my goal is to complete 1-5k race each month and want to be jogging/running them by summer. Dusting off the snowboard: I've been talking about it all fall. My goal is get out on the slopes again this winter and really learn to snowboard. I've been working for the last 6 months get myself ready. I've pulled out all of my gear, which fits me all again! The pants are a little snug, but yeah, I'll get over that. I was going to go out over thanksgiving, but had a family emergency pop up that messed up those plans. I'm ready to head over to a ski area this weekend. I'd go on Saturday, but have a birthday party to attend in the afternoon and my niece and nephew to watch in the evening. It will have to wait until Sunday.

Thank you!

The first image was taken on my birthday in May which is when I committed to a year of better health, the second image was taken yesterday. Its been 5 months, and I've lost 80lbs. I've now lost more post-surgery than I lost during pre-surgery. I am so amazed at the difference that I had to share it. I posted it on my FB page for the whole world (well, at least my world of friends) to see... and the feedback has been astounding. I'm proud of my ability to see this commitment through. The last time I started working with the weight management center, I lasted 3 months... which is not even half the time I needed at that point to qualify for surgery. I am still working with my personal trainer and going to Zumba classes most other days of the week. The only days I don't have activities scheduled are Fridays and Sundays, but I use those days to go out and do things with friends and family (like 5k walks or hiking)... Food-wise, I've mixed it up a bit. I still have the protein shake in the morning and a protein bar as an afternoon snack, then I eat cottage cheese for morning snack and soup or chili for lunch and try to make something different each evening. The day-time eating usually goes pretty well, but that is predictable and I know I can eat it. Its the food that I make at night that isn't so successful. For meats, I can eat chicken and turkey. I can finally stomach an egg. None of the other meats I've tried seem to work. I have a friend who suggested I try to go gluten-free, since its hit-or-miss as to what makes me sick. Has anyone else experienced these limitations 2 months post-op? I'm hoping that my 6-month update that I put out to everyone will be 100 lbs lost. That would be so exciting. It would be almost halfway on my current journey.

I am a goal-driven individual, it seems to be the best way to keep me on task. As part of this process, it was suggested that I should establish short-, mid-, and long-term goals to keep me going in this process. Despite being larger as a teenager, I was always strong and athletic. I would spend hours outside chopping wood, moving hay, or other manual things during my summer vacations. I biked from county-line to county-line just to say I did. One of my short-term goals was to get back out on the slopes this winter. Its been several years since the last time I went out. Since before my knee surgery in February 2009. That year I had planned on spending new years out on the slopes, but instead, I spent that New Year's Day at the hospital getting an MRI scan on my knee. Yeah, not cool. I have since healed from the knee thing, but I put on a lot of weight, and was really nervous about getting back out on the slopes. I often wonder how I allowed this to happen to me, but I shouldn't dwell on it. As I read recently, you can't move forward in life if you keep re-reading the last chapter. My goal that is keeping my motivated and going at this time, over the holidays, I'm going north and I'm going to get on my snowboard for the first time in half a decade. The poor thing has been calling to me for the last several winters. This winter, I'm going to try to go as often as I can. Of course, I'm planning on working with an instructor early on in the season, to help me get my footing and balance back. In the meantime, my personal trainer is working with me on my balance, agility, and strength. Its SO exciting. Last night's workout was so inspiring. He was impressed with how strong I'm getting. I blew through all of his exercises without faltering. He said he'll continue to work on making it tougher to push me, but doesn't want to push me so far to injure me. To help keep me focused, I decided to bring out my snowboarding pants and hang them where I will see them every morning when I get ready for work. It has been a long 4.5 months, but I've come so far. The first time I tried to put them on, I couldn't even get them past my thighs. As of last night, they come all of the way up, but I still have about 6 inches to lose around the belly before they will fit comfortably. I can do it. I've come this far, I'm not going to stop now. I'm counting down until I can hit the slopes again... 65 days and counting... I think I want to target losing about 25-30lbs, just so I know that the pants will fit better. Compared to where I was just 4.5 months (and 75 lbs) ago, I am sooooo close! Once I accomplish that, I can set my sights on my next set of goals... Running the Warrior Dash in July, and taking the nieces and nephews to Cedar Point to ride the roller coasters! Of course, with 8-10 eligible nieces and nephew (ie, old enough and big enough to ride the big coasters), I'll need to enlist the help of at least 1 other person to caravan down... but I think it would be fun if the siblings would join me.

Over the weekend, I went to my grandmother's 90th birthday party, and this was the first time that many of my family members have seen me since I started this whole process back in May. Some of the comments I received confused me. Ok, so yes, I've lost 75 lbs, with a starting weight of 367 lbs. I still have about 150 lbs to go to get to my goal, that is another person's worth of weight I have to lose. To me, 75 lbs is only 1/3rd of the way to my goal. And there is so much more I have to lose. The comments I received over the weekend just baffled me. I mean, sure, 75 lbs is significant, but people said thing to the effect of: Wow, now are you half the woman you used to be?! Yeah, I'm not at the half-way point. It was also stated that someone mistook me for my younger (and littler) sister at first glance from afar. Oh, that is too funny. I'm sure she would appreciate that sentiment. My dad's cousin came over to tell me that my dad has been talking about how I've been whittling away down to nothing. Sigh... that is so not true, but yes, I am getting smaller and, more importantly, healthier and stronger. Sometime about mid-way through this event, I started to wonder if I LOOK like I've lost more weight than I actually have. I mean, that is totally feasible. I looked at my numbers today. At 367 lbs, I was at 63% body fat, and now at 292 lbs, my body fat is 48%. If you do the math, that is 91 lbs of body fat lost, plus 16 lbs of muscle gained. So, yes, I look look I've lost a bit more weight. I decided I needed to try to quantify that and found this image (attached) to compare the difference. It shows the difference between 5 lbs of fat vs 5 lbs of muscle. I have lost about 18 of those fat blobs, and gained about 3 of those muscle chunks. Mind = blown So, that's what people are seeing... now I get it... I can't wait until that number is even higher...

I know we are told in our educational sessions that surgery isn't magic, allowing for the change to happen overnight. However, I hoped it would be easier to keep a steady loss. I'm going to 3-4 Zumba classes a week, plus seeing my personal trainer twice a week. If I slack off any, I won't lose any weight. This is what I think happened in the past few weeks, where I was sore, sick, or too tired to keep to the routine, and my body just didn't respond. Not to mention, I've been struggling to get enough protein and calories in on a daily basis. My doc wants me at 1,000 calories a day, and I'm getting close, but not quite hitting that number. I stepped on the scale yesterday, and it informed me that I hit 292 lbs. Amazing! The last few weeks have been slow to lose weight. I spent almost 2 weeks bouncing around a single pound. Ugh! After almost 2 weeks stuck on the same number, I stepped on the scale this morning, there it was 292 lbs! In my morning not-so-awake-ness, it took me a minute to do the calculation, but that is a total of SEVENTY-FIVE pounds I've lost since this past spring!!!!!! I'm so excited. I'm 25 lbs away from hitting 100 lbs lost... I'm less than 10 lbs from the goal the surgeon set for me to lose by my next visit, on December 1st. I told my trainer that I want to aim to lose 100 lbs by the next time I see my surgeon. I have 7 weeks to shed these 25 lbs, so, that's only 3-4 lbs each week, and seems completely doable, if I'm not completely stagnant. If I hit that goal, that means I will have lost 100 lbs in the first 6 months. CRAZY! Fun story, I had to go shopping for new dress pants this past weekend. I had no choice in the matter. I owned 6 pair of dress pants, 4 pair are now so big that they fall down while I walk. 1 pair fits well, and the last pair doesn't fit quite yet. (Its a size 20 that I picked up on clearance back when I still wore size 20 pants and I liked them so much that I couldn't convince myself to part with them when I got rid of everything else.). After my Zumba class on Saturday, I raided the local goodwill, which had quite a few pair of pants in the larger sizes. I didn't know what size to try, so, I grabbed women's 26, 24, and 22 pants. I was so excited to find out that the size 22 fits! Its a little snug on the waist, but fits the backside, hips, and legs just fine. I picked up 5 pair of dress pants for work and a pair of jeans. I haven't owned jeans in quite a while. This all cost me about $26. I love goodwill! I can't wait until I can get into the smaller clothing sizes, with the better selection.

I stepped on the scale yesterday, and I'm down to 309! I can't believe it... I'm 10 lbs away from being back in the 200s... I'm almost back to my post-knee surgery weight from 2009. But what was even cooler? I dragged myself into the 9am Zumba class, and I found myself actually bouncing with some of the songs. There literally was more bounce in my step. It didn't hurt my knee quite as much to jump and bounce. I can only imagine how I'll be flying through the songs once I get closer to my goal!

Some thoughts... How much protein vs. carbs vs. fat are you eating? (I'm told to target 70g of Protein and keep my ratio at 40%P - 30%C - 30%F) How much cardio vs strength training are you doing? (Strength training tones/builds muscles, cardio burns fat ... are you balancing the cardio/strength training correctly?) In addition to looking at weight, are you looking at inches lost? How does that compare from week to week? Is your BMI/body composition changing?

That is awesome! Congratulations!

2.5 weeks out, and I returned to work yesterday. I didn't think sitting at a desk job would be that taxing... and was I wrong. I was going strong all morning... then about 2pm, I heated up, the room started spinning, and I couldn't walk straight. My admin assistant told me that I was suddenly drained of color, and they were ready to call a cab to send me home in. I allowed the episode to pass before driving home. I made it home by 3pm, crawled into bed and passed out. I awoke briefly at 8pm, had some dinner and crawled back into bed. Today is a new day. I returned to work, and things seem to be going better so far. I am trying to better stay on my feeding schedule... I'm alert... my admin assistant said I look 100x's better today. Fun times... I think there are a couple frustrating things related to this process.... 1) There are certain things I want, but know I can't have (namely Ice Cream and Pizza), but these are the same things that probably got me into this situation. For whatever reason, Chili seems to be my go-to, now that I can have semi-solid foods. I have been able to eat chili without any issues, every time. I've tried scrambled eggs and refried beans mashed together, but that doesn't go down well. I suspect I'll need to learn some other soup recipes... 2) I have lost 55 lbs, meaning I'm sorting through clothing to see what clothing fits and what doesn't. I've had to 'retire' my 3x shirts/blouses. My size 24 dress pants are getting baggy, my size 20 dress pants aren't quite big enough for me, and I don't have ANY size 22 pants at this point (I gave them all away). It was pretty awesome to step into my size 24 dress pants this morning, and have them be so big. With any luck, I'll be into the size 20 pants within the month, but I'm not sure what to do in the meantime. One friend suggested I run over to goodwill to grab a couple pair of size 22 dress pants to make it through the month. And once I drop below size 20... I'll have to start buying everything, because I don't have anything below size 20 at this point. I am REALLY looking forward to the smaller sizes. 3) One of my goals is to go snowboarding over the holidays. My snowboarding stuff has been in storage for several years (I messed up my knee winter of 2008/2009), and waiting for me to return. I tried on my snowboarding pants this weekend, and there is still some weight in the hips, thighs, and belly before they fit right. My surgeon asked that I lose 35 lbs by the beginning of December, and it is my goal to lose 50 lbs by that point. I should fit back into all of my gear at that point. Of course, once I hit my overall goal, I will need to get new clothing, since there is no way that they will fit next year. 4) I know I have made so good progress, and over half of it is from the work I did pre-op. However, I still see my 300+ lbs self in the mirrors on the walls of the dance studio when I go to zumba class. In every class I've been to in the last week, I'm the LARGEST/HEAVIEST person there. I do my best to keep up, and the loss of 50 lbs has really helped me move more easily. There are still things I can't do well, and I'm still not fast. With all of the work I've done, I feel like I should be an average-sized person. But I still have about 150 lbs to go before I'm there. So, when people see me, unless they know the work I've been doing, they only see some 300+ lbs fat girl. People still stare me down, make inappropriate comments, and judge me. For as much hard work as I've done over these last few months, I still have to deal with regular and daily ridicule of those who know nothing about me. I've been changing inside and out, but this does not stop mean people from being mean. I think this is the worst and most frustrating part of the process... I'm dealing with myself daily, and this is very much in the moment... time feels like it has slowed down. I have to feel every pain and see every look, there is no fast forward button. Once I am beyond this stage, I'm sure it will seem like it happened in the blink of an eye, but the day-to-day of this time ticking by so slowly... I've experienced this in the past, when I've lived abroad and am learning the language and culture of those places... but those were fun times... Yeah, that's me... I don't want to wish my days away, I just wish this process didn't take such a toll on me.

The first couple of days after surgery are a bit fuzzy, but that is to be expected. I tried to ween myself off the pain meds fairly quickly. Now, I only use them at night, if needed to help go to sleep. I haven't used them for the last couple nights. My new stomach and I are still trying to negotiate terms, and each day is spent trying to figure out what things we do and do not like. The only major hiccup I have had in this process is that I woke up this past Thursday night/Friday morning about 3:30am screaming in pain. It was an excruciating pain on the upper-right part of the abs, just under the rib cage. I suspected it was a gallbladder thing. I contacted the doc as soon as his office opened in the morning, and they had me come in for an exam. The doc seems to think it had something to do with gallbladder too. He sent me to get tested and have an ultrasound done of the area. By about 2pm in the afternoon, the pain left about as quickly as it came... and I was able to relax enough to fall back to sleep. Something positive that came out of the doc visit is to see that I dropped almost 10 lbs since surgery. All together, I have lost like 47 lbs, I can hardly believe it. I'm almost at the 50 lbs mark since last spring. How is that even possible? I've never been this successful at losing weight... and most of that weight came off pre-op! So, as I've approached (and maybe even hit) the 50 lbs mark, something I've noticed about my morning/evening walks with the dog is that I feel phenomenal. I mean, as I walk, it feels like there is less gravitational pull on my body... almost like what I would imagine walking across the surface of the moon would be like. I walk faster, the pressure that used to be on my knees and lower back is gone... and my clothing is hanging on me... making it feel like I'm flowing as I walk. I know that people still seen the 300+ lbs version of me, but that version of me is becoming less by the day. I still have a long way to go before I hit my goal. However, with as fit and energetic as I feel at the moment, I see myself more as the person who has already hit that goal. I hope I can continue on this strong in the coming months as winter approaches.

My surgery was on Thursday, 8/28... I was in the hospital Thursday, Friday, and they let me go home yesterday. I was a bit loopy all of Friday, and I wasn't completely there yesterday. Luckily, my nephew was able to hang out with me all afternoon. I told my nephew that one task I've been assigned from the doc is to release the CO2 that is caught in my gut. He made a game of it and started rating my releases on a scale of 1-10. After a while, he started to join in. I mean, what teenaged boy would pass up a gas passing contest?? At one point, we were laughing so hard that things got a little out of control, however, I feel a lot less like the balloon I came home as. I mean, this is about how I felt (link below) http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Tv6DJxVDN-Y/UK573JF6a2I/AAAAAAAAB3o/dH6KjTjJoSQ/s400/violet-beauregarde.jpg I feel a bit groggy today, but that is to be expected. I don't hurt anywhere, just am a bit uncomfortable at times. I managed to consume about 600 calories yesterday and about half the water I need. I'm glad I haven't hit that point that so many people talk about when they are nauseated and/or throwing up. I'm taking the pain meds as needed. Mostly, before I lie down to sleep. I'm sticking to the doc's orders on how to consume food and how much to move. Just not quite to the amount he wants me to be consuming. It feels weird that I have no hunger or appetite, I'm consuming as best as I can, and thinking of it more like medicine than food. Something to keep me healthy and going while I recover.

I have three full days left before surgery. These last couple of days have been a little more difficult. I'm supposed to be on all liquids, no protein bar. I want nothing more than to chew something. I want to eat food. My craving for food in my mouth has consumed my thoughts today. I couldn't focus on anything else for very long. I haven't gotten anything done that needed to be done. I have been sticking to the plan, but it is so difficult. I've spent much of today angry and grumpy... and crying from the frustration I feel. The dog and cat have done their best to distract me. I actually took a nap earlier today. I don't typically nap. Lost in thought today, trying to distract myself, I went through a whole roller coaster of emotions. In less than 5-days' time, I will be sitting in the hospital, surgery will be completed, and the tool I've been waiting 10 years to deploy will be in hand. I will be past that milestone, past the anxiety and nerves I feel today. I will have the rest of my life ahead of me, without being controlled by the constant hunger I've felt for the last couple years. I will be able to get into shape and live the life I've always wanted. I've lost my youth in this process. I am 35 years old, I'm no longer the 20-something idealist who wanted to save the world. I am no longer the person who stayed out to all hours of the night partying and dancing. I missed most of the things I wanted to do in my mid-20s, because I was so caught up in working long hours, doing my master's degree, and getting ahead. That isn't what I wanted for myself. I hardly made time to date in my 20s. I had a boyfriend during college, and a couple short-term things since. Most of my adult life has been on my own. My nephew once asked me why I would choose such a lonely existence. ... This is where some of the soul searching comes in... For as long as I can remember, I have feared relationships, just as much as I have feared being on my own. I always wanted someone to love me... but I was always the fat girl, the weird girl... I didn't fit into anyone's mold or ideal. I grew up in a small town, and I was never asked out by the boys I went to school with... not once... Not my entire time in high school... I did have a date to junior and senior proms, but that was because I dragged along friends who were younger than me (and in band with me). I was always told there was something wrong with me, and I feared I would always be alone. In college, I started dating someone my first year, and I held on to that shred of hope for 4 years past the expiration date. He was horrible to me, and he even admitted that to me years later. I wanted so desperately to have someone be there for me, that I let him drag me down. It was the worst break-up I could have ever imagined. It took my years to want to try dating again. After college, I thought work and grad school could help me fill the void I have always felt in my life. I loved my job and used to joke about how I was married to my work. I did my best in school, and my last semester gpa was 3.54. I was doing so well. Then I broke up with my job in my early 30s, or rather, I moved on. I was ready for a new adventure. I was promoted and one of the youngest people at my level in the entire department. I thought I was doing so well. I thought I could take on the world, and started dating again, all of the wrong people. Within a few months, I was so incredibly miserable. Oh, and let's not forget about all of the money I spend to fill the void. I bought a house, had a new car, filled my house completely... I had so many clothes that I couldn't possibly wear them all. I filled the closet in my room, the office, and the upstairs room. I decided to moonlight as a photographer to help distract me from how miserable I was at work and in my relationships. I had all this amazing equipment, $1000s of equipment. In dating the wrong people, I felt so worthless. The last guy I dated would come to visit on the weekend, and we would do nothing but fight. Or rather, he would spend a couple hours yelling at me about everything, my house was a mess, i was too fat, I worked too much, you name it... we would go through the spiel, every weekend. He left me and moved on... was married by the following summer. I was devastated that I meant so little to someone that they could turn around and marry another less than a year after we had been making plans for the long-term. I was done. I couldn't take it anymore. I had one of those moments in life where I sat at a crossroads, and a quote from my favorite movie popped in my head. It was time to get busy living or get busy dying. I chose living. I made a radical change that shocked everyone. The next day I put in my 2-weeks' notice at work, I got rid of my stuff, I turned my house back over to the bank, I packed up my camera, laptop, and some clothes and I hit the road. I ended up in a small village in central america, working with a non-profit and feeling free and like myself for the first time since I was in college. I was living off my savings, with the intent to continue south, working along the way as I could find it. Unfortunately, family issues summoned me back to the US within a year. I wasn't done with my journey, but things needed to be handled state-side. Not to mention, I had a few loose ends to tie up before departing further into the jungle. I had not finished my master's degree. I stopped 1 class shy and took a break for personal reasons. I had some stuff in storage that I need to rid myself of. I need to lose my excess weight and get healthy again. Sorry... tangent... I came across someone while I was traveling who was rather insightful... She told me that there were still things I needed to fix about myself and how I perceive myself. She said that I would not be happy in a relationship until I am happy with myself. Looking back, she was right, I was always miserable in those relationships. I was never searching for a partner for the right reasons. I don't know if I know what those reasons are, or if I will ever know. She told me that I would be in my mid-to-late 30s before I felt alive and whole, but I needed to do that for myself before bringing another into the equation. Its been a couple years, I'm state-side... I'm now 35 years old... and everything fell into place to allow me to have surgery just a few months after my birthday. Looking back, I am sorry that I missed out on the vibrance of what could've been my 20-something life, but I'm convinced I needed to have those experiences to truly be ready for these moments over the next few days, weeks, months, years... If I would've opted for the surgery in my mid-20s, I would have not taken the chance to find myself. I did, in the jungles of central america, find myself more than any other moment I've had. I was on my own two feet, I was in a place I didn't speak the language, I felt good with the work I did. Most importantly, I was not defined in terms of anyone else. I was strong, independent, free willed... and the only thing that stopped me from continuing further on the journey was a choice I made to return state-side and help my family.

I did it! I did it! During my initial appointment with the surgeon in July, he stated that I needed to lose another 15 lbs prior to surgery. My Pre-op appointment with him was yesterday. I've 16 lbs since my appointment with him in July, and I've been greenlighted for surgery next week. Yes, a week. I'm now at 7 days and counting. My nerves are a bundle, and my excitement is off the chart. I have lost over 30 lbs since my birthday at the end of MAY (in 3 months' time). That is crazy. No other attempt to lose weight has been this 1) consistent or 2) successful. I'm fitting back into my dress clothes that I bought last summer when I returned from working in Central America. Still need to drop another 50 lbs to be pre-knee injury/surgery weight... but I'm getting there. I now have less than 200 lbs before I hit my goal. Sorry, my thoughts are not cohesive today. Lots of things on my mind. I start my all liquid/no solids consumption tomorrow. To do pre-surgery list: 1) start all liquids (8/22) 2) do final blood draw (8/22-8/25) 3) pre-registration call with the hospital (8/26) 4) final pre-op nurse check-in/weigh-in (8/26) 5) get my POA documentation signed/notarized/filed (8/26) 6) review/go through 24 hour pre-op checklist (8/27) 7) pack for hospital stay (8/27) 8) stop all liquids by midnight (8/27) 9) show up to hospital (8/28) My leave of absence from work has been handled. My work is being temporarily transitioned to a co-worker while I'm gone... my nephew will be taking care of the house/dog/cat while I'm gone. I should see if my trainer will get a pic of me tonight when I go workout. That would be fun to see a difference, even from a few weeks ago. Waiting it the worst... patience is not my forte... sigh.

I went to my pre-op appointment the end of July, and the surgeon wanted me on 4 weeks of the liquid diet and to lose an additional 15 lbs. The surgery, of course, ended up being scheduled about 6 weeks out. I took the extra 2 weeks as an opportunity to phase in the liquid diet and spaced out the 'this is the last time' foods... I'm about 2.5 weeks our from surgery, and I've lost 10 of the 15 lbs requested by the surgeon. I also decided not to leave it entirely to chance (or my own will power), I'm working with a personal trainer to get fit for surgery (and beyond).

I can hardly believe that the surgery is 3 weeks from today. It will be about 3 months after I started this whole thing, and as long as I stay on track, I will have lost 25-30 lbs prior to surgery. That, in and of itself, is unheard of. Amazing. Last night was the worst night I've had so far. I couldn't do anything to curb my hunger, and I had a whole bunch of stuff come at me at once. I was ready to punch someone. I decided to remove myself from that situation before I exploded. I grabbed a bottle of water, my dog, and we went for a walk, despite my house being full of guests. I couldn't take it anymore and just needed to leave. As soon as we were out walking, I burst into tears. I was so hungry, so frustrated, so upset. I was thankful that the darkness outside could mask my tears a bit. We kept walking until I had calmed down. Everyone who was at the house had left or was in bed by the time I returned. I love my family, but I can't stand them at times. I haven't been entirely open with them about everything that is going on, but it would be nice if they could try to understand the boundaries I've given them. I wish they wouldn't look to me whenever they needed something fixed in their own lives. As one of my friend's said this morning, They always seem to look at things from their point of view, but never can look from your point if view and be understanding. Wouldn't it be nice if people could be understanding? Wouldn't it be nice if kids would understand better that their actions/words really can hurt others? Wouldn't it be nice if people didn't tease or pick on others because of what they look like or what a person can/cannot eat? I have to remind myself that there are things I can't change, I can only control/change how I respond to those things. And by going through this process, I'm making a big change in my life about how I handle things.

Last week I met with my surgeon. I was so excited and nervous. I knew that meant I would finally be out of limbo. I brought my support person along. I was ready, they say that surgery can be two weeks out, or 4 weeks, depending on the surgeon. He did his assessment and said, well, I think you're a good candidate, but you have a lot of fatty tissue in your midsection. I need that to loosen up and shrink, or that will make surgery more difficult. He said he wanted me on 4 weeks of product and to lose 15 lbs. I can do it, I know I can. I've already lost 14 lbs in the last 2 months, I just need to drop another 15 lbs in the next month. Easy, right? Then I went to the front desk, and the only available time they have for me is August 28th. SIX WEEKS? UGH! So much waiting, so much work. I picked up the liquid product, and I'm working towards consuming all 4 things during the day. I tried product cold turkey before, it was very difficult, and I thought I would give myself a couple weeks to ease into it. I really don't like the flavor of any of it... but its what the doctor wants. I am down to one meal of real food a day, plus the product three times a day. I plan to be on it full-time by this weekend. My calorie intake is down to 1,000 calories a day... and I'm feeling so moody. How have others dealt with this? I'm so hungry within 1.5 to 2 hours after I've had the shake or soup. I've been trying to consume more water, but the hunger monster starts to rear his angry head, and I'm so afraid that I'll snap at someone or just start crying. Yesterday, I was having issues with my computer at work because of the bugs from the new system migration we went through. I wanted to drop-kick it down the five flights of stairs. I was just so frustrated and angry... then I started crying. I'm afraid of what is going to happen when I drop reduce to the 800 calories/day consumption. To help with losing some of the weight, I've also enlisted the help of a trainer. I'm seeing him twice a week, going to Zumba class once a week, and walk/bike with my dog on the off nights. My muscles are sore... I'm tired and struggle to get up in the morning,... but I'm still trucking along... It would be nice if I could exceed that goal of 15 lbs...