Hi everyone...

I am not sure where I want to go with this post. I know what I want to say... maybe I will just start typing and see where it ends up.

My boss had me in tears this week at work. It was a very stressful week. There were just way too many things going on at the same time. I am a perfectionist and I really stress myself out. Anyway, I was really pissed off because nobody was turning their schedules in to me on time. That puts me behind because I can't turn in my budget on time. I can't stand that. This is an ongoing issue and the fact that I just had 15 things going at once... :scared2:

So my boss says, 'Lisa, you are just different. Ever since you came back from having your surgery. I can't place my finger on it. You just aren't yourself.' She was not saying this in a mean way, she was just making an observation. She left for a little while and I started to think about it. I had a total 'light bulb moment'. She came back in and I told her that I was not feeling any more stress than I normally feel but that she was seeing it more because I lost my coping mechanism. She was really seeing me 'raw and exposed'. I dealt with stress by eating. That just isn't an option. (well, I learned this week it is an option but we are nipping that in the bud right now!) She said she completely understood that.

But I keep thinking about this. Not only do I have to find a way to deal with my stress and not shove it down with food..... it's more than that. I feel like I need to figure out who I am. Who am I without food as a crutch? I think being fat for so long has changed my personality. I used to be so outgoing. Now I am not. I have hidden behind my fat for so long can I still consider myself outgoing?

Part of the thought of this 'reinvention' is exciting. And part of it is scary. Maybe I won't be so understanding at work when people don't get their stuff to me on time. Maybe I am not the 'nice, fat person' Maybe I am the 'skinny bitch' who doesn't care if anyone likes her! LOL

Have any of you had these thoughts? Do you know who you want to be? And how do you plan to be the person you imagine? This journey involves so much more than just food and exercise.

Any thoughts???

I lost 100 lbs before and totally freaked out I did not know who I was and what I was suppose to do with myself. I was very emotional and kinda bitchy too. I did not know how to relate to people I spent a lot of time in the corner of my bedroom floor crying. Since then a lot of years have gone by and of course the weight came back. But in the past 5 years I spend 2½ years in counseling and hope I can deal with it this time. But if I can't I know just who to book an appointment with.

This was the one concern my husband had when I talked about getting this surgery. Was if I felt I needed help that I would see my counselor again and I agreed. I liked being thin but it was not me or something crazy like that. I had no walls up around me and I did not like that.

interesting that i just found this thread...i'm going through this right now...and you pointed out something great. Our coping mechanism is G.O.N.E...no more turning to food...and I've noticed that i seem to be 'feeling' my stress more...and i've been thinking about my jobs and 'do i really want to be doing this'...i love my main job, as a daycare director...but i make NOTHING...daycare just doesn't pay what we deserve. We're fricken raising these kids and we LOVE what we do...but the money just isn't there. I'm 31 and still at home (love my parents) because I just dont' have the money to move out. I'm barely making my bills...i work another part time job and i teach a colorguard, but i need to start thinking about ME. Before it was always about everyone else..and now i'm struggling because i'm starting to really think of ME..and what i want... and it's hard. Then i feel selfish...then i feel guilty because the thought of NOT seeing those kids every day literally makes me cry...but i dream of living in Los Angeles again and really becoming the makeup artist that i KNOW i am....

wow that went off on a tangent, huh?

I guess i'm just saying that you're totally right when you say that this is not just losing weight..it's totally changing us....

It is scary isnt it? I think that realisation was my defining moment in losing weight, I always read the stories and wished I could have a light bulb moment, but it never happened.

Then one day, I was feeling really scared about the surgery, trying to decide whether I wanted to do it or not. In a moment of complete self honestly, I realised that what I was scared of was not being able to stuff a packet of chocolate biscuits down my cake hole. Did I really want to give up that guilty pleasure? I suddenly realised that I *did* use food to cope with stress. I realised that I did get something out of eating like that, it was enjoyable and comforting and I chose to do it for that reason.

It became clear to me that the reason why i was having trouble deciding to have the surgery was becuase i wanted to leave myself an out, I wanted to choose not to eat that way but still be able to! And of course, following on from that was the knowledge that if I ever wanted to lose weight and keep it off, that behaviour had to disappear forever, lapband or not.

After that, it was easy to make the decision and not feel scared.