Is there really such a thing as GOOD grief? Most of us will not get to leave this earth without having lost a loved one. Recently 3 of my clients who are in the midst of grieving the loss of a family member are also struggling with some old eating behaviors they thought were long gone. Because the experience of loss often triggers very intense and uncomfortable emotions, it is a normal knee jerk reaction to look for ways to stop these feelings. For the food addict a chocolate chip cookie seems to be the best and most logical cure for these terrible feelings. But I am willing to bet you know that is not the case, that the only way to heal our feelings is to breathe into and embrace them, allowing ourselves to feel them as intensely as we possible can. Running from them whether it be by overeating, excessive alcohol or drug consumption, overworking, etc. only delays the inevitable (remember: wherever you go there you are!!).

I received the following email from a client I worked with years ago. She was bulimic at the time. With lots of hard work, dedication and courage, she was able to gain control of her eating behaviors and heal her relationship with food. Last month her grandfather died. I have shared this email exchange with some of my other clients and they found it helpful, so I felt compelled to share it here with you. Please note I have changed the name of my client to protect her identity.

Hi Louisa,

I hope you are well. I have a question for you.

My grandfather passed away two weeks ago. I am having a difficult time with his death and as a result, my eating is crazy! Any suggestions for getting back on track and continuing with the progress I was so happily making?

I'm not blaming my poor grandpa; I just want to feel better. I know the grieving process can take time, but I am creating more misery for myself.

Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.

Thanks so much.

Alexa

Hi Alexa,

So sorry to hear of your loss. And yes the grieving process does take time. The key is to allow yourself to really feel and grieve vs. stuff and purge your feelings. Often times one will feel a lot better after they have had a good cry. Don't be afraid of the feelings. Also it sometimes helps to talk about how you are feeling about your loss, your sadness, anger, pain, etc... Or sometimes it helps to just reminisce about your experiences with your loved one; recalling funny stories, memories, etc... Sometimes it is helpful to talk to someone who knew your loved one; other times it feels better to talk to "an outsider". Remember that grief comes in waves and will often pop up when you least expect it. Give yourself permission to take the time to feel: that might mean giving yourself an hour or two or a whole afternoon to just be with your feelings, and not put pressure on yourself to "be productive"; knowing that allowing yourself to honor the process is in and of itself productive. Other times it might be good to distract yourself with something fun and/or amusing: playing with your kids, gardening, etc... But before you turn to food: stop, breathe, get very still and ask yourself what would be most helpful and healing for you in this moment... if you listen you will know what to do... Be kind and gentle with yourself when you do have some food issues; understand that you are in pain and it is now that you really need an emotional hug (not a beating!). If you do make the decision to eat set the table real nice, put the food on a silver platter and eat with passion and presence. Allow yourself to enjoy it and honor the role that it is playing in your life.

Another thing to think about before you binge is that you are already feeling "not good" and by bingeing you will feel even worse; even though not giving into the urge might be painful, you're in pain anyway. Might as well be in pain and not binge than be in pain and binge.

I hope this is somehow helpful for you.

Warmest Regards,

Louisa

If you have any questions or comments do not hesitate to contact me Louisa@louisalatela.com or 856.429.9799.

I have 2 new telephone groups starting in May. For details visit www.louisalatela.com .

Edited April 19, 200917 yr by Louisa

im also an emotional eater i try and find other things to do

Thank you for your article. Although I have not lost anyone recently I still struggle with other turmoils in life and I appreciate your words of wisdom. Thanks so much.

Gail:biggrin:

so glad that this article is resonating with you. it is so important to remember that feelings are just energy in our body, and all feelings eventually pass (even though in the moment it can feel like we will explode if we don't stop the feeling!!!.). your breath can take you a long way in decreasing the intensity of the feeling.

all the best!

This is very great advice. For myself, I had lost nearly 100 lbs (just on Weight Watchers) about 5 years ago when my mother passed away in 2003. Suddenly my cheerleader was gone and I found I had new priorities as I took on the role of caretaker for my Dad. There was little time to grieve and less time to worry about what I put in my mouth and how much I exercised. Slowly the weight crept back up. Now I've adjusted to those new responsiblities and have put myself back as a priority with the lap-band and other tools. It did take time though and I did have to forgive myself for taking that time to heal and adjust. And my Dad? Well he's turned out to be a pretty good cheerleader too.

im glad you have a new cheer leader i have a preop meeting tonight in portland me.im going to see doctor on june 29 it all seems to take a long time its very discouraging i can see why alot of people give up

I too am an emotional eater. I've lost 8 family members within the past 6 months. I'm immune to death now. Just yet another reason do stay on course.