I had a difficult morning at work today including a tense encounter with a co-worker. Thankfully, I didn't lose my temper or give into my propensity to feel sorry for myself or to continue to play the situation over again in my mind, deepening whatever feelings of anger or resentment I had developed. Instead I was able to express my frustration, apologize for my part and even see the humor in having had so many little obstacles put in my path early in the morning.

Why am I sharing this with you? I can only speak for myself in six little words: this is what I ate over. Only by working on myself during this magical interval that the band has given me am I going to be able to make anything more than a temporary dent in the weight loss I am currently enjoying now. It's not easy for me. I have to fight my own denial and escapism for every drop of introspection, but I've obviously made some progress if I managed to sidestep what could've been a very upsetting morning.

I'm thrilled with all the weight I've lost, and it's inspiring to read everyone else's posts about their progress. Soon I will hit the 100 pound mark, and that will surely be a happy day for me. But you know what guys? I got a little voice inside of me that says: "The only thing that really means is that you had 100 pounds to lose". Nearly all the weight I've lost is weight I've lost and gained before. Every number I delight in now as I step on the scale is a number I cursed before when I saw it years ago on the way up! My focus has to be on how to maintain this incredible change in my life, and for me, just for me, I know that this answer has to come from working on my emotions through some sort of a spiritual connection.

What about you guys? Is any of this relevent for you? I truly don't mean to offend anyone or downplay anyone's accomplishments. I speak only for and of myself.

I know my poetry thread didn't go over very big, but here's another poem which speaks (to me, at least) of some the issues I've mentioned above. I hope you enjoy it.

Love to all of you,

Bandpal

Tired of Speaking Sweetly

Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,

Break all our teacup talk of God.

If you had the courage and

Could give the Beloved His choice, some nights,

He would just drag you around the room

By your hair,

Ripping from your grip all those toys in the world

That bring you no joy.

Love sometimes gets tired of speaking sweetly

And wants to rip to shreds

All your erroneous notions of truth

That make you fight within yourself, dear one,

And with others,

Causing the world to weep

On too many fine days.

God wants to manhandle us,

Lock us inside of a tiny room with Himself

And practice His dropkick.

The Beloved sometimes wants

To do us a great favor:

Hold us upside down

And shake all the nonsense out.

But when we hear

He is in such a "playful drunken mood"

Most everyone I know

Quickly packs their bags and hightails it

Out of town.

- Hafiz

Edited August 14, 200818 yr by bandpal

Hi Bandpal, I admire your determination to try to get to the root of why you eat. Many people feel the same way, that overeating is an emotional response to a situation, I'm sure that's true for many people.

I'm not sure that I feel that is true, for me. ( at least the majority of the time). I feel it is a physical addiction, like a drug, more than an emotional response. And I know that drug addicts generally begin an addiction for physicological reasons but then they become physically addicted.

It really is complex, isn't it and yet I know people that gain a few pounds and even though they have no sense of nutrition or calories etc. they just instinctively cut out a few extras during the day and lose the weight they want. It comes naturally to them, like painting might to someone.

I usually describe my problem this way: If you have a drug or alcohol addiction, the experts recommend total abstinence. Get detoxed from the drug. But if food is your drug, that is impossible since we must eat. Sure we have trigger foods, but to eliminate a trace of those trigger foods ( sugar or carbs generally) forever is very difficult as there could be a trace of sugar or carbs in even the most benign food.

I am more like Pavlov's dog. I see the food and want it. The larger quantity/choices of food in front of me, the more likely I am to overeat. Isn't this why dinners have those revolving displays of Desserts right at the door? Once I start overeating, the physical part of the addiction seems to begin. Like many families, there is some alcoholism in my family and yet I have escaped that. But I wonder, if I really have and if my body just substituted food for alcohol.

I guess life would be too easy, if we didn't have to struggle with something and is easy what we really want? Do we learn anything from things being easy? I always say when going through a difficult time in life, that we must have sadness to truly appreciate happiness.

I am learning and getting better with my response to the visual preponderence of food, but it isn't easy some days.

I think that is the beauty of the band. It sort of slows you down and gives you a moment to pause and think about the food going in, rather than inhaling it all and then thinking about it.

Congratulations on your many varieties of acheivements, the physical ones (almost 100 pounds) and the mental ones ( not letting the co-worker get to you).

P.S. I am going to be very good today, so God does not want to "dropkick" me!

You know my weightloss has been a 5 plus years process. It started in Febuary 2003. I weighed 301.4 when I walked into WW. I actually had been up to 324, but had lost some on my own. I quickly lost 100 lbs in a little over a year. Then I started gaining. I never stopped attending WW because I knew if I did, pardon the phrase, but "All hell would break lose". When I was hit 60 plus I knew I needed to do something. That was in Aug 2007. I had surgery in Nov. I've lost 75 lbs with the band. From my all time high I have lost 131 lbs. I tell you this story because what I have learned through this whole process is that I needed that gain. I needed to realize that there are things that I just plainly don't need to eat. The band has taught me that food isn't important. It's just something that makes my body work. That's not to say that there aren't days when I still fight with my body over cravings, but I'm learning. It's all part of the process.

Nearly all the weight I've lost is weight I've lost and gained before. Every number I delight in now as I step on the scale is a number I cursed before when I saw it years ago on the way up! [/font]

Wow' date=' that describes exactly how I feel. Although I am happy to be back in the 100's, I can't believe I'm thankful to be a weight that I was so upset about when I reached it a few years ago. I felt fat and awful 40 lbs less than I am now but will be thrilled to weigh that again. It will mean that I lost almost 100 lbs. If anyone told me 10 years ago when I weighed 123 lbs that I would someday need to lose over 100 lbs, I would never have believed it.

Sometimes I think I gained all of this weight for a deeper purpose. It made me humble and appreciative of what I have. It forced me to rely more on my intelligence than my looks. It taught me empathy and tolerance. I truly believe I will be a better person for this experience.

Great poem, Bandpal. Sometimes I think [i']someone[/i] should shake some sense into me!

For me, I realized I had empty days. I ate because I was bored. I didn't challenge myself, I didn't do anything special just for me, I didn't belong to any groups or clubs. I was lonely and needed more in my life. I didn't see it at the time. Food was my friend and my entertainment. I love to cook. (A solitary enteratainment) It wasn't until I realized this that I became more successful and committed to my weight loss. I now go to the health club regularly. I have friends I go out with. I'm enjoying my life, and food just takes a backseat to what my life is evolving into. It's so liberating to finally put your finger on what caused your obesity.

I feel it is a physical addiction, like a drug, more than an emotional response. And I know that drug addicts generally begin an addiction for physicological reasons but then they become physically addicted.

I usually describe my problem this way: If you have a drug or alcohol addiction, the experts recommend total abstinence. Get detoxed from the drug. But if food is your drug, that is impossible since we must eat. Sure we have trigger foods, but to eliminate a trace of those trigger foods ( sugar or carbs generally) forever is very difficult as there could be a trace of sugar or carbs in even the most benign food.

I am more like Pavlov's dog. I see the food and want it. The larger quantity/choices of food in front of me, the more likely I am to overeat. Isn't this why dinners have those revolving displays of desserts right at the door? Once I start overeating, the physical part of the addiction seems to begin. Like many families, there is some alcoholism in my family and yet I have escaped that. But I wonder, if I really have and if my body just substituted food for alcohol.

I think that is the beauty of the band. It sort of slows you down and gives you a moment to pause and think about the food going in, rather than inhaling it all and then thinking about it.

Yes, I feel very much the same - a physical addiction, one that came on slowly over the years. I didn't realize at first until it was too late.

If anyone told me 10 years ago when I weighed 123 lbs that I would someday need to lose over 100 lbs' date=' I would never have believed it.

Sometimes I think I gained all of this weight for a deeper purpose. It made me humble and appreciative of what I have. It forced me to rely more on my intelligence than my looks. It taught me empathy and tolerance. I truly believe I will be a better person for this experience.

[/quote']

Yes for me too! I used to be thin and popular. Just like you, this weightgain has forced me to "rely on intelligence rather than looks, taught empathy and tolerance." I know I will be a better person from this as well.

I never ever thought I would one day be technically 100 pounds overweight. Looking at myself, I would think where would 100 pounds come off of me? Now that I've lost some of that weight it's like blinders have been taken off - I can't believe I COULDN'T see the weight. I really believed I looked way thinner than I did. How is it that we can lie to ourselves and believe what we say?

How did my weight issues start? I always thought I was fat - even when I wasn't. Then I got a great boyfriend who turned into a great husband who loved me no matter what I looked like. I sent him out on little errands just to test him, to see how much he loved me. Would he get me something day after day after day? Sure enough, down to the store next door to get a little treat. I guess they added up. I gained weight, but was too happy in my relationship to even see it, then I didn't even care. Who cares when you're in love and your love doesn't care if you're fat? How much more proof did I need I had found my "one and only" if he loved me at any weight? So the weight stayed on - I really didn't care.

Then one day I woke up and DID care what I weight, I cared for myself. By then I was addicted to junk food. It was a physical addiction. I remember quitting cold turkey and having the shakes. Food was all I could think about. The band keeps my portions in check. Without it I would be lost again. I think my unfill has proven that - I'd gained 10 pounds in two weeks with an unfill. Over time and with weightloss, I hope I can become stronger. Right now I am not strong enough without my band.

P.S., my husband still loves me at any weight, with zits on my face, with bad morning breath, with greasy hair, with my bad attitude, with weight gain and weightloss.

Posted by Lindata

"I never ever thought I would one day be technically 100 pounds overweight. Looking at myself, I would think where would 100 pounds come off of me? Now that I've lost some of that weight it's like blinders have been taken off - I can't believe I COULDN'T see the weight. I really believed I looked way thinner than I did. How is it that we can lie to ourselves and believe what we say?"

I do the same thing, Linda. I'll look in the mirror and try to figure out where the rest of the weight will come off of. Even before I lost any weight, I couldn't imagine myself so big unless I looked in the mirror. Whenever I had to write my weight down for anything, I would mistakenly put a "1" where the "2" had to be. At least I'm back into the 100's but I still have so much to go.

You're very fortunate to have married a man who loves you no matter what. I wasn't so lucky. I have seen a big change in my husband's attitude with me according to my weight. He married a slim young woman who allowed the stresses of life to affect her eating habits. I can't even blame my weight gain on having children. I only gained 28 pounds with each child which came right off. A rocky marriage, a partial hysterectomy, a car accident, and the loss of my parents are to blame for my lack of control. food became my drug of choice. Like Judy, I think it is the most difficult addiction to overcome. We need to eat so keeping the "drug" out of the house is impossible. The demons are always there tempting me. At least the band helps keep them at bay.

Edited August 19, 200818 yr by cindyg1212

I am VERY lucky. I have a wonderful husband that loved me no matter my weight. The difference now is that I love myself more, I'm happier and I tell you it's easier to love a person that is happy with themself.

When I first lost the band, I thought I would be lost without it. Now I'm not as sure. When we have the band, we rely on it to control us. Easting too much? Get a fill, right? I did that. Right before the second surgery, when I thought my band would be locked and I'd start losing again, I ate a bunch of bad stuff.

Now I don't have the band to count on, so I'm more careful (like my "normal" friends would eat).

I know I needed the band to lose the weight, but I am more hopeful that I can keep the weight off, even without my band.

I hope that I can continue to work on my new eating habits. I want to beat the stats that says people that lose their bands gain the weight back. I want to be the EXCEPTION to the Rule!

P.S. LOVE THE POEM BANDPAL, VERY CREATIVE!