This is a rant, and a long one at that. I just wanted to warn you in case you would rather, I don't know, get a root canal or something else more pleasurable than reading this.

I was banded on June 11th. The first week after was difficult, but now it's so much better. I've got a lot of energy and I barely even notice the port anymore. My appetite is still there, but it's nowhere as bad as it used to be, pre-surgery. As long as I eat slowly, I fill up quickly and don't get hungry again for quite awhile later. I am not losing anymore weight, though I lost ten lbs in my first week. However, my clothes are already fitting better. I feel good about those things and I'm really anxious for my first fill on July 9th. It can't come soon enough.

So what's the problem? It's not a problem, really. Except that I just got back in town from a business trip and it renewed all those feelings of self doubt and dread I've grown accustomed to through the years. I hate traveling. I hate it!

I hate tiny airplanes that fold you up like a pretzel in a pill box. I hate narrow aisles and my big butt! I hate walking ten miles in a hundred different directions, afraid my feet are going to give out. I hate going to fancy dinners and cocktail parties with young, thin women with their young, thin dresses and their stupid, young, thin hair and makeup. I hate feeling like I'm the ugly gorilla in the corner desperately trying to fade into the background while simultaneously wishing someone would notice me and talk to me. I've always said that I don't understand how someone so big could be so invisible to everyone else.

I'm attractive. I know I am. That's not vanity, I just feel as though I'm an attractive woman and I have a lot to offer, dammit! I'm smart. Articulate. Funny. Witty. I'm well-read. Well-traveled. I have opinions. Dreams. Doubts. Fears. I'm a freaking human being.

I don't know. I guess it just brought me down from my high. It dehumanized me and made me remember, against my will, that the world is not a nice place if you're not a perfectly "normal", acceptable size. It reminded me of all the ugly prejudice out there and how, in the year frickin 2008, people, that it's perfectly acceptable to discriminate against overweight people. Everyone is so concerned about being PC and not offending anyone, but they don't give a second thought to offending me. They have special menus and elevators and movie theater seats and cultural awareness programs for disabled people. They have interpretors and translated menus, signs, books, and movies for foreigners coming to our country. They make every allowance possible to ensure none of those people are inconvenienced or excluded. But I don't think a single one of them ever thought, "You know, it might be a good idea to make seat belts for people who might not be a perfect size 1, thereby eliminating the embarrassment of those imperfect bodies trying desperately to buckle said seatbelt before others notice their fear and horror that it might not reach." People don't want to talk to you because they're afraid your fat cells might rub off on them or something. Gah!

I'm not disabled, of course. I got myself into this mess and I am damn well capable of getting myself out of it. I'm working on it.

And I'm not for more government interference, by any means. I think it would be a mistake to start making a super-sized version of everything, just to make overweight people more comfortable. I think it can be a good thing to be uncomfortable once in a while. It's what motivates us. Pushes us to do better. Achieve more. It certainly reaffirmed my belief that I've made the right decision for myself. It made me mad and sad and uncomfortable and resentful. But it also made me more determined that next year, at this same conference, I will not experience any of that. I will take that pain and disappointment and I will turn it into triumph and joy. So, those discomforts and prejudices do serve a valuable purpose. If the system stepped in and removed all those things then I might not ever have the motivation to do change myself for the better.

I'm just saying, it would be nice, just for once, to not go through this misery every single time I travel. To feel comfortable and healthy and accepted. To feel beautiful and capable and worthy.

I know that's asking a lot, but what the hell, ain't I a person too???

Amisha,

I enjoyed reading your post.

I sometimes feel that way in regards to my job. I am a nurse working nightshifts on a pediatric unit. I have heard comments and rumors of comments that only the "Cute" people work on the day shift. I have to admit we do have some pretty cute, little day shift nurses, but we have some on nights as well. It appears as though the day staff are always making comments about the night nurses not having much to do, as on days, and we are a bunch of lazy people.

Well I am due to go to a dayshift position in mid August. One of my nightshift co-workers was asked by our unit manager if she thought I would do well on days due to the fast paced atmosphere. My friend and co-worker, who is also very thin, felt offended she would ask such a thing. She asked her why she felt I wouldn't be and that we are quite busy on nights as well.

When she mentioned this to me, I was very offended myself. I know I am overweight, but I do tend to my business. I hope I never get that negative attitude the day staff shows the night nurses. I hope to always remember where I came from and help others along the way.

So I guess that is what I have to say to others going through the same thing. When you get to be that so called "normal" person, never forget where you came from. Always look to encourage and support others who are in the position you were once in. Never say unkind things or make jokes behind anyone's back. Remember the pain you felt when the comments and jokes were made about you and try to add a little happiness in another persons life, even if just by a friendly smile.

Sincerely,

Stephanie

I so know of what you speak about airplanes. DH works for the airlines, I can fly any where in the world for free. He wants me to go on a business trip with him on Monday, I'm already stressing out over the $%@# seatbelt, getting a middle seat (standby you get whats left). I have turned down so many awesome opportunities because of my seatbelt fears. So stupid. I even have my very own extender so I never have to ask. I just hate the look as I'm the last one to board, of everyone looking at me, 'like I hope she's not sitting next to me'.

I'm down 34 lbs so far and hope that won't happen anymore.

Still debating about going with hubby on Monday though.

I TOTALLY understand where you aare coming from. I went on vacation in April with family, and I never looked forward to it ONCE because I was so damn worried that the seatbelt wouldn't fit around me. And I had gotten myself into such an anxiety that i really didin't enjoy the trip that much. ANd I PAID for both my mother and I to go. How is that for DYSFUNCTION?

Looking forward to thinner days...

Stephanie, you make a good point. I think it will be easier for us to be more sensitive to this issue once we get the weight off, since we've all been there and we know how tough it can be. But it could be a challenge too, one that we must rise to, to remember how awful it felt and never make it worse for anyone still struggling.

I also get so tired of the stereotypes you face in your job. Some of my favorite: overweight people sweat profusely. We can't run. We eat all day every day and have zero self control. We're lazy. Oh, please. So untrue.

Amy and L2BT, I feel for ya. Just hang onto the hope of a better tomorrow and let it make you stronger and more determined. We'll soon be breezing down those aisles like a breeze with no trouble at all. I hope. I admit I am worried that no matter how much weight I lose, I will never shake those feelings of insecurity.

It is so refreshing to read this from people who understand!! OK so it sucks for all of us but at least we're not alone!! I hate flying and one of the big fears is the seatbelt. Last time I flew I decided *&^% if I need an extension oh well I will ask for one. Luckily Air France is roomier than other airlines. So we're heading on the trip of a lifetime for a family wedding and I am freaked out about how fat I am! So sad.

But..... we will all be better nicer people even when we're thin. I know we will be because growing up the fat girls has made us nice caring funny people with good personalities dammit!!

I did have an experience of the other side when I was thin. I was on a long haul fly when I was thin with a guy next to me that was taking up half my seat also. And I said to myself - that used to be me, if I have to share my seat with him I will because he must already feel self conscious enough. I smiled at him and told him not to worry and to stretch out. And I meant him. In the end, the attendant moved him to another seat. But not because I asked.

My therapist said a big thing for us to work on is being able to shed our 'fat girl' image when we're thin. We've focussed on it so long and let it define us. We won't be that anymore and will have to deal with other issues. But we can do it!!

I am afraid to look for a new job because I am fat. Having my surgery and being on the road has given me new confidence to network.

OK I could rant all day, but let me just say how much we all rock. Look what we have done - what an achievement to say TO HELL WITH THIS and go through major surgery to achieve our goals. That takes some pretty major guts!

So hurrah for us :thumbup:

i am SO with you all on these thoughts and feelings! have you had to leave a rollercoaster - in front of your new husband who you are so in love with - because your butt did not fit in the plastic formed seat? that was one of the most humiliating days of my life.

i have clothes to wear that fit but that i HATE. i'm greatful for plus size stores but i can't wait to NOT patronize them.

i had a coworker ask once - behind my back but it got back to me - why doesn't she do something about her weight? she had a) no guts to ask me directly and no idea what a struggle this is/has been! i was crushed (and awakened to how naive i was) that people looked at me that way

where i work instead of at my skills.

enough of this - i'm not buying a stitch of new clothing until i'm out of the plus size stores/departments!

i agree totally that we should be so darn proud of ourselves (and i am darn proud)!! this is no easy way out. BUT it's here and we can use it to get to a healthy weight and to live our lives with more physical (and emotional) freedom.

HOOAH!!! sista