June 9th 2021 was my surgery date. My fiancé and my family were so elated. “You finally get to start you life again”, they said. I was ready to bloody do this! Surgery was supposed to start at 11am and then got pushed back severely due to an emergency the surgeon had to deal with. My surgery didn’t commence until 9:30pm that day. I...was still ready but everyone was anxious and worried the surgeon would be exhausted and what not. Well not 30 minutes after, the surgery was aborted leaving me with six incisions and a pool of tears and anguish. My liver was too big to navigate the surgeon says. I did the pre-op diet. I DID it!!! What f**king gives? Now I did all this for nothing! He tells me lose 20-30 pounds then come back. Oh, it’s that easy, huh? I gotta lose more goddamn weight. Do you know how hard it was to lose the necessary amount to even get this f**king far? In the heat of the moment it just felt insincere of this guy to say such things and just leave me in my pool of tears saying “it was hard for me too”. Haha I don’t doubt that after doing another surgery right after this one for 12 hours straight but it is t about you. This was supposed to be it. Now look at me. 6 incisions, one bleeding out, 6 new ugly scars and nothing to show for any of it but more starvation. More misery. More depressed and sadness. How am I to recover from all this? I don’t want to quit but I’m so tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I mean no blood tests indicated a fatty liver at all. No abdominal scan was done to indicate that as well. Mom wants me to sue. My finances mom wants me to talk to a malpractice lawyer. I just hate everyone and everything. I’m filled with so much shame. To be honest I know he may have made the right decision but I still hate him for how unsincere it all felt. I am so distraught and I cannot stop crying. I may not have another chance at this for awhile. So much was riding on this. So f**king much. I waited so so long for this second chance.

So sorry!

Thank you all for your feedback, concern, well wishes. I have since spoke to the surgeon again on June 16th and he has determined that we will try again. July 29th is the new due date. He recommended I lose 10-15 pounds more, giving me 6 or 7 more weeks to lose it until the new date.

I will admit to myself that I am not sure if this is a good idea anymore. I am ashamed at what I allowed to happen on this journey and my behavior to the doctor and staff the day of surgery and the aftermath. I saw everyone as the enemy. I didn’t look forward to anything anymore and I hated everyone and everything. But I know who’s fault it really is. I knew even the day of surgery that it wasn’t his fault. He just had bad bedside manner and I wanted him to slip in a puddle of piss and die. This guy doesn’t know how to be reassuring or sound empathetic at all. But he wants to try agin with me. When I saw him on the 16th of June, I’ve since calmed down enough to speak to him and so has he. It was a more pleasant experience. He wants to increase the amount of receptors or whatever as well as the robot for the surgery.

i don’t know if this is a good idea. At all. I am still going to do the liquid diet for 6-7 weeks in anticipation of the surgery but I’m not looking forward to it as much anymore. I should stop being a baby, I know, but y’all I had a lot riding on this. I shouldn’t have but I did. My fiancé and I as well as family did. It is part of the reason I didn’t want to tell anyone because of the shame and disappointment. I was a fool for thinking what I did so far was enough. I was a fool for making this seem like the be all end all of things. It isn’t and I will think of a plan B this time.

One of the reasons why I didn't want to tell people, and didn't, beforehand was because of what happened to you. I knew that there could be a multitude of reasons why the surgery wouldn't take place once inside (or even before that) and I didn't want to have to explain myself to anyone if something like that should happen. So, I get it.

I totally get your frustration and anger. I know I would have been too. But I'm happy to hear that you both had a cooling off period and MORE IMPORTANTLY, that you both were more pleasant with each other afterwards and that you now feel comfortable going forward.

You may not be as excited now but stay strong, and do what you have to do. You got this and you're gonna do well. As long as you follow through with the plan you will be where you need to be come surgery day. If you feel yourself struggling between now and then, don't be afraid to ask for help here or more importantly, from your surgeons office or your dietician. Best of luck to you!!!!!